What's In There?

This is a great picture of what the inside of my head looks like.

These is a constant flurry of activity happening.  

While I may seem focused on an activity, I am no doubt working on 2-3 other up and coming tasks.

There usually is no beginning or end... just a constant of activity.

Even when I sleep, I am in motion.

I dream every night.

I remember my dreams.

I can have the most nonsensical dream

(such as last night, my friend, who is done with babes was pregnant).

The thing about my dreams is they often take me to the past.
Often, if I analyze  my dreams, I am dreaming of events 

that are unresolved in my mind.


How annoying!  
In my dreams, I have no control over my thoughts.
Lately, my dreams have been about this boy that I dated and "loved."
(Sanj, of course, questions this love...  lol)


Whatever.  The point is he wasn't the one but my mind has not put the fact that he "dumped" me to rest.
What was wrong with me?
What was the bottom line?
And really?  Do I care?
No but in my dreams... I obviously do.
I am forever dreaming of being back  in that time and he is ignoring me.


See my mind, even when it is supposed to be at rest is at constant motion.


This is the mind of a person that lives with ADHD.
My Life is a highway!


But then again... I can multitask with the best of them.


Who says ADHD is a disorder?  Probably someone who can't keep up with them!

My Zachary Thomas...

I have been thinking of my Zachary lately.

He is such a force of life.  He is full of energy, mischievousness, love and perseverance.

He is the child that never lets his size stop him.  He loves keeping up with his brothers.

He loves being with Sanj.  He keeps up with him while he is raking leaves or shovelling the rink.

Yet life isn't the easiest for him.  At school, he really struggles with friends.  His class is small, and the selection of boys is few.  I never thought this would be an issue.  He is so social.  Yet because he is having trouble finding his place within his peers, he heads over to the older ones.  Yet the only thing he knows to do with that age is what he does with his brothers... drives them crazy by being a nuisance.

It breaks my heart to hear him talk.  He will tell you that he has his one friend.  The others may be his friend if they are allowed (by their clingy counterpart).  In grade 2, he already deals with boys that says "you can't be _____ friend, or I won't be yours."

Then there is his body image.  This is so disturbing to me.  He is seven years old.  He told me he was fat.  He pointed to his thighs and belly. Yikes.  Where does this come from?  Why are these thoughts in his head?  Someone told him he had chubby cheeks.  He takes that as he is fat.

Then there is his on-going struggle with school.  He is a struggling but making progress reading and writing.  His fine motor skills are not quite there.  He goes around saying  "I can't read" because he can't read as good as others.

His cousin beat him at UNO, she is younger.  He was so hurt.  Yet he is the kind of kid that hides his tears.  I saw the struggle and told him to come and give me a hug.  He did and then sobbed quietly till he got himself under control.

He isn't the child that will make others feel bad.  He is a great host.  I love how he entertains children when they come over.  He is helpful and thoughtful.  He is aware of others needs and feelings.

My Zachary is such a trooper.  I wish life wasn't so hard.  I wish he could find that great side kick.  He will be fine in school, especially because he doesn't give up.  

How much I love this babe of mine.  How much I want him to see the unique gift he is to us.  How I want him to know how to love himself.  How I want him to learn not to judge himself by what others say or do.

My heart hurts for his insecurities.  I wonder how to fix that.  I wonder where I went wrong with him?  

He does everything with passion.  I love watching him in hockey.  If we forgot a practice, it is painful to tell him... because he looks so disappointed.  He loves being with his brothers.

He even loves being beaten up by them after he has annoyed them because he loves the attention.

This is the child that stuck a raisin up his nose... just because...

This is the child that grab the hot iron... to see what would happen just because...

This is the child that loves to build and destroy.

This is my boy that came to me yesterday... "Um, Mom... a little problem.  I put some dog food in the bathroom sink and now it is plugged up.  I tried to take it apart but it won't.  Sorrrrrryyyyyyy."

God, I love this kid!  He makes my heart hurt from feeling the oozing of love.

I am so glad that this lovely boy is my son.  I am so glad that I get the privilege of being loved by him.  I know he is awesome and life is going to see it.  I just can't wait for him to see it!

Monday...

It's Monday.  I am trying to find motivation to get the things on my To DO List done.

Laundry... wash it, dry it, fold it, put it away.

Cleaning... floors, windows, oven, dust, de-clutter.

Cooking... do something healthy with the chicken that my kids will eat.

Shopping... shoes (I am still parading around in my flip flops), back pack for Max ( his already fell apart), groceries (yes, again).

Phone calls... I hate returning phone calls.  Over the weekend, I didn't really even check messages.   So now I have to make the calls back.  

I need to go to my doctor for blood work.  I am avoiding this.  I make a very bad patient.

I need to make a Christmas shopping list.  Usually by now I would be so on top of it.  I am not.  Not sure why, but the Christmas bug hasn't bit me yet.  Maybe it is because of this mild weather. (I am still wearing my flip-flops... after all).

I need to write.   I just wish I had something interesting to say.

Thankgiving.... CHECK!

The house is quiet. Very quiet. My brother and family have begun the long journey home.

The boys and Sanj and hanging out in the basement. I am sitting ... yup... just sitting.

It's been a good visit.

I have been reflecting on how alike and yet so different my brother and I. It's neither good nor bad just different. We parent so differently. We have so many traits that are obviously Dixit traits and then so much of us that comes from the different experiences we have had.

Yesterday was a LONG day at the rink. Max had a tournament in Havelock (no where land) and we were there all day. It was a bit too much hockey for me. I had Josh too. He was a trooper.

Last night we didn't do too much. Just hung out. I was looking at faces from the past on facebook from my brother's friend list. We had such different experiences in high school. Interesting to see how that can have an impact on you later in life.

As we were looking through his list of "friends," he would say "remember _____, they were in your grade 3 class." (This was the class I student taught. I loved this group of kids).

It was a little ridiculous to see that these kids were adults, some with babes and families.

I didn't feel old until I saw these 3rd graders with their own babies!

Wow! Life keeps going, doesn't it. Whether your engaged in that part of life or not.

My mom came back last night. She is exhausted. While trying to be all she was to my babes, to her son's kids, she seems to have forgotten she isn't 60 something anymore. She is very tired.

She seems to be tormented. She seems to be forever trying to pacify someone. She lives a very unrestful life.

I realized this weekend that boundaries and distance can be good. It can be healthy. While I, of course, wish for it all, the big family holidays with everyone, I am grateful for the peace that come with making choices that work for me.

Thanksgiving... check. Now on to Christmas and winter fun.

Sanj and the boys are putting the plastic down for the rink... and now waiting for the cold and snow to come!

Friday ...

It's Friday night. It's quiet. The kiddies are asleep. The older ones are doing their thing. My brother and wife are watching Angels and Demons with us.

It's been nice being with family. It is interesting how alike we are yet so different.

Tomorrow is a day of hockey tournaments. I am looking forward to tomorrow night already.

It is been fun for the cousins to hang out.

The boys skipped school to be home. Is that bad? Really it is about family, isn't it?

I love my boys. I am proud of them. They are good kids.

We sure eat a lot when we are together! My sister-in-law makes a delicious lasagna. How come food always taste better when someone else makes it?

My brother and I share a love for mint chocolate chip ice cream. Actually who am I kidding? We share a love for sugary goodies.

Tomorrow my family will all be together. Except me. It feels weird to know this. It does make me sad.

I was somewhere and I hear this lady that seems to have it all say "There is no perfect family."

I really hit me hard. I have been looking for perfection. I have been striving for perfection. No wonder I keep falling short.

I am not sure what there is then. Maybe just different kinds of families. Maybe just families that love each other and keep working on being the best they can be.

I know that loving and being loved is the best feeling in the world. I love showering love upon my babies. I love when they see the love.

Today I picked Tyler up from school... he wanted to go till 1 p.m. (hum... I wonder why???)

I picked up a lunch for him. He gets in the car. "I didn't take my lunch...." he begins... I hand him the lunch I brought along. "I love you" he says... "You know me so well."

I loved that.

I love being loved by Sanj. Just a hug or a thank you.... how much a love that. I love appreciation.

It's been a good day. Busy, tiring but good.

The Phone Call....

I am not sure if I will post this... but I am writing because right now this is the thoughts of an adult who just got off the phone with a dad that abused her family his whole life.

I have hands that are shaking violently. My heart is pounding and skipping I feel like I may have a heart attack.

My legs are weak... I had to sit down while on the phone just to support myself.

He called. I see the number. I groan. I pick up. I can't avoid it. He is persistent.

I hear his voice. I feel emotions that are indescribable.

He starts talking...my stomach is churning.

He talks and talks. He is the same. He is wanting me to come to the dedication. He is saying that this may be his last time when we are all together. He wants to talk about what he wants when he dies.

He wants me to be the older sister and forgive. He doesn't understand there isn't a grudge. Just fear.

He wants to be buried in Maryland. He names my uncles and aunts that are buried there. He never made attempts to get along with them ever. He always stirred the pot so my mom was kept at a distance from her family and friends. Now he is worried about being buried alone?

Weird.

He talks about the same policy he has. (Not sure if this is for real). Whose name should he put for the benefactor? Not me. No thanks.

Then he talks about family that is struggling. He talks about bad behaviour (yet I am amazed that he is calling the behaviour... such a hitting a 3 year old, bad... since he did it time and again since I was one!)

He asks me to come to the dedication. Pray about it... He says. He says he has people praying for me. Um... not sure he gets it.

Then I say (not sure where I got the strength, well yes I am)... "Dad, I am not coming. I do not feel safe. I do not want to expose my children to any of it. I don't know what will happen. I am not willing to put myself or them at risk." (Thank you, Jesus for strength).

(When the three siblings are together, something always happens. Every time. So maybe this time it will be different. My absence may be a gift).

He says... (I can't believe he said this) "I won't let anything happen. I will call 911 if I have to."

OK... you must get the picture. He asks for money for another life insurance policy. Money he will leave for us. He asks for $30 so he can leave us $2000.

Weird.

He talks about my mom. But then says, "I don't want to talk about her."

Weird.

This weekend the boys and I are away. We are at a hockey tournament.

Far and away.

My hands are still shaking.

As I hung up, I feel overwhelmed with emotions of sadness. When will it stop? I feel bad also because I know I have disappointed him. Again.

Weird.

This is from a daughter that has lived with abuse her life after talking to her father.

Rudeness...

Early this week, Sanj got a phone call from someone on one of the committees he is on.

I am not sure what the purpose of the call was except that this woman went off on my husband.

Here's the thing... it is plan and simple. Please don't mess with my husband. I love him. Please treat him with respect. Please be kind. Please.

What the conversation was about is really pointless... this is a person that is always right. This is a person that never makes mistakes. This is a person that lack any sort of people skills or confidence.

I was laying on the bed. Sanj was talking or rather listening. I could hear the volume of which she was speaking to him. My heart started to pound. I hate confrontation. She was being ugly.

I want to use other words here... but on the chance that 13 and under folks may read this I will refrain.

Sanj was surprisingly controlled. He raised his voice once. I couldn't believe that someone would talk to another person that way.

I have very hostile feelings right now towards this person. I realize it isn't Christlike... but I am human. How dare you speak to my husband that way? If she spoke to me that way I am pretty sure I would have had to slap her or pulled her hair.

Please don't mess with the people I love.

Here is when I have to really believe that God is in control.

I hate when I know something to be true yet can't prove it. Or you have to be the bigger person and walk away. I hate "losing" if that is even the right word.

But time will tell. God is in control. Even when it doesn't go my way. He is in control. He is teaching me something.

Probably pray for my enemies. I didn't even know I had any enemies. But then you had to go and mess with my husband. I guess I'd better pray... harder.

Happy Thankgiving!

This is the first time I am home in weeks. I miss being at home.

Tomorrow is American Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving to all my loved ones. We will be celebrating too.

We have friends coming and then my brother and family. Then of course there is the football. lol

I have so much to be thankful for.

Top on the list is my husband. He is a calming effect on me. He keeps me safe. He keeps me grounded. How I love him.

I am thankful for my boys. I am thankful for the health they have that allows them to drive me and each other nuts. lol

I am thankful for home. Not the house but the home. How I love having a home.

I am thankful for Jesus. I am so grateful for His patience with me. I am grateful that I can feel His love, day in and day out.

The list can go on and on. But I will end with my thankfulness of my friends. How I love you and thank you for making my world go around!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Still Running...

It's almost 9:30 p.m. I still have so much stuff I should do before even thinking of bed.

I worked today. Then the boys (Zachary, Maxwell and Tyler) were asked to be part of a photo shoot for Cymbalta. You know the depression medicine? No, I didn't miss the irony of it! lol

It was a neat experience and they got a pretty pay check for it. So that was very exciting for them.

Then it was off to pick up the boys, stop off at the office and pick up flyers for the office Open House (that need to be stuffed in their envelope, stamped and labeled). I did a quick stop at the grocery store while the boys were enjoying their Frosty.

How come whenever I drive the truck (Sanj's baby and true love) something happens?

I try to start it up and nope it doesn't start. This is a newer vehicle. Give me a break!!! It is raining. The boys and I walk over to Sanj's office (across the road from where we were). Why me with all the kids?

I get it jumped and there is obviously issues with it... a bunch of the electrical stuff was messed up. Phew... at least it wasn't me! Yet things NEVER go wrong when Sanj is driving.

I am so jinxed.

I am feeling down. Life is coming at me too fast. And it seems to be kicking my butt a bit.

It is a busy week. My brother and family are coming here for American Thanksgiving.

They are also coming here for my other brother's baby dedication.

My other brother. We had a falling out. I am not mad. I am not holding a grudge. I am just choosing boundaries for my life that keep me safe and sane.

My parents don't understand this. I guess they think that I am still mad or having a temper tantrum. I am not. When things happen that make you feel unsafe or hurt you, it is your duty to protect yourself. Isn't it?

Apparently my dad has been trying to call. He is calling to tell me "to come to the dedication and be a good sister."

If it wasn't all so sad, it would be laughable. First of all.... how does he think he can tell me what to do? After being absent for over a decade, I think that right is gone.

And then there is the Me? Be a good sister? It is all I have done my whole life. I have been a good sister... at my own expense too many a time. I have been a good daughter. Again, my whole life and whose expense?

I am the one that has weekly dreams of a father or brother or uncle that is coming after me to beat the crap out of me. I am always running in my dreams. I am always trying so hard to protect my children. I am always scared.

Then I wake up. Then I wake Sanj up. He knows what it means. He holds me. I lay there still unsure if I am safe... I wait. I am trying to calm my pounding heart. Eventually sleep will win and if I am really lucky, I will dream of something else. But there are those times it is safer to stay awake. It is those nights when my dreams keep coming back.

Last night I had one of those dreams. Except it was my aunt. My uncle was going to get her. I was there. I was trying to figure out how to help.

My brother doesn't have these dreams. Why me?

Funny how the choices of others, my mom, my aunt, my brother keep haunting me.

Is that fair? I didn't ask to live a life of fear and running. Yet I am running. I am looking over my shoulder. I am constantly waiting for it! The thing that sucks now is that I can't escape it. Because it finds me when I have no choice. It finds me in my sleep.

Save My Hair!

OK... as much as I try to live life the way I know I should, I admit... I stumble more than I succeed.

But I keep trying... so that should count for something, right?

I have written that my hair is falling out. Not the typical hair loss but major hair loss and thinning. My mom has healthy full hair, why shouldn't I? (Sob, sob).

I went to the health food store in town who is known for their knowledge and helpfulness.

She gave me some shampoo that said sodium lauryl sulfate free. She also suggested some things such as B12 vitamin to foster the growth of my hair.

I am a skeptic of sorts. Of course there is bad things in everything... even baking soda... yields yummy foods when we cook with it yet we can clean with it and get great results too.

So I decided to read on it... and then try the SLS free shampoo. My first thought was why does this shampoo smell like mouthwash? Ugh. I love my sweet smelling shampoos.

It was a week. Yesterday as I showered, 1 strand of hair came out. HELLO... ONE!!! After months of too many strand of hairs, I was shocked.

What am I saying? Well, I am saying this doesn't apply to everyone. But hello, it obviously applies to me.

I am not going to preach about the woes of SLS. Just check it out yourself. Google SLS and hair loss. It is a little disturbing. This is a product used in garage floor cleaners, car-wash soaps. It is found in most hair shampoo, bath and skin products.

I feel a bit betrayed. How can these companies do this? SLS is commonly known in the medical world as an irritant. Yikes.

So... my hair may not smell as yummy as it once did... though I haven't really checked out other products out there but at least I still have hair.

Girlfriends, Where Are You???

I had a great nap today. So did Max, Jordan and Sammy. (Actually I would classify Sammy's nap as fabulous seeing as he didn't wake up till 7:30 p.m.)!

My favorite thing Saturday night thing to do (aside from actually going out...) is laying in my bed with the boys all looking for a spot to snuggle and watch a movie. We are watching "Hotel for Dogs." I have actually hear this movie 50 times (while they watched it in the van)... but I have never actually seen it.

I am missing my friends today. You know, just being able to hang out and catch up. Just being able to talk about ourselves, life, love and where we are on our journey. I miss my friends.

Girlfriends. They are such a important part of my life. I think what made my university days so wonderful was the amazing friends that came into my life. How I miss them. We had fun just being together, chatting, sharing and building deep roots to those friendships that stand time.

It is different now. Of course it is. We are moms and wives with careers and demands of life. We have changed from hurts and disappointments that have been part of our journey. But I love knowing... that deep down in a place that is so often lost to even me, there is that "us" that is there.

I can pick up the phone and it may take a few minutes of niceties but it is there. It surfaces.

My friend and I ... we find each other. Then we talk. We share. We may laugh. We may even cry. We find each other.

This picture is of me, my freshman year in university. One of my girlfriends... she was a senior but just loved me as if we were sisters. We had so many late night of cooking rice and ramen.

Each year God blessed me with girlfriends that filled my soul. It was one of the best things about growing up... and leaving home. Most of my friends are still in my life. I miss them so much. Yet there is that special place we can always go back to. I need to really just go.

You know what I am talking about? Some of you having friends that you went to grade school with. That is so special.

One of the great things about my boys school is the friendships it has allowed me to make.

Girlfriends. It is as essential as my carbs. lol

I miss my girlfriends.

Ah Ha!

I have this picture of Max and I on my Facebook profile picture.

Josh was sitting beside me as I was replying to my girlfriend.

"See... You do love Max more! " Totally offended to see that picture was Josh's reaction.

So glad that they fight for my love!

All In A Day... and then some!

I haven't written in a few days. OK that isn't accurate. I have written and then end up deleting because I think... hum... that was dumb.

I miss writing without thinking. I miss writing just for me. So... I am going back to the basics.

It has been a busy week. I feel as if I am juggling to many balls. The weekend is just as busy.

Tonight- Tyler in Bowmanville @ volleyball tournament.

8:30 p.m. Hockey for Jordan

8:30- Hockey for Max ... plus his two friends who are here for a sleep over for his birthday.

Early morning- still looking for ride for Tyler to volleyball.

9 am - Hockey -Zach

9 am- Hockey- Max

9 am - Hockey- Sammy and Tyler

Yes, three games same time, three different arenas.

11-1 p.m. Zach @ birthday party.

12:30 pm- Jordan- hockey

At some point drop in at Rhema Craft Sale

At some point drive to see Tyler's volleyball game.

More hockey Saturday afternoon for Sanj and boys.

Saturday night- Sanj's hockey game.

And that is all she wrote for Saturday.

I am looking forward to Sunday evening already!

I went and saw MJ ... This Is It last night. Loved it. Left the movie feeling many emotions.

Glad I saw it.

A busy week ahead too. My brother and family are coming for American Thanksgiving this week. The forecast is calling for snow... Wednesday just for my sister-in-law (who thinks we have snow all the time).

The boys had the day off today. Lots of activity too early in the morning. How come?

We were late to many times this week. Why this morning could they wake up?

I love my boys. They drive me crazy. But when I think of them, each of them, as individuals rather than "the Boys" I realize that they are so good. They are well adjusted, thoughtful and sweet. It is just when they are in a room with their siblings that causes them to become some other creatures.

Sammy got his report card. He did great. He really struggled his last years in school. Not sure what happened but he did great. I was so proud of him. I love seeing his confidence emerging.

He is such a social child. I love seeing his personality coming out.

Josh had a good week at school. I should say he had a better week. He was having trouble not being the last child ready. So frustrating. He did better this week. Wahoo! I love that kid!

I was sitting here blogging and Sammy shouts, "Mommy, there's a fire."

I reluctantly get off my chair, wondering what embellishment he is talking about.

I walk out of the office and see the kitchen stove ablaze. Flames are almost touching the microwave above it. Yikes!

Isn't this just on commercials? Josh is screaming and out of the room, crying, "I hate this house!"

OK... I am the one in charge. Upon closer examination, there is a blue mess of melted plastic feeding the flames. A road hockey stick.

"SAMMY!!!" Obviously he was going to curve it and forgot. Sponge Bob was on.

I wish I could have taken a picture of the flames, the blue melted plastic on my glass top stove and the smoke. I wish I could have taken a picture of the blue plastic splattered everywhere!!!

Did I forget to mention my house was cleaned today?

Did I mention I was just getting ready to enjoy some me time?

Did I mention that glass top stoves are a mess to scrape anything off... much less melted BLUE plastic?

Love is patient. All in a day.

The Lottery

I realize that most Christians don't gamble or play the lotto.

I have to admit... I love playing the slots. I love it! We were in Las Vegas for a conference. Sanj was off to his meeting and I had my 20 dollars to play the 25 cent slots. I didn't realize how fast that would go.

Now what? I still had a lot of time to kill. In my pockets, I found Sanj's business card. Insert a big smile here. Cha Ching. I had a great morning.

There are the slots that are down the road from us. They help keep our taxes low. I haven't been. I know I better keep away. I do have an addictive personality.

"Imagine the Freedom" that is our lotto's slogan. Oh, I can imagine the freedom. But I am grateful for all I have and even all I don't have. God has it covered.

But all this said to say that yesterday I won the lotto. No, it wasn't monetary yet it was huge.

I am on a journey. Part of that journey was waiting for an opinion from someone important.

I didn't realize that I was waiting with bated breath. I was. I didn't realize that my heart had been racing from the anticipation and fear.

I think I am on the path to writing for real. I feel that this is my calling right now. (Of course, being ADHD, I have other callings at the same time).

My heart is actually hurting. I wonder if I am having symptoms of a heart attack or if it is just nerves and excitement.

Sanj encouraged me to ask this editor/friend to check out my blog. I was scared. I did. Then I waited. I was so scared of what I would hear. She had said, "How honest do you want me to be?"

Yikes! Honest. I don't want to waste my time. Yet, I feel a calling. I just need to know if it is just the voices in my head I am hearing.

So I waited. She contacted me about other stuff but said nothing of my blog. I was ready to throw up.

Yesterday, this editor/friend was on the mall trip. I don't know what she said to preface it or what she said after it but here is what I remember:

"You write well." She may have even said "very well" but I think I stopped listen.

Oh my gosh!

This was my affirmation from God. I asked Him to please let her show me the way.

So I am on a journey. I am going to be a writer. I don't know what that means yet but I am on the road. I really hope I don't have a heart attack before I even begin.

I won the lotto. (Thanks, Barb and thanks, God).

(Could you say a prayer for me)?

A P.J. Morning!

Today is one of those days that everyone (except my workaholic hubby) is still in their pyjamas.

I love days like today. I love just relaxing and puttering.

My next few weeks are busy ones. Tueday is Jordan's 12th birthday! At work, I have to finish up a project. At school, I have to get started on a fundraising project I have been putting off. At home, I really need to have things touched up.

My brother and family will be coming for American Thanksgiving.

Then there is a party I am having. It is an Epicure Party... lots of tasty stuff to try and lots of Christmas ideas for all budgets. You are invited. December 1st... 7 p.m. at my house.

Then there are the lunches with friends and catching up. That is a full time job (job in a good way).

Then there is my project. I am overwhelmed with the idea... that is me. I have an idea. But I don't know how to start. It is new. It is exciting. But I am not sure where to begin!!!

(Of course this is all in between real life... housework, laundry, groceries, meals, lunches, homework, hockey, birthdays....)

So it is a good thing to have a day or even a morning to putter.

The Sweater Hug

I am a touchy feely person. I love holding hands. I love snuggling. I love hugs. It doesn't matter who I am with, I will usually warn you that I am going to snuggle up to you.

I love being with someone. I guess men don't have that luxury. It wouldn't look right, I suppose, for them to snuggle up to someone. lol

Sanj's thing is warmth. He loves being warm and toasty. The heat is blowing high in the car or he is layered in warmth.

He is a sweater person. He has these sweaters that are all purpose. He wears it to the gym in the morning. He wears it to the hockey rink. He works in them. He even sleeps in them.

Enough already. I hate those sweaters. In this picture, Sanj is wearing one of his Hug Sweaters. I am sick of seeing them on him. He loves them.

Yesterday when I went shopping, that was my mission.

I went looking for the Sanj Sweater(s).

I found the perfect one. It actually had his name on it. $230+ (Hugo Boss). I paused. I thought and then I walked away. I sighed.

It had his name on it. I kept shopping. Then I found another sweater, not exactly with his name on it but close. Big cable knit sweater with a turtle neck collar. I was sweating just looking at it. $69 (Banana Republic) then I had a 30% off coupon. Bingo!

Every one needs a hug. Some people have to wear their hugs.

I Am Feeling It!!!

I had a great day today. It was a day filled with my favorite combination (if I have to exclude my family). It was like a mini break. A day filled with shopping, a day full of great finds and bargains (a must to make my shopping experience a great one), and a day of great company.

I loved today. We had a chartered bus, a very sweet driver, who showed up every time we needed him, a mall full of great deals, and time to relax and chat with each other on the ride home.

My cell phone didn't ring once! That is a rarity. Sanj must have threatened! lol

The thing about time away is that you appreciate the welcome back. I love being missed.

I love finding me for bits of time. I did that today. I have been changing. I feel like I am on the cusp of something. I am feeling butterflies in my tummy. I am feeling it. I am finding a new bit of me. It is exciting. It is scary. It is so incredible.

Do you ever just believe in yourself? I never did. Never. I wished so much that I was full of talent, and raw ability in the athletics department or art department or had some musical skills.

I wished that I was a super cook, or baker, or craft person. I wished I was smart in an obvious area. I wish I cared about politics. Have you spent so much time wishing to be something special or even just normal?

Have you ever wished for something? Have you ever wanted something so badly?

Well... I have. I have a secret desire to be something. I am not great at it. But ... for the first time I have found myself believing. Guess what... I am believing in me!!!

I am on a cusp of something. I believe that God is leading me towards fulfilling a dream.

He is calling, He is believing, He knows I can do it.

It feels good to believe in me. I feel butterflies. I feel good. I feel so excited. I have to let you know this is because of you, too. So thank you.

Sometimes...

Sometimes it is hard to be me.

Sometimes it is hard to want to do the right thing and yet not have others understand your choices.

Sometimes it must be hard to love me.

Sometimes it must be hard to like me.

Sometimes it is hard for me to express the storm that is brewing.

Sometimes I miss simple.

Sometimes I wonder... was it ever simple?

Sometimes I feel so sad and lost.

Sometimes I feel no one understand.

Sometimes it feels like it will never stop or end.

Sometimes it is hard to be me.

Thankfully, it is just sometimes.

Hard Stuff...

It's Friday night. I love my Friday nights. The males in my house are all at the table eating and watching "Aliens in the Attic."

I have snuck away to my computer. There is so much I want to say. There is so much I need to say. Yet sometimes I am scared to say it here... not sure who will read it and who will be offended.

I wish I didn't care. Most of the time I don't. I am so grateful for the feedback I get from you. I have asked God to use me. He has used my blog so many times. For this, I am grateful and flattered.

Just today I got this note from a friend... I am assuming it is OK to post since there is no name attached.

"I just realized that I am embarrassed to write this on your blog.....thank you....I really needed a happy pill...I was putting it off..... hoping it would go away.... but it was me that was going away......hopefully three week and I will feel better! Thanks again."

I so appreciate your notes and feedback.

Today I have been thinking of my dad. Today I was reminded of why he is not present in my life. He called my brother and was telling how he wished that I was going to the baby dedication of my brother's (that I have chosen to kept at a distance at this time in my life).

He was talking about how I never answer the phone when he calls (not a truth) and how he is scared to call here. He twists things all the time. He then was saying how wishes I would forget things and just let it all go. He wants a family picture. That is the bottom line. Funny, it isn't about me being there or about anything then that he wants a family picture.

I hate his manipulations. I hate that he is selfish. I hate that he doesn't understand the hurt and damage he has caused in his life. I hate that there are moments that I miss him in my life that I can't stand it.

The whole family picture... in my eyes, that is a privilege. You don't get the right to have a family picture when you choice not to be family. You can't have a picture to pretend and show off that family is important. For me, family is such a gift. You can't take family, abuse them and then wish them there whenever you want.

It doesn't work that way for me. My children and husband are the most precious things to me. If you have a relationship with them, it is a gift, not a right. When you hurt them, you lose that gift.

I am tired of all the things I have done in the name of family. What am I teaching my children if I allow people to hurt them or me? I am not teaching them to love themselves. I am not teaching them to value themselves and expect the best from people. If they are taught to value themselves, I pray and hope that they will never stand for anyone hurting them. Yes, even family.

I find this so hard. Boundaries. I love my family. I love my brothers. I love my parents. But finally, after a lifetime of searching... I have learned to love me. I know what I can handle. I know what sends me over the edge. I have to love me and listen to me. It is one of the hardest things to live by, yet if I want my children to learn that loving themselves is so important... then I have to live by my actions.

It was a lot of soul searching... but it keeps the soul misery away... when I dig deep.

Help!

I have a good life. For many that peek into my life, they see a good life.

Great hubby, wonderful kids and an overall happy home.

Sometimes having a happy home is work. I didn't grow up in a "happy home" so I have no map of how to have that. It comes from trial and error. But most of all, it comes from love.

I got a letter from a friend that is struggling. As I read her letter, I suddenly found myself being able to relate too well. A pit of darkness.

This is something that I have struggled with for many years. I just didn't put it all together. First, it was after baby 4. I had a rough time. I didn't tell anyone. I just cried in my corner. Then put on my happy face and went about my day. Until, I needed my corner again.

With each baby, my darkness after them grew. I just didn't realize it. One morning I snapped... there was laundry, beds unmade and an over all mess. Lined at the door was my family, all ready to head off to school and leave me with the mess. I snapped. I screamed and yelled.

They went to school. I am not sure what Sanj said to them...but along the lines that mommy wasn't feeling well.

One of the boys teacher approached me at church. "Are you feeling better? Tyler asked for prayer for his mom. He said you weren't feeling well."

I felt so bad.

Over the years, I have really struggled with finding happiness inside. There so many obstacles.

Most of them had to do with my family. My mom and dad and brother. When I was dragged back to that world... it was so hard. Yet I allowed myself to be pulled back. They are my family.

I love them.

After my father's illness and reappearance from death... I was lost. Everything was dark. Everything was hard. Too hard. I remember so many times thinking how easy it would be to just end all the pain and darkness. I just couldn't see light. Not even in my babes. That scared me.

It was so hard to go to my doctor. It was so hard to physically lift that phone and call. It was so hard to say, "help."

Depression is something that many people deal with everyday. I never thought it was depression because overall I am a happy person. I like to have fun. I like to play. I love life.

I had a warped sense of what a depressed person was. I had a picture of the 1950s definition.

A depressed person or a person suffering from depression was me.

It's genetic. There is a strong history of depression in the blood lines. We just didn't talk about it.

You so often hear me talk about my happy pill. It keeps me level. It helps me be me... the me you love, know and see.

I am OK with that. I am OK with being a person that lives with depression. It is just a disorder like diabetes. I need meds to keep me being me.

So... why am I writing this? Because someone needs to hear it. Who? God will tug on that person's heart. I just know this is what I am suppose to share.

I have a happy life. I have a good life. I have help. My little white pill keeps me level to help me be me.

Thank you, God, for my little white pill. Thank you for help that is there.

Ask for help... if you need it. It is so worth it.

Love...

I was thinking of love today. How does one know true love?

How do you know?

My answer has always been, " You will know. Deep in your heart you will know love when it shows up."

I think that love takes time to grow. Yet I think there are those that find love at first sight.

Do you?

Love is patient. Love is also impatient.

Love is kind. Love also has moment being mean. Maybe being real.

Love is long- suffering. Love can also get tired.

Love is not jealous. Yet being in love with someone can make you jealous.

Love is not irritable. Yet there is PMS.

Love never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures in every circumstance. Yet love can be frustrating.

Love can last forever. Yet love is not perfect.

Love takes work. Love takes energy. Love takes commitment.

Doesn't it?

An Epiphany!

I had an epiphany.

I was at the dentist with Sammy (that is another story...). As I was waiting for the dentist to come in, I noticed his family picture. They are nice looking family of a mama, dada, boy and girl.

After a long day, I couldn't help but think of just having 2 kids. I suppose that would have been Sammy and Tyler.

I paused to contempt life with my two boys. Wow... how different. Quieter, not as busy, easier, cheaper and then I had a moment of unsettlement.

There I was tonight, and I had a moment of panic. It didn't feel right.

As I allowed my mind to go back to reality, 6 boys, chaos, loudness, clutter, laundry, messes, I had a feeling of utter fulfilment.

This might seem silly, but today, I had a deep realization that I am supposed to be mother of 6 rambunctious, lovely boys. It is what fulfills me. It is what satisfies me. It is the life I was so meant to lead.

It doesn't come with perfect days... but neither would my life with my 2 kids.

I am living my life just as I am supposed to. It is a good life!

10 Big Ones!!!

My sweet Max is 10 years old today!!!

I was laying in bed last night thinking of how to describle my Max. Sweet is the best word. He is a quiet boy, with a dash of craziness and giddiness that can come bursting out at any given moment.

He loves to dress in crazy ways. Halloween brings out his creativity. I love seeing what he comes up with. He loves clothes. He loves shoes. He loves little action men that he plays with for hours. He loves the trampoline and trying to be a gymnist. He is a lover of hockey and a hockey star in the making. He plays for the love of the game and to be with his friends.

He is a loyal friend. He is kind, thoughtful and real. That is my Max... real. He cares about others. He is a willing helper. So often he will show up and say "Mommy, can I help you with something?"

He is a great brother. He loves his older brothers, especially when they are being nice. He is a great big brother. So often I hear Josh and Zach seeking him out for help.... "Max..."

He is grateful. He is generous. He is great. He is funny. He is such a delight.

I went into labour 2 minutes before the two minutes of silence. Remembrance Day, 1999. I called Sanj at work. The pains were coming fast and intense.

"Sanj, I need to go to the hospital." My sweet husband said, "Hold on, Shhh... it is the 2 minutes of silence."

"SANJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ!!!!" was my reaction. Since my husband didn't have to experience the pains of labour, he still had his crazy sense of humor.

Happy Birthday, my sweet Max.

You are a delight.

I love you so much.

I am so glad to be your mommy.

Happy Birthday,Maxwell!

Beating Myself Up...

Today I had a day full of " I wish I could be more..."

Why do I do that? I caught myself as I came down on myself hard... again this evening. I was wishing that I could whip up a few dozen awesome cupcakes to send to school with Max tomorrow. (It will be his birthday!!!)

I found myself wishing I was able to be a morning person so life at our house would be smoother.

I found myself wishing I was better at budgeting so I wouldn't have money stresses.

I found myself wishing I could have more self confidence so I could do things that I really want to, need to and yet am scared.

Why did I beat myself up today? No one else did that to me... yet I found that today I was constantly putting myself down.

Do you do that? I know if I heard you doing that I would immediately point out all the things you are awesome at. I really had to make myself stop. Pause. Then give myself credit for all the things I did do today.

I have to make a conscious effort to stop that nasty little demon of self doubt from popping up.

I need really give myself a break... just sometimes. Today was that day. No cupcakes for my Max's class. But I will pick him up and take him for lunch. And maybe buy him a cupcake!

Oh My Goodness!

I had confirmation of what I suspected. One of my little men has a "girlfriend."

No, not Sammy. He informed me that he has seven wives. Somehow that sounds safer than one girlfriend.

I am not sure what to make of this. I realize that I can set boundaries and rules... such as no dating till you are 30... or only group dating ... but really if they like someone... there is not much I can do to stop it.

If a certain lady makes my little man's heart pound faster or happier... it is going to happen.

Wow. And he seems so calm and cool about it.

Didn't I just change his diaper a little while ago?

When did this happen?

I am going to be a cool mom. I wish he would talk to me about it... but he thinks I am going to be weird about it. (That is my job, isn't it)?

So I have been observing my friends with their kids. They seem easy going about it. They seem to know that this isn't anything to get too hung up about. It is a part of growing up.

Yikes.

So I am going to be cool. Set boundaries? Definitely. Keep tabs? You bet! Pray? Never ceasing.

Oh my goodness.

Equality

My in-laws were over last night. We celebrated my brother-in-law's birthday late.

There was food, cake and cousins. It made for a nice night.

Then it started. The argument of all arguments. It is the argument that seems to have no beginning or end. It is about equality. My in-laws insist that they were fair in their love with both their boys.

Sanj feels otherwise. lol His brother, Raj, is a persistent sort. Once he gets something in his head, it is hard to get it out. There was the time when Raj wanted a motorcycle. He bugged his parents to death for this bike. They gave in.

Then there is the story of the 10 speed. Apparently Sanj worked his butt off to earn a 10 speed bike. He bought this used one and painted and fixed it up. Sanj's version is that his parents then went out and bought Raj one. And it was a new 10 speed. His parents argue that is wasn't new.

Then they explained that Sanj was the responsible one. So they gave him a credit card when he went off to school. (Apparently Sanj only used it for gas). They spent their money on his education.

This is the age old argument that comes up. Then without fail, they leave by saying, "Well never mind, Son, we love you very much and equally."

I actually felt bad for my in-laws last night. They want so badly for their kids to know that they loved them. Equally. Yet since the reality is that there was inequality there, this argument seems to be an endless one.

What do I mean by equality? Well, Raj is a demanding personality. He is the one that got the girls, but only because he went after them. Sanj was too shy to chase anyone. Raj got a bike. But only because Sanj would never have thought to ask his parents for something so extravagant.

Their personalities play a role as did their roles in the family. Sanj, being the oldest was responsible and dependable. Raj, being the baby was catered to and let his needs and wants know.

I felt bad for my in-laws because maybe they weren't as comfortable with the obvious.

But that is how life is, isn't it?

I look at my own kids. Sammy and Tyler have no trouble listing 10 things at any given time they may want off the top of their head. If I ask Jordan or Max... whose birthdays are in a few days... they will say they don't know.

Jordan and Max are not the kind of kids that ask for things. They are content. It is frustrating because I know I have to think and listen so I can find clues as to what they may want.

So do Sammy and Tyler get stuff? Yes. More stuff? Probably. Does it mean that I love them more? No. It means that they are more demanding. It means that it is easy to buy for them.

It means they are brats. lol

In the same light.... I believe Sanj's folks are so proud of him. Education is very important to them. He gave them bragging rights. He gave them peace of mind. Because he always looked out for his little brother too. Raj has done fine for himself. But... they knew that Sanj would be there to take care of it all. This is something they are proud of .

Sure, Sanj would have liked something. But he never asked. So... where does this leave the argument?

The truth... the black and white is that Raj got more stuff. He got away with more. He was bolder in nature and therefore had the stuff (bikes, girlfriends etc) to show for it.

Sanj was conscientious. He never asked for things that he knew they couldn't have. He saved, earned and studied.

Yet as I watch this argument unfold over and over... my thoughts have changed over the years.

First, I agreed with Sanj. The favoritism is obvious. But as the years have gone by, as my understand of parenting increases... I see it through different eyes.

I understand how one child gets more "stuff" and how another may get more attention. I understand how all children are loved "equally" even though it may not seem so in actions.

I find myself looking for things to buy Max or Jordan because I want to bridge that gap. I make sure to seek Max (my non demanding child) to shower him with love and attention.

I also know that the day will come when one of my kids will claim that we were unfair. We did this or that wrong. And I am sure I will be there, arguing that I loved each of them equally.

Yet I know that the day will come when They will get it.

So, as I sat there last night, listening and watching my in-laws... I felt for them.

But what I felt was their love for both of their children.

I am pretty sure they love me more than my sister-in-law... if the truth be told.!

lol... Just kidding!