5%...

I love being mommy 95% of the time.  Last night we were in bed, I was snuggling with my youngest two as they burned up with fever.  Suddenly I hear something that sounded like a pipe burst and all this gushing of water.  Sammy yelled, "Mommy!!"


As I walked down the hall, I  saw a little pond at the base of the bed.  Brown gunk.  It took me a minute to process it.   Lots of chocolate Dairy Queen birthday cake from supper, except you could swim in it.


SANJ!!!  Vomit and I do not mix well.  This is a part of motherhood that I am so not cut out for!   Oh my goodness!  How can so much fit in a  body?  


I am home today with most of the boys home sick, down and out.  It  is a day I don't mind as long as all body fluids stay in.  They are quieter, calmer and want to snuggle.  


Hopefully this is a 24/48 hour bug.  So all will be right in their world again.


After vomiting, my son came to me and said, "I lost 5 pounds."
Oh dear!

Not Qualified!

I am feeling really sad right now.  In the 2 hours in which I picked up my oldest, I feel I have aged 10 years.  I feel wrinkles and a tumor coming on.


I went on my Facebook page and there were these moms writing about the gratitude of their children and how wonderful they are.  I am not feeling this.

Food is a constant factor.  From the moment I pick Sammy up, he is hungry.  Fine, I get that.  What he fails to mention is that he wants a 2 Cheeseburger Combo from McD EVERY DAY.  Another other snack, he turns down.  Then the attitude begins.

Today it was ugly.  Ugly words were said.  I said some back.  I am so angry.  I do not like this child of mine.  How could such a selfish being come from me?  I am hurt.  I am so tired of his view that sees only how things are not about him.  He never seems to see the zillion and one things that we do or buy or provide for him.


My oldest and my youngest are 100% certified spoiled brats.  I am obviously so not cut out to do this job.
Where can I turn in my resignation?


Sometime in the couple of weeks, I saw a mom I knew years ago.  She had twins and a couple of kids.  Apparently she decided one day that she did not want to be a mom.  She left.  Wow... was that an option?
Sometimes, like today, I wonder if they would not be better without me?


I suck at parenting.  I am so reactionary.  I REACT immediately.  I am so emotional.  If I could count to 10 before I react... it may be more effective.  I usually say something, yes, that I mean at that moment, and then the situation explodes.


Sammy got food into him and then calmed down.  I said something and he responds, "I am trying to be nice now."


What he doesn't understand is that while the pasta  defused his raging teen hormones, I am still fuming.  I am hurt.  I am not quite as quick about pulling my emotions together.


Who is this child?  Where is that boy that I knew?  Unfortunately for me, Sammy has always been an emotional roller-coaster.


Maybe I need counseling.  Maybe there is a pill that I can pop.  Maybe there is the option of just running away.  Maybe I need to just quit being mom!


Being a mom was something I always felt I was cut out to be.  It is so disheartening to find that it is not in my qualifications.


Maybe I should give knitting another go...   I am so discouraged today.  In the midst of other people being delighted about the kids God has blessed them with, how can I voice my truth?


What is the truth?  I am qualified to raise amazing spoiled brats.


In case you doubt it, I do love them.  Don't they say there is a fine line between love....


Father, God, Jesus....  Please help me.  Help me help them. Please.

Restless Night... Restless Day!

Right now I feel paralyzed.  I choose to stay at home to clean and get the laundry done... yet it is almost noon and I haven't got much done.  I really want to go out for lunch with a friend and just relax.

Last night I didn't sleep the greatest.  That is part of my problem.  The boys stayed up for the World Junior Hockey game... Canada lost in overtime.  It took they a bit to settle down and get to bed.

I have this fear that I am not loving my boys enough.  It is a weird feeling I get.  For example, Josh is in our bed more then he isn't.  I will move him to his bed and by midnight he is back.  Yet the same goes for Zach.  A lot of the time, I just allow them to fall asleep in our bed and then move them both.  It is just easier to get them to sleep quicker.

But I know that Zach feels Josh's overpowering personality invading his space.  He needs to feel the love of being the younger one too.  His brothers aren't as tolerant of him.   In all fairness, he is annoying to them... it is how he gets attention.

So last night, Zach woke up and watched the last 5 minutes of hockey.  Then he asked if he could sleep in our bed.  I moved Josh into the other room so that Zach could sleep with us and Sanj wouldn't complain about not having room.

Of course then Josh wakes up crying at 2 a.m. and is in our room again.

2 big bodies and 2 little bodies... didn't make for a restful sleep.

But then I see Zach's face this morning with a smile... "Good morning, Mom.  I love you."

It really was worth it.

OK... I know ... no  one in our bed.   I know that.... But...  sigh.

Then there is this blog.  I love writing.  But now that I am writing with more of a purpose, I feel worried about the content of the post.  What if it is dumb?  I hate worrying about what others think.  I spent too much of my life doing that.  So... I am just writing to write.  Sorry, but sometimes there isn't exciting to write about but I have to write.  It is just like I have to eat or breath.

I wish I had a place to go and write.  How cool would that be?   A little shack or even just a writing space.  Hum... the problem with that is that I would not get anything done... Like today!

OK... I am off to clean for real!

Equality

My in-laws were over last night. We celebrated my brother-in-law's birthday late.

There was food, cake and cousins. It made for a nice night.

Then it started. The argument of all arguments. It is the argument that seems to have no beginning or end. It is about equality. My in-laws insist that they were fair in their love with both their boys.

Sanj feels otherwise. lol His brother, Raj, is a persistent sort. Once he gets something in his head, it is hard to get it out. There was the time when Raj wanted a motorcycle. He bugged his parents to death for this bike. They gave in.

Then there is the story of the 10 speed. Apparently Sanj worked his butt off to earn a 10 speed bike. He bought this used one and painted and fixed it up. Sanj's version is that his parents then went out and bought Raj one. And it was a new 10 speed. His parents argue that is wasn't new.

Then they explained that Sanj was the responsible one. So they gave him a credit card when he went off to school. (Apparently Sanj only used it for gas). They spent their money on his education.

This is the age old argument that comes up. Then without fail, they leave by saying, "Well never mind, Son, we love you very much and equally."

I actually felt bad for my in-laws last night. They want so badly for their kids to know that they loved them. Equally. Yet since the reality is that there was inequality there, this argument seems to be an endless one.

What do I mean by equality? Well, Raj is a demanding personality. He is the one that got the girls, but only because he went after them. Sanj was too shy to chase anyone. Raj got a bike. But only because Sanj would never have thought to ask his parents for something so extravagant.

Their personalities play a role as did their roles in the family. Sanj, being the oldest was responsible and dependable. Raj, being the baby was catered to and let his needs and wants know.

I felt bad for my in-laws because maybe they weren't as comfortable with the obvious.

But that is how life is, isn't it?

I look at my own kids. Sammy and Tyler have no trouble listing 10 things at any given time they may want off the top of their head. If I ask Jordan or Max... whose birthdays are in a few days... they will say they don't know.

Jordan and Max are not the kind of kids that ask for things. They are content. It is frustrating because I know I have to think and listen so I can find clues as to what they may want.

So do Sammy and Tyler get stuff? Yes. More stuff? Probably. Does it mean that I love them more? No. It means that they are more demanding. It means that it is easy to buy for them.

It means they are brats. lol

In the same light.... I believe Sanj's folks are so proud of him. Education is very important to them. He gave them bragging rights. He gave them peace of mind. Because he always looked out for his little brother too. Raj has done fine for himself. But... they knew that Sanj would be there to take care of it all. This is something they are proud of .

Sure, Sanj would have liked something. But he never asked. So... where does this leave the argument?

The truth... the black and white is that Raj got more stuff. He got away with more. He was bolder in nature and therefore had the stuff (bikes, girlfriends etc) to show for it.

Sanj was conscientious. He never asked for things that he knew they couldn't have. He saved, earned and studied.

Yet as I watch this argument unfold over and over... my thoughts have changed over the years.

First, I agreed with Sanj. The favoritism is obvious. But as the years have gone by, as my understand of parenting increases... I see it through different eyes.

I understand how one child gets more "stuff" and how another may get more attention. I understand how all children are loved "equally" even though it may not seem so in actions.

I find myself looking for things to buy Max or Jordan because I want to bridge that gap. I make sure to seek Max (my non demanding child) to shower him with love and attention.

I also know that the day will come when one of my kids will claim that we were unfair. We did this or that wrong. And I am sure I will be there, arguing that I loved each of them equally.

Yet I know that the day will come when They will get it.

So, as I sat there last night, listening and watching my in-laws... I felt for them.

But what I felt was their love for both of their children.

I am pretty sure they love me more than my sister-in-law... if the truth be told.!

lol... Just kidding!

Failing Parenting 101

If I knew know what I do, would I have kids? Hum... not a good question to ask me tonight. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids with all my heart... with every part of me... I am not sure there is any even left. I want so much for them.

My biggest want is for them to be kind to each other. IS THAT ASKING TOO MUCH? Oh yah, they have their moments. But can those moments not be minutes, hours, days... a life time? Will that ever happen?

What an evening. I realize that is part of the drama from tonight. A ridiculously long evening for anyone to bare.

Pick up from School, Guitar lessons for Tyler and Jordan, Sammy is at a after school Volleyball game, go to his game, then take him to his hockey game... Sanj picks up the boys from guitar, coaches the hockey game, and is off to a board meeting right after the game. I stick around for the game to bring all the boys home and then do home work and bed.

I am frazzled. I am tired. So I know they are tired. But is this a right to be mean?

What am I doing wrong? I don't feel I am cut out for parenting... to be responsible for raising kind, loving, responsible men.

I don't want to mess this up. I just don't have the answers. Is there a parent hotline? Maybe that is children's aid services!

I am so grateful for my family. I love them so much. I am just tired of the constant bickering and issues that never go away.

I am failing parenting 101... maybe I need The Nanny!