Love based on Choice...

Love others based on CHOICE not Feelings! 

I like that.  This was on one of my Facebook friends status.  I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I think that loving someone unconditionally is the hardest thing we will do.  I struggle with this.  Some of my kids really push my buttons.  When you are riding the elevator, you know how there is the kid riding along that takes his chubby little palms and rubs the buttons up and down, therefore causing the elevator to stop way too many times before it gets to your floor?  That is life  with some of my babes.  There seems to be too many rough, unnecessary stops along the way.

I have to love my children.  Well, maybe, technically, I don't have to but I can't help it.  I love them to pieces.  How come the times in between can be so rough?  Here's the thing, how hard is it to not touch your brother?  Really?  Why can't the hands be kept to themselves?  Then the hitting starts... do you really think if you hit it will end there?  NO!

I ran in to grab a few things I need for supper.  I came back to WWIII erupting in the van.  It was all because hands did not stay where they belonged!!!  Then the arguing started.  Why does one think the world is against them?  Why is it always some else's fault?

I told this child of mine to get out of the van.  Find his own ride home or even another home if that works better for him.  I really wanted him to get out!  I am pretty sure I would have.  I would have ended up walking to Sanj's office.  But this child of mine would not budge.

Here's the thing...  I reacted.  I started talking back.  Why can I not be quiet?  Why can I not be calm?

I came all the way down to his level.  Why?

I came down to his level and argued with him because ultimately I care.  It sometimes sucks to care.  I care because I love.  I love my kids so much.  I love them with all my heart.  It is a choice and a feeling most times.  Yet when I am not feeling the love, I still choose to love them.

Sigh.  It was a rough evening.  I actually apologized to him.  I am the worst at apologizing, especially if I really care.  I have been wrong exactly 4 times in my marriage.  lol  Yup... I can name every time to you.  Trust me, it was painfully and excruciating and saying, "I am sorry" sucked.  Yet I love my hubby, so when I am wrong, I say I am wrong. (Hey, wasn't that a line in Dirty Dancing)?

*** O.K.  Side bar... really I am kidding.  I am sure I have been wrong a few more than 4 times.  Thankfully I have a husband that is very generous with apologies and loves me for all I am!   xoxox Sanj!

Back to yesterday... I apologized.  I was still mad but I am pretty sure that flinging words as a grown up wasn't the right thing to do.  (Even if I was right)!

I love my son.  I choose to love him despite himself.  I wish he would love me in spite of myself.

Sigh.

Not Qualified!

I am feeling really sad right now.  In the 2 hours in which I picked up my oldest, I feel I have aged 10 years.  I feel wrinkles and a tumor coming on.


I went on my Facebook page and there were these moms writing about the gratitude of their children and how wonderful they are.  I am not feeling this.

Food is a constant factor.  From the moment I pick Sammy up, he is hungry.  Fine, I get that.  What he fails to mention is that he wants a 2 Cheeseburger Combo from McD EVERY DAY.  Another other snack, he turns down.  Then the attitude begins.

Today it was ugly.  Ugly words were said.  I said some back.  I am so angry.  I do not like this child of mine.  How could such a selfish being come from me?  I am hurt.  I am so tired of his view that sees only how things are not about him.  He never seems to see the zillion and one things that we do or buy or provide for him.


My oldest and my youngest are 100% certified spoiled brats.  I am obviously so not cut out to do this job.
Where can I turn in my resignation?


Sometime in the couple of weeks, I saw a mom I knew years ago.  She had twins and a couple of kids.  Apparently she decided one day that she did not want to be a mom.  She left.  Wow... was that an option?
Sometimes, like today, I wonder if they would not be better without me?


I suck at parenting.  I am so reactionary.  I REACT immediately.  I am so emotional.  If I could count to 10 before I react... it may be more effective.  I usually say something, yes, that I mean at that moment, and then the situation explodes.


Sammy got food into him and then calmed down.  I said something and he responds, "I am trying to be nice now."


What he doesn't understand is that while the pasta  defused his raging teen hormones, I am still fuming.  I am hurt.  I am not quite as quick about pulling my emotions together.


Who is this child?  Where is that boy that I knew?  Unfortunately for me, Sammy has always been an emotional roller-coaster.


Maybe I need counseling.  Maybe there is a pill that I can pop.  Maybe there is the option of just running away.  Maybe I need to just quit being mom!


Being a mom was something I always felt I was cut out to be.  It is so disheartening to find that it is not in my qualifications.


Maybe I should give knitting another go...   I am so discouraged today.  In the midst of other people being delighted about the kids God has blessed them with, how can I voice my truth?


What is the truth?  I am qualified to raise amazing spoiled brats.


In case you doubt it, I do love them.  Don't they say there is a fine line between love....


Father, God, Jesus....  Please help me.  Help me help them. Please.

Beware...

I could tell you about my evening spent fighting with my oldest...

I could tell you about the moodiness that invades his being...

I could tell you I am not even sure how to parent him when he is like this...

I could tell you that I would have had that attitude beat out of me...

I could tell you that I am so torn with love and annoyance toward my not so little man.

It is so tiring. 

I feel like I am getting it so wrong.

I am tired.

He is tired.

Could he just not see how much I love him?

I wonder where that little boy with the Nike cap went? 

Is he in there still?

I could tell you that this part is hard.

I hate feeling frustrated and angry at him.

Yet his rudeness and attitude is so in my face.

I can't ignore it.

So I keep at it...

I keep correcting...

I keep reprimanding...

I keep trying.

When is it going to end?

When is my boy going to run out of his moods?

He will run out of them, right?

Please God... give us both what we need.

Teenage Torment

I have missed writing. Life has been busy. Today I had to take Tyler to the orthodontist for 10 a.m. I decided to take him out for breakfast after dropping the others off.

Moody. Wow. Here's the thing, I wanted to have my boys close together. I had this fantasy that this would allow them the chance to be friends as well as siblings. I am not sure what I was smoking.

What has been the outcome of that is I have a 14 year old... with 95% attitude. I have a 13 year old with 75% attitude. I have a 12 year old with 50% attitude.

Hello... where did I go wrong? What was I thinking? Don't get me wrong... they have their moments of wonderfulness but really is moments all I get for the next few years?

Sanj said last night... "wake me up when it is over..." lol

So I am not sure on what the point was. Sure they can be friends... there are those moments.

But Tyler ... I so expected him to be easier. Maybe he is easier. I am just scarred. He is an intense child. He is my child that latches on to something and I am doomed.

First there was the obsession with tools. That lasted about 2 years. Then it was all about triceratops. You know the 3 horned dinosaur. That lasted for a few years. Then there was elephants. That was followed by the Crocodile Hunter and a love for reptiles especially crocs.

I am exhausted just remembering. The older he gets the more expensive his obsessions become. Clothing, golf clubs and so forth.

He is now into his friends. It is exhausting. If he is not with them, then he is online texting, emailing or Face-booking them.

He is loyal. He is dedicated to things he loves. Sanj and I were saying he will make a good husband someday far away.

I miss my sweet Ty-ty. I am not sure who this moody broody boy is that keeps surfacing.

So as much as I loved having a baby factory going back in the day... I didn't think of the hormone hazards that would be coming my way too.

Thankfully I have my lovelies still... my Maxwell, Zachary and Mama loving Josh!

The Power of Protein!

I have been blogging mostly the trials of a moody teenager. Right now I know that we can't survive another month the way it has been.

We were getting hair cuts a couple of days ago, something that takes about an hour and bit to have all 6 heads looking handsome. Usually during this time, the older ones wander around the stores near by, usually Sports Chek. They come back with a want list... and then continue to dream.

Sammy saw a ball cap. "Can you get this for me?" he asked.

"Can you stop with your moodiness for a week?" I asked. Can you sense my desperation? I am not beyond bribery or positive incentives!

OK... was the deal... one week of controling his moodiness and the ball cap will be his. Part of this is to simply calm him down to a place of talking to him without his attitude plugging his ears.

After talking to a friend about his moods etc., I realized that food was part of his issue. I have always known that when he is hungry, he is unreasonable. Yet it was pointed out to me the importance of PROTEIN and how much we need (even children).

I am not a huge fan of protein in general. Carbs are my friend. So I struggle to ingest an adequate amount myself. We always have the typical meat, carb and veggies kind of meal at home. But when we eat out, I am not usually on top of it. And I did not realize the amount of protein that one needs in a day!

I pointed out to Sammy that we needed to make a conscience effort of eating protein at each meal and snack time. He is not a big breakfast person. Shakes... he likes. So it is making sure that is happening.
Lunch is not his favorite time either, unless it is gourmet. So he is not really eating enough to ward off his moods.

Interesting... in the last 24 hours, with constant efforts of food and making protein a big part of his diet, we have had A FULL DAY without mood swings!

ONE DAY! Hey, if it means a hat a week... protein power... and no moodiness... I am all for it!

PROTEIN! It is its own SUPERHERO!

My brother's response to this was "who knew that eating properly would be the answer!" He is such a smart mouth.