My Very Bad Day!!!

I had a very bad day.  What made it bad?  Not one thing that I could pinpoint.  I was just in a funk, I suppose.

It started off with a meeting with my favourite committee... The Good Neighbour Committee from our school.  I love this group.  I love the things we do and stand for.  I love the ladies that some and share their time, heart and energy.  I love that at the end of a meeting, I hate leaving.

But leaving was soon inevitable.  Josh and I headed to Zellers to do the kind of shop I hate.  $200 later, I left with cleaning supplies, a new mop head, a bunch of new underwear, socks and undershirts for the boys.  Nothing of fun was purchased.   Josh came away with a GI Joe dude... and was happy but that was it.

Then I had to pick up my Uggs (Smile... had to exchange sizes)... that was fun.  Then we had a quick lunch and then... grocery shopping.  (You getting the idea of my bad mood developing?)

I didn't really have a list... our fridge and pantry was empty soon I needed all the basics.  Milk, eggs, bread, fruit, cereal, veggies... and to add to my frustration it is a bag your own stuff.  By this point, Josh was acting up... not that I blamed him... if I could get away with acting up... I would have!

There was NO Parking.... so we slushed our way to the very back of the lot.

Then it was off to sharpen skates and get a birthday gift at the sports store.  Just more of a 4 year old tired and bouncing balls instead of putting it away.

It was time to pick up Sammy... hush him up with a snack... and then pick up the other boys.

Sanj and Tyler had jujitsu ... and we headed home.

I wasn't home all day... so the mess that was left in the morning was what greeted me.

The boys fought the whole time it took for them to bring the groceries in...

I am very discombobulated.  I had a headache pretty much all week.  I am tired from not sleeping well last night... (I was so hot... very hot... but someone refused to let me open the window...)

Sanj comes home.  I am not sure what he started off on but it set me off.  He is so odd in his friendships and expectations that he has... really it is all obnoxious.  I am not like him at all.  Friendships and I are easy.  I don't understand his issues... well, I do but don't agree with them.   Really... he needs a pill!

At this point, I am loving him but really not liking him.  He is adding to my discombobulation.

Then he really does it.  He says... " I wish we could make a fire."  There is no more fire wood within reach.  Then he begins ... but doesn't finish... (but I will finish for him...)  " You are home during the day... couldn't you get some...."  (Of course he says he was going to say tell the boys to get some... NOT!)

Here is the thing.  I am one that works on my marriage every day.  I love this man.  I want us to be together forever.  I understand that it means work... changing... evolving.  If Sanj tells me there is something that drives him nuts about me (hard to believe... I know!!!)... I really take that to heart.

I work on fixing it.  Now he wants me to get firewood???

He is always complaining that I do not do outside work.  He is right.  I don't.  I am pretty sure if he listens to our vows... he will hear... I do  not do gardens.  I do not do outside work... Sorry I don't.  I do not get wood!!! 

In all fairness... he doesn't do laundry, cleaning bathrooms, changing sheets... and housework he does not do (except for the odd occasion... ).  And... he knows I will likely reward that behaviour!  :)

The wood pile is 200 feet or so in bumpy, icy snow and there is  dog doo doo is to be avoided.  It is dark and scary.  Hello... I don't even sleep without a light on near by.

But he wants a wife that gets firewood... (EVEN THOUGH THERE ARE 7 MEN IN THE HOUSE!!!)

Of  course he back tracks... and says he is kidding... and insists that I  not get firewood!

He is off to hockey with Jordan.  Now the dilemma is there.  I need firewood.  I know I won't be able to let this go.


I did go out... walked half way there... it is very cold... but more so it is scary and dark.  200 feet in the dark with coyotes not too far away... the boogey man just waiting for me... is a long ways!

I actually drove to the little town... in hopes of finding a bag of wood that I could pretend I got...  roll it in snow a bit... and make he feel bad!!!  Darn small towns... everything is closed before 8 pm!!!

I am back at the house.  Now what?  I really am to scared to go ... I bribed the boys $5 ... no go!

I then went higher... a checkered shirt for Tyler!  Bingo.

I am off to the woods.  If I don't blog again... the coyotes got me.

But at least my husband would have gotten his FIREWOOD!!!

My day still has the dishes in front of me... and then hopefully my very bad day will be over.

But... I won!  lol

See what this man lives with?  Or rather... see what I live with?  Really, I am deserving of a new laptop!

Here I Go... Again.

It is 10:01 p.m.  I am nursing a headache.  I seem to have a sinus headache for the past few days.  Maybe I am allergic to the mess that is constantly in my house.

Sanj is at the school board meeting.  He just keeps going and going.  I love him.  He is such a sport.

Over the years we have been married, I am always and forever coming up with a new "scheme."  I am not really trying to get rich ...  I realize I was just trying to find me.

I have defined myself by being "mom" for so long... and of course that is who I am.  It was who I was ... all of me.. for so many years.  I loved being mom.  Yes, I am still mom... but you know what I mean, don't you?

I am mom to six dearly loved boys who still are my world... but they are and continue to take steps away from me for periods of time that force me to seek who I am aside from mom.

I didn't realize how tricky that would be.  Many moms know who they are.  They are nurses, teachers or busy stay at home moms.  

For me, staying at home is no longer fun.  It means that  I am home alone (that is the biggest problem).  It means that all the mess is shouting at me.  It means laundry could possibly be kept under control.  It means groceries and meals could be more organized.  Staying at home means housework.  I have come to the conclusion that isn't my cup of tea.  Get ME OUTTA HERE!!!

So I have been really struggling to find what I am suppose to do... who am I?

• I thought that the real estate world would be exciting and interesting.  But as I approached that world I realized that it really isn't conducive to what we want or need as a family.  Evening are our busiest time.  It is the time everyone needs me to be mom.  Real Estate Agent
• I thought that maybe I would love my own store of cool stuff.  But that was very short lived... as cool as it really does seem... we really don't need to be owner of another business.  (I  always wanted to pay a cashier!  It seems so fun!  Store Owner
• Then there is the idea of me working in the clinic.  I get a paycheck... so I really do have to show up for work.  I have done this... it is all good.  I actually really don't mind it... so I am continuing to do it but it isn't my heart's desire.  Working as everyone's assistant at the Ear Company    ( I really am just crossing it off  because if I can find my passion and am  good at it and make money... this is will crossed off too... plus it just looks good!)
• I had the idea of being a waitress... I have the experience and love people... but Sanj couldn't see his trophy wife as a waitress.  Waitress
• I wanted to be the secretary at the boys school... Rhema... how fun that would be!!! (Rena, Kate, don't burst my bubble). Rhema's Administrative Assistant
• Ok.. I am tired of listing all the things... but you get the picture, don' t you?

Just a side bar... I realize that not every one gets to do their heart's desire as a job in the real world.  But...  I can seek it out while working... then it isn't hurting anyone... is it?

Today while chatting with God in the shower (yes, I do!) I realized that the only thing or person holding me back was me and fear.

So I made a plan.  I went to lunch with my favorite husband and while I let him eat my yummy soup... told him I had an idea.  Here's the thing... I actually heard him sigh and brace himself.

How I love this man.  He knows me so well.  He knows well enough to be scared. lol

I am going to work on my book.  I am going to carve out a time and place and that is going to be me at work.  I am going to work!  I am so excited.  A couple of hours a day... not allowing for interruptions... I have to be a strict boss.   I am going after my dream job.  I have given myself till June to see how it is coming.

Of course this is where Sanj's "support" ended.  He didn't give in to the idea of my needing a writer's loft or apartment.  He didn't see my desperate need for a new computer either.  I will work on those two things.  But really ... I love this man for supporting me.

I am on my way to fulfilling my dream of becoming a best selling author and if it doesn't work out... there is a cashier's till waiting for me... I am sure!

lol

The Nudge...

I asked the boys to clean up and divided various areas of the house... and each to deal with their room.
I am quite pleased with the out come.  


I was sitting in the family room folding some laundry and something  caught my eye.
Are you kidding me?
No wonder the room was cleaned so quickly and everything was picked up!
My dear messy by nature Jordan shoved everything under the couch.
A quick check into his bedroom showed me a neat room but very cramped quarters under his bed!!!


Oh Bother!


I did find a solution to our dirty floors.  This "new" house has tiles that are light in colour and shows all the dirty!  A good thing, yes, I suppose.  Our last house we put down this lovely grey/taupe 12x12 tile.  I loved it.   It hide the dirt well... but was easy to clean when I cleaned it. 

I bought the Swifer Wet Jet... the boys love it because it is kind of like a toy... with a button to press to squirt out the cleaner and mopping is fun!  I love it because I don't  have to worry about the mop bucket spilling or drowning a child (I saw this on Oprah years ago... and it obviously haunted me).


I am forever looking for creative ways to get the boys to add more of the housecleaning on their chores.
Of course the older ones don't care how 'fun' it may be... they realized the cleaning part of it and complain... so I just say "do it."  If you pee on the floor, seats, ceiling... lol then you can clean it.


I wonder if God gave boys their appendage  to be an annoyance to moms?
Maybe He was just punishing me for my sins by blessing me with 6 that lack aiming abilities!


I do love my boys.


I had sort of a moment the other night.  One of the reasons  I wished for a for a girl is that I feel that I will miss that relationship later in life of a daughter.  I also have seen too many ugly or stressful daughter-in-law/mother-in-law relationships and not enough positive ones to fear the future, so to speak.


I just wonder how to have a great relationship with the ladies in my boys lives.
Then the other night I was on Facebook.  The instant chat pops up and there is Tyler's "friend" saying hi.
I was a bit caught off guard.  I figured maybe she wanted me to get Tyler on line or something.
But no, she just chatted.  It was funny.  
She asked me what I was doing...
 I replied that I was putting the 2 youngest to bed... but it wasn't going to well...
She then told me that she had to put her younger brother to bed the other night and how he was hyper.


OK... we chatted for a few minutes... and I have to tell you it was weird... but cool.
I even told her that Tyler wasn't home but at hockey.
She said that she knew as he wanted her to come to his game.


I had an epiphany of sorts.  Now this isn't Tyler's girlfriend... as he isn't allowed to date till he is 30.  
But I had this moment that life is so different now a day.  There is the possibility to be friends with the ladies in my boys lives... someday.


My mother-in-law was not looking for friendship (at least back then)... it was more about respect and treating her son well.  It was about being "daughterly" but knowing my place, so to speak.  It was all so different even culturally, I suppose.


Maybe God was just opening my eyes a bit.  Maybe He was just showing me that life is full of potential... especially the future.  It is all good.  I need to be open to all that the future will hold.
I always hated when people said to me, "Don't worry, you'll have 6 daughter-in-laws some day." 


I felt that they didn't understand my desire for a daughter.  But really even I couldn't understand it.
But I know that relationships are a two way street.   The future (which I know is a LONG ways away) that will bring ladies into my life... will be full of beautiful possibilities...  I need to be willing and ready to embrace all that may be.


As I ended my chat with the friend of Tyler's, I appreciated the nudge that I felt from God.
Open Hearted... Open Minded...


My heart is pounding at bit...  lol

Restless Night... Restless Day!

Right now I feel paralyzed.  I choose to stay at home to clean and get the laundry done... yet it is almost noon and I haven't got much done.  I really want to go out for lunch with a friend and just relax.

Last night I didn't sleep the greatest.  That is part of my problem.  The boys stayed up for the World Junior Hockey game... Canada lost in overtime.  It took they a bit to settle down and get to bed.

I have this fear that I am not loving my boys enough.  It is a weird feeling I get.  For example, Josh is in our bed more then he isn't.  I will move him to his bed and by midnight he is back.  Yet the same goes for Zach.  A lot of the time, I just allow them to fall asleep in our bed and then move them both.  It is just easier to get them to sleep quicker.

But I know that Zach feels Josh's overpowering personality invading his space.  He needs to feel the love of being the younger one too.  His brothers aren't as tolerant of him.   In all fairness, he is annoying to them... it is how he gets attention.

So last night, Zach woke up and watched the last 5 minutes of hockey.  Then he asked if he could sleep in our bed.  I moved Josh into the other room so that Zach could sleep with us and Sanj wouldn't complain about not having room.

Of course then Josh wakes up crying at 2 a.m. and is in our room again.

2 big bodies and 2 little bodies... didn't make for a restful sleep.

But then I see Zach's face this morning with a smile... "Good morning, Mom.  I love you."

It really was worth it.

OK... I know ... no  one in our bed.   I know that.... But...  sigh.

Then there is this blog.  I love writing.  But now that I am writing with more of a purpose, I feel worried about the content of the post.  What if it is dumb?  I hate worrying about what others think.  I spent too much of my life doing that.  So... I am just writing to write.  Sorry, but sometimes there isn't exciting to write about but I have to write.  It is just like I have to eat or breath.

I wish I had a place to go and write.  How cool would that be?   A little shack or even just a writing space.  Hum... the problem with that is that I would not get anything done... Like today!

OK... I am off to clean for real!

A Perfect Moment!

Right now, this moment, life is perfect.
It's 10:31 p.m. and the boys are all in sync.
They are all at the table together.
Yes, it is a school night.
Yes, the morning is going to be rough.
Yes, it will be worth it.




I wish you could hear the sounds.
Aw.... Oh... YES!!!
Team Canada vs Team USA


It' s a tie.  It's gone to overtime.
Nothing at this moment matters except being brothers and hockey.
It's a perfect moment.
Go Team Canada! 

I Met a Superhero Today!

Today I met a superhero!

I was just about ready to head to the office when I decided to go into the school and help Josh into his classroom, as we were already late.  (This is why I don't make New Year's Resolutions).

As I was sitting on the rug of the JK/SK room it hit me that today was my morning as classroom helper.

(Good thing I have it in with the boss)!  So I change my mindset from seniors to little ones.

20 Joshs!

OH MY GOODNESS!  Let me tell you... we live in Canada... lots of snow and lots of very cold temps!

Snow pants, boots, coats, hats, mitts, zippers times this by 20!!!

Then there are all these little hands that are constantly up with so much to say... and this amazing person voices excitement for all the tid-bits.

There is the bathroom breaks.... making sure the nonsense in the bathroom is kept to a minimum.

There are tears that need to be dealt with just as mommy would (actually even better).

There is learning that happens too!

OK... my job that I would put up there on top of my list of people that I admire was a brain surgeon.

McDreamy sure made that job look so easy and sexy!

For real... I just can't imagine ever feeling so confident with knowledge to cut open someone's brain!!!

I just have always thought you had to have all your ducks in a row.

In surgery... you can play Bach or MC Hammer to calm your nerves.  You get a nurse or assistant there to wipe your brow.

In JK you get a 10 second potty break if you remember!   To be a JK/SK teacher... you have to have calm like you wouldn't believe!!!   You have to be so loving and yet know when to be firm.

I could go on and on.  Again, probably because I was in there, my kid, Josh acts up.  I was so stressed by his craziness.  His teacher... she was so awesome.

I was thinking that she could be Supernanny to JKs!!!

Today I met a superhero!  Josh doesn't know how lucky he has it everyday he is at school!

We love you, Mrs Herder and Mrs. Smale.  You are a super hero to me!

As Good As It Gets...

Life for my Josh is just plain good!  It is like he has his own fan club within his family.

He just KNOWS he is loved.  

Does it get any better than this?

Of course all my boys know they are loved.  ( I am sure Sammy and Tyler question it every so often when they feel like all is against them).  But the boys know love.

The thing is that Josh is loved and liked by all his brothers.

When Sammy is on the outs with us, he will try and get Josh to come over to his 'side.'

Today in the van I must have reprimanded him.  He just looked at me and quietly said, "That's not very nice."  Even though I was right, I did feel kind of small.

He was looking through a little Playmobile catalogue... (which was the death of me today).  He realized that Christmas was done and would take a long time to come around again... so he started on his birthday... which is in March.

After I told him that he better look for something else, aside from the police station set because he already got it and didn't take care of it... he told me... "That's OK, I'll ask my brothers and they'll get it for me."

I am not sure how long  his movie star treatment will last... as already he does typical little brother things that do annoy them...

But I love watching his confidence that love of his family will make everything Ok. 
Being the youngest comes with perks!