My coaching session was about dealing with a old haunt. Having lunch with a friend today made me realize that I trust God with some things. My children... a huge one. I can't do anything more than I do to keep them safe physically, emotionally, spiritually...so I have to leave it all to Him
But other things... the haunts... the things that occupy unpleasant space in my head... that cause discombobulation in my inner space... these are things that I have not full trusted God to resolve.
I never realized that I was so pathetic. I want to trust Him. But that means letting go 100%. I am a bit of a control freak maybe. Or maybe I don't like how I think God will deal with it. Maybe I want blood... or want them to hurt or pay a price. I have so much anger. But really who cares?
Nobody even really knows except my inner being. SO what is the point? I am seeking peace. I am searching out and targeting the things in my life that are robbing me of peace. (Cluster flies don't count)!
So my homework this week was "What does my soul want?" At lunch today I was given the answer. REST! My soul wants rest.
That sounds so good, doesn't it? I have been making huge progress in the past bit. The peace I feel in regards to my father is huge and still there. Maybe I don't believe it is for real. But I am at rest with the fact that he is broken. Only God can fix him. Until then I have to take what I get from him... with no expectations.
So how do I get to the point where my soul is at rest? One of the things is relinquishing total control. Maybe I am not sure how to REALLY do that? I can say..."God, I give it all to You." I want to mean it... but how to I really do it?
Forgiveness... that is another step that I need to fully tackle. Real forgiveness for the ones I trusted most who betrayed that trust. I have a hard time with this... because I am not sure I like God's way of punishment. They really hurt me... I want to see them pay somehow... yet .... AW
This is why I am in coaching. I need a tutor to help me figure out the hard stuff. I pray before each session that God will use my coach ... and talk to me thru her.
What does my soul want? I hated homework assignments!
Once again, I feel like I am reading a blog from my own life. I am such a control freak, and have a hard time giving it all over to God. When I question why I think that a part of it lies in that saying, "God helps those who help themselves." So then I try to figure out my part and then His. I think the error comes in thinking that I have a huge part. I think my part is to wake up in the morning, put my feet on the floor and turn the rest over to God. When I can truly do that, I get the peace that I long for.
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