It's Uncle Kumar, Again!

My brother is five years younger than me.

Growing up, since my mom was often at work, putting food on the table, doing the job of 2 adults, I mothered my brother.

As we grew up, we continued to be connected.  We haven't lived together since I was17 years old and went off to univerity.  We spent some of the summers together but eventually we have lived many miles apart.

Both of us have spouses, children and busy lives.  Yet we talk often.

When my brother was doing Josh's dedication at church, he made a passing comment about talking to me everyday...  Sanj looked over at me and said, "Really, every day?"

OK, not everyday...but often.  We probably talk every other day.

Yesterday, the phone rang.  The boys looked at it and said, "It's Uncle Kumar, again..."

This morning as we were rushing out of the house, the phone rings.  "Don't answer it... and get in the car..." I yell.  (I picked up and told my brother that I'd call him on the cell, knowing he is alone with the kids...)

"What do you guys talk about?" the boys asked.

I told them that someday, they would likely talk to their brothers...

They don't get it.  They think that we should live closer.

Here's the thing... my brother is five years younger.  So I listen.  Usually, the conversation on my side is like this... "aha, aha, really?  No, aha... "  I will hang up and Sanj will say, "Who was that? Kumar?"

This morning's conversation was about his daughter... he was telling me about something that happen at her school... he says, not to be bias or anything but she (his daughter) is the prettiest girl there.  She dresses well and is smart and of course people are drawn to her."

I smile... of course he can't see that.  I agree with him.  I listen.

Did I mention I am 5 years older?  So I know now that every  (well, most) parents feels this way about their kid.  I remember Sammy being the most handsome child I have ever seen!  I actually still think that next to his brothers, Josh is the most handsomest boy in Peterborough!  He really should go into modelling!

I think that is the gift that God gave parents.. to see the best there is to see in their child, even when no one else can see it.  I love that my brother is so in love with his child.  It just means he is doing it right.

Then the conversation went to this dessert he made for the kids.  He told me that he wanted to make a special dessert that the kids would associate to him... you know, Daddy's special dessert.

On Face book he said he  "is sad my kids didn't like my secret dessert recipe, "pinky dinky pie." It has always been my favorite growing up.

My immediate response was pinkie dinkie pie?  His version of memories are always more animated  and colorful than mine.

He then tells the story of how he made the pie... jello, whipped cream  combined and dumped into  a graham cracker crust...  his kids made the youngest eat it and said Yuck.

These are the kind of things we talk about... our days, how his book is coming along... my dream of writing a book, who talked to our mom, the lastest thing my dad did or didn't do, just the kind of thing you would talk to a girlfriend.

Sometimes the person that understands me well is someone that lived with me... he gets it. He was there.   He understands the appreciation for wanting his children to have a favorite daddy dessert or meal... it's about the relationship that he is building with his kids and it is about the relationships that we didn't have.

As I watch my boys chatter about mommy and Uncle Kumar talking again... I am glad that they have that model happening in front of them... that family is important.  It doesn't matter how far apart we are... it is about the relationship. 

It is about a special gift when siblings, family grow from all that they share... genetics... to making it grow into friendship.  Of course we get on each other's nerves.  We are very different as we are alike.

I hope that someday, my boys will have children that wonder why they talk to their brother so much.

I hope that the bond of brotherhood is a gift of a lifetime for each of my boys.

Equality

My in-laws were over last night. We celebrated my brother-in-law's birthday late.

There was food, cake and cousins. It made for a nice night.

Then it started. The argument of all arguments. It is the argument that seems to have no beginning or end. It is about equality. My in-laws insist that they were fair in their love with both their boys.

Sanj feels otherwise. lol His brother, Raj, is a persistent sort. Once he gets something in his head, it is hard to get it out. There was the time when Raj wanted a motorcycle. He bugged his parents to death for this bike. They gave in.

Then there is the story of the 10 speed. Apparently Sanj worked his butt off to earn a 10 speed bike. He bought this used one and painted and fixed it up. Sanj's version is that his parents then went out and bought Raj one. And it was a new 10 speed. His parents argue that is wasn't new.

Then they explained that Sanj was the responsible one. So they gave him a credit card when he went off to school. (Apparently Sanj only used it for gas). They spent their money on his education.

This is the age old argument that comes up. Then without fail, they leave by saying, "Well never mind, Son, we love you very much and equally."

I actually felt bad for my in-laws last night. They want so badly for their kids to know that they loved them. Equally. Yet since the reality is that there was inequality there, this argument seems to be an endless one.

What do I mean by equality? Well, Raj is a demanding personality. He is the one that got the girls, but only because he went after them. Sanj was too shy to chase anyone. Raj got a bike. But only because Sanj would never have thought to ask his parents for something so extravagant.

Their personalities play a role as did their roles in the family. Sanj, being the oldest was responsible and dependable. Raj, being the baby was catered to and let his needs and wants know.

I felt bad for my in-laws because maybe they weren't as comfortable with the obvious.

But that is how life is, isn't it?

I look at my own kids. Sammy and Tyler have no trouble listing 10 things at any given time they may want off the top of their head. If I ask Jordan or Max... whose birthdays are in a few days... they will say they don't know.

Jordan and Max are not the kind of kids that ask for things. They are content. It is frustrating because I know I have to think and listen so I can find clues as to what they may want.

So do Sammy and Tyler get stuff? Yes. More stuff? Probably. Does it mean that I love them more? No. It means that they are more demanding. It means that it is easy to buy for them.

It means they are brats. lol

In the same light.... I believe Sanj's folks are so proud of him. Education is very important to them. He gave them bragging rights. He gave them peace of mind. Because he always looked out for his little brother too. Raj has done fine for himself. But... they knew that Sanj would be there to take care of it all. This is something they are proud of .

Sure, Sanj would have liked something. But he never asked. So... where does this leave the argument?

The truth... the black and white is that Raj got more stuff. He got away with more. He was bolder in nature and therefore had the stuff (bikes, girlfriends etc) to show for it.

Sanj was conscientious. He never asked for things that he knew they couldn't have. He saved, earned and studied.

Yet as I watch this argument unfold over and over... my thoughts have changed over the years.

First, I agreed with Sanj. The favoritism is obvious. But as the years have gone by, as my understand of parenting increases... I see it through different eyes.

I understand how one child gets more "stuff" and how another may get more attention. I understand how all children are loved "equally" even though it may not seem so in actions.

I find myself looking for things to buy Max or Jordan because I want to bridge that gap. I make sure to seek Max (my non demanding child) to shower him with love and attention.

I also know that the day will come when one of my kids will claim that we were unfair. We did this or that wrong. And I am sure I will be there, arguing that I loved each of them equally.

Yet I know that the day will come when They will get it.

So, as I sat there last night, listening and watching my in-laws... I felt for them.

But what I felt was their love for both of their children.

I am pretty sure they love me more than my sister-in-law... if the truth be told.!

lol... Just kidding!