Proud To Be A Canadian!

I am a Canadian, a proud one at that!  We are a country that has shone!  How wonderful to see the country's GLOWING HEARTS!  It was a perfect end ... bringing home the GOLD!  I was mesmerized to watch my family  sit/stand with bated breath.

There are so few moments where one can feel true joy... when that puck went into the net in overtime... the look on my men was beautiful!  It is such a part of their dream.  They will always remember where they were when Canada brought GOLD home.

The Olympics was a great thing for us.  It made us stand up and be proud of who we are...  we are a polite, quieter, friendly kind of people.  We say we are sorry when we are wrong.  We can laugh at our selves when we make a mistake.   We are proud of all that makes us Canadian.
It was a good day.  It is a great day to be Canadian.

What's Wrong?

Here's the thing... I am suffering from PMS.  It is not a pretty thing.  When I get to heaven, I really do have some questions to ask God.  For example... Eve ate the apple... I get that ... how come ALL of us have to suffer?  Couldn't the _itchy ones that are horrible people, moms that smoke or drink when pregnant or abandon their babes have PMS?  Could men not have it at least one a year?


Since I was a teen, every single month (minus 6x9 months) have I had misery.  It hurts.  A lot.  I feel like someone has taken a thousand knives and keeps twisting them in my belly.  If I am really lucky, I get reminded of back labour  that I had the privilege of having 6 times.  That feelings like bits of broken glass that has been pressed into my back and someone keeps walking on it.  Once in university, I passed out in the bathroom of the grocery store from the pain of the cramps.  911 was called.  It still stays on as one of my most humiliating experiences... cramps... people... I just had cramps!


For me, day 2-3 are the worst.  Yes, I have tried many a thing.   Right now, nothing is working.
The fact is that I tell Sanj it's that time.  He acknowledges and then I see him tuning me out.  He doesn't want to know anymore.  All he knows is he is out of luck for the next week.  I know he is not listening about my cramps from hell.  He is not listening to that fact that I am miserable.  He just looks uncomfortable.  You would think after 15 years of marriage...   126 times of the me he loves and knows being taken over by the ugly thing... he would know.


He knows it is that time.  I went into his office this morning, really suffering, needing bed and drugs.  I looked pretty bad, I am sure.  If I could be pale, I was.  He looks at me... and says, "What's wrong?"


Seriously?  WHAT IS WRONG????  That question makes me so  #@!% mad!!! What the  @#$% do you think is wrong?  He asks this of me every month!  EVERY MONTH!!!


The man is working on his Doctorate!  He has an IQ of a genius! Yet every month I get, "What is wrong?"


Seriously?


Sanj grew up with no sisters.  I am not sure if he will learn that there is a certain time of the month that you don't ask what is wrong!  You don't ask, "Is it that time?"  Keep a calender.  Be intuitive.  Understand that any kind of touching... ANY KIND is not really welcomed or wanted.  Well... a kosher back rub is probably o.k.  Also understand it is not personal.  In a few days, you will be loved again.  Chocolate... is the best medicine.  Carbs are needed.  The moods... the anger and annoyance... it can't be helped.  It is a demon that takes over and there is no action that works except riding out the ride.


I don't hide the fact that it is that time from my boys.  They all know!  They all know not to touch me or jump on me.  They all know that cramps are not fun.  I keep asking them... "Do you know what cramps are?"  They quickly respond, "Yes... " and run.  My boys have no sisters.  So I want to make sure they understand that there is a time in women's lives that we have to pay for eating that ^%$ fruit.  If we are going to pay... they are going to pay.

Come Soon.... Please!

I had a friend over today for lunch.  It was so lovely.  As we talked about the pains of people in our community, we were talking about Heaven.  Maybe I am getting old but life ... it is so full of stuff.  There is so much hurting, sickness and pain.  There is so much in lives that are empty and many don't have a clue of how to fill that void.

When I feel like that, I go to food.  It feels so good for the moment and then I want to hit myself over the head.  Lately, as the boys were struggling with the stomach flu, I couldn't help but think... how bad would it be to vomit after eating?  Surely I wouldn't be one of those people that couldn't stop...  just enough to lose some of the weight and then I would stop.  Where do these thoughts come from?

In one of my boys classes there was the issue of cutting one's self.  It became a cool thing to do when one was upset.  I don't think many did it as much as talked about it... but when was that the answer and where did these thoughts come from?

There is drinking... it does what?  Relaxes and takes the edge off?  This is not appealing to meal, as I don't like the taste of alcohol but I get the whole idea of looking for a way to take the edge off.

I don't know what the answer is as each passing year, life becomes more crazy and pressure filled for many.  I see sadness and true despair in beings that don't even know how to help themselves anymore.  How do you show someone that they are beautiful and full of worth?  How do you show someone that they are not a loser?  How do you get someone to stop calling themselves that?

I get it.  I was there.  I have been through the journey from loserville to believing that I am awesome (most of the time), that I am a prized child of God.  I believe that it is all about me... that God in His awesomeness handles all the stresses and strife in the world... yet... He is all about me, too. I believe He is caring about finding me a parking spot when I need it, He is about answering my weather prayers, my prayers about mistakes that I made and now need His help bailing me out.... He is all about me!

I love Him so much.  I have a small minded faith.  I love God!  He loves me!  How do you help someone find confidence in their self?  How do you help someone see that GOD MAKES ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL!  It is imperfect when we see it thorough our eyes.  I can only imagine His frustration when we bring down His creation... when we bring down ourselves.

Today... I am saying a prayer... it is for you... yes, you, my friend, that you stop judging your self-worth through eyes of sinful souls.  You are beautifully and wonderfully made.  Imagine how much God must cherish you, His creation!

Today ... I am saying a prayer for you, my friend x 3... that each of you find your job and fulfillment that you seek.  Lord, please lead my friend on their journey.

Today.... I pray for you... hurting, scared, tired and confused.
You are not alone.

Jesus, please come soon.  Please be with my friends as they are seeking and searching.  Hold their hand. Let them feel Your mighty presence.

I love you!
Amen

Fear Factor!

Fear!  I am such a chicken, I realized.  I know, everyone is scared of stuff... it is normal. Yet, I am scared of much more than the average person.   Of course this probably goes hand in hand that I am far from average! lol

Yesterday was ski day at the boys school.  It is such a great day.  Sanj took the day off, Sammy came with us and I picked up Josh and Zach at noon to take them too.  Everybody skis.  Yes, even Josh.  After 2 days of being out, with lessons, my boy was skiing down the hill like a crazy man.  I was so proud of him.  He was so proud of himself too.  Zach is a little pro.  He even went down Black Diamond with Sanj and the boys ... no  fear.

I have to admit, I really want to ski.  I love being the chalet too.  The  boys always know where to find me for snacks or what nots.  I like having the time to read and hang out.  Yet, if I am truthful.... I would love to zip down the hill.  It looks so easy!

I tried it... a few years ago.  I took a lesson.  That was part of the probably, I had a older dude and he did not make me feel comfortable.  I felt like he was annoyed to have to deal with me the whole time.  Then there was the ski lift.  Who thought of that?  Really!  Here is my real issue.. I am so scared to get off the lift and ski off.  It looks easy yet there is that huge chance that I may fall and they would have to stop the lift... and all of a sudden I am back in high school praying that the football doesn't come my way or that my bat makes contact with the darn ball.

I am a chicken.  I have overcome a lot.  Yet as I contemplate all the things I have fears of ... it is a long list of things:
-dark bottomless waters
-the dark
-being alone, especially at night
-heights
-mice, rats and rodents
-the boogie man
-some people actually scare me... being in there presence
-skiing and skating
-failing
-getting pregnant (I am not joking)
-cancer
-I could continue but why bother, you get the point... I am a chicken.

I look at my boys and think that they don't have fear of little things.  They can sleep in a totally dark room, closet open and feet exposed and be totally content.

I wondered how much of it is that fact that fear was part of my world since I was born.  My dad raised his hand on my when I was only a year old.  I learned to fear him more and more with each year that passed.  Life was not safe.  I realize that it sticks with you.  There are many things I fear simply because I never trust 100% that it is every OK.

Yet... I don't want to not live.  So... I have to trust that Sanj will never hit me.  I have to trust that he will never cheat on me.  I have to trust that we will always love and cherish each other.  I have to believe.  I have to trust.  Life would not be much if I did not chose to trust.

I trust that  the boogie man stays away. I trust that if I had to jump into dark waters that the sharks will not be attracted to me.  I trust that if I got cancer or pregnant that God will give me that strength to deal with it all.

So... as I work to overcoming fears and things that cause me to need a puffer... (a joke)... I think I am going to add a ski lesson to my list.  Yup... I blogged it.  I am going to do it.  Oh Father... please help me and let me not break anything.

Josh apparently told Sanj yesterday that he wanted to ski with mommy.  Grrr... that child!
Speaking of Josh... he said to me, "Mommy, how come I never dream about you?  I want to dream about you."  He left me speechless and breathless.  A child's love... what a beautiful thing.

Wanted: A Girlfriend....

Have you missed me?  I have missed writing so much.  Our internet is down and having issues that don't seem to be solved overnight.  Annoying!  So for the past days, I have been talking to myself a lot.  I decided to come to the office with the pretense of working yet writing instead.  Guess it is one of the perks of snoozing with the boss.  :)

I had an epiphany of sorts a few days ago.  Have you ever "loved" someone and they didn't love you back?  They said they would yet they really didn't?  Their actions spoke volumes that argued against their words?  I had a boyfriend whom I 'loved.'  (I loved him but it was baby love... yet at the time it was all I knew).  When we graduated from university and were to got our seperate ways, we made promises to make it work... despite the fact that we knew that long distance was hard.  I believed in us.  I was ready to do the work.  He wasn't.  Shortly afterwards, we broke up.  Well... he gave up.

We all have the heartbreak stories.  Yes, I know.  I did get over it... obviously and God soon showed me that He had better and bigger plans for me... Sanj.  What a great plan. 

Yet, for a long time, what hurt was why did the boyfriend give up on us?  Was I not worth it?  It isn't about letting go after a break up but for me it was about needing an answer ... just tell me... how come you didn't want to make the effort... especially if you loved me?

OK... I never got the answer. Many of us don't.  Some are lucky to have that kind of closure.
Where is this going?  Here's the thing... I feel like I just went through a break up again... with a girlfriend.
Oh sure, we are still "friends."  Yet it is different.  Something happened.  Something changed.

We hit it off so well.  We chatted everyday for the longest time.  We hung out, we played and we connected.
Then something changed.  Along came a new friend.  I keep asking and wondering... what is different?  Well maybe  I know.  Maybe we don't agree about all the same kinds of people. Yet, that shouldn't matter, should it?  We can be friends with others too, yet we still can be us.

Apparently it not.  I feel like I have gone through a break up.  I feel like I am seeking answers and yet there are none.  As I watch them hang out, I feel sad.  I feel like I have been dumped.  I feel so hurt.

Maybe again, it is a season.  This friendship was  season.  Yet I see them together and find that it hurts.  I find that I am not sure I can do this anymore.  Maybe what I am seeking doesn't really exsist.  Maybe loneliness is just a fact of life. 

I really thought that if I kept seeking that I would someday find that girlfriend connection.  A real connection.  Don't get me wrong... I have friends.... that I love and cherish.  Yes and you know if you are one of them.  So don't start second guessing our friendship.

I guess I just miss having, for lack of a better word, a best friend here.  I have it with some of my friends that are in other states.  Why is it so hard to find that now?

I am always with people because I love and need that.  Yet,  I am seeking a friendship that has true depth.  I am seeking a friend that is willing to let it all hang out and be real and intimate.  I am seeking a friendship that initiates just as much, that wants me as much, someone that isn't going to ditch me.

Maybe I should place a want ad.  Maybe I just have too high an expectation.  Maybe this is life... and I have a lot to be grateful for... a family that I love, a fabulous hubby, crazy kids that make my world... and friends... lots of friends.  Maybe I am just being greedy...  yeah... maybe.

Hockey, Skiing, Olympics!

Today I spent part of the day at the ski hill with some of the boys.  They had a great time!  Sammy was suppose to spend the day there with some friends, who didn't show up.  (That did not impress me very much either)!  So Sammy called to see if any of his brothers want to go with him.  Zach, who loves any time with Sammy, of course jumped at the chance.

I figured I may as well stick Josh in a lesson and stop Sanj from nagging me to do so.  Josh loved it!  The hour lesson was nothing for him.  I was sure he would be tired and stressed.  Nope!  Sammy took him up once and swore never again...  Josh just wanted to go again.  I stuck him in another hour lesson.  There went my wad of cash.  Not a cheap sport!

As I picked him up at the end of his lesson, he wanted to know if he could go every day?  I thought, "Hum, this is maybe how Shaun White started!"  (Did I mention that the boy does not stop talking)?

All in a day.  They are tired and tuckered.  They are eagerly awaiting the Team Canada vs Team Us hockey game.  Oh, the stress of it!

A new week!  Snow is in there forecast... hopefully it will make the place nice and white and take away the dirty look.  Nothing like the East Coast has though!

Sanj was cooped up in his office all afternoon after hockey.  Ugh.  Tests and class stuff.  I did not see him all day.  Mid April is the light at the end of the tunnel.  It is the end of his degree and the end of the hockey season!  Yah!

Yes, I know, then there is summer hockey and golf, and soccer.  I am good with that though.  It will be warm, sunny and nice!

I took Max to his game on Friday night.  I took a book and had hopes of reading, watching and resting.  I was still feeling under the weather.  Nope, his team is full of very friendly talkative folks.  They love their hockey.  They are forever in tournaments in little towns with a rink and nothing else.  They seemed appalled that I just realized we were in the play offs.  Oop, sorry folks.

Ah... it is all good.  Now to make it a perfect weekend...

 Let's GO TEAM CANADA!!!

A Question...

From one of my readers:

"... I agree with many things that you say (even though I don't have kids yet). I too need girls weekends and most of my girlfriends live in Toronto or back home (4 hrs away!). I have girlfrinds through my husband ...but its hard to make friends when you're in your 20s and older!

After reading your blog..my personal question to you is: How do you keep yourself happy with everyone always at hockey. You have it 5x harder than I do and I already feel like a hockey widow at times!

OH... I am so happy... a question! lol

Here's the thing, when Sanj and I were first married, I have to admit, it was a very hard year.

Many people will say that the first year of marriage is hard.  For me, it was for many other reasons...

Sanj and his brother owned a house together so the three of us lived together.  That was fine and fun for the most part.  Then a cousin needed a place to stay from England... that made 4 ... and was very hard on me.


I was such a different person when 15 years ago.  I was such a pleaser and wanted to be the perfect wife etc.  It took me a while to understand that change can't happen unless I state my unhappiness or opinions.

Aside from that, I had a very tight circle of girlfriends... in university, where we were always there for each other. It was such a special time.  After graduation, we all moved all over North American.  I moved to Canada.  Here I had no one.  It was a very lonely time.  

Sanj had me yet he also had his sports (hockey, football and baseball), he had his music (which involved a singing group and playing for various venues).  He had work and had his family and a unit of friends that hung out.

He had his whole life here.  Me... I won't lie... I was very lonely.  This was before flat rate or internet was accessible to everyone.  We spent big bucks on phone bills as I stayed in touch with my friends and family.  I was lonely.

I am not sure what I would have done differently... because I was still finding me out.  I wrote... journaled a lot.  I read a lot.  I didn't have a social circle.  I wasn't confident enough back then to seek one out.

I remember when Sanj got a computer at his office, I would drive up to Peterborough and spend the day on the computer.  Microsoft Word was my friend.  I wrote and wrote.

I was so excited to get pregnant.  It was all I wanted... to be a mom.  I think I also felt that I would have someone just for me.  Of course, I don't recommend that motherhood is a fix to loneliness... but I was ready... we were ready.

Sammy rocked my world.  I loved him and loved being his mommy.

We got a computer at home and internet.  AOL was my reconnection into my life I was missing.

Sure I went to some of his games.  I was engaged in his life... but I can tell you that a huge part of me was missing.

We moved to Peterborough the year after and I had a house to care for and a baby.  Of course, now my mom lived with us.  There was always someone that lived with us for the first 5 years of our lives together.  That part was weird but I guess it is also who we were.  Our home has always been open to those that needed a place.

From this point... I was mom to many babies very quickly (by choice and planned).  I loved it.  I was still lonely as far as having friends.  I missed my friends so much.  There is nothing like having a best girlfriend(s) that you can just complain, share and chat.

I still miss those friendships.  Those friendships that you make from that time period in life are just so different than the ones you make later.

I didn't find fulfillment in girlfriends till the boys went to school.  There I found a place that  was for me as well as the boys.  Soon as the boys had play dates, I started meeting moms that soon became friendships.

It is the natural process of things, I suppose.

I tell all this to say this... when I was in my 20s, as is this reader asking the question... I was lonely.  I wish I was able to give you more than that ... but it is the truth.  It was hard for me to be in a new place and meet people.  In Peterborough, it may be easier... maybe finding a common thing.. the gym (I hear, lol, is a great place..., reading groups, take a class for fun, photography, church groups...

How I handle being a hockey mom and widow now... I have to admit, 85% of the time... I love and appreciate the quiet time of being home... yet usually it is never alone.

I can be honest and say that this year, I have been lonely.  With hockey, for Sanj also, his work, his meetings, coaching the boys and his (ugh) doctoral classes... I have been lonely.  We haven't' had the time to just be.  Yet, I know this is only a season.  Doctorate will be done in April... Hockey.. 5is weeks and counting!

This said, I could really use a girls night out.  That is when guilt takes over.  I really hate leaving the boys home, especially on the weekend.  That is my own issue, of course.  Yet I do really enjoy them snuggled on my bed on a Saturday night watching Hockey Night in Canada.


Loneliness is a part of life, I think.  Even when you are in the midst of people, you can be lonely.  The fix for loneliness is connection.  For me, anyway, I love people.  I feed off this.  I am at my happiest when I make a connection, though.  It is one of the reasons I love blogging.  I love the anonymous' that I connect with, I love connecting through this means.  For me 

So.. maybe you are asking the wrong person.  I really do enjoy writing and watching a chick flick when time allows.  I appreciate Facebook that allows me to be in touch with so many of my friends from yesteryear.

So.. I guess in many ways.... I am a hockey widow still and always will be.  It is part of my lot in life. At the same time, as I watch them play, working it out on the ice... I am glad and grateful that this... hockey is a part of their world... as I know it could be so much other yucky stuff.

Does anyone want to chime in?

Picky Picky Nose Picker!

Dropping like flies... did I not just blog about only one being home?  They are coming to me... "Mommy, my tummy is hurting."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My 13 year old is sound asleep before 7:30 p.m.
My 4 year old is sound asleep but just from having a great day at school.
My 8 year old, you know the one with the fever, is out on the backyard rink.  It can only be good for him, I am thinking.

Can I ask a personal question?  OK... I am warning you it is a bit crass...  how do you teach your kids to wipe their bottoms till it is clean?  I am walking around, sniffing, smelling a smell that is not so pleasant.
Ugh!  BATH NOW!!!

Can I tell you another gross one?  I hate going into a bathroom, like at school, and there is a toilet where someone went #2 yet there is no toilet paper and they forgot to flush!

I am on a roll so why stop... what about picking your nose and eating the find?Did you do that when you were little?  OK, Tell the truth?
I am embarrassed to say I can remember doing to once... I don't think it was a habit... but I do remember it being kind of gross and salty.

Maybe I should start a Fan Club on Facebook for If You Were A Nose Picker and Ate It?!!!
Seriously... why?
One of my boys actually told me that he picked his ear  (it was waxy) and tried to eat it but it was smelly!

Seriously... the things that I see with the boys... the things that I smell with the boys... oye!
Sorry ... I apologize.  I am just tired and wanting to write.  This is what came to mind.  I dare you to comment if you ate your boogers!

By the way, did you know if you picked your boogies and ate them, that it is good for you?!!!  lol
(Google it!)
You are welcome!

S.A.D., Stomach Bug, Dry Cleaning, Grey's...

I am feeling restless, very restless.   It probably has to do with being homebound for the week with sick kids.  It probably has to do with needing to see color again, needing spring to come.  It probably has to do with pressure that I have within to do a bunch of stuff but not knowing where to start.


I could go on... but I won't.  Today, after being at home since Sunday evening, I decided we needed to go out.  Just Zach was left being sick.  He seemed to be feeling better.  His fever seemed to be gone, according to the thermometer.  I thought we would meet Sanj for lunch and do a few errands.


Off we go.  We made a quick stop at Costco to fix my glasses and I got a book.  This was my cheapest Costco bill ever!  Another quick stop to get my charger for my phone and we headed for lunch.  Sanj already had a lunch date so it was just Zach and I.


We chatted with the waitresses who have become extended members of the family.  As we ordered, I saw that Zach was going downhill fast.   His fever was back and he was ready to sleep.  We managed to eat bits of our lunch.  We went to Sanj's clinic and made ourselves a bed of coats and Zach fell asleep.  (There wasn't that much time to go home and I was trying to get Zach in to see the doctor).


My stomach has been gurgling.  I feel pregnant.  I had nausea and major dry heaving happening  today and with most of my pregnancies.  Sammy was the only one who actually made me throw up.  Since I know this is going around, I won't waste money on a pregnancy test! lol


So, it's Thursday evening... I picked up pizza and a veggie platter for the boys.  I would like nothing then to get into bed and pretend there is only me to worry about.   


I would feel bad/guilty when my day was so light with not too much stress as my husband is off slaving in the office.  I realized that it is like shift work for me.  3-11 p.m. the prime hours of my work.  It is non-stop from the time the munchkins get into the van till the last one is asleep.  (Having a teenager around, some times he isn't in bed much sooner then we are)!


Tonight I have given the older ones fair notice... 8:30 p.m. is the bedtime.  All phones and electronic devices are confiscated.  BED!  I am tired of the nagging  that has to occur to get them out of their beds and on the move!


(It's a Grey Night tonight)!


I spoke to quite a few people today.  Wow... there are a lot of us that are down, sad and feeling grey.
This whole SAD thing sucks.  I really thought how could the weather/season effect one so badly... but now I am thinking of going and buying a happy light.


I also think that it is because I have not had any me time... and am in need of a girls night out/ even a weekend.


Right now I am laying on a freshly dry cleaned comforter.  It smells so good.  Makes me kind of wonder what smells were on it before!  Gross, I know! lol  Speaking of dry cleaning, the other day I decided to take all of Sanj's work clothes that were on the floor and chair in our room and dry clean them.  It was quite a bundle.  I was feeling pleased that he would be happy that I did this.


He was.  Until the next morning, "Reema, you took every single pant I have!"  Bahahhahhah!  He was not impressed but the boys and I were stifling laughs as he walked around looking for something that wasn't sweats or jeans.  The bill came to an outrageous amount!  Suddenly, I wasn't laughing!  Why is dry cleaning so expensive?  I better leave some of his clothes on the floor next time.


Caution...  OK, I hear people saying, "I read your blog..."  Suddenly I feel the pressure to not bore them. I apologize ahead of time if this has bored you.  I just needed to write.  Sometimes I don't write because I worry what others will think when they read it... but really I write for me... and appreciate and am flattered if others have taken the time to read.

The Lesson...

Usually the hardest part of my day is from 3:15 pm till we get home.  It is usually filled with meltdowns, excitement, complaint, tears and request for food of the unhealthy variety.

The greatest thing that worked for me was to put a movie on to distract and occupy their minds till we got home.  The dvd in the van has been out of commission for a bit.  Well, longer than a bit and seems to stay on my to do list.

Today was not a real exception to the rule.  I had three home from school today fighting the bug that bite them.  Sammy was the first stop.  He made brownies in his food class.  He is proud of himself.  He hands some out to his brothers and all that is left is a bag of crumbs.  Here's the thing, I don't know how much he consumed himself but as his antics escalate I realize that he has had more than he can handle.  My son, my oldest, whom I love dearly, has an allergy to sugar.  OK, it may not be an official diagnosis but if you are around him a short time after he has inhaled sugar, be warned.

He is off the charts.  He has little control of his behaviour.  Today he was just plain funny.  As we were leaving Sanj office (so he could check Zach's ears), Sammy said he needed to go to the bathroom.  I told him to just want till we were at the school to pick up the boys.

As we were waiting in the traffic circle for the remainder of the boys, Sammy suddenly bursts out of his seat and exclaims, "I feel like there is an earthquake in my bottom!"  He dashes out of the van.  The other boys are killing themselves with laughter.  I am laughing and a bit amazing that this child was one that I bore.

The ride home was one with constant chatter and craziness.  I was going to the grocery store near our house.  As I reached our street, I stopped and said, "Sammy, why don't you walk home."  (I was thinking that perhaps he would burn off the extra energy that was oozing out of him).

He replies,"Only if you make me!"  Cockiness was all over his face.

(The problem is that the older boys easier can overpower me physically... so I am forced to be creative).

I answered, "Tyler, I will pay you $20 to put Sammy out of the van."
Sammy immediately answered, "No need," and was out and off on his adventure.

I drove to the grocery store, praying the whole while that Sammy wouldn't get kidnapped during that time.  It is quite a walk from where I dropped him off to our house.  There are also a lot of hills.

I was quick, in and out and we were on our way.  The boys were trying to text Sammy with a message of "How does it feel to be a hobo?" but there was no answer.

As we drove, there was no sight of him.  Great... the lesson seemed to be on me rather than him.  We drove all the way home with no sight of him.   The snow and wind had picked up and there were drifts everywhere.

Zach was just running in the house to see if he somehow made it home before us when a van drives behind us.  One of our neighbours saw him and thought it was to yucky for him to be walking.

He ran into the house looking quite pleased with himself.
Bummer!  Who learned the lesson? Sigh!

My Sick Baby!

This morning the three boys that were home sick seemed to have turned the corner.  They were rambunctious and loud and all over my bed.  Yes!  They are finally on the tail end of this.  Life will be back to normal.

Zach came to me after lunch... "I am burning up."  103.7 ℉ was his temp.  Yikes.  He sat on my lap and feel asleep.  They seem so fragile and vulnerable when they are sick.  My poor sweet baby.

He is such a strong boy.  He is so independent.  I remember when he was a babe, he was the first and only child that chose to be in the crib over in bed with us.  I remember feeling so hurt and sad.  He has always been so tough.  As he fell asleep in my lap, I realized none of my kids are really pint size anymore.

I will miss that.  Yet I am so glad that despite of the size of my not so little man that he still comes for a snuggle when he needs one.  Hope that doesn't stop too soon.

Jesus, please make my little man feel better soon.  Amen.

Can I Ask You A Personal Question?

Today it seems that people hide within themselves so much.  We are always trying to put the image of perfection forward.  

Do you remember when you were little and your family would just pop over for a visit to friends houses?  That kind of thing doesn't seem to happen as much.  We always have to compare calendars and see what works.  If you are lucky, you will connect with in the next couple of weeks.

I miss that spontaneous popping over that releases me from cleaning the house before you come over and plan what to feed you.  I would just have to laugh and say "Welcome to my real life... excuse the mess."  I would offer you a drink, it may just be water.  We would have a lovely visit and wonder why we don't do this more often?

I wonder why there are so many lonely people in the midst of being with people.  Do you know what I mean?  You could go to a party with a houseful of people yet leave feel like you were alone.  You didn't connect with anyone.

We seem to protect ourselves so much.  We are afraid, it seems, to say, "Hey, my kids are driving me nuts."  Or  "I am so mad at my husband.  If he leaves his socks on the floor one more time..."

We are all so picture perfect!  Yet, are we really?

I love getting personal and intimate.  I love learning about you.  Of course, I know that means I have to share about me.  Bring it on.  

I went to a women's retreat a while ago.  It was a bunch of moms in their 30 somethings.  We were in a cabin together, some of us knew each other and some not so well.  When we left, despite the fact that we were friends, we realized we didn't really know each other... well until after that weekend.

It began with the question of "Can I ask you a personal question?"  Some of you know that is my line!

It was such a great weekend.  I discovered that I am not so different from the lady next to me that looks perfect.  We struggle with the same kinds of  things!  The ladies from that weekend are so connected forever.  We shared.  We connected.  We may not hanging out now as much but those ladies that were there are people that I have to be real with.  I know it is safe because we are all the same.

We guard our lives so closely that there is often times no room to allow someone in.  If we did, we may realize that perfection is relative.

What am I saying?  Trying be a little more open.  Move over and make room for someone... ask the personal questions... find out about someone.  Be ready to answer back.

Go ahead... Ask me a personal question!

Hockey!

Hockey!  It is a word that takes a lot of space in my life.   I climbed and rolled off six bodies all sprawled on my bed.  They are all there watching Team Canada play the sport that makes their world.

Zachary was burning up with fever.  He wanted so badly to stay awake to watch.  He said he would close his eyes during the commercials.  He told me that one day he wanted to play in the NHL.  What a dream!  I love that my boys have these big dreams!

Hockey was what taught Tyler to learn to read.  As he struggled to make sense of letters and their crazy sounds that only are true if the I is before C or what not, he fell in love with hockey.  His desire to read the names on the hockey cards drove him to master the craziness of reading English and all its rules.

The boys lay there dissecting the plays and players.  They explain things to me that they think I don't know.  They are bonding.  They are dreaming.  They are imagining one day being on Team Canada.

It is quite a dream to have!  I see this as the tie that will bind them.  They will come home with the wives and kids someday and they will still have hockey.  They will do what brothers do.  They will take it out on the ice or street.

Hockey!  It does take a lot of space in my life.  I am realizing that it is so much more than just a game.  It is in the blood.  It is part of each of my boys.  It is such a big part of what makes them happy.

Hockey!  I love this sport!  Go Team Canada!!!

5%...

I love being mommy 95% of the time.  Last night we were in bed, I was snuggling with my youngest two as they burned up with fever.  Suddenly I hear something that sounded like a pipe burst and all this gushing of water.  Sammy yelled, "Mommy!!"


As I walked down the hall, I  saw a little pond at the base of the bed.  Brown gunk.  It took me a minute to process it.   Lots of chocolate Dairy Queen birthday cake from supper, except you could swim in it.


SANJ!!!  Vomit and I do not mix well.  This is a part of motherhood that I am so not cut out for!   Oh my goodness!  How can so much fit in a  body?  


I am home today with most of the boys home sick, down and out.  It  is a day I don't mind as long as all body fluids stay in.  They are quieter, calmer and want to snuggle.  


Hopefully this is a 24/48 hour bug.  So all will be right in their world again.


After vomiting, my son came to me and said, "I lost 5 pounds."
Oh dear!

Don't Talk to Strangers...

I grew up listening to Christian radio.  Many song from the 70s and 80s that cause my peers to start wiggling hips and belt out lyrics with fondness leave me clueless.  As I grew older, I have learned groups and songs from this era but they do not fill me with memories as they do for many others.


Having teenagers in the vehicles, I am forever hearing, "Can you turn up the radio?"  Sammy loves to DJ from one station to the next.  My younger ones have grown up hearing songs that my older ones never would have known.


Josh has a great memory for songs and lyrics.    So often he surprises me and sings along to a pop song that I can't even understand the words.  (I sound old, don't I)?  lol


As we were driving somewhere this weekend, just the two of us, I hear his little high pitch voice singing along... except I am understanding his words.... which almost caused me to make an accident.
My four year old was singing"
"Hey pretty lady it's crazy
You're almost twice my age
I wanna dance on your body
The way I shake it on stage...

Don't talk to strangers..."

(Song sung by Hedley)

Hearing this out of my four year old's mouth was very disturbing (kind of funny, since he was singing with all his heart) and yet very disturbing.

Um... I think it is time to go back to Christian radio.

While on the topic, another Josh story... Josh loves me.  He doesn't like to think that there is anyone else loving me.  So more often then not, he competes with Sanj.  Last night as I was putting him to bed, he was questioning the Date that he knew Sanj and I were going on.  He wanted to go.  I told him we were just going to be in our room.  "Is that why you have candles?" he asked.  

"Yes"  I replied.

He begrudging went to bed.  This morning when I came into my room, I noticed the candles were gone.  I thought maybe Sanj put them away but was doubtful.  As we were laying in bed watching the Olympics, Josh said, "Is your date over?"  

"Yes," I replied.  

"OK... I put the candles away," said Josh.

He was so bothered by the Date.

Funny boy!

Going For Gold!

The Olympics are here!  I love the Olympics.  It always motivates me to be want to be an athlete.  I can dream, can't I?

My favourite is the ski jumping!  It leaves me breathless to image flying in the air like that and nail that landing.  It is such a beautiful sight.

Can you imagine working your whole life for a moment?
The only thing I can compare this is with pregnancy.  You work hard for 9 months.  You eat the right stuff, you drink the right stuff, you breathe the right stuff... you work hard to be the best you can be.  Finally the moment arrives... you push, you breath, you cry, you may even scream and then the finish line is right there.  One More Push!  You soon hear the sound of victory!

My children are my great work to this point in life.  Even if I fulfill my career dreams, they will be the best thing I will have done.

The difference is that these athletes get to wear a beautiful medal around their neck.  With my kiddies, I often want to wring their necks.

 lol.  I love my babes!

Happy I Love You Day!

Today is Family Day!  Sanj is home, everyone is vegetating and relaxing in their different way.  Sanj's family will be over later to skate and eat a yummy meal that my mother-in-law is bring.

No cooking, relaxing and having everyone home makes me happy and equals a perfect day.

Valentine's Day came and went.  It was good.  It was stressful.  Each year, Sanj and I take turns planning the day.  He is so good at that kind of thing.  He is always creative and thoughtful.  

This year I felt the pressure.  I was clueless was to what to do.  Well, actually, I did have a plan.  We were going to go to Toronto for the evening and I was going to take him to The Top of the Senator.  This is a fancy jazz club that he always has talked of. I felt good.

As I told him my plans a few days ago, he said, "Oh, is it still open?"

I had googled it and seen it come up, so I wasn't worried.  As I went to look for the phone number, I started seeing the year from ----to 2005.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I called and a rude man told to it had been closed for 5 years.

This was Wednesday that my plans were dashed.  I hate Valentine's Day!

All week I had nothing.  I am a last minute kind of girl.  I got him a couple of little things... that were more funny than anything.

I told the boys that we were going on a date in our bedroom... at 9 p.m. DO NOT DISTURB.  lol  The younger ones were in bed and the older ones seemed to get the gist of what that meant and looked disturbed. lol  Needless to say, there was no barging in.

I recreated the Top of the Senator in our room.  It was a nice quiet night.

Now I can't wait for Valentine's next year!  It better be good! lol

Instant Birth Control!

I have written many a blog about my youngest, my sweet Joshua.

I love him to pieces.  He is a special gift to me.  I just know that God has huge plans for him.

Here's the thing... I am 41 years old.

I am not as full of energy as I was in my 20s.

I am busier than I ever was.

I have a lot of things that run through my head all day.

Yet as I love this little shadow of mine... (he is literally every where I am)...

He is exhausting.  He never shuts up.  Never!  He talks constantly.  He never runs out of things to say.

I can't think with him around.  He asks me questions I many times have no answers for.

He starts as soon as he sees light outside... "Mommy, can you open your eyes now?  It's morning time."

"Mommy, is there lava under the ground?"

"Mommy, I don't have to wipe my penis like moms do."

How come Washington D.C. has all the snow?

"Can I have a toy?"

"I don't have to pee, I am just dancing."

"Do I have cavities today?

He exhausts me.  He is instant birth control.  If I ever had a moment of pining for a little baby, it is quickly gone as I hear Josh's voice.  I am too old for a 4 year old.  I am too old for a 4 year old that never shuts off.

Never!

People that are considering having a babe should really borrow Josh for half a day  (that will be plenty)... so they can see that they may get a Josh.  He is the Energizer bunny.  He never stops.

Instant Birth Control.

I Love Him!

I Am Weird....

I went to the gym today!  Hurrah for me!  OK... not really a big deal, if you are one of those disciplined people.  God forgot the pass me that trait when He was handing them out.  I even succeeded in eating well.  Just a few more hours... those hard hours... to pass with flying colors till tomorrow.

I guess now that I am getting closer to mid-40s rather than just turned 40, it is crunch time.  I can choose  to be a frumpy 40 something or I can really make a huge effort to be a 40 something that looks like 30 something.  (So... could you please pray for me... I really want this bad).

I decided to go the healthy route.  Baby steps at a time.  Whole grains (ugh... I love my Wonder bread), high fibre, dark colored fruits and veggies and water.  Yes, I do know all the things to do to get healthy...
I am taking the boys on this journey.  I am really trying to say no fast food except on the weekend.  I am only buying brown bread so that I will eat it or not.  I am reading labels and really trying to make this a family endeavour.

After my workout, I got a bunch of those annoying little errands done... returns, dropped off dry cleaning and bought an iron that doesn't ruin my hubby's clothes and cause him great disturbation every morning (this may not be real word but it should be... meaning the causing of great disturbance).

I went to the book store, which always takes way too much time... yet is one of my favourite places to hang out.  While in line, there was a mom and new baby in a car seat all snuggled up.  (It made me miss that for a moment... the tiny hands, the baby smell and the mouth that does not know to talk yet).   Another customer that was gaga-ing over the babe said, "I wish they had car seats for adults."  I said, "They do... they are called wheelchairs."  We just go back to the beginning again... just not to cute and  nice smelling.

I had lunch with a friend, did some banking and got some groceries.   I chatted with my brother, who is dealing with the effects of snowmegdon in Maryland.  That made grocery shopping least painful.

We were chatting about high school.  He basically feels "so what if high school sucked... get over it."
Here's my thing... just the fact that he can say that means life was pretty ok for him.  Yes, he had moments that sucked, especially being excluded due to not having money... but he was a cool kid.

I am over it.  But just like other bad and good moments, it is life altering.  Hum... is it?  I think so.  If I didn't understand being excluded due to whatever factors, if I didn't feel the angst of being different, if I just accepted it and moved on... I wouldn't be me today.  I don't think I live my life  being exclusive.
I hate that.  I hate watching someone being left out due to money, race, life status or simply because they are weird.

I am weird.  I don't care anymore.  Weird... different, unique... ah, there are many labels for me.  Bring it on.  I was called quirky a few years ago by a friend's husband.  I can home totally bothered by that label.
Sanj was so matter of fact about it.  "You are quirky.  I love that about you."  He said a lot more stuff but the bottom line is I am not normal.  I am OK with that.  :)

I love having all sorts of people in my world... even the weird and most annoying.  It makes my world go around.

So... I told my brother that he can't join the "I was a loser in high school," group.  He would have to find his own.  I can think of a few.... lol

So... I am past high school but it really is a piece of me that will always be there.

As I end this blog, let me tell you about my new purchase... The Slap Chop!  I have been watching the commercial and yearning for one.  (Yes, I am an easy target and the exact type of person for whom informercials are made for)!  Anyway, while doing my errands, I saw the Slap Chop at Zellers.  I was so excited!  It was $19.99 but I didn't get the free one, as in the commercial.

Of course Sanj teased me as I called him about my find.  The boys were immediately drawn to it yet I wanted to christen it after reading the directions, etc.  My sweet hubby comes home and immediately goes for the Slap Chop, sarcastically  saying, "Let's see how good this Slap Chop  works..."  Slap, slap, slap!  It's actually pretty good.  He was trying to take it apart to rinse it (without reading the directions) to slap chop Josh's red pepper.

All of a sudden I hear  "Oh $%#@#%!"  He Slap Chopped his hand.   I read him the directions... "Not a toy... dangerous... "

His hand is OK... my Slap Chop has been christened... and all is well.