Not Qualified!

I am feeling really sad right now.  In the 2 hours in which I picked up my oldest, I feel I have aged 10 years.  I feel wrinkles and a tumor coming on.


I went on my Facebook page and there were these moms writing about the gratitude of their children and how wonderful they are.  I am not feeling this.

Food is a constant factor.  From the moment I pick Sammy up, he is hungry.  Fine, I get that.  What he fails to mention is that he wants a 2 Cheeseburger Combo from McD EVERY DAY.  Another other snack, he turns down.  Then the attitude begins.

Today it was ugly.  Ugly words were said.  I said some back.  I am so angry.  I do not like this child of mine.  How could such a selfish being come from me?  I am hurt.  I am so tired of his view that sees only how things are not about him.  He never seems to see the zillion and one things that we do or buy or provide for him.


My oldest and my youngest are 100% certified spoiled brats.  I am obviously so not cut out to do this job.
Where can I turn in my resignation?


Sometime in the couple of weeks, I saw a mom I knew years ago.  She had twins and a couple of kids.  Apparently she decided one day that she did not want to be a mom.  She left.  Wow... was that an option?
Sometimes, like today, I wonder if they would not be better without me?


I suck at parenting.  I am so reactionary.  I REACT immediately.  I am so emotional.  If I could count to 10 before I react... it may be more effective.  I usually say something, yes, that I mean at that moment, and then the situation explodes.


Sammy got food into him and then calmed down.  I said something and he responds, "I am trying to be nice now."


What he doesn't understand is that while the pasta  defused his raging teen hormones, I am still fuming.  I am hurt.  I am not quite as quick about pulling my emotions together.


Who is this child?  Where is that boy that I knew?  Unfortunately for me, Sammy has always been an emotional roller-coaster.


Maybe I need counseling.  Maybe there is a pill that I can pop.  Maybe there is the option of just running away.  Maybe I need to just quit being mom!


Being a mom was something I always felt I was cut out to be.  It is so disheartening to find that it is not in my qualifications.


Maybe I should give knitting another go...   I am so discouraged today.  In the midst of other people being delighted about the kids God has blessed them with, how can I voice my truth?


What is the truth?  I am qualified to raise amazing spoiled brats.


In case you doubt it, I do love them.  Don't they say there is a fine line between love....


Father, God, Jesus....  Please help me.  Help me help them. Please.

Teenage Torment

I have missed writing. Life has been busy. Today I had to take Tyler to the orthodontist for 10 a.m. I decided to take him out for breakfast after dropping the others off.

Moody. Wow. Here's the thing, I wanted to have my boys close together. I had this fantasy that this would allow them the chance to be friends as well as siblings. I am not sure what I was smoking.

What has been the outcome of that is I have a 14 year old... with 95% attitude. I have a 13 year old with 75% attitude. I have a 12 year old with 50% attitude.

Hello... where did I go wrong? What was I thinking? Don't get me wrong... they have their moments of wonderfulness but really is moments all I get for the next few years?

Sanj said last night... "wake me up when it is over..." lol

So I am not sure on what the point was. Sure they can be friends... there are those moments.

But Tyler ... I so expected him to be easier. Maybe he is easier. I am just scarred. He is an intense child. He is my child that latches on to something and I am doomed.

First there was the obsession with tools. That lasted about 2 years. Then it was all about triceratops. You know the 3 horned dinosaur. That lasted for a few years. Then there was elephants. That was followed by the Crocodile Hunter and a love for reptiles especially crocs.

I am exhausted just remembering. The older he gets the more expensive his obsessions become. Clothing, golf clubs and so forth.

He is now into his friends. It is exhausting. If he is not with them, then he is online texting, emailing or Face-booking them.

He is loyal. He is dedicated to things he loves. Sanj and I were saying he will make a good husband someday far away.

I miss my sweet Ty-ty. I am not sure who this moody broody boy is that keeps surfacing.

So as much as I loved having a baby factory going back in the day... I didn't think of the hormone hazards that would be coming my way too.

Thankfully I have my lovelies still... my Maxwell, Zachary and Mama loving Josh!