Trust and Obey

I had an epiphany of sorts...  have you ever prayed for something that you desperately wanted?  When you were young and a relationship fell apart and you were sure it was meant to be?  Did you pray, beg God to fix it... of course, if it was His will?

I remember this.  I remember not understanding how this could not be God's will.  I cried, hurt and spend unimaginable energy on this want.

What does it really mean... "And may Your will be done?"  Do I really mean that?  I have to admit, if I am truthful... no.  I know I should want God's will to be done but yet really don't want His will to be anything other than what I want.  Does that make sense?

I was thinking of this... of when I was dating this boy...  When we broke up... or should I say, when he broke up with me (as the boys keep reminding me)... I was so heartbroken.  If you have ever fallen for someone and then been dumped, then you know what I mean.  Being the emotional crazy one that I am, amplify my emotions.  I was so distraught. 

As a parent, when I am forced to say no to one of my boys for something they really want yet I know, as parents know, it is not in their best interest, it hurts me so much to disappoint them.  I fret over the decision and think of things to do that may take away some of the disappointment.  

I can suddenly see God, watching me, broken and begging.  I can only see how much He wanted to tell me to just trust Him... that He had it all under control.  He had something so fabulous in store for me and I just had to trust and look to Him.

This boy had always promised me that even if we broke up, he would come to my university graduation.  I just knew he would be there and it would be the moment that God would bring us back together again.  The weekend of my graduation came.  All my dearest friends were there... with their significant other.  Sanj was there too.  I kept looking for him all weekend.

Here's the sidebar...  ever since I became friends with Sanj my freshman year in university, I loved him.  I loved him as a dear friend and yet I always crushed on him forever.  He was busy ignoring me.  He saw me as a little sister... or something of a childish nuisance that he put up with.  When he obviously did not have interest in me... I moved on (so to speak).  I actually wrote in my journal, my freshman year, "Please God, can I marry him?"  Over the years, while I was still in university and he was working on his Masters, we stayed friends.

The weekend of my graduation, almost everyone I loved was there.  It was to be an awesome weekend.  Little did I know just how memorable it was to be!  The last night we were all together, we were watching a movies.  There were couples everywhere... and then there was Sanj and I.

Funny how God works.  Did you know God had quite a sense of humour?  He chose this moment... to show me His amazing plans.  He answered my prayers... the one I prayed a long time ago and forgot about.

I had to experience hurt and  pain maybe before I could fully appreciate the gift of love God gave me.

As I was processing all this, I had to pause and realize that now, when I pray as an adult, I really do mean, "Lord, may Your will be done in my life."  As much as I am so done having babies, I still often wonder how come God did not answer my pray for a little girl in my life.  How come?  I often wonder why?  

As I processed this epiphany, I realized that I am good with just knowing and believing that God is in control.  He KNOWS what is the best for me.  He knows why.  Me... I am just meant to trust and obey.

Trust and Obey, for there is no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

The Weekend...

It's 9:07 a.m. and my house is extremely quiet!  The older ones are still sound asleep in bed and the younger ones went off to play a game.  I love a day of no school and nothing on the go.  Outside is kind of cloudy and grey which makes hanging out even more enjoyable.

I love Easter.  I think I may love it more than Christmas.  OK... maybe I shouldn't say that because I really do love Christmas a lot.  I love Easter Sunday.  I love singing the songs of praise that celebrate Christ's victory.  I love that there it triumph.  I love knowing that all that is left is heaven.  Jesus did the hard stuff!  I can't wait to get there!

Thanks to the wonderful weather, we were able to have our first campfire of the year on Friday night.  There is nothing better smelling than a burning fire and marshmallows!  If you add good friends to that mix... it makes for a great start to a long weekend.

As I was sitting in church, Josh asked me, "What are you wearing?"  He was referring to the long black skirt I was wearing.  I replied, "I skirt."

He asked, "What do you have under it?"  This child has serious issues! lol

When we were in the bathroom, he said, "I hate pooping."

I asked him how come?

He replied, "It's weird."

My in-laws were coming for Sunday supper and we were going to do the Easter egg hunt.  Since we were off in Toronto for the day, Saturday, I just figured I'd grab stuff on the way home Sunday.  I TOTALLY forgot that everything was closed!!!

I wish you could have seen my look of panic.  My fridge was pretty empty because we were off and about most of the weekend.  Thank goodness for Shoppers Drug Mart ... lol... Yes, you heard me!  Thank goodness for a hubby that can whip up the most delicious spaghetti dinner.  By the way, I LOVE a man in the kitchen!

The boys had a great time Saturday.  We went to Frankie Tomato, which is an Italian Buffet.  Buffets are my boys best friend.  They love the smorgasbord of food... meat, pastas and the ultimate dessert buffet!

We then headed downtown to celebrate Josh's birthday (yes, again) at Medieval Times.  So much fun!  Remember me wanting my own manservant? Yup!  We had that!  I did ask him if I could bring him home... he said I had to ask the king.  Our knight, the Red One, tossed my a flower!  Tyler still claims it was for him... but since he kissed it before throwing it to me, I'd say NOT.

The food was a ridiculous abundance!  Since we were going back in time, there was no utensils.  chicken, ribs, potatoes, soup, all were to be eaten with out the aid of cutlery.  It was funny watching the different boys reaction.  The soup was not a winner in most of their books.  lol  Josh had no problem diving into his food.  Most of the other boys were in need of a snack on the ride home!

 

What happens after you take 6 boys to watch knights fighting with swords and whatnots? Right!  6 boys sword fighting non stop!  They were so funny!

It really has been a great weekend.

I hope your Easter was filled with family time and love.  I am so glad for a God that loves me so much that He was willing to do death instead of me.

Thank You, Jesus.  I love You.

Support, Lift and Durability

Warning:  This is a warning to all the squeamish men readers:  words such as bra shopping, underwire and support occur in this post. 

Today is a day that I had a yucky list of things to do.  I had avoided it long enough and today was the day I had to tackle that list.  Then last night my mother -in-law called and wanted to come into town and do some shopping while my father-in-law came into the clinic.  I was freed from that list!

On the way to school, the phone rings and my mother-in-law called to say that they didn't know they had to watch the kids (my niece and nephew) today, as they only had half a  day.  She was disappointed.  I was disappointed.  My list lay in front of me with no excuses.

It seems silly that I am avoiding the list as it really has a bunch of stuff that is me related.  Never-the-less, I hate doing the following:  a) blood work NEEDS to be done, fasting b) the van MUST be emptied and cleaned out (Sanj is sure that bubonic plague is alive in there) c)  the dreaded, almost as worse as labour, bra shopping.  See why I wanted to go shopping with my mother-in-law?

Sigh. So, first I went into Old Navy, 25% off everything, only today and got a couple of pairs of pants.  I hate pant shopping too but when I compare it with undies shopping, somehow it seemed barely.    Picked up a couple of pairs of shorts for the younger lads and found myself feeling sad... no more toddler size shopping for me.  The older boys are in the mens section!  Ouch.  How come the prices jump so much?

Anyway, feeling good about my luck, I headed into Sears.  In Peterborough, we have a little Bra Boutique that they fit you and bring you bras in your size.  Here's the catch... as I was trying on the stuff, I peeked at the price tags. I think I may have stopped breathing for a moment.  One bra was over a hundred dollars!  I don't like bras to begin with, no one but a select few would even see it, so what was the point?  (Of course, my sweet husband is worth it  but even he would screech at a $100 bra).
Sanj's response to this was, "How come men don't have $100 underwear?"  I am sure if you shop in the right places it can be found!

I left there.  That little visit was a few weeks ago.  Today, I was off to Sears.  I need one that caters to specific needs.  (Sorry men, I warned you).  After 30 something, one needs lifting, comfort and durablity.  I really hate underwire.  It bothers me so much.  Once I bought underwire bras wanting to look all cute and sexy.  After a bit, I had to cut the wire out.  It was like a weapon!

Being in my 40s now, I realize that Victoria's Secret is that their stuff is for the 20 something or those that are fortunate enough to be a A/B cup size.  I needed the heavy artilery. 

I armed myself with 6-8 bras.  I found ONE!  It was liking the discovery of gold!  I was determined to stock up.  I was without kids, and undressed.  I may as well tackle this ... that the bull by the horns!  Out I went for another round.  I wrestled, pulled, lifted and snapped.  After trying on close to a 15 bras  (I KNOW!  impressive, eh?) I left with 5-6.  I never have had that many bras.  Yet since I did it and found them, I was not letting them go! 

The last time I went bra shopping was probably a few years ago.  I don't want to have to go back any time soon!  As I checked out, I was complaining to the sales lady.  She said, "You are just normal.  Every lady hates bra shopping!"  (This was a revalation to Sanj).  Did you know, in heaven, men are going to have boobs!  Big ones!

All in a day!  Now it is off to disinfect the van and get an oil change done.

Today...

I had the kind of morning that was hard to get motivated.  I was attacking the laundry.  It felt good yet I felt paralyzed to do much more.  I finally got my butt in gear and headed to town to do the things that needed to be crossed off my TO DO list. 


The major one was reporting to the Health Unit that the younger two had their necessary shots.  I didn't call and let them know and today I got the call that the boys would be suspended tomorrow if I didn't get it taken care of today.  I am sure that Zachary would have loved the day off, Josh, not so much.  CHECK ✔!  Then it was off to get Tyler to the orthodontist.  Ouch.  New wires and sore teeth.


That was just what I needed... to be outside.  It was SO BEAUTIFUL!  Perfect weather, driving with windows down, the radio up and my hair blow drying in the breeze.  I love that perfect weather!


The boys and I went to the park for a bit and then to supper with friends.  It was a good evening.


Today I found a picture  of someone from yesteryear.  This person was part of my world for a time.  I lost them and often wondered what happened to them.  I stumbled upon them today, thanks to the wide world of the web.  It was a little weird.   They looked older and not as happy as I would have thought or wished for them.


They hurt me.  I licked my wounds and God helped me move on.  Life has been good to me thanks to God's mercy.  Yet I was surprised that I felt disturbed by their apparent lot in life.  Of course this is all my assumption.  Maybe they are happy.  Maybe life is good.  


Weird, isn't it, to be part of someone's world and then not to be anymore?


That is one of those life things I hate.... watching a friendship wander away.
I hate when dating someone stole a friendship when that relationship didn't work out.
Oh well... it was just one of those moments today that left me feeling a bit sad.


It also left me grateful for my blessings... which, of course, Sanj, is the biggest one!

"And they'll know we are Christians by our love..."

Last week I finally realized that my children have no regard for the clothes that they have.  They do not appreciate the fact that there is usually clean laundry always at their disposal.  I stopped doing their laundry last Thursday.  I told them they (the older 3-4) were responsible for their stuff.  I don't think they believed me.

Yesterday after supper, I called them down and had them empty the laundry room.  It was so stuffed with clothes, you could barely open the door.  I think they were a little overwhelmed at the mound that piled there.  I had them sort through for their clothes.  I told them that there lays all their stuff.  If they wanted it clean, then wash it.

I have to admit, it feels good.  I don't even feel bad.  As far as Max and the younger two, as long as it is in their bin, I'll wash it.  They have always been good about putting their clothes away.

Guess they are growing up.  If I want them to be responsible men, it  has to include laundry!    :)

I feel OK with the laundry that is my part because it isn't an unreasonable amount any more!    Yah, me!

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Zach asked me the other day, "How come some people don't think we are Christians?"

That question surprised me a bit.  I guess it was a judgement that  was made based on the fact that we were not going to church regularly.  I found it bothersome.  It has been on my mind a bit.  Part of my wants to react ugly and mouth off but I won't.  What is the point?  If someone is taught to judge Christianity based on church attendance... wow, won't heaven be an interesting place?

My fingers have had to pause.  I feel that age old anger surfacing.  I feel that deep frustration that people are just so ignorant.  

This weekend at the retreat, my girlfriend and I were talking about church, God and all that is in the middle.  I was telling her of my decision to go back to church with some commitment to attend regularly.  This was a decision based on my children's needs and desires.  It was a decision based on a nudge.  

I was then telling her about my dad's letter.  She asked if I got the letter after the decision to go back to church.  She saw it as maybe they were connected.  I told her I didn't.  I think that God understands my deepest hurts.  He knows me deepest fears.  He knows what I need.  I don't think that God would take the peace that came with the letter away, even if I chose not to go to church.  I don't think He is that kind of God.

As I listened that weekend to the conversations, so many revolved around church.  So much revolved on hurts and disappointments.  I really think that is because we expect too much.  Church is really a place to meet with others and worship God.  It really should be that simple, shouldn't it?

That is what I see it as.  That is why this last weekend felt so good and was church for me.  We shared, sang, prayed and connected.  


"And they'll know we are Christians by our love."

Algebra 101

Up until now none of the boys have brought home math that was too hard to help them with.  Usually they are able to finish it without help.


I suck at math.  In 9th grade, I was in a special math class.  I really appreciated my teacher, Mr. Shoun's patience.  Last night I was missing Mr. Shoun's math skills.  Sammy has a unit in Algebra that he is to do on his own.  It is called ISU... Independent Study Unit.  I have other things I call it.


Sanj apparently stinks at Math.  He just says he can't do math... that must not be required in the works of a Doctorate.  Um... my husband just got busted.  He says, as I read him the blog, "It's not that I can't do math... I just don't like it."   Wow!  Like I enjoyed pushing out 7 pounds of baby out of my being six times?  Like I enjoy cleaning poop and vomit?  Like I enjoy .... OK... He is in major trouble!


Let me go back to Algebra.  I am helping Sammy get part 1 done of the ISU.  Thankfully there are answers in the back.  So I work it out backwards.   Yet here is my question?  When in real life is algebra used?  Who really cares about what x is?  The only use that I have had for Algebra was to help my high school kid out.  Those that do use this in their lives, can't they just take it in University?


I guess I am not embracing the knowledge that I will get from being able to pass an Algebra test with flying colours and resent the fact that my kids have to be torched with this cruel and unusually punishment.

I was going to give examples of the math I did last night but don't know how to type the exponent on the computer.  Too bad...


At least now I know that Sanj is more than CAPABLE of doing this math.  I am thinking I am off the hook.  On the other side of this, it did force me to push myself past the point of comfort and guess what?  I am not too dumb to get some of it!  :)  That did feel pretty good!

10 Wives!

This weekend I had a glimpse of life with 10 wives!  Wow, what a difference!  The Mormons were on to something!

This was the weekend of the Rhema Retreat but it back a bunch of ladies hanging out at a cottage.  We had a really good time.

We went shopping... I tried on this very cool dress.  It was the kind of dress that one would wear if you were a movie star!  It had feathers on it!  When I tried it on, the sales lady said, "there he is."  I paused.  He???  A little creepy!  I really loved the dress!  LOVED IT!  Wish I was fancy enough to have places to wear it! lol

Back to my wives... there were 10 of us in total...  after we shopped, there was snacks in the car to refuel us, some-else cleaned up and off we went again!
Meal times were a breeze.  Everyone naturally took turns preparing the food, doing dishes and setting the table. WOW!  Seriously, 10 minutes tops and the clean up was done!

Imagine my life with 10 wives!  Every kid would have a "mom" to look after their needs, I would be available for snuggles anytime!  There would be no issues with laundry or messiness.  Meals and lunches would be a breeze!

There was a disgusting abundance of food, lots to drink but the shortage was time.

How come time goes so fast when you are having fun?

Wow... my weekend with 10 wives was so cool!.

Seriously, there is nothing like hanging out with friends.  There is nothing like leaving your reality for a few days and stepping into another reality that is all about you.  It was pretty awesome.  The commonness  was our school that we all love so much, our God and our families.

It was so good to just be.  I felt God's presence there.  It was church in the best sense of the word.  My weekend with 10 wives was pretty special!

Can't wait to do it again!