Oh Husband, Where Are You???

Yesterday, after church, I asked Sanj to run to the store to pick up some construction paper that Sammy needed for a project. I was going to take all the boys home and begin lunch. After the boys and I had eaten lunch, I looked at the time. 1:30 p.m. I wasn't really worried, as I figured that since Sanj was alone, he may have run into Home Depot or did an errand and probably saw someone and lost track of the time.

At 2:30 p.m. as I was laying down with Josh... I started to worry. I could see that Tyler and Zachary were getting anxious too. It had been 2 hours later. Sanj hates shopping so I could not imagine him wandering the stores. I begin to have visions of him in a car accident. I wondered what the first step would be to find him? I gave him 15 more minutes before I was going to call my brother-in-law... the cop. I know he would help me. Yet, knowing that everything was likely OK, I didn't want to overact.

Just as I was getting ready to call Raj, I heard Sanj's car pulling in. I was so mad. He didn't have his cell phone with him. I could hear Tyler and Zachary scolding him. He makes his way upstairs, sheepishly.

Have you ever been so mad and relieved all at the same time? Phew! I wouldn't have to sell the house or find an audiologist or look for caskets or understand or insurance policies. Yet, I still wanted to hurt him bad!

He had gone to the music store, it was closed. Then he went to the men's store and got carried away chatting with the guy and buying a suit. Hum... He better look darn fine in that suit!!!

It is one of my biggest peeves about my husband. I hate that he never has his cell when he should or it isn't charged or on!!! Grrr...

I also hate that he never worries about me. When I am off at night to a meeting or the movies, all the lights are off and he is sound and snoring! What if I was in an accident? He wouldn't even know till he woke up at 5 a.m. Maybe I should stay out one night and not come home and let him actually have that moment of panic and wonder what life is going to be like as a single dad.

Hum... I like that idea. Movie anyone? lol

Degrees and Date Night

Today Sanj finished his last classwork for his Doctorate degree! Yeah!  He has his comprehensive test at the end of the month and then it is all over.  You would think, at least.  Yet, if you are a workaholic as my husband is, that time that was once taken seems like empty time.  I already can see the look of restlessness in him.  Brothers.  Yes, I know, I am pretty sure the field of psychology could have a field day with him!

Here's the thing, all around me are people (family members) that are working on degrees.  Masters and Doctorates.

What am I working on?  I am not sure.  I am feeling restless.  I am feeling that maybe I need to be i n school working on something.  There is however the little factor that I  h a t e school!  I am not the kind of person that learns really well sitting in a classroom, taking notes, and then being tested on it.  I don't learn like that.

I guess a degree isn't really what I am after (got one) .  I already have a B.S. after my name and really I don't think about it or use it.  I occasionally use the MRS. before my name but that is about it. lol  (It was sort of a joke... did you laugh)?  Oh fine, comedy hour isn't my thing either.

I want to write... yet feel so lost still overwhelmed by it all.  I have lots of encouragement and offers to  help.  Maybe that is the step I need to take.  I am also thinking of taking a writing class.  I just need to do it.  I guess part of my problem is letting go.  There is so much that needs to happen on a school night ... reading, memory verses, algebra, being in bed on time...  can and will that happen without me?

I need to let go.  I know.

We watched Date Night with Steve Carrell and Tina Fey.  Great Movie.  It was a little too honest and real.   We are that couple in so many ways, I felt uncomfortable sitting next to Sanj watching it during some parts.  On the ride home, we were silent for the most part.  A comfortable silence... yet then I thought, what if he thought that we had nothing left to say?  I said this and Sanj said, "I was just thinking the same thing"."

  

We are that couple that thinks, "We really should go out... do you want to?" Yet really, we just want to hang at home and do whatever.  Is that bad?


We are that couple that is often awakened by our 5 year old cannon balling us with his body, begging us( ok not us just me since Sanj has usually been up for a couple hours already) to get up while clock tells us it is Saturday and not yet 7 a.m.


I loved the reality of being intimate... the long version or the short... lol.


I love the annoying things that drives each other crazy... leaving everything open (cupboards, drawers) or maybe leaving hair in the sink, or the toliet seat up or the half drunk cups of diet coke...

It was a great movie.  It was shouting out the reality of marriage.  I left thinking that being boring and normal really is OK, isn't it?  

I would chose to marry Sanj over and over (most days, lol).  So we are good.... who needs a constant flurry of excitement?  Once in a while is good, though right?

These are my thoughts...  At least Sanj always knows what I am thinking!

xoxo

A Question...

From one of my readers:

"... I agree with many things that you say (even though I don't have kids yet). I too need girls weekends and most of my girlfriends live in Toronto or back home (4 hrs away!). I have girlfrinds through my husband ...but its hard to make friends when you're in your 20s and older!

After reading your blog..my personal question to you is: How do you keep yourself happy with everyone always at hockey. You have it 5x harder than I do and I already feel like a hockey widow at times!

OH... I am so happy... a question! lol

Here's the thing, when Sanj and I were first married, I have to admit, it was a very hard year.

Many people will say that the first year of marriage is hard.  For me, it was for many other reasons...

Sanj and his brother owned a house together so the three of us lived together.  That was fine and fun for the most part.  Then a cousin needed a place to stay from England... that made 4 ... and was very hard on me.


I was such a different person when 15 years ago.  I was such a pleaser and wanted to be the perfect wife etc.  It took me a while to understand that change can't happen unless I state my unhappiness or opinions.

Aside from that, I had a very tight circle of girlfriends... in university, where we were always there for each other. It was such a special time.  After graduation, we all moved all over North American.  I moved to Canada.  Here I had no one.  It was a very lonely time.  

Sanj had me yet he also had his sports (hockey, football and baseball), he had his music (which involved a singing group and playing for various venues).  He had work and had his family and a unit of friends that hung out.

He had his whole life here.  Me... I won't lie... I was very lonely.  This was before flat rate or internet was accessible to everyone.  We spent big bucks on phone bills as I stayed in touch with my friends and family.  I was lonely.

I am not sure what I would have done differently... because I was still finding me out.  I wrote... journaled a lot.  I read a lot.  I didn't have a social circle.  I wasn't confident enough back then to seek one out.

I remember when Sanj got a computer at his office, I would drive up to Peterborough and spend the day on the computer.  Microsoft Word was my friend.  I wrote and wrote.

I was so excited to get pregnant.  It was all I wanted... to be a mom.  I think I also felt that I would have someone just for me.  Of course, I don't recommend that motherhood is a fix to loneliness... but I was ready... we were ready.

Sammy rocked my world.  I loved him and loved being his mommy.

We got a computer at home and internet.  AOL was my reconnection into my life I was missing.

Sure I went to some of his games.  I was engaged in his life... but I can tell you that a huge part of me was missing.

We moved to Peterborough the year after and I had a house to care for and a baby.  Of course, now my mom lived with us.  There was always someone that lived with us for the first 5 years of our lives together.  That part was weird but I guess it is also who we were.  Our home has always been open to those that needed a place.

From this point... I was mom to many babies very quickly (by choice and planned).  I loved it.  I was still lonely as far as having friends.  I missed my friends so much.  There is nothing like having a best girlfriend(s) that you can just complain, share and chat.

I still miss those friendships.  Those friendships that you make from that time period in life are just so different than the ones you make later.

I didn't find fulfillment in girlfriends till the boys went to school.  There I found a place that  was for me as well as the boys.  Soon as the boys had play dates, I started meeting moms that soon became friendships.

It is the natural process of things, I suppose.

I tell all this to say this... when I was in my 20s, as is this reader asking the question... I was lonely.  I wish I was able to give you more than that ... but it is the truth.  It was hard for me to be in a new place and meet people.  In Peterborough, it may be easier... maybe finding a common thing.. the gym (I hear, lol, is a great place..., reading groups, take a class for fun, photography, church groups...

How I handle being a hockey mom and widow now... I have to admit, 85% of the time... I love and appreciate the quiet time of being home... yet usually it is never alone.

I can be honest and say that this year, I have been lonely.  With hockey, for Sanj also, his work, his meetings, coaching the boys and his (ugh) doctoral classes... I have been lonely.  We haven't' had the time to just be.  Yet, I know this is only a season.  Doctorate will be done in April... Hockey.. 5is weeks and counting!

This said, I could really use a girls night out.  That is when guilt takes over.  I really hate leaving the boys home, especially on the weekend.  That is my own issue, of course.  Yet I do really enjoy them snuggled on my bed on a Saturday night watching Hockey Night in Canada.


Loneliness is a part of life, I think.  Even when you are in the midst of people, you can be lonely.  The fix for loneliness is connection.  For me, anyway, I love people.  I feed off this.  I am at my happiest when I make a connection, though.  It is one of the reasons I love blogging.  I love the anonymous' that I connect with, I love connecting through this means.  For me 

So.. maybe you are asking the wrong person.  I really do enjoy writing and watching a chick flick when time allows.  I appreciate Facebook that allows me to be in touch with so many of my friends from yesteryear.

So.. I guess in many ways.... I am a hockey widow still and always will be.  It is part of my lot in life. At the same time, as I watch them play, working it out on the ice... I am glad and grateful that this... hockey is a part of their world... as I know it could be so much other yucky stuff.

Does anyone want to chime in?

Marriage and Manservant

The last couple of days have been an eye opener for me into the world of boys.
As girls have entered our lives.... it has been so interesting to me to watch and listen.

I so badly want to write the whole conversation but am restraining myself.  It was so funny to hear the boys talk about girls.  They are realizing just how different girls are from boys.  I am too!

The younger ones have become pests and funny coming home with tales of the boys talking to girls.
Some of these girls are going through the younger ones to get to the older ones.  Jordan came home totally upset with his brothers teasing and called Max the paparazzi!

Then there are moments where they just beat each other up.  Then they are laughing.  Soon enough, it is then over and they are off to play a video game.

Us... girls... we want to talk.  We want to know what they are feeling.  I am realizing that maybe they are just thinking of nothing and feeling nothing.  Maybe that is possible.  I am actually coming to the realization that  boys/men are totally different.  We really must drain them.  I exhaust myself with all the emotions and feelings I go through in one day... Sanj is so good about listening to all my thoughts.  He seems to know how much a comment is acceptable and when I need more.

When I do ask him what he is thinking, when he is staring off in space, if his answer is more than nothing, it is usually boring.  No emotions or feelings that are exciting or inspiring.

Today as we were getting ready, he looked pensive, so I asked, "what are you thinking?"
He said, "about not going to the gym today."

Today, I had so many thoughts.  I was thinking of life as we get older.  I was contemplating Sanj and I as a couple when the children were all gone.  I was thinking of couples that break up after the kids were gone.   I was thinking of men that cheat on their wife after all that time.  I was thinking of those couples I see so often that are at a restuarant, just sitting.  There is no chatting and no engaging of one another.
Ick!  I would be so sad.

What happened?  Yes, I know, each couple has their own story.  Yet, I think the key is keeping your friendship alive.  If you are friends with your spouse... then you will want to be with them.  You will miss them.  I look forward to hanging out with Sanj.  Mind you, not every minute of the day... as we are very different.

I see retirement like this (especially if I win the lotto).  I am sure we will still live here.  Maybe on the lake... kids and grandkids will come and visit and all that good stuff.  I think that we will travel a fair bit. I want to see the world.  Then if we wintered in warmth a few months a year...  then I see us hanging out in the morning.  Sanj will have been up at 5 still, done whatever he does.  I will have enjoyed sleeping in.  We hook up to be served breakfast by the manservant.  We then relax a bit.  After lunch, he will go off and golf.  I will write, shop and do a book signing here and there.  We will then go out on the boat and have dinner somewhere into the sunset.

We then have time with each other and yet time to enjoy our hobbies and friends.
I still think Sanj will call me a million times a day just to say hi and see what I am up too.
He will miss me when he is away from me.  I will think of him and buy him little things that make him smile.  Of course there will be all that shopping for the grandkids too.

Ah... life is good.  Thank you, God, for making men from Mars and women from Venus.

My Very Bad Day!!!

I had a very bad day.  What made it bad?  Not one thing that I could pinpoint.  I was just in a funk, I suppose.

It started off with a meeting with my favourite committee... The Good Neighbour Committee from our school.  I love this group.  I love the things we do and stand for.  I love the ladies that some and share their time, heart and energy.  I love that at the end of a meeting, I hate leaving.

But leaving was soon inevitable.  Josh and I headed to Zellers to do the kind of shop I hate.  $200 later, I left with cleaning supplies, a new mop head, a bunch of new underwear, socks and undershirts for the boys.  Nothing of fun was purchased.   Josh came away with a GI Joe dude... and was happy but that was it.

Then I had to pick up my Uggs (Smile... had to exchange sizes)... that was fun.  Then we had a quick lunch and then... grocery shopping.  (You getting the idea of my bad mood developing?)

I didn't really have a list... our fridge and pantry was empty soon I needed all the basics.  Milk, eggs, bread, fruit, cereal, veggies... and to add to my frustration it is a bag your own stuff.  By this point, Josh was acting up... not that I blamed him... if I could get away with acting up... I would have!

There was NO Parking.... so we slushed our way to the very back of the lot.

Then it was off to sharpen skates and get a birthday gift at the sports store.  Just more of a 4 year old tired and bouncing balls instead of putting it away.

It was time to pick up Sammy... hush him up with a snack... and then pick up the other boys.

Sanj and Tyler had jujitsu ... and we headed home.

I wasn't home all day... so the mess that was left in the morning was what greeted me.

The boys fought the whole time it took for them to bring the groceries in...

I am very discombobulated.  I had a headache pretty much all week.  I am tired from not sleeping well last night... (I was so hot... very hot... but someone refused to let me open the window...)

Sanj comes home.  I am not sure what he started off on but it set me off.  He is so odd in his friendships and expectations that he has... really it is all obnoxious.  I am not like him at all.  Friendships and I are easy.  I don't understand his issues... well, I do but don't agree with them.   Really... he needs a pill!

At this point, I am loving him but really not liking him.  He is adding to my discombobulation.

Then he really does it.  He says... " I wish we could make a fire."  There is no more fire wood within reach.  Then he begins ... but doesn't finish... (but I will finish for him...)  " You are home during the day... couldn't you get some...."  (Of course he says he was going to say tell the boys to get some... NOT!)

Here is the thing.  I am one that works on my marriage every day.  I love this man.  I want us to be together forever.  I understand that it means work... changing... evolving.  If Sanj tells me there is something that drives him nuts about me (hard to believe... I know!!!)... I really take that to heart.

I work on fixing it.  Now he wants me to get firewood???

He is always complaining that I do not do outside work.  He is right.  I don't.  I am pretty sure if he listens to our vows... he will hear... I do  not do gardens.  I do not do outside work... Sorry I don't.  I do not get wood!!! 

In all fairness... he doesn't do laundry, cleaning bathrooms, changing sheets... and housework he does not do (except for the odd occasion... ).  And... he knows I will likely reward that behaviour!  :)

The wood pile is 200 feet or so in bumpy, icy snow and there is  dog doo doo is to be avoided.  It is dark and scary.  Hello... I don't even sleep without a light on near by.

But he wants a wife that gets firewood... (EVEN THOUGH THERE ARE 7 MEN IN THE HOUSE!!!)

Of  course he back tracks... and says he is kidding... and insists that I  not get firewood!

He is off to hockey with Jordan.  Now the dilemma is there.  I need firewood.  I know I won't be able to let this go.


I did go out... walked half way there... it is very cold... but more so it is scary and dark.  200 feet in the dark with coyotes not too far away... the boogey man just waiting for me... is a long ways!

I actually drove to the little town... in hopes of finding a bag of wood that I could pretend I got...  roll it in snow a bit... and make he feel bad!!!  Darn small towns... everything is closed before 8 pm!!!

I am back at the house.  Now what?  I really am to scared to go ... I bribed the boys $5 ... no go!

I then went higher... a checkered shirt for Tyler!  Bingo.

I am off to the woods.  If I don't blog again... the coyotes got me.

But at least my husband would have gotten his FIREWOOD!!!

My day still has the dishes in front of me... and then hopefully my very bad day will be over.

But... I won!  lol

See what this man lives with?  Or rather... see what I live with?  Really, I am deserving of a new laptop!

All Over Again! Yes, I Would!

Last night on our way home from friends, Sanj asked me if I knew what I know now, would I still have married him?

We were going back in time, he was telling (his version) of his proposal.

I said, "Yes, I would."

He was surprised that I said yes! lol

Guess he realizes that he is a kook.

Life is good. I think that the big picture is a good picture.

I love my husband. He keeps me on my toes. He makes my world go round. He is the peanut butter in my Reese cup.

I love you, Sanj.