I Felt A Nudge Today....

I have deleted many half written posts this week.  I think of things I want to say yet then stop before finishing it.  Then I delete it.  I have been feeling restless in my writing and thoughts.  Maybe I am putting pressure on myself for no reason.


I have come a long way since I was the little girl I once was.  There was so much bursting inside of me and yet most of it was trapped.  Now a day, there isn't too much that I don't say.  Sanj is forever scared of what is going to come out.  Yet, I don't apologize.  If I ask it, I really want to know about you.  I am not into pretences or beating around the bush.


Last week, I went for a ski lesson.  I went without any of the kids.  I went without distractions. Ha!  I did go with a girlfriend, who never had even been to a ski hill.  She was a natural.  Me... I was the one the very patient instructor worked with.  It was O.K.  I just need to practice... alone.  I need to conquer my fear of the chairlift... of getting off it.  I was proud of myself.  It really was not an easy thing for me.  It wasn't even fun.  It was stressful.  My friend and my instructor kept saying, "You just have to believe in yourself."  I thought I did.  Obviously not enough!  Then as I was at hockey with one of boys, a man I didn't know came to me and asked how the skiing was?  I assumed that he knew Sanj and my hubby told him.  Nope.  Well, he knew us, his kid is on the same team.  He was there.  He saw me.  Hum... then he didn't have to ask how skiing was... did he!  I am still proud that I did it.  I will go again.


I went to church today.  OK... I lie.  I did go to church but didn't actually sit in the service.  I was helping with a chilli lunch that the boys were part of.  Sammy and Tyler are going on a Serve Trip this summer.  It is a mission trip of sorts to one of the towns in Ontario about 4-5 hours from here.  So the chilli lunch was a fundraiser.


Still it was church.  I have to admit I was feeling nudges.  I was annoyed.  I couldn't really ignore it.  O.K., God.  I get it.  It is time again.  Church is and has been a sore point for me.  Many reasons.  One of the biggest is that there have been huge hurts.  Disappointments.  I did not get fed there.  No one's fault.  My own hurts to work through.   I just didn't feel Jesus there. When I say there... I mean church as a place, not specifically  our church.   Sad.  I feel Him in other places, like the boys school.


I did not miss church.  Yet I feel the nudges.  The boys need to go.  (I hear you, Doreen).  It is not about me.  I know.  So,,, I went to church.


I need to look only upward.  I need to focus all my attention upward and not look to man for God.  I had a huge hurt by a church person... a pastor.  It was a long time ago.  It still is there.  I know that they are only human yet when you are young, impressionable and need guidance, it is easy to assume that they are godly.  They are humans in need of God too.


So... the nudging...  I felt it.  I heard it.  Can you hear a nudge?  Let me tell you, yup!  If God is trying to get your attention and you are pretending not to hear or feel it... He will make sure you do!  Ouch.


I feel like crying because I so miss that faith I had of a child.  I so miss that ease of going to church.  I miss that feeling of knowing church was a safe place.  It's too bad someone stole that.  Yet, it was a human disguised as a godly man.


There are Godly men out there.  I see them.  I can't help but scrutinize them.  Are they real?  Here's the thing, if they only claim to be human, in need of God, searching for Him... then yes, I think they are real.
I am thankful for the real Godly men in my life.


Please don't take this wrong... church is a great thing.  I have some of my best memories there.  I loved church.  I hope that you love it.  I hope that it is a place where you see God, hear God and feel Him.  I am working on getting it back.  I think that is what the nudge was.  It is a nudging that it is time.  I am going back to the basics again.


In the mean time,  I am so glad for all the places that I can feel God, see God and hear God.  One of those places is in my child's eyes.  I love looking into their eyes and seeing God, hearing God and feeling Him.  How awesome is that?  I feel God everyday. Today, I felt His nudge.  It's time.

So Sad!

I haven't written in many days.  I start to and then just stop.  I haven't the words to say what is on my heart. I don't want to sound preachy yet I can only be honest of my thoughts.  So... I can't stop thinking of Jesus' coming.


My brother, Kumar, is in Haiti.  He left Wednesday for a week to help drill wells at one of the orphanages and see what else they could do.  I have been following the  work their blog.  I feel so much pain in my heart.  I can't stop thinking of the sadness and pain.  He wrote my mom saying, "It is all so sad."

   

"This girl's name is Evangelista. Her mother died in the earthquake. Our medical people believe she has thyroid cancer that has metasticized . We took her to Port au Prince and was turned away because they are not to equipped to help." (Taken from Kumar's Facebook page).

I can't stop thinking about her.  Let's just process the fact that her mother just died.  How does she cope with the pain, sadness and fear?  Then take the cancer... does it hurt?  What is going to happen to her?

We live such a different life.  I am hunger so I go to my fridge and grab a snack.  I also know that I will be complaining about what to make for supper in a bit.  I will not be worrying about filling the bellies of my babes.  Yet, just on the other side of the world, are moms worried and sad as they listen to their babes cries for hunger.

I feel like screaming.  I feel the helplessness of not knowing how to make it all better.  I hate that all we can do doesn't change the fact that there are so many hunger and sick.  There are so many children... like my babes that I adore,  that will not have a meal, that are missing their parent that died... that are alone, sad and scared.

As I think of heaven and God, as I get so frustrated and sad... I have to hold on to the faith that there is a heaven and a God who is in control and will come down and take us to a better place.  I have to believe.  I have to have faith. 

I am not sure what will happen to this sweet little girl.  I can only pray that God holds her so tight and she feels the love of God and finds courage and strength to deal with each day as it comes.


Dear Jesus...
I can only be grateful for all we have.  I can only be shamed when I complain of the little stresses in life as children, people, on the other side, worry about food, shelter and feel pain of loss so huge I can't even put into words.


This little girl has grabbed my heart.  Oh dear God, please.... show them how to help her.  Please.


And if it is OK... please just come, now.
Amen.

Zachary... The Boy that Believes!

My older children are not real believers in Santa Claus. Christmas was different when they were real small. Then comes Zachary... from the time he was old enough, he has been a believer in Good Old St. Nick. With that enthusiasm of the belief is the Christmas Spirit. He wants to buy everyone a present. He has no worries of where the money is going to come from... and he has no problem wanting to earn it. He is a hard worker. He keeps up with Sanj, shoveling the rink, snow blowing etc.

He has such a wonderful spirit. If you have heard me talk about him, I am usually saying that he loves life... and lives it to the fullest of his 6 year old ability.

This year, as he went to bed early, so Santa would come, he was so excited. When he woke up, the first thing he said was that he heard bells that night.

If we are willing to believe in Santa, why not God? He has a great love for God. He has a great faith.

I hope that his faith in people, things real and unreal will grow with him as he grows up. I hope that his ability to love and give are gifts that he serves others well with.

I love that Zachary is a believer in all things great and wonderful.
Keeping believing my dear baby boy! Keep having faith. Keep believing in the good rather than bad. Just keep believing!

Christianity

Growing up I went to church every Saturday, church school all the way through university. My world revolved around Christians and I never had to live in the "outside world."

Over the years I have met non-christians but the majority of my circle has always been with people that share similiar beliefs as me.

Into my life has come a person who I have grown to love and appreciate... that isn't a professed christian. We have great discussions... she really makes me think of my faith and ask myself the hard questions that I have never really been asked.

Someone said to someone at our school.. " I really thought you would found the Lord before you left Rhema."

WHO SAYS THAT KIND OF THING? Is there a time line on "finding Christ?" It seems more of a judgement. That statement has left me baffled and upset. Being a Christian is a choice and about the relationship between two people... ultimately. In my experience people don't have to be professed christians to be TRUE christians.

God will do His thing in His time. It is all under control. I am not sure we are suppose to worry so much about converting people as much as sharing God's love, what He has done in our lives, and sharing through our actions. I believe that when people are wanting and ready... to accept God into their lives... God will bring about the right person to do that.

Converting someone seems like such a harsh word... that you are waiting for change to be made... it seems like a judgement. How can you hear about God's love and the story of redemption and NOT want to "convert?" Maybe some people's lives are fine. One of my friends said she never met more people that had been abused in some way or form than Christians. This statement made me realize that perhaps there is truth in it.

My kids know and love God. Is it because they are taught to? They don't need Him (at least not yet) the way I did growing up. They have parents they can turn to for all their needs.

Growing up, I never questioned God's existence. I NEEDED TO BELIEVE! I need someone to love me and fight the battles that my parents weren't. So I found the comment interesting. If you have a decent life ( and if you are and have been one of these people ... you are so blessed)... why would you need a Savior? Why would the story of God's love and salvation interest you ?
I have never met someone like this... so these questions have been stewing in my mind.

I also believe that God will make Himself known in His time. Not our time. Therefore putting a timeline on ones's conversion is highly presumptuous.

A real Christian is one that people don't have to ask if they are... their action and lifestyle speak loud and clear.

I am not in the business of converting. I wouldn't even know how to ... especially if you read my blog on the story of Cain and Abel! Help me!

I know that if I call myself a Christian then I need to step up to the plate and live my life as a witness of Christ and all He has done for me. I know that Christ will take care of the rest. I can't wait to see what God has planned. I am sure it is better than anything we can come up with!