Dr. Sanjeev Sukumaran

Tonight my very own Doctor and I are going out with some friends to a yummy steak house.  

Yes, my sweet, super smart hubby is now officially a Doctor of Audiology...   I am so proud of him.  He was really stressed out  this afternoon as he waited the results.  I thought about distracting him by telling him I was pregnant for the afternoon! lol  Yet, just the thought sent me into a panic.

This afternoon, I had an appointment with my doctor.  It was scheduled for longer than usually.  I, being me, crazy and all, had this moment, thinking, "What if I am pregnant and she is calling me into her office to break it to me, knowing I would need to be admitted into the Nichols Building (our department that is for those who need psychological help).

Crazy, I know.  Yet as I was walking the mall the other day, there was this little itsy bitsy babe... all brand new and beautiful.  Oh my goodness, I miss that beautiful time.  I miss how their cute little bum could fit in my palm.  I miss that special smell of a new babe.   I miss those little sounds.  I miss all those little things.

Oh well.  Now I have 3-4 of the boys that can buy their clothes from the men's section.  Ridiculous!

My Baby #2 will be off to high school in just a few months.  How is that possible?  My little Tyler,  cried for 6 weeks straight about leaving me as he went to JK.  Can you tell I am still traumatized?  Life was so hard for him.  Change was (is) hard for him.  He loves consistency... routine.  Soon he will be leaving all that has been familiar for the last 10 years and off to a whole new world.  I know he will be fine.  Not sure if I will be.  Sigh.  He is such a wonderful boy with a great big heart.   I love this kid of mine.  Yes, I love all of you... Sammy, Jordan, Max, Zach and Josh!  Wow... that is a lot of love to pass around!  No wonder I am tired! lol

It is so gorgeous outside!  Sunny, bright, warm!  It is supposed to rain some on the weekend.  The boys are part of a floor hockey tournament to raise money for their mission trip, Sammy and Tyler will be going this summer.  5 of my boys are playing... X that by $10... I can pay for a few trips... at this rate!  :)

Josh and Sanj will be hanging out for the day.  I have to admit that I hope Josh poops in his pants at least once for Sanj!  I also hope it is the kind of poop that is so loose it has run down his legs.  To make it the best experience yet, I hope Josh doesn't tell him till the poop is dried up and crusty.  :)  I only hope this for Sanj, so he will know what he missed out on while he was studying.  Why is Josh pooping in his pants?  I dunno.  He has this diet that is too healthy, I am thinking.  So, often he doesn't make it to the bathroom.  We are working on him.  I am hoping to feed him full of junk to back him up a bit! lol

I am feeling my vibe coming back!  It feels so good to write again.  For those of you that take the time to read my rambling... thank you.  You flatter me!

Happy Weekend!

Babbling....

I have a bit of writer's block.  It leaves me feeling frustrated and discontent. I am in a funk where so many things I usually do, I haven't done in a while.  Last night, I had cleared everything and everyone out of my way so I could watch Grey's Anatomy. Yet, I chose to putter in my room doing this and that.  Sanj came home and we chatted instead and then went to bed. (Of course this is better than Grey's, lol, but it is not like me).

Today, a little while ago, my husband finished writing his comprehensive exam. Now he is pacing.  I thought he would be relieved.  Yet,now he has to stress about whether he passed.  Of course he does not have the confidence in himself that I do.  I am sure he passed.

The other day, I walked into Sanj office where he was suppose to be studing. He was online looking at backhoes and tractors.  I felt a moment of panic. Why in the world was he looking at $30,000 toys that we don't need?  I could think of a lot of things to do with $30,000!  Forgot the fact that I need a new kitchen (because I hate the one that we have). I would put in a pool with beautiful  stonework around it. Ok, that would cost way over $30,000... but think of all the pool parties we could have? While speaking of toys we don't need but would love, I would a RV to travel around with.  How much fun would that be?

When I asked Sanj what he was doing, he said,"You never know when you may need a backhoe?" Hum...you never know when you may need an  extra head, either!

I am hoping that next summer I can take the boys on a RV  adventure to the East Coast of Canada.  How much fun would that be? Maybe it is just a dream... but why not dream big? :)  This is something I have always wanted to do. Apparently they, the RVs are very expensive to rent. Anyone have one you need driven?  Let me know! :)

I am in the office today as all the usually staff had family emergencies.  Isn't that usually how it works?  I am here, answering phones and taking messages for all the  others to return since I no not the answers. There is a  LOT of white noise in this office. I feel like I am going to need a hearing aid, myself.  I did do some real work for a few hours. Sanj left with his buddy, who was overseeing his test, I guess to make sure he didn't cheat. I said I would man the office while he stepped out. Here's the thing, I am usually never in the office allow.  Sanj is always around. He ususally pops his head around the corner to see he walked in.   I am sitting here, the door opens, and I feel a moment of panic. What if this is a crazy person? I am unarmed and helpless. I look around to where they keep the panic button...all the while smiling and asking what I can do to help them?  How long would it take for the police to come?  I am tempted to press it and see how it all plays out... a trial run, if you will.  I would likely get fired,again.

Sigh.  At least blogging is taking my mind of the fact that I am alone.  Unless  I am reading, I really don't like being totally alone. Sad, isn't it?  I much rather be in a room, snuggling  with a warm body, reading.

Boring, is it?  I am sorry. I am really suffering from writer's block.   Yet,  I figured as long as I type, if a crazy comes in,  I can leave you a clue as to what happened! lol Maybe I am the only crazy around here.  Oops, here comes someone... 2 men,  olderish, with hearing aids...

Gotta run...

Bit of This and Bits of That...

I have begun so many blogs over the last days.  Yet none have made the PUBLISH POST button.  Now I am overwhelmed by all my thoughts!   So I am just going to write...

* Last week was a busy week of preparing for the Rhema Dinner/Auction.  Lots of work and yet the result was an amazing evening with lots of money raised to help families at our school who may not otherwise be able to be there.  $20,000 + was raised!  How awesome, isn't it?

* I had so much fun that night as a participate of the auction.  Sanj told me that I could bid on one big thing.  Oh my goodness... the whole adventure of bidding was so exciting!  Annoyingly, there was a few others in the crowd that loved raising the bid.  Yet in the end... I Won!  :)  (Yes, Sanj, I know, we didn't win really because we had to pay for it)!  We won an evening out chaffuered by our former and present principals in a limo to a yummy steak house.

*My mom was here and we were blessed with yummy food for the week.  Now it is back to the reality of cooking and cleaning alone.  The boys were surprised to have her fish curry tonight for supper that she made before she left and had hid from them.  :)

*This weekend we went into Toronto with the boys.  We had a bunch of stuff to take care of at the Mac Store.  My laptop, the MacAir (which I love) had fallen apart.  It has dents and bruises where a laptop should not have any.  This was due to my lax in judgement of letting Josh use it.  Apparently he bumped it and dropped it one too many times.  It was literally apart at the hinges.  Since we were going to the store, I decided to put away my pride and ask if it can be salvaged.  Guess what?  The hinges were a problem and so they covered it under warrenty!  :)  I had the whole screen part replaced... free!  It looks like a whole new computer!  I was so pleased!  This is never usually our luck!

Then... I have been HINTING LOUDING that I needed a new laptop.  As much as I love the Air, it is really not much of a heavy weight when it comes to storage and speed.  I kept telling Sanj that I needed a new laptop in order to begin writing my book.  I even stooped as low as gettting Josh to tell his dad (who Sanj can NOT say no to... at all) that his mom needed a new one!  As I was dealing with the Mac Genius with our issues... my sweet, dear, loves me to death husband got me a new Mac Pro!  Yes, I am spoiled!

Wow, the thing is fast!  Heavy and ready for me to write!

Last but not least, Sammy's iPhone was having issues. The first Mac genius was not a genius but rather a lazy one.  He said it was done for.  Sammy was so upset.  We were upset.  When I asked my genius for a second option, he did not agree with the guy.  Yet this meant another appointment.  Sanj went to TO on business today and stopped in to pick up my laptop.  As he had them look at the phone, they decided that since it was just shy of the warranty, they would just replace it!  A new phone!    As I said, this kind of thing never happens to us.  Thank you, Jesus!

*I had to take in our stuff to get our passports done.  $302 dollars later, plus a $100 for the pictures... we are free to travel for another 5 years.  The guy that helped me was a dud.  He must have been a 20 something guy with absolutely no personality.  None.  I was with him for half an over... you'd think he might have made small talk or cracked a little smile... especially as he looked at my adorable boys...  but nope, nothing.  I felt bad for him.  Must be rough to sit there, day in and day out with a cushy government job, great benefits, all sorts of fake holidays off.  Personality should really be a requirement, don't you think?

*Have you ever looked into your kid's eyes, listen as they say they love you and melt?  I am not an overly emotional mom.  I, more often then not, want to just say, "Suck it up," after they have gotten hurt and there is no evidence of the boo-boo.  Yet, I know a bandaid and kiss make it all better.  I am not the kind that gets too teary at events.  Yet, Sunday as we were driving to TO, one of the boys looked at me and said, "I love you, Mommy."  I felt myself get teary and feel so overwhelmed at the gift of being each of the precious, crazy boys mother.  I felt so blessed to be on the receieving end of their unconditional love.  It doesn't matter how crazy I am, they love me.  Wow.  I need to really stop more often and enjoy the gift that is mine.

*My last thought for this blog is a sympathy note to my husband.  Sanj loves his clothes.  He has expensive taste.  One of his favorite designers is Hugo Boss.  This weekend, Tyler comes over to Sanj and says, "Daddy, look!"  My 13 year old fit perfectly into one of his dad's Hugo Boss sweaters.  I think I heard Sanj cry. lol

Tick Tock...

This week is one of those weeks that is so busy.  Everything that can happen seems to be occurring this week.  Our dinner/auction is tomorrow.  I am really looking forward to it.  Yet I am dreading the before and after.  It is all good, though.


I love auctions!  Sanj hates me loving them! lol  I get so carried away with the auctioneer's voice, it is almost hypnotizing.  As someone out bids me, I feel the irritation of being out done!  It is almost impulse as my hand goes up again.  At this point, Sanj is looking at me, disturbed.  "No more," he is telling me.  I just smile.  :)  There is such a victory when that item that is desired is finally on my tally sheet.  I usually look at Sanj, absolutely delighted, saying, "I won!!!"   He looks at me and says, "You didn't win it!  We have to pay for it."


There is the never-ending question looming around me of what to wear?  I find this really cute dress... that would be even cuter with some heels.  I tried on some heels and felt myself teetering  in them.  As I righted myself upright, I caught the eye of the salesman.  I wanted to stick my tongue out at him.  I wanted him to try parading around in ridiculous heels.  I used to wear heels in another life.  How did I do it and what happened?  THE BOYS!!!  Back to square one.


It is all good though.  I have been doing good with my quest for self control were food goes.  Yes, I am trying again.  Hey, at least I don't give up!  :)  Anyway, I am trying to eat to fuel my body and not to eat when my emotions are all helter skelter.   It is amazing to me how little I really need to eat or shall I say how horrifying at the amount of junk I would indulging in.


Tick Tock... my time is up.  I really can't put off beginning my day...
I hope your is a good one!

One Out Of Every Six...

Did you know that 1 in 6 women are raped?  Did you know that most women know their rapist?  Did you know that 10% of girls that go away to university, will be victims of rape their first year?  Did you know that only 1 in 6  rape victims will report it?

Why am I writing this?  I have been thinking of it for a long time.  I was a victim of rape.  I am a survivor.  Everyone has a story.  Mine is not that different.  

Did I know him? Yes.

  

Did I trust him?  Most Definitely.

Was I vulnerable? Yes.

Who was he?  He was a teacher and pastor.

What was I doing?  Babysitting.

Did I report it?  Not to the police.  I wished later that I had.  I did eventually report it to the people that were in charge of his employment.  

What happened?  Not much.  Sure, he was "let go."  The funny thing is that these people, the principal... gave him a recommendation.  The church turned their heads.  When asked if they (the conference that he was hired under) knew of this, it was denied.  Hum.

Where is he now?  Back dealing with the vulnerable... back in the church, preaching.

Was I the only one?  Nope.

Often over the years, I  have thought back to this time in my life.  I think of those that did stand up with me, especially when I couldn't stand on my own.  I think of my rapist and wonder if he will ever be remorseful?  I think of the people in charge, who could have and should have done something.  I feel anger towards them the most.

Sanj called my rapist a wolf in sheep's clothing.  It is the perfect description of him.  Charismatic, engaging and knew how to get you hooked onto God.  Yet... there was another whole side.  I am so sad that I fell for the act.  

What makes me write this?  I have felt the need to write about this for a long time.  I have written about this under a pseudonym.

Yet as the years have gone by, there are so many with the same story as mine.  Just a little different backdrop yet the shock, horror, fear, disbelief, anger, sadness ... all are there for each of us.

I talked to someone who never shared it with anyone.  She is my age.  Wow.  I can't image holding that in.  Actually, it is the worst thing to do.  It is not your fault.  It can't be.  No... means N O!  Stop... means S T O P!  Don't means DO NOT!!!

So I write this to say... you are not alone.  You are one of many, many women.  It is something that we need to speak out about.  We are not the ones that should be embarrassed.  We are the ones that need to speak out.   This is where my issues with church lie.  Why are they protecting each other?  What if it was their daughter?  Would they still have each other's back?  What if these people were to experience rape?  Would churches still hire these criminals then?

OK... I have issues.  Yet most of it is stuff that I have had to let God deal with .  Justice is His and only His.  I have to be content that I do my part.  Part of that is to take a stand.  I want to be able to say loud and clear that I am have been a victim.  I am nobody's victim now. That is where it stops.  

As a mom of 6 sons, this is something that has shouted out to me.  I am in charge of teaching 6 soon to be men that woman deserve utmost respect.  Women are a gift from God.  Eve was a gift to Adam.  They are to be loved, cherished and respected.  They are to understand and listen.  No means NO! Stop mean STOP!  Don't means DO NOT!

This is such an important blog to me.  I waited forever to write it.  I wanted it to be right.  I want this, my story, to make a difference.  SO... I want to write and say, if you, too, have been a victim of rape, you are not alone.  Don't be alone.  Find a friend.  Share.  Pay a therapist.  They have to keep the information confidential.  Write in anonyomously.  Please just don't keep your pain and sadness locked in.  It isn't healthy or worth it.  Sharing  your pain is part of healing.


I am talking about rape.  Yet, there are so many other terms that simply mean violation.  If you are sexually touched in any way that was not wanted... it is a crime.  It is wrong.  Your body is yours.  No one has a right to any part of it.

1 out of 6 women are raped.  That do not mean that each of those 6 women must stay a victim.  It is in our power to change that!  Be that survivor! 

A Hurt Nose and A Hurt Finger...

Today is a new week.  Lot of stuff to do and check off my list.  This Friday night is our school's Dinner and Auction.  So it is a week of putting it all together.  I have to finish up the boys passports (just have to get the guarantee part done).  I have an eye appointment for me and need to book a few for some of the boys.  Sammy has his Algebra project to complete.  So it goes...


This weekend while visiting the in-laws, Sammy and Tyler got into a playful fight.  It was comical, I suppose.  Sanj was the "ref" that just watched.  I was yelling at him to make them stop.  Obviously, he did not see the need.  I told him that he was on ER duty.


Sure enough, we get home.  Sammy is convinced Tyler broke his nose.  Since he could tell me this, with no crying or blood, I wasn't worried.  Tyler, on the other hand, comes into the room with his right index finger all swollen.  "I think it is broken," he says.  I looked at Sanj.  This is his writing, typing hand, this is his hand that he practices guitar and needs when he goes to the washroom.


Tyler was up most of the night.  Apparently at some point, he fell off his bed and was really hurting.  Here's the thing, we are 99% sure it is more sprained then broken.  This is usually the case.  Yet, there is that 1% that you can't help but wonder, "What if it IS broken?"


At the  end of the drama, Tyler want me not Daddy to take him to the emerg.  Lucky me!  I am feeling lousy... (cramp, yes, again) but when mommy duty calls, one must rise to the calling, right?


Lucky for us, we were in and out in an hour and half!!!  Of course, the nurses and doctor found the whole bit amusing.  When asked what happened, he said, "Um, I hurt it on my brother's nose!"  lol


 It was not broken but obviously badly hurt.  She splinted it and wrapped it nicely for him.  No basketball!  Suddenly, this was all not so funny.  Now I had a moody teen, trying to convince me that he can play b-dall.  Yet, he gets home and has to go bathroom, lol, oh bother... how is this going to work?!! hehe...


I love my boys.  They are hilarious!

Degrees and Date Night

Today Sanj finished his last classwork for his Doctorate degree! Yeah!  He has his comprehensive test at the end of the month and then it is all over.  You would think, at least.  Yet, if you are a workaholic as my husband is, that time that was once taken seems like empty time.  I already can see the look of restlessness in him.  Brothers.  Yes, I know, I am pretty sure the field of psychology could have a field day with him!

Here's the thing, all around me are people (family members) that are working on degrees.  Masters and Doctorates.

What am I working on?  I am not sure.  I am feeling restless.  I am feeling that maybe I need to be i n school working on something.  There is however the little factor that I  h a t e school!  I am not the kind of person that learns really well sitting in a classroom, taking notes, and then being tested on it.  I don't learn like that.

I guess a degree isn't really what I am after (got one) .  I already have a B.S. after my name and really I don't think about it or use it.  I occasionally use the MRS. before my name but that is about it. lol  (It was sort of a joke... did you laugh)?  Oh fine, comedy hour isn't my thing either.

I want to write... yet feel so lost still overwhelmed by it all.  I have lots of encouragement and offers to  help.  Maybe that is the step I need to take.  I am also thinking of taking a writing class.  I just need to do it.  I guess part of my problem is letting go.  There is so much that needs to happen on a school night ... reading, memory verses, algebra, being in bed on time...  can and will that happen without me?

I need to let go.  I know.

We watched Date Night with Steve Carrell and Tina Fey.  Great Movie.  It was a little too honest and real.   We are that couple in so many ways, I felt uncomfortable sitting next to Sanj watching it during some parts.  On the ride home, we were silent for the most part.  A comfortable silence... yet then I thought, what if he thought that we had nothing left to say?  I said this and Sanj said, "I was just thinking the same thing"."

  

We are that couple that thinks, "We really should go out... do you want to?" Yet really, we just want to hang at home and do whatever.  Is that bad?


We are that couple that is often awakened by our 5 year old cannon balling us with his body, begging us( ok not us just me since Sanj has usually been up for a couple hours already) to get up while clock tells us it is Saturday and not yet 7 a.m.


I loved the reality of being intimate... the long version or the short... lol.


I love the annoying things that drives each other crazy... leaving everything open (cupboards, drawers) or maybe leaving hair in the sink, or the toliet seat up or the half drunk cups of diet coke...

It was a great movie.  It was shouting out the reality of marriage.  I left thinking that being boring and normal really is OK, isn't it?  

I would chose to marry Sanj over and over (most days, lol).  So we are good.... who needs a constant flurry of excitement?  Once in a while is good, though right?

These are my thoughts...  At least Sanj always knows what I am thinking!

xoxo

Left Out...

No one ever wants their kid to be the one left out.  You never want your child to feel hurt or rejection.  Yet most children will experience that ugly feeling of being on the outside.  No matter how much loving you give them, there is that moment when they will feel that pit in their stomach and no that they were left out.

Yesterday, while in line for the movies, I saw one of my boys friends.  Well I saw a group of his friends together.  This is usually the group that my son hangs with... at school.  They were with the dad of his hockey coach.  I felt weird.  My son was already in the theatre with Sanj and his brothers.  Would he see them?  Would he feel left out?  How come I was so bothered?

I remember Sammy coming home from school one day, upset.  He must have been 10 years old.  He said that his friend was having a birthday party and everyone was invited but him.  (What he meant was all his friends were invited but him).  I was unsympathetic, adamantly telling him that Mrs. Dingdong would never do that.  The boys have been friends since JK.  We were friends.

He was really hurt.  I finally decided to call and prove to Sammy that he was wrong.  I couldn't stand to see the hurt on his face.  As Mrs. Dingdong answered, I could obviously hears the happenings of a party.  Ugh.  I was hurt.  We had to drive by their house on the way to ours.  I was wrong.

Having experienced being excluded one to many times, we have always had party that is either all the boys in the class or the whole class, when they were smaller.  It really isn't about money as there are many creative ways to keep a group busy for cheap.

When the older ones outgrew a big birthday party, then it was a small couple of friends over to play... nothing announced to everyone.

Of course Mrs. Dingdong was entitled to do as she chose.  She let her son pick 6 boys, and her child, being a moody, broody kid to date, was not in the Sammy mood.  Yet the next week, he was.

It was a hard lesson.  As I watched this group of boys, my sweet son friends, engaged without him, it made me feel sad.  I really hoped that they weren't going into the same movie as my boys.  My son may not have cared, yet still, I felt bad.

I watch children do this.  It is something that is up to parents, us, to teach them.  I watch this happen with grown ups...  Sometimes I feel myself trapped with the need to do the right thing and yet the desire of not wanting to bother.  Can't someone else include them?  WWDJ?  Sigh... it isn't the easiest thing at times... but as I want my children to do... it is the right thing.

A Good Day!

I had the weirdest day yesterday.  I was still motivated to keep at the laundry and purging of clothes.  I got so much done.  My day was not long enough, to be honest.  The younger two took longer than usually to fall asleep.  The older ones too way too long to settle.

Sammy was given a popsicle by my friend at school.  Then, on the way home, somehow they talked their dad into a slushie.  OK... my son + sugars+ dyes= a very long night.  Yet, he was working on really trying to control himself.  He kept saying, "Mommy, Jordan did this to me and I told him not to instead of punching him."  Yah!!!  Then as I was making supper, he comes and gives me this hug with his taller than me frame and said, "I love you," and dances with me. 

I love this kid.  He drives me bonkers.  Yet oh my goodness, I love him.

OK... can I brag about my boys this evening?  First of all, I am the worst parent at sticking to something.  So I prayed for help to be a better parent, to find a way to teach and motivate them.

Here's the plan... my boys are forever wanting things.  Right now, Sammy wants a belt buckle, Tyler wants a watch, Zachary wants a pair of shoes... these are things that they don't need.... yet really want.

I really want them to do their chores, without the nagging or whining.  I really want to instill in them the desire to serve.  I want them to understand that if there is something that they are about to step over... maybe it should be picked up instead.   I want them to understand that as a family, we all need to work together to keep the things we have in good shape... meaning the house, kitchen, laundry etc.

I want them to understand that they really have everything they need to live well and then some.

Here's what I came  up with... instead of using money or allowance, I decided to use points.  

It allows me to vary the points or jobs with the different ages.  When they reach their points needed, they can get their chosen item.  Points need vary according to the price of the item wanted.

Name:  _______________________________

Week:  _______________________________

Jobs To Do:

Make your bed (2)

Hang up towel and pyjamas (2)

BRUSH YOUR TEETH (5)

Put dirty clothes away (2)

Dog Duty

Hang up backpack and empty lunch (1)

Chores: 

-dog duty (3)

-empty dishwasher (2)

-laundry (2)

-bring in groceries (2)

-put groceries away (2)

- pick up dog poop (5)

-take out garbage (2)

-extra chores ____________________________________ (5)

Acts of Kindness:

Not hitting back... come tell (2)

Giving compliments (2)

Doing a good deed for your brother (6) _______________________________________________________

Total Points:

What I am working towards:

Of course this is a start.  I gave points for things they should do natural, make their bed, brush their teeth, etc.  Then there is the motivation to go beyond and make efforts with a brother that may get on their nerves.  This week, they each are to try to earn 20 points a day.

I am writing this blog, not to tell about this because it is only the first day.  I am writing to brag about my son.  Sammy, you know, the one that drives me bonkers?  The one I am forever wondering what did I ever do  to deserve this craziness that sends me to the edge of insanity and back?

Here is my son's evening... first he was overwhelmed by the thought of even earning 20 points.  Yet, he soon figured it out.  He brought in the groceries, put them away, was very kind to Zachary, who often drives him nuts.  He even cleaned the kitchen and swept the floor.  (Usually when Sammy cleans the kitchen, I am swearing, while I clean it up again).  WOW.  I was blown away.

I am so proud of him.  He earned way over 20 points and to top it off, he confessed to doing something.  I know that was very hard and it touched me that he apologized and said that he wanted to be good.

I love my boys.  I am so proud of the efforts that they made.  

Thank you, God, for the boys that You have given me.  How I love them!

Please help me be the kind of mom You want me to be.

I love you!

Spring Cleaning, Laundry, Babies Coming Out...

The weekend is over.  It was the start to some crazy major spring cleaning.  One minute I was laying down, contemplating a nap and the next minute I was gutting out the boys drawers, moving bedrooms and making life for all of us easier, in the long run.

We bought this house with the idea of making two bedrooms in the basement for the older two boys.  After spending money on making the bedrooms, adding a bath... and all that stuff... they have not really made the rooms theirs.  I get it.  I wouldn't even want to be down there, as I am a chicken.  Yet.... I really wish we all knew this before we spent the money... that could have painted the house the colors I really want, put in a new kitchen and new floors... etc, etc, etc.  Sigh.  So instead, Sammy and Tyler's stuff ends up everywhere.

So I moved the boys around and for now, everyone is  sharing a room.  Everyone has a closet for their clothes.  Everyone has a place to be.  Feels much better.  Now to just get Josh to stay in his own bed.

I also realized the boys have way too many clothes!  WOW!!!  When the laundry is done... (whenever that is) there is not really room for their stuff.  I guess the key is not to go out and buy a new shirt when they don't have any but rather, just do the laundry! lol

In church, while we were all singing, Josh whispers to me, how do babies come out of your tummy?  I said, "Go ask Daddy."  Sanj looked like he was going to choke!  lol

Here's a questions for you, Jesus was baptized by his cousin, John the Baptist, right.  John the Baptist wasn't a priest or pastor or anything... he wasn't ordained, right?  How come only a ordained minister can baptize someone?

Please send me your thoughts... This will continue... I am just studying and trying to figure something out.

Aw... back to the task at hand.  Happy Monday!

There's a Party Going On Over Here...

Today I am feeling sorry for myself.  I usually don't give into the pity party even when I feel a need for it. Yet today, I am grumpy.  I am feeling sorry for myself for pathetic reasons.  I even know they are pathetic.  


- Today I wanted to wake up in a different bed.  I hate our bed.  I felt unrested and grumpy.


-Sanj came in, mad that the dogs got into the garbage.  Even though I know he had reason, it made me more grumpy to hear him grumpy.


- Nobody wanted breakfast that consisted of cereal.  I didn't blame them but I didn't really want to make it either.  Sanj was studying.  So I made cheese omelettes.  That soon turned to special requests... omelettes with onions, red peppers, meat, cheese...  I was feeling grumpy that I was chef to everyone.


-I had hockey banquet duty for Zachary.  Max had a skate with his friends/team.  That was fine.  I was grumpy at the disorganization that was at the hockey banquet... but it was bearable.


- We went to Blockbusters to return movies, get some new ones and some games.  Why was the worker a true _itch?  We did nothing to her.  She had a serious attitude.  The boys looked at me and said, "She's grumpy."  I was really angry at her treatment.  A man came in and she was pleasant to him.  The boys said, "She can be nice."  Her treatment was rude, obnoxious and uncalled for.  Yes, I will complain.


-That made me grumpier.  Then I had to come home and deal with lunch demands.  I left all of them (except Josh, who really does help himself) to fend for themselves.


-I did some laundry.  That made me grumpy.


- THEN it was supper time.  I hate cooking all three meals.  I hate it.  Maybe it is because everyone else is relaxing and I resent being the domesticated goddess while they are all vegging out.  Not nice, I know.  But the reality at the moment.  Then Josh spills or throws (not sure) his sloppy joe all over.  Sigh.  I count backwards.


Pathetic, isn't it?  I know.  I have a lot of emotions that have been running through my head this week.  Some of that emotion was disappointment, some sad and others unsettling.  Most of it, out of my hands.  I needed a good cry.  Yet once again, my tears are constipated.  Maybe none of it is really worthy of my time to cry over.


Anyway, today I was having a pity party.

Good Bye Diet Coke...

Today was one of those days that I had so much on my list to X off.  I got a lot done and yet there is still plenty more!  I was one of the science fair judges this morning.  That was actually interesting and fun.  I learned that I can't pretend that my Diet Coke love affair is good for me.  I know all the stuff... but today this little Grade 2 girl had right there in front of my face pennies that were put into a glass of Coke.  It was the best way to clean those disgusting pennies ... not vinegar or water.  Insert a bad word.  Sigh.  I didn't drink any today.

I also learned that is you water a potted flower plant (I can't remember the name of the flower but it was purple)... that the flower doesn't care what drink it is given... coffee, tea or water.  They all pretty much did the same.

There were quite a few gross ones, such as how many times you should chew your food... the sample then put into an acidic liquid to show it.  Gross but well done.

So, I learned some new things today.  I learned that I hate soliciting businesses.  We are going to be having our annual Rhema Dinner and Auction.   I am on the committee this year.  I figured that the least I can do is hit up the businesses that we frequent so often that they know our name.  Most will not say no.  They don't give me any big ticket items... (still not sure how you get those...) but I am grateful for anything.  Yesterday I went  into one of those stores.  As soon as he saw me with stuff in my hands, he knew.  He begins to give  me a hard time.  I know he is kidding but it was still hard.  My husband is a business owner.  I know how it feels to be hitting the same people for stuff.  The wonderful store owner did all I asked... hung up a poster, laid out flyers and agreed to get together a donation.

I left buying something I really did not need, just from the sheer stress of all that.  I told him to make sure his donation was more than the $20 I spent! lol

Some people do this as a living... I don't know how they do it!  The stress of it all made me tired and willing to forego Grey's Anatomy... thankfully it was an annoying rerun.

Did you know that sandwiches cut into triangles can mean love?  As I made the boys lunches, Zach asked me if I could cut his sandwich into triangles?  He had a strange look on his face.  I handed him his lunch with the triangle cut sandwiches.  He smiled.  Such a simple way to say, "I love you."

It is freezing outside.  Ridiculously cold.  I actually saw snow flurries.  It is April.  Brr...  Made we want to come home and get back under my covers! I have to make myself sit down and fill out all the passport forms.  Ugh.  That is a lot of forms.  I  am not looking forward to it.  Yet we are going to be going to the States for Sanj's graduation next month so I better get my act together.

 I obviously have nothing profound to say.  I am just needing to write.  Maybe it is a stalling tactic to avoid those forms.

If you are interested in buying tickets for the Rhema Dinner and Auction, let me know.  If you have a big ticket item that you would like to donate, please email.  sukreema@hotmail.com


Happy Friday!

NO Feeling Is Final...

Today I was reading this poem by Rilke that my cousin has posted on Facebook as she was remembering a cousin that died too young. 

God speaks to each of us as he makes us,

Then walks with us silently out of the night.
These are the words we dimly hear:
“You, sent out beyond your recall, go to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.
Flare up like flame and make big shadows I can move in.
Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don’t let yourself lose me.
Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.
Give me your hand.”
(Rilke)

I am by no means a scholar.  I wish I could be at times, wish I had the discipline and drive to be, yet I am who I am.  Of course, I don't think that is a bad thing... it is just a fact.

As I was reading this, I could help thinking of the line that  says,"Just keep going.  No feeling is final."  I am not sure what that is meant to mean but it spoke to me.  No feeling is ever final.  I needed to hear that.  Sometimes I try to work through a situation and deal with emotions that surface.  I just want to be done with the emotions.   Yet when I find those emotions resurfacing, often times I am so disappointed in myself.  It is because maybe I find disappointment in myself for not being "over it."

I think of my dad.  It is a life of roller coaster of emotions. Yet, when the unpleasant ones surface again, I am so dishearted.  I am frustrated that I have to deal with those emotions again!  No feeling is ever final.

Love is never final, is it?  It is a process.  It is a journey.  I don't want to be scared to live and love due to fear.  I want to love big, as this is how I love.  I have to accept the fact that I hurt big too.  It must be OK that my feels are on-going.  They are never final.  Feelings for me is what keeps me alive. 

"Just keep going.  No Feeling is Final."  I like that.

Logging Off.

This is Tyler. My mom never logs out of her Blog thing (You would think she wouldn't have to).  But thats were she is wrong, cause now I can get on and write blogs on her blog. So now I will tell you about my day. I went to school, came home. Thats about it. Be ready to read more blogs from me on my moms blog.

Life with Sanj...

I am at "work" today.  I am supposed to be billing and other stuff but in the back ground is this babe screaming!  Oh my gosh, some sounds really do a number on me.  The sound of a screeching infant makes me want to run away.  Sanj does the infant screening for Peterborough at the office.  The mom is suppose to bring in a tired babe.  Sanj is then to put all these probe thingies on the babe's head and then he needs the mom to put the child to sleep.  It is a 50/50 kind of thing.  Often everyone is left frustrated.

When I am in line at the grocery store, and I hear a wailing infant, I feel myself taken back into time.  Suddenly I am standing in line, my toddlers are restless and  hungry.  The baby in the car seat is screeching that newborn cry that makes the breast hurt and my heart races wondering how I am going to make it through the next 15 minutes.  It was this kind of day that made me give up ever shopping at the cheaper, bag your own grocery store.  Sure I saved the money but at that moment it was more important to save my sanity.  The other store bagged my stuff and called a carry out boy to help me to the van.  You can't put a price on sanity.

I give up.  I take the file of work stuff and leave it on the desk, "I can't concentrate.  I will come in tomorrow."  This is one of the perks of sleeping with the boss! lol

Josh and Zach were suspended from school this morning.  The Health Unit did not have their records of their up-to-date vaccination.  I did turn it all in.  At least 2 times before.  Thursday evening I get the call that they don't have the dates from the first year.  This is Easter weekend.  Everything is closed.  Frustration.  My doctor's office is closed on Tuesday.  The boys think it is kind of neat to be suspended.  Breakfast with mom. Missing school.  It is all good.  Thankfully, the other doctor was able to help me out.  Suspenion over.  Back to school.

I had lunch with Sanj today.  He is so busy.  He is a self-professed workaholic.  By the time he is home, he is wasted.  Then he has the boys wanting "Daddy" and his homework is usually calling or he is off to a meeting.  So, often, I meet him for lunch.  He is still in his peppy work mode and I can have his attention for a few uninterrupted minutes.  He is a creature of habit.  Everyday, if he is alone, he goes to McDonalds.  He gets a Might Caesar Salad with Grilled Chicken with a Diet Coke, no ice.  Did I say every day?  Yup!

The ladies at the drive thru know him.  They know that he will then park around the corner and eat his salad and listen to sports radio.  Today I joined him.  I got my grilled cheese happy meal with a toy.  My comfort food that I desperately needed today.  I was done my sandwich and he was still organizing his meal.  I looked at him.  "What are you doing?" I asked.

He is so cute to watch.  He knows he is a little crazy.  I love these silly little corks about him.  After he cleaned up, he looks at my 3/4 full Diet Coke.  I always leave my cup with drink still in it.  Sometimes the cup gets soggy at the bottom and leaks.  It drives him nuts, my half drunk drink.  I  look at him and smile.  "You are so lucky to have me!" I reply.

I drive him nuts.  The other day I drove the Denali bone dry.  OK...  it was late and in all fairness, I was tired and it was dark and I didn't realize it was so empty.  This vehicle is his true love, I am convinced. lol  I went out in the morning to start it and it refused.  Oh dear. I am in trouble now.
I intended to go get gas and put it in the truck before he found out.  No harm, no foul.  Time slipped away and I didn't.  I knew I was busted.

"Sanj, if I tell you something,  you promise not to lose it?"  I say.  He gets the look in his face that I am too familiar with.  "What did you do?"  I know he wanted to add, "now!"

Yikes, as  I told him, he gets flustered.  "The truck has a fuel injection thingy."  Oh dear.  I had no idea what that means but it can't be good.

Life with me is so special.  lol  This poor man.  How I love him!  I am so glad that he loves me too! lol!

My Boys...

Today  I had a nice day hanging out with the boys.  Nothing special, just a day at home... 

I loved that my younger two spent the day hanging out, being brothers, being secret agents and discovering being friends.  I heard Josh ask Zach, "Zachary, we are best buddies, right?"  Beautiful!

I love the thoughtfulness of a child of mine doing laundry for me, just because.

I love that no matter how big they are getting, that one of my teens will still ask me to lay down with him.  Beautiful!

I love seeing my boys reading.  When they find a book that they connect with, it is so refreshing to see the book worm in them come out!

Then there is the things that are not so nice to deal with.  One of the boys used a bad word.  He is not even sure why he used it.  I am so disappointed.  It isn't a word that I would want them to use ever.  I know that he is around this language.  He knows better.  I really hope that he understood his mistake.  I hope that he knows he is cool just as he is.  Words, drugs, all that stuff is so NOT cool.   

I was really shocked to hear that it was used.  I am sad that they are growing up.  I can't shelter them anymore.  I can only pray over them very hard.  I can only hope that the things that we have taught them for years will be present in their mind and heart.

I had a good day with the boys.  I am so glad that I can talk to them when I need to.  I am so glad that they are good boys who make my world so wonderful.  I am glad that they know we love them despite mistakes and choices.

I love my boys.  I am so glad that I had today with them.