I Felt A Nudge Today....

I have deleted many half written posts this week.  I think of things I want to say yet then stop before finishing it.  Then I delete it.  I have been feeling restless in my writing and thoughts.  Maybe I am putting pressure on myself for no reason.


I have come a long way since I was the little girl I once was.  There was so much bursting inside of me and yet most of it was trapped.  Now a day, there isn't too much that I don't say.  Sanj is forever scared of what is going to come out.  Yet, I don't apologize.  If I ask it, I really want to know about you.  I am not into pretences or beating around the bush.


Last week, I went for a ski lesson.  I went without any of the kids.  I went without distractions. Ha!  I did go with a girlfriend, who never had even been to a ski hill.  She was a natural.  Me... I was the one the very patient instructor worked with.  It was O.K.  I just need to practice... alone.  I need to conquer my fear of the chairlift... of getting off it.  I was proud of myself.  It really was not an easy thing for me.  It wasn't even fun.  It was stressful.  My friend and my instructor kept saying, "You just have to believe in yourself."  I thought I did.  Obviously not enough!  Then as I was at hockey with one of boys, a man I didn't know came to me and asked how the skiing was?  I assumed that he knew Sanj and my hubby told him.  Nope.  Well, he knew us, his kid is on the same team.  He was there.  He saw me.  Hum... then he didn't have to ask how skiing was... did he!  I am still proud that I did it.  I will go again.


I went to church today.  OK... I lie.  I did go to church but didn't actually sit in the service.  I was helping with a chilli lunch that the boys were part of.  Sammy and Tyler are going on a Serve Trip this summer.  It is a mission trip of sorts to one of the towns in Ontario about 4-5 hours from here.  So the chilli lunch was a fundraiser.


Still it was church.  I have to admit I was feeling nudges.  I was annoyed.  I couldn't really ignore it.  O.K., God.  I get it.  It is time again.  Church is and has been a sore point for me.  Many reasons.  One of the biggest is that there have been huge hurts.  Disappointments.  I did not get fed there.  No one's fault.  My own hurts to work through.   I just didn't feel Jesus there. When I say there... I mean church as a place, not specifically  our church.   Sad.  I feel Him in other places, like the boys school.


I did not miss church.  Yet I feel the nudges.  The boys need to go.  (I hear you, Doreen).  It is not about me.  I know.  So,,, I went to church.


I need to look only upward.  I need to focus all my attention upward and not look to man for God.  I had a huge hurt by a church person... a pastor.  It was a long time ago.  It still is there.  I know that they are only human yet when you are young, impressionable and need guidance, it is easy to assume that they are godly.  They are humans in need of God too.


So... the nudging...  I felt it.  I heard it.  Can you hear a nudge?  Let me tell you, yup!  If God is trying to get your attention and you are pretending not to hear or feel it... He will make sure you do!  Ouch.


I feel like crying because I so miss that faith I had of a child.  I so miss that ease of going to church.  I miss that feeling of knowing church was a safe place.  It's too bad someone stole that.  Yet, it was a human disguised as a godly man.


There are Godly men out there.  I see them.  I can't help but scrutinize them.  Are they real?  Here's the thing, if they only claim to be human, in need of God, searching for Him... then yes, I think they are real.
I am thankful for the real Godly men in my life.


Please don't take this wrong... church is a great thing.  I have some of my best memories there.  I loved church.  I hope that you love it.  I hope that it is a place where you see God, hear God and feel Him.  I am working on getting it back.  I think that is what the nudge was.  It is a nudging that it is time.  I am going back to the basics again.


In the mean time,  I am so glad for all the places that I can feel God, see God and hear God.  One of those places is in my child's eyes.  I love looking into their eyes and seeing God, hearing God and feeling Him.  How awesome is that?  I feel God everyday. Today, I felt His nudge.  It's time.

Fear Factor!

Fear!  I am such a chicken, I realized.  I know, everyone is scared of stuff... it is normal. Yet, I am scared of much more than the average person.   Of course this probably goes hand in hand that I am far from average! lol

Yesterday was ski day at the boys school.  It is such a great day.  Sanj took the day off, Sammy came with us and I picked up Josh and Zach at noon to take them too.  Everybody skis.  Yes, even Josh.  After 2 days of being out, with lessons, my boy was skiing down the hill like a crazy man.  I was so proud of him.  He was so proud of himself too.  Zach is a little pro.  He even went down Black Diamond with Sanj and the boys ... no  fear.

I have to admit, I really want to ski.  I love being the chalet too.  The  boys always know where to find me for snacks or what nots.  I like having the time to read and hang out.  Yet, if I am truthful.... I would love to zip down the hill.  It looks so easy!

I tried it... a few years ago.  I took a lesson.  That was part of the probably, I had a older dude and he did not make me feel comfortable.  I felt like he was annoyed to have to deal with me the whole time.  Then there was the ski lift.  Who thought of that?  Really!  Here is my real issue.. I am so scared to get off the lift and ski off.  It looks easy yet there is that huge chance that I may fall and they would have to stop the lift... and all of a sudden I am back in high school praying that the football doesn't come my way or that my bat makes contact with the darn ball.

I am a chicken.  I have overcome a lot.  Yet as I contemplate all the things I have fears of ... it is a long list of things:
-dark bottomless waters
-the dark
-being alone, especially at night
-heights
-mice, rats and rodents
-the boogie man
-some people actually scare me... being in there presence
-skiing and skating
-failing
-getting pregnant (I am not joking)
-cancer
-I could continue but why bother, you get the point... I am a chicken.

I look at my boys and think that they don't have fear of little things.  They can sleep in a totally dark room, closet open and feet exposed and be totally content.

I wondered how much of it is that fact that fear was part of my world since I was born.  My dad raised his hand on my when I was only a year old.  I learned to fear him more and more with each year that passed.  Life was not safe.  I realize that it sticks with you.  There are many things I fear simply because I never trust 100% that it is every OK.

Yet... I don't want to not live.  So... I have to trust that Sanj will never hit me.  I have to trust that he will never cheat on me.  I have to trust that we will always love and cherish each other.  I have to believe.  I have to trust.  Life would not be much if I did not chose to trust.

I trust that  the boogie man stays away. I trust that if I had to jump into dark waters that the sharks will not be attracted to me.  I trust that if I got cancer or pregnant that God will give me that strength to deal with it all.

So... as I work to overcoming fears and things that cause me to need a puffer... (a joke)... I think I am going to add a ski lesson to my list.  Yup... I blogged it.  I am going to do it.  Oh Father... please help me and let me not break anything.

Josh apparently told Sanj yesterday that he wanted to ski with mommy.  Grrr... that child!
Speaking of Josh... he said to me, "Mommy, how come I never dream about you?  I want to dream about you."  He left me speechless and breathless.  A child's love... what a beautiful thing.

Will You Be My Friend?

I think I am lonely today.  I am always around people yet sometimes I just miss having a real connection.
Do you know what I mean?  Everyone is so busy... I miss having those heart to hearts... I miss that time spent with someone I love that leaves me so filled.


Sigh.  Maybe it is the blues.  It is -18 ℃ + the wind = - 26℃!!!  So, yes, it could be the winter blues, after all, it is the end of January!  Most of our house is warm except the family room... the wood stove needs to be going.  I'd better get that wood before my sweet hubby comes home and wonders what I have been doing all day! lol


Lately I have been reacquainting myself with folks from high school thanks to Facebook. It is interesting to see what they have been up to and look at pictures of their family.  High school was not a period that I shined (or is it shone?).  When I went back to my class's 20 year reunion, I was sure that I would be fine.
Yet when I was in that environment, I found I     became me again from that era.  I was shy, nervous and felt insecure.  I left there feeling very annoyed with myself!!!


Those that are in my life today would probably have a very hard time believing how shy, quiet (lol) and insecure I was.  Those from my high school days, who don't see my life today, wouldn't.  In high school, I felt like I was trapped in a coma.  I wanted to be outgoing, friendly and me yet was somehow trapped by this coma I was in!


Next year is my 25th year reunion!  Wow, that makes me feel so old.  I want to overcome this craziness that takes over when I enter Ohio or see Spring Valley folks.  Maybe no one is judging me... maybe I am the only one judging me... harshly!


So, this is one of the things I am going to work on!  It is funny, but when someone befriends me on Facebook... that I wasn't really friends with in high school... I feel weird.  Instead of always fear or insecurites to take over, I am going to try and see this as a second chance.


One of my besties ( this is what today's kid calls a best friend) and I didn't really hang out in high school.
She would apparenly try to talk to me and I was so shy.  (I guess this was my defense to all the poop going on at home).


Is this all so weird?  Probably! Do you have any tips for me to get over my fears?


(Photo taken by Jordan Sukumaran and Photo editing done by Maxwell Sukumaran).