Life On Other Planets...

Yup!  This is my first born snuggling with his mommy!  What a sweet moment!

It's the first morning of March Break... it is 6:05 a.m.  and I am awake.  What is wrong with this picture?  Sleeping is one of my favorite things to do and yet I am awake!

I love breaks from school.  I love hanging with the boys and relaxing.  It, of course comes with the bonus of loudness, fighting and teasing but I love the bits in there that remind me why I love being a mom.

We don't have big plans this break.  But all the little plans add up to a  nice break.  Today we  are going swimming at the Y and then having lunch at friends.  This evening we are going to celebrate Zachary's birthday (that was in January).  We are going to the new Lazer Tag place in town.  My boys are so excited, the big ones and the little ones!  We are just going with a couple of families and a couple of friends.  Then we will be going out to supper.

A bit of this and a bit of that and then it will be over.  I hope to finish a few books over the  break too.  Our yard needs a tidy up of all the things that were hiding in the snow.  It really does look like spring is here.  I can't believe it.  Usually there is always a dump of snow around now.

I feel like the boys are growing up too fast.  Yesterday while at school, a friend commented that Sammy was taller than me now.  What!  How did that happen?  Sammy was, of course, thrilled!  He said, "I feel taller!"  Cute!  He is a mix of sweet and sour still.  But how I love to be with him, if only to get bits of that sweetness a few times a day!  I love that kid!

I have warned him not to have kids, ever, though.  You know what they say, "Payback is a  Beep!"  I have a feeling the Good Lord is gonna bless him with a dozen moody girls!  lol  Actually, LOL... that would be so sweet!

I love watching the results of teaching for years.  I love getting to a door and the boys automatically hold it open, even Josh.  I love seeing the bits of gentlemen-ness in them come out.  Someday, some ladies are going to be so lucky.  I hope their parents are working hard on them too! :)

Sometimes I just stare at them.  I love looking at my boys knowing that somehow, through that incredible miracle, they are a bit of me.  I see myself in them.  It is a scary thing too, of course.  Sammy... is a  bit too much me.  That is why we fight and love so hard.  I love holding the boys hand, while they are in the front seat as I drive.  All of them oblige.  Sammy is too big to do so now.  Yesterday, I agreed to pick him up from school and take him to lunch.  I reached for his hand.  He scrunched up his nose..."No."  I said, "How about one minute?"  He gives me his wonderful Sammy smile/pout and said, "30 seconds."  It was the best 30 seconds of my day,  holding my little yet not so little anymore son's hand as he watched his clock and counted down.

Tyler, my big man with a bigger heart is growing up, being the teenager that he is.  Yet that heart of his is ready to apologize within minutes of being a turd.  I love that about him.  I love that he comes and lays down with me every morning.  He is such a wonderful boy.  I just love him!

Jordan... this child of mine is stuck right in the middle as is Max.  He is not a demanding child.  He loves drawing and playing his guitar.  He is a very thoughtful child.  He is always willing to do the errand no one else wants to.  He is also quite the gentleman. He is the one that gets out of the car and comes to help me put the groceries into the car.  I love this kid of mine.  He is his own person.

Ah, then there is my Max.  He isn't as quiet as he once was.  Nope.  I kinda miss having that quiet child. He is the child that has to say something to every situation whether it involves him or not.  He loves is addicted to the computer.  He loves hanging out at recess and being everyone's "bestie."  Max is growing up.  He is becoming a boy with his own thoughts and never ending opinions.  I love this kid!

Zach is my 8 year old with the desire to be 14.  He never lets being one of the youngest keep him from trying stuff.  He has a love for expensive clothes.  Where did he get this from??? (His Dad)!  He is not your typical kid that wants toys.  He wants clothes... preferably from Abercrombie.  He is so independent it is almost annoying.  He sets the bar so high that often his older brothers fall short!  Zach is one of my boys that I love watching live life.  He lives it to the fullest.  He is such a treat!  I love him to death!

Do I even need to go on about my Josh?  He is such a gift from God to me.  He loves me unconditionally.  Even when he gets mad at me and says, "I hate you"  (yes... the effects of having older siblings), he loves me as he is wanting to hate me! lol  I love this kid.  I love his love.  I am always hoping that I can love him back just as he needs.  He is a baby that never seems to grow up and yet he is a big boy in ways that are frightening!  Josh is my baby.  He will always be my baby.  I love him.  It's so simple.

This is why I love breaks.  I love being able to be with my boys.  I can't imagine it any other way.  They are like  creatures from another planet... one that is made up of boys and brothers.  It is a noisy space that is usually discombobulated, noisy, messy, noisy, physical and did I say noisy?  I am like the scientist that is allowed there... to observe, play referee, wipe soggy noses (that is what Josh calls it), try to teach new tricks, figure out what works and what doesn't.  I am one of the few people that is allowed in this place.

And yet, there are people that don't believe that there is life on other planets.  Hum... they haven't been to my "house."  I love the break that allows me to be keeper of the zoo full-time!

Happy March Break!

Restless Night... Restless Day!

Right now I feel paralyzed.  I choose to stay at home to clean and get the laundry done... yet it is almost noon and I haven't got much done.  I really want to go out for lunch with a friend and just relax.

Last night I didn't sleep the greatest.  That is part of my problem.  The boys stayed up for the World Junior Hockey game... Canada lost in overtime.  It took they a bit to settle down and get to bed.

I have this fear that I am not loving my boys enough.  It is a weird feeling I get.  For example, Josh is in our bed more then he isn't.  I will move him to his bed and by midnight he is back.  Yet the same goes for Zach.  A lot of the time, I just allow them to fall asleep in our bed and then move them both.  It is just easier to get them to sleep quicker.

But I know that Zach feels Josh's overpowering personality invading his space.  He needs to feel the love of being the younger one too.  His brothers aren't as tolerant of him.   In all fairness, he is annoying to them... it is how he gets attention.

So last night, Zach woke up and watched the last 5 minutes of hockey.  Then he asked if he could sleep in our bed.  I moved Josh into the other room so that Zach could sleep with us and Sanj wouldn't complain about not having room.

Of course then Josh wakes up crying at 2 a.m. and is in our room again.

2 big bodies and 2 little bodies... didn't make for a restful sleep.

But then I see Zach's face this morning with a smile... "Good morning, Mom.  I love you."

It really was worth it.

OK... I know ... no  one in our bed.   I know that.... But...  sigh.

Then there is this blog.  I love writing.  But now that I am writing with more of a purpose, I feel worried about the content of the post.  What if it is dumb?  I hate worrying about what others think.  I spent too much of my life doing that.  So... I am just writing to write.  Sorry, but sometimes there isn't exciting to write about but I have to write.  It is just like I have to eat or breath.

I wish I had a place to go and write.  How cool would that be?   A little shack or even just a writing space.  Hum... the problem with that is that I would not get anything done... Like today!

OK... I am off to clean for real!

My Response...

My girlfriend, Shelley's comment to my "P is for Poop" was "How do you do it?"

My answer is "I just do it." There are many times I don't KNOW how I do it... but I have to so I do. Here's the truth... I love babies. I think I was addicted to them. Babies are easy. Actually babies are really easy. I remember people saying... "It only gets harder..."

I would want to hit them. Harder... but yup. Harder. But in a different way.

Today the boys were all home. No one was listening to me. Everyone seem to be picking on someone. Then I heard Sammy say to Zach, "You know "Billy" doesn't really like you."

This made me so mad. I hate meanness. I can handle the constant fighting, wrestling and dialogue about weird things like Poop. But I can not handle meanness.

Then I think, "I am so not cut out for this." What was I thinking? What made me think I could ever handle 6 boys much less be responsible for moulding them into fine young man.

(As I type, Sammy and Tyler are beating each other up. Something about breaking a deal...)

If I could have had a peek into my future... I would have had 2 kids. PERIOD. Or else, I am sure I would have gone screaming and running. ... if I had peeked into my future.

Really, life with my 6 boys is not easy. They are busy. That word doesn't even begin to define them.

They are assiduous, diligent, engaged, engrossed, bustling, energetic, fussy, hectic, restless, tireless, tiring, curious,inquisitive, aggressive, alert, animated, alive, dashing, bold, enthusiastic, fresh, perky, forceful, purposeful, sharp, determined, intrusive, snoopy, sloppy...

Of course I could go on. But ... yup... here is the but... if I had to pick one word to describe my sons... wow... the word that comes to mind is Gift. They are my gift from God. They are gifts that I can open every day and find something new. I may not always like the new I discover but it is never boring. My gifts, every day are always a surprise. And I get 6 gifts every single day.

And truth be told, yes, I love getting away. But then, after a day, usually 2... I am ready to get my gifts again.

Gifts can disappoint. Ever opened a present... and then had to scramble to fix your face... it was not what you thought? That happens alot. I look at one of my precious gifts, and then they open their mouth, and talk back or say something ugly. I am so disappointed. You can be sure I wish I could put it back into a box and mark.. "Return to sender." But apparently God said, "No trade backs."

Yet... there is another part to this... there is the side to each one that leaves me breathless with the ache of loving them so much. You know that ache? Sometimes I feel it when they are asleep beside me and their breathe is so sweet or with some... funky. Sometimes I feel it when we are in the car and they reach over and grab my hand. Sometimes I feel that ache when I watch them play. It is that ache that makes me keep trying to be the best I can be. It is that ache that begs my heavenly Father forgiveness for being a sucky mom today and begging Him to be the perfect mom tomorrow.

That ache that keeps me going. It is after a day like I had today... and they are asleep that I feel relief that I made it without hurting anyone. And yet, I have this anticipation that tomorrow will be better.

No, if I knew how crazy my life would be before I had or knew my children... I would be momma of 2 quiet, perfect children. But God obviously knew this. So... He gave me the love of babies... He gave me that spirit of not giving up... "I am sure the next one will be a girl..." until I had this crazy and yet amazing family of 6 boys. I am thinking and praying He knew that this was what I was meant to be... mom of 6 boys.

He knew that this way, I would have to turn to Him... every day, actually every hour. He knows that beginning and the end. I am OK with being mom to my six wonderful, yet drive me crazy boys because I know God has my back.

How do I do it? Sometimes moment by moment. Then when the house I still... I exhale. And count my blessings... all seven of them!

God, I am going to admit... boys are so weird. They are so loud, busy and different. Thank you for my gifts... all 6 beautiful gifts. Thank you for nighttime. Thank you for school. Thank you for hockey. Thank you for all that keeps them busy and happy. Thank you for my gifts.

P in Poop!

I start this off with an audible sigh!

The day has been busy. 2:30 p.m. and we are off to pick up Sammy. We grab a snack to waste minutes till 4 p.m. when the older ones are dropped off at guitar. Tyler is down with the fever now. So he is skipping guitar and we are going to puttering around town till 5 p.m.

I went to Chapters... one of my favourite places... I love it there! It is minutes to 5 p.m. I have survived. We wait outside for Sammy and Jordan. It is 5:05 p.m. I realize that he is giving the boys an extra long lesson since Tyler is not there.

My head is pounding. The DVD in the van has quit working (for reasons only God knows). Josh has found Jordan's recorder. He is playing a happy tune. Only it is not making me happy. NOISE!!! Make it stop!

It's pizza for supper. I know, again. I really can't care about that now. My head is pounding. There is NOISE everywhere. I really hope that I don't have an aneurism.

Max is writing "poop" on the window that is fogging from all the talk.

Max ... "There is P(ee) in Poop."

Hysterical laughing. You know the kind, shoulders are shaking, tears are coming and Max is so impressed with himself.

Sammy... "Max, you should go as yourself for halloween!"

Max... "Yah, I know, I should."

I am smiling. They are so unique. Boys... the things that they laugh about.

It is 6:19 p.m. I won't lie. I am counting down. 7 p.m. and then they start to drop.

Then I am off to take Sammy to his 8:30 p.m. hockey practice.

Still wondering how I will manage Grey's tonight. I need my fix.

The Epiphany... resolved

As I was laying in bed last night... I realized that perhaps it isn't about forgiveness. Perhaps it is simply about acceptance.
Acceptance of my mom for who she is... the good, bad and ugly. So she wasn't the mom I needed her to be... so save me from the big bad wolf... but she did the best she could, I suppose. I mean, most parents will do their best.

So, suddenly it isn't about being let down and needing to forgive... That brings up a bigger issue... if you read the comments on forgiveness. But rather, acceptance. I have to simply (or not so simply) accept my mom for all she is or isn't.

I feel lighter... a little bit more free. Only she has to live with her life. I have to live with some of the consequences of that life chosen but then I get to move from that point to claim or live out my own destiny.

Does this make sense?