A Hurt Nose and A Hurt Finger...

Today is a new week.  Lot of stuff to do and check off my list.  This Friday night is our school's Dinner and Auction.  So it is a week of putting it all together.  I have to finish up the boys passports (just have to get the guarantee part done).  I have an eye appointment for me and need to book a few for some of the boys.  Sammy has his Algebra project to complete.  So it goes...


This weekend while visiting the in-laws, Sammy and Tyler got into a playful fight.  It was comical, I suppose.  Sanj was the "ref" that just watched.  I was yelling at him to make them stop.  Obviously, he did not see the need.  I told him that he was on ER duty.


Sure enough, we get home.  Sammy is convinced Tyler broke his nose.  Since he could tell me this, with no crying or blood, I wasn't worried.  Tyler, on the other hand, comes into the room with his right index finger all swollen.  "I think it is broken," he says.  I looked at Sanj.  This is his writing, typing hand, this is his hand that he practices guitar and needs when he goes to the washroom.


Tyler was up most of the night.  Apparently at some point, he fell off his bed and was really hurting.  Here's the thing, we are 99% sure it is more sprained then broken.  This is usually the case.  Yet, there is that 1% that you can't help but wonder, "What if it IS broken?"


At the  end of the drama, Tyler want me not Daddy to take him to the emerg.  Lucky me!  I am feeling lousy... (cramp, yes, again) but when mommy duty calls, one must rise to the calling, right?


Lucky for us, we were in and out in an hour and half!!!  Of course, the nurses and doctor found the whole bit amusing.  When asked what happened, he said, "Um, I hurt it on my brother's nose!"  lol


 It was not broken but obviously badly hurt.  She splinted it and wrapped it nicely for him.  No basketball!  Suddenly, this was all not so funny.  Now I had a moody teen, trying to convince me that he can play b-dall.  Yet, he gets home and has to go bathroom, lol, oh bother... how is this going to work?!! hehe...


I love my boys.  They are hilarious!

Degrees and Date Night

Today Sanj finished his last classwork for his Doctorate degree! Yeah!  He has his comprehensive test at the end of the month and then it is all over.  You would think, at least.  Yet, if you are a workaholic as my husband is, that time that was once taken seems like empty time.  I already can see the look of restlessness in him.  Brothers.  Yes, I know, I am pretty sure the field of psychology could have a field day with him!

Here's the thing, all around me are people (family members) that are working on degrees.  Masters and Doctorates.

What am I working on?  I am not sure.  I am feeling restless.  I am feeling that maybe I need to be i n school working on something.  There is however the little factor that I  h a t e school!  I am not the kind of person that learns really well sitting in a classroom, taking notes, and then being tested on it.  I don't learn like that.

I guess a degree isn't really what I am after (got one) .  I already have a B.S. after my name and really I don't think about it or use it.  I occasionally use the MRS. before my name but that is about it. lol  (It was sort of a joke... did you laugh)?  Oh fine, comedy hour isn't my thing either.

I want to write... yet feel so lost still overwhelmed by it all.  I have lots of encouragement and offers to  help.  Maybe that is the step I need to take.  I am also thinking of taking a writing class.  I just need to do it.  I guess part of my problem is letting go.  There is so much that needs to happen on a school night ... reading, memory verses, algebra, being in bed on time...  can and will that happen without me?

I need to let go.  I know.

We watched Date Night with Steve Carrell and Tina Fey.  Great Movie.  It was a little too honest and real.   We are that couple in so many ways, I felt uncomfortable sitting next to Sanj watching it during some parts.  On the ride home, we were silent for the most part.  A comfortable silence... yet then I thought, what if he thought that we had nothing left to say?  I said this and Sanj said, "I was just thinking the same thing"."

  

We are that couple that thinks, "We really should go out... do you want to?" Yet really, we just want to hang at home and do whatever.  Is that bad?


We are that couple that is often awakened by our 5 year old cannon balling us with his body, begging us( ok not us just me since Sanj has usually been up for a couple hours already) to get up while clock tells us it is Saturday and not yet 7 a.m.


I loved the reality of being intimate... the long version or the short... lol.


I love the annoying things that drives each other crazy... leaving everything open (cupboards, drawers) or maybe leaving hair in the sink, or the toliet seat up or the half drunk cups of diet coke...

It was a great movie.  It was shouting out the reality of marriage.  I left thinking that being boring and normal really is OK, isn't it?  

I would chose to marry Sanj over and over (most days, lol).  So we are good.... who needs a constant flurry of excitement?  Once in a while is good, though right?

These are my thoughts...  At least Sanj always knows what I am thinking!

xoxo

A Good Day!

I had the weirdest day yesterday.  I was still motivated to keep at the laundry and purging of clothes.  I got so much done.  My day was not long enough, to be honest.  The younger two took longer than usually to fall asleep.  The older ones too way too long to settle.

Sammy was given a popsicle by my friend at school.  Then, on the way home, somehow they talked their dad into a slushie.  OK... my son + sugars+ dyes= a very long night.  Yet, he was working on really trying to control himself.  He kept saying, "Mommy, Jordan did this to me and I told him not to instead of punching him."  Yah!!!  Then as I was making supper, he comes and gives me this hug with his taller than me frame and said, "I love you," and dances with me. 

I love this kid.  He drives me bonkers.  Yet oh my goodness, I love him.

OK... can I brag about my boys this evening?  First of all, I am the worst parent at sticking to something.  So I prayed for help to be a better parent, to find a way to teach and motivate them.

Here's the plan... my boys are forever wanting things.  Right now, Sammy wants a belt buckle, Tyler wants a watch, Zachary wants a pair of shoes... these are things that they don't need.... yet really want.

I really want them to do their chores, without the nagging or whining.  I really want to instill in them the desire to serve.  I want them to understand that if there is something that they are about to step over... maybe it should be picked up instead.   I want them to understand that as a family, we all need to work together to keep the things we have in good shape... meaning the house, kitchen, laundry etc.

I want them to understand that they really have everything they need to live well and then some.

Here's what I came  up with... instead of using money or allowance, I decided to use points.  

It allows me to vary the points or jobs with the different ages.  When they reach their points needed, they can get their chosen item.  Points need vary according to the price of the item wanted.

Name:  _______________________________

Week:  _______________________________

Jobs To Do:

Make your bed (2)

Hang up towel and pyjamas (2)

BRUSH YOUR TEETH (5)

Put dirty clothes away (2)

Dog Duty

Hang up backpack and empty lunch (1)

Chores: 

-dog duty (3)

-empty dishwasher (2)

-laundry (2)

-bring in groceries (2)

-put groceries away (2)

- pick up dog poop (5)

-take out garbage (2)

-extra chores ____________________________________ (5)

Acts of Kindness:

Not hitting back... come tell (2)

Giving compliments (2)

Doing a good deed for your brother (6) _______________________________________________________

Total Points:

What I am working towards:

Of course this is a start.  I gave points for things they should do natural, make their bed, brush their teeth, etc.  Then there is the motivation to go beyond and make efforts with a brother that may get on their nerves.  This week, they each are to try to earn 20 points a day.

I am writing this blog, not to tell about this because it is only the first day.  I am writing to brag about my son.  Sammy, you know, the one that drives me bonkers?  The one I am forever wondering what did I ever do  to deserve this craziness that sends me to the edge of insanity and back?

Here is my son's evening... first he was overwhelmed by the thought of even earning 20 points.  Yet, he soon figured it out.  He brought in the groceries, put them away, was very kind to Zachary, who often drives him nuts.  He even cleaned the kitchen and swept the floor.  (Usually when Sammy cleans the kitchen, I am swearing, while I clean it up again).  WOW.  I was blown away.

I am so proud of him.  He earned way over 20 points and to top it off, he confessed to doing something.  I know that was very hard and it touched me that he apologized and said that he wanted to be good.

I love my boys.  I am so proud of the efforts that they made.  

Thank you, God, for the boys that You have given me.  How I love them!

Please help me be the kind of mom You want me to be.

I love you!

NO Feeling Is Final...

Today I was reading this poem by Rilke that my cousin has posted on Facebook as she was remembering a cousin that died too young. 

God speaks to each of us as he makes us,

Then walks with us silently out of the night.
These are the words we dimly hear:
“You, sent out beyond your recall, go to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.
Flare up like flame and make big shadows I can move in.
Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don’t let yourself lose me.
Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.
Give me your hand.”
(Rilke)

I am by no means a scholar.  I wish I could be at times, wish I had the discipline and drive to be, yet I am who I am.  Of course, I don't think that is a bad thing... it is just a fact.

As I was reading this, I could help thinking of the line that  says,"Just keep going.  No feeling is final."  I am not sure what that is meant to mean but it spoke to me.  No feeling is ever final.  I needed to hear that.  Sometimes I try to work through a situation and deal with emotions that surface.  I just want to be done with the emotions.   Yet when I find those emotions resurfacing, often times I am so disappointed in myself.  It is because maybe I find disappointment in myself for not being "over it."

I think of my dad.  It is a life of roller coaster of emotions. Yet, when the unpleasant ones surface again, I am so dishearted.  I am frustrated that I have to deal with those emotions again!  No feeling is ever final.

Love is never final, is it?  It is a process.  It is a journey.  I don't want to be scared to live and love due to fear.  I want to love big, as this is how I love.  I have to accept the fact that I hurt big too.  It must be OK that my feels are on-going.  They are never final.  Feelings for me is what keeps me alive. 

"Just keep going.  No Feeling is Final."  I like that.

Life with Sanj...

I am at "work" today.  I am supposed to be billing and other stuff but in the back ground is this babe screaming!  Oh my gosh, some sounds really do a number on me.  The sound of a screeching infant makes me want to run away.  Sanj does the infant screening for Peterborough at the office.  The mom is suppose to bring in a tired babe.  Sanj is then to put all these probe thingies on the babe's head and then he needs the mom to put the child to sleep.  It is a 50/50 kind of thing.  Often everyone is left frustrated.

When I am in line at the grocery store, and I hear a wailing infant, I feel myself taken back into time.  Suddenly I am standing in line, my toddlers are restless and  hungry.  The baby in the car seat is screeching that newborn cry that makes the breast hurt and my heart races wondering how I am going to make it through the next 15 minutes.  It was this kind of day that made me give up ever shopping at the cheaper, bag your own grocery store.  Sure I saved the money but at that moment it was more important to save my sanity.  The other store bagged my stuff and called a carry out boy to help me to the van.  You can't put a price on sanity.

I give up.  I take the file of work stuff and leave it on the desk, "I can't concentrate.  I will come in tomorrow."  This is one of the perks of sleeping with the boss! lol

Josh and Zach were suspended from school this morning.  The Health Unit did not have their records of their up-to-date vaccination.  I did turn it all in.  At least 2 times before.  Thursday evening I get the call that they don't have the dates from the first year.  This is Easter weekend.  Everything is closed.  Frustration.  My doctor's office is closed on Tuesday.  The boys think it is kind of neat to be suspended.  Breakfast with mom. Missing school.  It is all good.  Thankfully, the other doctor was able to help me out.  Suspenion over.  Back to school.

I had lunch with Sanj today.  He is so busy.  He is a self-professed workaholic.  By the time he is home, he is wasted.  Then he has the boys wanting "Daddy" and his homework is usually calling or he is off to a meeting.  So, often, I meet him for lunch.  He is still in his peppy work mode and I can have his attention for a few uninterrupted minutes.  He is a creature of habit.  Everyday, if he is alone, he goes to McDonalds.  He gets a Might Caesar Salad with Grilled Chicken with a Diet Coke, no ice.  Did I say every day?  Yup!

The ladies at the drive thru know him.  They know that he will then park around the corner and eat his salad and listen to sports radio.  Today I joined him.  I got my grilled cheese happy meal with a toy.  My comfort food that I desperately needed today.  I was done my sandwich and he was still organizing his meal.  I looked at him.  "What are you doing?" I asked.

He is so cute to watch.  He knows he is a little crazy.  I love these silly little corks about him.  After he cleaned up, he looks at my 3/4 full Diet Coke.  I always leave my cup with drink still in it.  Sometimes the cup gets soggy at the bottom and leaks.  It drives him nuts, my half drunk drink.  I  look at him and smile.  "You are so lucky to have me!" I reply.

I drive him nuts.  The other day I drove the Denali bone dry.  OK...  it was late and in all fairness, I was tired and it was dark and I didn't realize it was so empty.  This vehicle is his true love, I am convinced. lol  I went out in the morning to start it and it refused.  Oh dear. I am in trouble now.
I intended to go get gas and put it in the truck before he found out.  No harm, no foul.  Time slipped away and I didn't.  I knew I was busted.

"Sanj, if I tell you something,  you promise not to lose it?"  I say.  He gets the look in his face that I am too familiar with.  "What did you do?"  I know he wanted to add, "now!"

Yikes, as  I told him, he gets flustered.  "The truck has a fuel injection thingy."  Oh dear.  I had no idea what that means but it can't be good.

Life with me is so special.  lol  This poor man.  How I love him!  I am so glad that he loves me too! lol!

Trust and Obey

I had an epiphany of sorts...  have you ever prayed for something that you desperately wanted?  When you were young and a relationship fell apart and you were sure it was meant to be?  Did you pray, beg God to fix it... of course, if it was His will?

I remember this.  I remember not understanding how this could not be God's will.  I cried, hurt and spend unimaginable energy on this want.

What does it really mean... "And may Your will be done?"  Do I really mean that?  I have to admit, if I am truthful... no.  I know I should want God's will to be done but yet really don't want His will to be anything other than what I want.  Does that make sense?

I was thinking of this... of when I was dating this boy...  When we broke up... or should I say, when he broke up with me (as the boys keep reminding me)... I was so heartbroken.  If you have ever fallen for someone and then been dumped, then you know what I mean.  Being the emotional crazy one that I am, amplify my emotions.  I was so distraught. 

As a parent, when I am forced to say no to one of my boys for something they really want yet I know, as parents know, it is not in their best interest, it hurts me so much to disappoint them.  I fret over the decision and think of things to do that may take away some of the disappointment.  

I can suddenly see God, watching me, broken and begging.  I can only see how much He wanted to tell me to just trust Him... that He had it all under control.  He had something so fabulous in store for me and I just had to trust and look to Him.

This boy had always promised me that even if we broke up, he would come to my university graduation.  I just knew he would be there and it would be the moment that God would bring us back together again.  The weekend of my graduation came.  All my dearest friends were there... with their significant other.  Sanj was there too.  I kept looking for him all weekend.

Here's the sidebar...  ever since I became friends with Sanj my freshman year in university, I loved him.  I loved him as a dear friend and yet I always crushed on him forever.  He was busy ignoring me.  He saw me as a little sister... or something of a childish nuisance that he put up with.  When he obviously did not have interest in me... I moved on (so to speak).  I actually wrote in my journal, my freshman year, "Please God, can I marry him?"  Over the years, while I was still in university and he was working on his Masters, we stayed friends.

The weekend of my graduation, almost everyone I loved was there.  It was to be an awesome weekend.  Little did I know just how memorable it was to be!  The last night we were all together, we were watching a movies.  There were couples everywhere... and then there was Sanj and I.

Funny how God works.  Did you know God had quite a sense of humour?  He chose this moment... to show me His amazing plans.  He answered my prayers... the one I prayed a long time ago and forgot about.

I had to experience hurt and  pain maybe before I could fully appreciate the gift of love God gave me.

As I was processing all this, I had to pause and realize that now, when I pray as an adult, I really do mean, "Lord, may Your will be done in my life."  As much as I am so done having babies, I still often wonder how come God did not answer my pray for a little girl in my life.  How come?  I often wonder why?  

As I processed this epiphany, I realized that I am good with just knowing and believing that God is in control.  He KNOWS what is the best for me.  He knows why.  Me... I am just meant to trust and obey.

Trust and Obey, for there is no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

The Visit with the In-Laws...

It's Monday of March Break... A bit of sleeping in, a big breakfast and some lounging  in the pyjamas.  My in-laws just left.  They spent the night.  Sanj's brother and family are out of town so they were alone.  It is such a different dynamics when it is just us and them.  It is even different with Sanj off to work and it is just   his parents and myself.

It wasn't always this easy.  They didn't like me.  I felt like I was always on the defence... watching my every move as I never knew what I would have done wrong. I had stomach aches every time we went to their house.  It wasn't really a good time.

I am not sure what changed.  They probably realized that I was here to stay.  Maybe it was my winning personality that finally won them over.  :) lol  Maybe it was just time.  We all found our places in the family.

Today as I listened to them, they were reminiscing  about Sanj when he was little.  Of course I heard these stories before.  Yet I am always moved by their love.  They were telling the story of Sanj's dad having to leave for a year.  Of Sanj holding on to his dad at the age of 3, not wanting him to go.  They were apart for a year while his dad came  here to get thing settled.  My father-in-law had tears in his eyes, again, as he retells it.  Love... it just shines so bright as his tears do.

My mother-in-law tells the story of Sanj having a seizure.  She runs out of the house screaming that she doesn't want to see her baby die.  They both tell of praying over Sanj as he is burning up with a 105 degree fever.

I guess as I watched Sanj's parents this weekend, I see a couple that is fighting against the reality of growing old.  I see them trying so hard to hang on to yesterday as that is where they have lived and remember.  Today the folks that are on the outside are not who they feel on the inside.  I see these folks that really do love and hold family dear.  It is just that their love language isn't mine.  It is about accepting what they offer and meeting them half way.  Sometimes, it is about meeting them where they are at.

Sometimes ones personality is what it is.   Maybe they really can't change it.  Maybe they don't mean for it to come across as it is.  Maybe in the midst of a complaint is a thank you.  Maybe in the midst of a demand is a plea for help.  Maybe in the midst of hug is a "I love you."  Maybe sometimes the past is all one really has or knows.

I have been blessed with so much.  I think I am at the place where despite all of the things that bug me or annoy me, I can say that I appreciate these folks that are part of my life in so many ways.  I owe them so much.  I want my children to see the rich heritage that is theirs in their grandparents.  Someday they won't have it right there.  So it is up to me (and Sanj) to foster that feasting of the past.

It was a good weekend.  I put a lot of pressure on myself when they are here.  It is just me.  I want them to feel loved and appreciated and maybe spoiled.  Maybe I am working on them feeling cherished.

Yes, that is it.  Cherished.  I am sure God expects that of us.  We are to cherish those that were before us and fought and blessed us with the life we know.

Maybe after all these years, what I am feeling is love.  I am feeling love for Sanj's parents because if they did not live as they did, I would not live as I do... with a happy home full of hope for the future.

I Felt A Nudge Today....

I have deleted many half written posts this week.  I think of things I want to say yet then stop before finishing it.  Then I delete it.  I have been feeling restless in my writing and thoughts.  Maybe I am putting pressure on myself for no reason.


I have come a long way since I was the little girl I once was.  There was so much bursting inside of me and yet most of it was trapped.  Now a day, there isn't too much that I don't say.  Sanj is forever scared of what is going to come out.  Yet, I don't apologize.  If I ask it, I really want to know about you.  I am not into pretences or beating around the bush.


Last week, I went for a ski lesson.  I went without any of the kids.  I went without distractions. Ha!  I did go with a girlfriend, who never had even been to a ski hill.  She was a natural.  Me... I was the one the very patient instructor worked with.  It was O.K.  I just need to practice... alone.  I need to conquer my fear of the chairlift... of getting off it.  I was proud of myself.  It really was not an easy thing for me.  It wasn't even fun.  It was stressful.  My friend and my instructor kept saying, "You just have to believe in yourself."  I thought I did.  Obviously not enough!  Then as I was at hockey with one of boys, a man I didn't know came to me and asked how the skiing was?  I assumed that he knew Sanj and my hubby told him.  Nope.  Well, he knew us, his kid is on the same team.  He was there.  He saw me.  Hum... then he didn't have to ask how skiing was... did he!  I am still proud that I did it.  I will go again.


I went to church today.  OK... I lie.  I did go to church but didn't actually sit in the service.  I was helping with a chilli lunch that the boys were part of.  Sammy and Tyler are going on a Serve Trip this summer.  It is a mission trip of sorts to one of the towns in Ontario about 4-5 hours from here.  So the chilli lunch was a fundraiser.


Still it was church.  I have to admit I was feeling nudges.  I was annoyed.  I couldn't really ignore it.  O.K., God.  I get it.  It is time again.  Church is and has been a sore point for me.  Many reasons.  One of the biggest is that there have been huge hurts.  Disappointments.  I did not get fed there.  No one's fault.  My own hurts to work through.   I just didn't feel Jesus there. When I say there... I mean church as a place, not specifically  our church.   Sad.  I feel Him in other places, like the boys school.


I did not miss church.  Yet I feel the nudges.  The boys need to go.  (I hear you, Doreen).  It is not about me.  I know.  So,,, I went to church.


I need to look only upward.  I need to focus all my attention upward and not look to man for God.  I had a huge hurt by a church person... a pastor.  It was a long time ago.  It still is there.  I know that they are only human yet when you are young, impressionable and need guidance, it is easy to assume that they are godly.  They are humans in need of God too.


So... the nudging...  I felt it.  I heard it.  Can you hear a nudge?  Let me tell you, yup!  If God is trying to get your attention and you are pretending not to hear or feel it... He will make sure you do!  Ouch.


I feel like crying because I so miss that faith I had of a child.  I so miss that ease of going to church.  I miss that feeling of knowing church was a safe place.  It's too bad someone stole that.  Yet, it was a human disguised as a godly man.


There are Godly men out there.  I see them.  I can't help but scrutinize them.  Are they real?  Here's the thing, if they only claim to be human, in need of God, searching for Him... then yes, I think they are real.
I am thankful for the real Godly men in my life.


Please don't take this wrong... church is a great thing.  I have some of my best memories there.  I loved church.  I hope that you love it.  I hope that it is a place where you see God, hear God and feel Him.  I am working on getting it back.  I think that is what the nudge was.  It is a nudging that it is time.  I am going back to the basics again.


In the mean time,  I am so glad for all the places that I can feel God, see God and hear God.  One of those places is in my child's eyes.  I love looking into their eyes and seeing God, hearing God and feeling Him.  How awesome is that?  I feel God everyday. Today, I felt His nudge.  It's time.

So Sad!

I haven't written in many days.  I start to and then just stop.  I haven't the words to say what is on my heart. I don't want to sound preachy yet I can only be honest of my thoughts.  So... I can't stop thinking of Jesus' coming.


My brother, Kumar, is in Haiti.  He left Wednesday for a week to help drill wells at one of the orphanages and see what else they could do.  I have been following the  work their blog.  I feel so much pain in my heart.  I can't stop thinking of the sadness and pain.  He wrote my mom saying, "It is all so sad."

   

"This girl's name is Evangelista. Her mother died in the earthquake. Our medical people believe she has thyroid cancer that has metasticized . We took her to Port au Prince and was turned away because they are not to equipped to help." (Taken from Kumar's Facebook page).

I can't stop thinking about her.  Let's just process the fact that her mother just died.  How does she cope with the pain, sadness and fear?  Then take the cancer... does it hurt?  What is going to happen to her?

We live such a different life.  I am hunger so I go to my fridge and grab a snack.  I also know that I will be complaining about what to make for supper in a bit.  I will not be worrying about filling the bellies of my babes.  Yet, just on the other side of the world, are moms worried and sad as they listen to their babes cries for hunger.

I feel like screaming.  I feel the helplessness of not knowing how to make it all better.  I hate that all we can do doesn't change the fact that there are so many hunger and sick.  There are so many children... like my babes that I adore,  that will not have a meal, that are missing their parent that died... that are alone, sad and scared.

As I think of heaven and God, as I get so frustrated and sad... I have to hold on to the faith that there is a heaven and a God who is in control and will come down and take us to a better place.  I have to believe.  I have to have faith. 

I am not sure what will happen to this sweet little girl.  I can only pray that God holds her so tight and she feels the love of God and finds courage and strength to deal with each day as it comes.


Dear Jesus...
I can only be grateful for all we have.  I can only be shamed when I complain of the little stresses in life as children, people, on the other side, worry about food, shelter and feel pain of loss so huge I can't even put into words.


This little girl has grabbed my heart.  Oh dear God, please.... show them how to help her.  Please.


And if it is OK... please just come, now.
Amen.

Wanted: A Girlfriend....

Have you missed me?  I have missed writing so much.  Our internet is down and having issues that don't seem to be solved overnight.  Annoying!  So for the past days, I have been talking to myself a lot.  I decided to come to the office with the pretense of working yet writing instead.  Guess it is one of the perks of snoozing with the boss.  :)

I had an epiphany of sorts a few days ago.  Have you ever "loved" someone and they didn't love you back?  They said they would yet they really didn't?  Their actions spoke volumes that argued against their words?  I had a boyfriend whom I 'loved.'  (I loved him but it was baby love... yet at the time it was all I knew).  When we graduated from university and were to got our seperate ways, we made promises to make it work... despite the fact that we knew that long distance was hard.  I believed in us.  I was ready to do the work.  He wasn't.  Shortly afterwards, we broke up.  Well... he gave up.

We all have the heartbreak stories.  Yes, I know.  I did get over it... obviously and God soon showed me that He had better and bigger plans for me... Sanj.  What a great plan. 

Yet, for a long time, what hurt was why did the boyfriend give up on us?  Was I not worth it?  It isn't about letting go after a break up but for me it was about needing an answer ... just tell me... how come you didn't want to make the effort... especially if you loved me?

OK... I never got the answer. Many of us don't.  Some are lucky to have that kind of closure.
Where is this going?  Here's the thing... I feel like I just went through a break up again... with a girlfriend.
Oh sure, we are still "friends."  Yet it is different.  Something happened.  Something changed.

We hit it off so well.  We chatted everyday for the longest time.  We hung out, we played and we connected.
Then something changed.  Along came a new friend.  I keep asking and wondering... what is different?  Well maybe  I know.  Maybe we don't agree about all the same kinds of people. Yet, that shouldn't matter, should it?  We can be friends with others too, yet we still can be us.

Apparently it not.  I feel like I have gone through a break up.  I feel like I am seeking answers and yet there are none.  As I watch them hang out, I feel sad.  I feel like I have been dumped.  I feel so hurt.

Maybe again, it is a season.  This friendship was  season.  Yet I see them together and find that it hurts.  I find that I am not sure I can do this anymore.  Maybe what I am seeking doesn't really exsist.  Maybe loneliness is just a fact of life. 

I really thought that if I kept seeking that I would someday find that girlfriend connection.  A real connection.  Don't get me wrong... I have friends.... that I love and cherish.  Yes and you know if you are one of them.  So don't start second guessing our friendship.

I guess I just miss having, for lack of a better word, a best friend here.  I have it with some of my friends that are in other states.  Why is it so hard to find that now?

I am always with people because I love and need that.  Yet,  I am seeking a friendship that has true depth.  I am seeking a friend that is willing to let it all hang out and be real and intimate.  I am seeking a friendship that initiates just as much, that wants me as much, someone that isn't going to ditch me.

Maybe I should place a want ad.  Maybe I just have too high an expectation.  Maybe this is life... and I have a lot to be grateful for... a family that I love, a fabulous hubby, crazy kids that make my world... and friends... lots of friends.  Maybe I am just being greedy...  yeah... maybe.

Love based on Choice...

Love others based on CHOICE not Feelings! 

I like that.  This was on one of my Facebook friends status.  I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I think that loving someone unconditionally is the hardest thing we will do.  I struggle with this.  Some of my kids really push my buttons.  When you are riding the elevator, you know how there is the kid riding along that takes his chubby little palms and rubs the buttons up and down, therefore causing the elevator to stop way too many times before it gets to your floor?  That is life  with some of my babes.  There seems to be too many rough, unnecessary stops along the way.

I have to love my children.  Well, maybe, technically, I don't have to but I can't help it.  I love them to pieces.  How come the times in between can be so rough?  Here's the thing, how hard is it to not touch your brother?  Really?  Why can't the hands be kept to themselves?  Then the hitting starts... do you really think if you hit it will end there?  NO!

I ran in to grab a few things I need for supper.  I came back to WWIII erupting in the van.  It was all because hands did not stay where they belonged!!!  Then the arguing started.  Why does one think the world is against them?  Why is it always some else's fault?

I told this child of mine to get out of the van.  Find his own ride home or even another home if that works better for him.  I really wanted him to get out!  I am pretty sure I would have.  I would have ended up walking to Sanj's office.  But this child of mine would not budge.

Here's the thing...  I reacted.  I started talking back.  Why can I not be quiet?  Why can I not be calm?

I came all the way down to his level.  Why?

I came down to his level and argued with him because ultimately I care.  It sometimes sucks to care.  I care because I love.  I love my kids so much.  I love them with all my heart.  It is a choice and a feeling most times.  Yet when I am not feeling the love, I still choose to love them.

Sigh.  It was a rough evening.  I actually apologized to him.  I am the worst at apologizing, especially if I really care.  I have been wrong exactly 4 times in my marriage.  lol  Yup... I can name every time to you.  Trust me, it was painfully and excruciating and saying, "I am sorry" sucked.  Yet I love my hubby, so when I am wrong, I say I am wrong. (Hey, wasn't that a line in Dirty Dancing)?

*** O.K.  Side bar... really I am kidding.  I am sure I have been wrong a few more than 4 times.  Thankfully I have a husband that is very generous with apologies and loves me for all I am!   xoxox Sanj!

Back to yesterday... I apologized.  I was still mad but I am pretty sure that flinging words as a grown up wasn't the right thing to do.  (Even if I was right)!

I love my son.  I choose to love him despite himself.  I wish he would love me in spite of myself.

Sigh.

Meet Sanj and His Many Faces...

The Many Faces of Sanj:

My hubby is a complex kind of guy.

I say it is the musician in him that gives him his intense, corky personality.

Let me tell you about he many faces of this man I love:

This one is the one I like the least.  See his brows wrinkled up... it means, "that's weird, you are not right, I don't agree with you... but I'll be quiet." 

That look with his lips pursued together is the most annoying one.

It means "whatever... I know I am right!"

This one is one of my favourites.  It is his OCD smile. He is crying out for help because he really doesn't want Josh to touch him, all wet and dirty, yet he knows he shouldn't care... but HE DOES.  See his eyebrows crunched together?  He is in distress.

This is a work laugh.  He is laughing but not from his belly and his nose is scrunched up.

My doctor calls this the B.S. work mode smile.

  

I love his playful mode... it usually takes a bit of convincing but then his very creative nature comes out and there is the funny guy I love to see!

Can you see his face?  He is zoned out. Gone.  In another world, that I am not allowed to enter where only music is his companion.

It is like he is having an out of body experience.

I could parade a bunch of naked women by and he would not see it.

This is his escape.  This is where he is his true self.

This is where his happy place truly is.

This is the father side. Here he is at peace enjoying a moment of stillness and snuggling.  It is those stolen moments that you see how fatherhood is so part of his being.

Here is the Sanj I know.

He is relaxed, happy and content.

No wrinkly forehead.  No scrunched up nose.

Happy and content.

I love this man of many faces.

I am so glad I get to see this one everyday.