One Out Of Every Six...

Did you know that 1 in 6 women are raped?  Did you know that most women know their rapist?  Did you know that 10% of girls that go away to university, will be victims of rape their first year?  Did you know that only 1 in 6  rape victims will report it?

Why am I writing this?  I have been thinking of it for a long time.  I was a victim of rape.  I am a survivor.  Everyone has a story.  Mine is not that different.  

Did I know him? Yes.

  

Did I trust him?  Most Definitely.

Was I vulnerable? Yes.

Who was he?  He was a teacher and pastor.

What was I doing?  Babysitting.

Did I report it?  Not to the police.  I wished later that I had.  I did eventually report it to the people that were in charge of his employment.  

What happened?  Not much.  Sure, he was "let go."  The funny thing is that these people, the principal... gave him a recommendation.  The church turned their heads.  When asked if they (the conference that he was hired under) knew of this, it was denied.  Hum.

Where is he now?  Back dealing with the vulnerable... back in the church, preaching.

Was I the only one?  Nope.

Often over the years, I  have thought back to this time in my life.  I think of those that did stand up with me, especially when I couldn't stand on my own.  I think of my rapist and wonder if he will ever be remorseful?  I think of the people in charge, who could have and should have done something.  I feel anger towards them the most.

Sanj called my rapist a wolf in sheep's clothing.  It is the perfect description of him.  Charismatic, engaging and knew how to get you hooked onto God.  Yet... there was another whole side.  I am so sad that I fell for the act.  

What makes me write this?  I have felt the need to write about this for a long time.  I have written about this under a pseudonym.

Yet as the years have gone by, there are so many with the same story as mine.  Just a little different backdrop yet the shock, horror, fear, disbelief, anger, sadness ... all are there for each of us.

I talked to someone who never shared it with anyone.  She is my age.  Wow.  I can't image holding that in.  Actually, it is the worst thing to do.  It is not your fault.  It can't be.  No... means N O!  Stop... means S T O P!  Don't means DO NOT!!!

So I write this to say... you are not alone.  You are one of many, many women.  It is something that we need to speak out about.  We are not the ones that should be embarrassed.  We are the ones that need to speak out.   This is where my issues with church lie.  Why are they protecting each other?  What if it was their daughter?  Would they still have each other's back?  What if these people were to experience rape?  Would churches still hire these criminals then?

OK... I have issues.  Yet most of it is stuff that I have had to let God deal with .  Justice is His and only His.  I have to be content that I do my part.  Part of that is to take a stand.  I want to be able to say loud and clear that I am have been a victim.  I am nobody's victim now. That is where it stops.  

As a mom of 6 sons, this is something that has shouted out to me.  I am in charge of teaching 6 soon to be men that woman deserve utmost respect.  Women are a gift from God.  Eve was a gift to Adam.  They are to be loved, cherished and respected.  They are to understand and listen.  No means NO! Stop mean STOP!  Don't means DO NOT!

This is such an important blog to me.  I waited forever to write it.  I wanted it to be right.  I want this, my story, to make a difference.  SO... I want to write and say, if you, too, have been a victim of rape, you are not alone.  Don't be alone.  Find a friend.  Share.  Pay a therapist.  They have to keep the information confidential.  Write in anonyomously.  Please just don't keep your pain and sadness locked in.  It isn't healthy or worth it.  Sharing  your pain is part of healing.


I am talking about rape.  Yet, there are so many other terms that simply mean violation.  If you are sexually touched in any way that was not wanted... it is a crime.  It is wrong.  Your body is yours.  No one has a right to any part of it.

1 out of 6 women are raped.  That do not mean that each of those 6 women must stay a victim.  It is in our power to change that!  Be that survivor! 

"And they'll know we are Christians by our love..."

Last week I finally realized that my children have no regard for the clothes that they have.  They do not appreciate the fact that there is usually clean laundry always at their disposal.  I stopped doing their laundry last Thursday.  I told them they (the older 3-4) were responsible for their stuff.  I don't think they believed me.

Yesterday after supper, I called them down and had them empty the laundry room.  It was so stuffed with clothes, you could barely open the door.  I think they were a little overwhelmed at the mound that piled there.  I had them sort through for their clothes.  I told them that there lays all their stuff.  If they wanted it clean, then wash it.

I have to admit, it feels good.  I don't even feel bad.  As far as Max and the younger two, as long as it is in their bin, I'll wash it.  They have always been good about putting their clothes away.

Guess they are growing up.  If I want them to be responsible men, it  has to include laundry!    :)

I feel OK with the laundry that is my part because it isn't an unreasonable amount any more!    Yah, me!

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Zach asked me the other day, "How come some people don't think we are Christians?"

That question surprised me a bit.  I guess it was a judgement that  was made based on the fact that we were not going to church regularly.  I found it bothersome.  It has been on my mind a bit.  Part of my wants to react ugly and mouth off but I won't.  What is the point?  If someone is taught to judge Christianity based on church attendance... wow, won't heaven be an interesting place?

My fingers have had to pause.  I feel that age old anger surfacing.  I feel that deep frustration that people are just so ignorant.  

This weekend at the retreat, my girlfriend and I were talking about church, God and all that is in the middle.  I was telling her of my decision to go back to church with some commitment to attend regularly.  This was a decision based on my children's needs and desires.  It was a decision based on a nudge.  

I was then telling her about my dad's letter.  She asked if I got the letter after the decision to go back to church.  She saw it as maybe they were connected.  I told her I didn't.  I think that God understands my deepest hurts.  He knows me deepest fears.  He knows what I need.  I don't think that God would take the peace that came with the letter away, even if I chose not to go to church.  I don't think He is that kind of God.

As I listened that weekend to the conversations, so many revolved around church.  So much revolved on hurts and disappointments.  I really think that is because we expect too much.  Church is really a place to meet with others and worship God.  It really should be that simple, shouldn't it?

That is what I see it as.  That is why this last weekend felt so good and was church for me.  We shared, sang, prayed and connected.  


"And they'll know we are Christians by our love."

I Felt A Nudge Today....

I have deleted many half written posts this week.  I think of things I want to say yet then stop before finishing it.  Then I delete it.  I have been feeling restless in my writing and thoughts.  Maybe I am putting pressure on myself for no reason.


I have come a long way since I was the little girl I once was.  There was so much bursting inside of me and yet most of it was trapped.  Now a day, there isn't too much that I don't say.  Sanj is forever scared of what is going to come out.  Yet, I don't apologize.  If I ask it, I really want to know about you.  I am not into pretences or beating around the bush.


Last week, I went for a ski lesson.  I went without any of the kids.  I went without distractions. Ha!  I did go with a girlfriend, who never had even been to a ski hill.  She was a natural.  Me... I was the one the very patient instructor worked with.  It was O.K.  I just need to practice... alone.  I need to conquer my fear of the chairlift... of getting off it.  I was proud of myself.  It really was not an easy thing for me.  It wasn't even fun.  It was stressful.  My friend and my instructor kept saying, "You just have to believe in yourself."  I thought I did.  Obviously not enough!  Then as I was at hockey with one of boys, a man I didn't know came to me and asked how the skiing was?  I assumed that he knew Sanj and my hubby told him.  Nope.  Well, he knew us, his kid is on the same team.  He was there.  He saw me.  Hum... then he didn't have to ask how skiing was... did he!  I am still proud that I did it.  I will go again.


I went to church today.  OK... I lie.  I did go to church but didn't actually sit in the service.  I was helping with a chilli lunch that the boys were part of.  Sammy and Tyler are going on a Serve Trip this summer.  It is a mission trip of sorts to one of the towns in Ontario about 4-5 hours from here.  So the chilli lunch was a fundraiser.


Still it was church.  I have to admit I was feeling nudges.  I was annoyed.  I couldn't really ignore it.  O.K., God.  I get it.  It is time again.  Church is and has been a sore point for me.  Many reasons.  One of the biggest is that there have been huge hurts.  Disappointments.  I did not get fed there.  No one's fault.  My own hurts to work through.   I just didn't feel Jesus there. When I say there... I mean church as a place, not specifically  our church.   Sad.  I feel Him in other places, like the boys school.


I did not miss church.  Yet I feel the nudges.  The boys need to go.  (I hear you, Doreen).  It is not about me.  I know.  So,,, I went to church.


I need to look only upward.  I need to focus all my attention upward and not look to man for God.  I had a huge hurt by a church person... a pastor.  It was a long time ago.  It still is there.  I know that they are only human yet when you are young, impressionable and need guidance, it is easy to assume that they are godly.  They are humans in need of God too.


So... the nudging...  I felt it.  I heard it.  Can you hear a nudge?  Let me tell you, yup!  If God is trying to get your attention and you are pretending not to hear or feel it... He will make sure you do!  Ouch.


I feel like crying because I so miss that faith I had of a child.  I so miss that ease of going to church.  I miss that feeling of knowing church was a safe place.  It's too bad someone stole that.  Yet, it was a human disguised as a godly man.


There are Godly men out there.  I see them.  I can't help but scrutinize them.  Are they real?  Here's the thing, if they only claim to be human, in need of God, searching for Him... then yes, I think they are real.
I am thankful for the real Godly men in my life.


Please don't take this wrong... church is a great thing.  I have some of my best memories there.  I loved church.  I hope that you love it.  I hope that it is a place where you see God, hear God and feel Him.  I am working on getting it back.  I think that is what the nudge was.  It is a nudging that it is time.  I am going back to the basics again.


In the mean time,  I am so glad for all the places that I can feel God, see God and hear God.  One of those places is in my child's eyes.  I love looking into their eyes and seeing God, hearing God and feeling Him.  How awesome is that?  I feel God everyday. Today, I felt His nudge.  It's time.