Restless Night... Restless Day!

Right now I feel paralyzed.  I choose to stay at home to clean and get the laundry done... yet it is almost noon and I haven't got much done.  I really want to go out for lunch with a friend and just relax.

Last night I didn't sleep the greatest.  That is part of my problem.  The boys stayed up for the World Junior Hockey game... Canada lost in overtime.  It took they a bit to settle down and get to bed.

I have this fear that I am not loving my boys enough.  It is a weird feeling I get.  For example, Josh is in our bed more then he isn't.  I will move him to his bed and by midnight he is back.  Yet the same goes for Zach.  A lot of the time, I just allow them to fall asleep in our bed and then move them both.  It is just easier to get them to sleep quicker.

But I know that Zach feels Josh's overpowering personality invading his space.  He needs to feel the love of being the younger one too.  His brothers aren't as tolerant of him.   In all fairness, he is annoying to them... it is how he gets attention.

So last night, Zach woke up and watched the last 5 minutes of hockey.  Then he asked if he could sleep in our bed.  I moved Josh into the other room so that Zach could sleep with us and Sanj wouldn't complain about not having room.

Of course then Josh wakes up crying at 2 a.m. and is in our room again.

2 big bodies and 2 little bodies... didn't make for a restful sleep.

But then I see Zach's face this morning with a smile... "Good morning, Mom.  I love you."

It really was worth it.

OK... I know ... no  one in our bed.   I know that.... But...  sigh.

Then there is this blog.  I love writing.  But now that I am writing with more of a purpose, I feel worried about the content of the post.  What if it is dumb?  I hate worrying about what others think.  I spent too much of my life doing that.  So... I am just writing to write.  Sorry, but sometimes there isn't exciting to write about but I have to write.  It is just like I have to eat or breath.

I wish I had a place to go and write.  How cool would that be?   A little shack or even just a writing space.  Hum... the problem with that is that I would not get anything done... Like today!

OK... I am off to clean for real!

I Hate You... (but not really)...

I had a conversation with friends, while out to dinner.  It has left me unsettled.

It has to do with hate.

The defintion of hate is "intense animosity or dislike"  according to the FreeDictionary.com.

Do you really hate anyone?

Did you know that we are to love everyone, as God loved us?  Of course I know this, but wasn't really listening to the words.  LOVE EVERYONE!  Hard one!

There are some people that I dislike intensely.  Usually it is because they have hurt me... deeply or someone I love.  

Then  the conversation followed... you don't have to like them... but you do have to love them.

That has left me off balance.  Of course, as I really analyze my feelings toward them, I could fill in words like:  feel sorry for; ignorant; pity; 

Their actions have caused me to protect my heart.

Yet,  as I really have sought to find the answers to whether I really hate anyone... I had to remind myself that Jesus... loves them.

Jesus LOVES them!

Oye!  Annoying, isn't it?  But if I expect God to love me in spite of all my errors and shortcomings, then I must reciprocate to others that fall short in my life... mustn't I?

I know Jesus Loves Me.  I feel it as I live and breathe.  I know He must so often shake His head and sigh... as He watches me day in and day out mess up.

Yet, He just forgives me.  He keeps having faith in me.  He believes in ME!

So... it has come to me through the wiseness of my friends that I love everyone.

There will be no stringing up these annoying people and poking them with sharp objects!

(Ok.... this is an inside voice coming out... but when I was in high school and felt so alone... I would imagine stringing certain people up... and hurting them... so they understood how much they hurt me.  Guess this has followed me into the adult world...)

If I am loving them, then I must forgive them.  I know, I don't  have to like them.

But since I am going to love them... I better look for the good in them.

Love thy neighbour as thy self.

Oh, Fine!