Not Qualified!

I am feeling really sad right now.  In the 2 hours in which I picked up my oldest, I feel I have aged 10 years.  I feel wrinkles and a tumor coming on.


I went on my Facebook page and there were these moms writing about the gratitude of their children and how wonderful they are.  I am not feeling this.

Food is a constant factor.  From the moment I pick Sammy up, he is hungry.  Fine, I get that.  What he fails to mention is that he wants a 2 Cheeseburger Combo from McD EVERY DAY.  Another other snack, he turns down.  Then the attitude begins.

Today it was ugly.  Ugly words were said.  I said some back.  I am so angry.  I do not like this child of mine.  How could such a selfish being come from me?  I am hurt.  I am so tired of his view that sees only how things are not about him.  He never seems to see the zillion and one things that we do or buy or provide for him.


My oldest and my youngest are 100% certified spoiled brats.  I am obviously so not cut out to do this job.
Where can I turn in my resignation?


Sometime in the couple of weeks, I saw a mom I knew years ago.  She had twins and a couple of kids.  Apparently she decided one day that she did not want to be a mom.  She left.  Wow... was that an option?
Sometimes, like today, I wonder if they would not be better without me?


I suck at parenting.  I am so reactionary.  I REACT immediately.  I am so emotional.  If I could count to 10 before I react... it may be more effective.  I usually say something, yes, that I mean at that moment, and then the situation explodes.


Sammy got food into him and then calmed down.  I said something and he responds, "I am trying to be nice now."


What he doesn't understand is that while the pasta  defused his raging teen hormones, I am still fuming.  I am hurt.  I am not quite as quick about pulling my emotions together.


Who is this child?  Where is that boy that I knew?  Unfortunately for me, Sammy has always been an emotional roller-coaster.


Maybe I need counseling.  Maybe there is a pill that I can pop.  Maybe there is the option of just running away.  Maybe I need to just quit being mom!


Being a mom was something I always felt I was cut out to be.  It is so disheartening to find that it is not in my qualifications.


Maybe I should give knitting another go...   I am so discouraged today.  In the midst of other people being delighted about the kids God has blessed them with, how can I voice my truth?


What is the truth?  I am qualified to raise amazing spoiled brats.


In case you doubt it, I do love them.  Don't they say there is a fine line between love....


Father, God, Jesus....  Please help me.  Help me help them. Please.

The Baby Syndrome

I am in Sanj's office... did a bit of work, trying to ignore the craziness that happens when he is not here.  I was sitting at lunch with a friend and had the realization that my babes are growing up.  (Insert here a panic attack).

Tyler is finishing his last year at Rhema and then off to the big world of high school.  How will be sweet child do?  Fine, of course.  Yet there will be all the moments of unknowns that he will have to get through.  His class has really come together and seems to be enjoying each other very much.  While I wouldn't say he has a very close buddy, he does have a lot of good friends.  I enjoyed watching Sammy and Tyler sitting side by side going over the class schedule.  Again, it is those moments... you know?

Jordan is off with his class to a winter campsight.  Each of my boys have really enjoyed this trip.  They do lots of winter activities and this allows them to bond as a class.  Next year, Jordan will be in grade 7.  (Insert panic here).  Somehow while they are in grade 5 and under it seems to be all under control.  Yet then after that it seems to go by real fast.

Max... he still seems like a younger one, yet when I watched him fight it out on the ice for the puck or defend his team's net, he didn't seem so little anymore.  He has a speech to do in the coming weeks.  His topic is about "Have you ever been left behind?"  Poor baby!  He knows about this topic a little too well!  I suppose it is a good thing he can  laugh at it. 

Zachary.. this sweet child gets so tired of being called everyone else's name except his own.  He is the kind of kid that does not miss a beat.  Sanj was looking for his keys.  Zach said, "Look in your coat pocket."  Sanj... "Where's my coat?"  Zach..."On the hand chair in the hall."

Sure enough, it was there.  We laughed.  "Zach, how did  you know?"
Zach just replied, "I saw him put it in there.
 
The next day, we were getting into the car and I reminded the boys that they had guitar.
"Where's my book, mom, do you know?" asked Jordan.
"In Daddy's office." I replied.
"Where in Daddy's office," Jordan asked.
I was about to get annoyed and give him a sarcastic answer when Zachary answers without missing a beat... "It's on his bookshelf."

We started laughing.  He just is that observant, I suppose.  He is constantly struggling with being big and yet being little.  It is a battle he deals with minute by minute.

Then there is Josh... (insert a sigh and  hopeless eye rolling).  He is four and a half.  He is finally at that point where he is officially a spoiled brat.

I suppose it comes with the territory of being the youngest.  He is so full of confidence.  He is full of life being all about him.  He KNOWS that life is about him. 

I am not sure what to do with this.  I keep pointing out to the boys that you can't just give in to his whining ... because he has learned that if he cries then Sammy will give him his cell phone.
If he teases Tyler enough, that Tyler will let him watch his show.  If you bugs Jordan enough, then he will give him his toys.  If he hangs on to Max, that Max will finally give up the computer and let him do his games.

Josh knows that Mommy and Daddy are tired and don't have the energy to fight the tantrum and so he gets his way.

Sad.  As I watched Josh work his magic... I realized that he is good!  We have been taken.  I have been suckered!

How do I stop it?  Can it be stopped?  My youngest brother got away with SO MUCH then I would ever have thought to.

The youngest... Is that a syndrome?  Yikes!

I have never had a youngest because there was always a baby on the way.   That is over. I have a child that is the youngest of our tribe.  He is a hard one.  How did I get taken?

Wait, if you want to see taken... you have to just watch Josh with Sanj.  Oh Boy!  Talk about sucker!!!  Boy that boy can see his daddy anything!  I watch Josh convince Sanj that he needed candy for breakfast! lol  Yup!  He is that good!

This takes me back to my panic attack... my boys are growing up.  I feel like I just figured out a stage and then bam!  They are off to another one that I am not familiar with.  You'd think that as Sammy hits the stage, I'd be prepared for Tyler as he takes off where Sammy leaves.  Yet they are so different!  It is as if I am starting from scratch.  Tyler has a totally new take on it.

I miss them all in diapers, dumping out toy bins and spitting up.

Most people say, "that went fast."  I wouldn't say it went fast but it was good.

Now the new part of teenagers, girls, moods, eating, sleeping, girls, moods, eating, sleeping, girls, moods, eating,  sleeping, girls, moods, eating, sleeping, girls, moods, eating, sleeping.

I take comfort in believing that God would not put on my shoulders things that I could not handle.  I have lived through hard and harder of times.  So He has faith that I can survive and raise beautiful boys.  6 of them!