Monkey See, Monkey Do!

Out of the mouth of my babe:

S:  "Mommy, I am going to grow my mustache during November for prostitute cancer awareness."

Not sure what mustache he may be referring to!  The older boys are so fixated on their supposed facial hair.  "Mommy, is it true that if I shave that my hair will grow in faster?"  This is followed later in the month by, "Mommy, feel my face."  I did.  I wasn't sure what I was feeling for.  "Can you feel my stubble?"  So cute! 

Back to the topic of nicknames for the boys on my blog... T comes in to my office and says, "Mommy, can I be Sukulicious?"  Me:  Yum... NO!

I had lunch with a friend today... yes again.  This seems to go in waves.  I get so occupied with life and its constant demands.  Then I see my girlfriend, like the one I had lunch today with and wonder why haven't we spent any time together?  After that time spent, I feel so good.  Maybe not as alone...  better understood.  

Next week is the Taste of India.  Next week!  How did that happen?  I am feeling a bit of panic.  So much to do.  This town of mine, this community I am part of is such a last minute kinda of town.  It is very frustrating!  I know the tickets will start going... well they are selling... it's just that does everyone have to wait so last minute???  I have asked God for us to sell 100 tickets... 150 would be a huge gift.  :)

My mom is here.  The boys had supper already.  It is 4:43pm.  They feasted on rice and fish curry.  It is an all time favorite.  They love having my mom here.

Today I was thinking of God and how blessed I am to believe in my Heavenly Father.  I love that He gets me.  I love that even when I am disappointed that I can believe with all my heart that He, God, has me covered.  I know that the answer is not yet or maybe just plain no.  I have learned to give up the temper tantrums and just have faith.  Of course, just Sunday I was in the midst of giving into a temper tantrum... yet midway lost the energy.

My cousin put this on facebook...  the article is from National Geographics...  "This chart depicts the public acceptance of evolution theory in 34 countries in 2005. Adults were asked to respond to the statement: "Human beings, as we know them, developed from earlier species of animals." The percentage of respondents who believed this to be true is marked in blue; those who believed it to be false, in red; and those who were not sure, in yellow."

I can't image truly believing in evolution.  I realize that if I wasn't born into Christianity... maybe it may be more of a possibility.


Maybe if my life was not to crazy that I needed to believe in a High Power... in my God that this may be more understanding.


I guess this makes life more interesting.  Each with their own thoughts and beliefs.  I am just so grateful that my God, the One that made me, in His likeness, constantly makes Himself real to me.


I love knowing that there is a big picture and it is all under control.


As I struggle to make sense of some of my realities... I am so glad that the God that made me, understands it all.  Yet really, when I look at some of my family, it is possible to believe in evolution!   ;)


Monkey see, Monkey do!

Mr. and Mrs.

Out of  the mouth of my babes...

Max:  "A few years ago, I thought that  ladies peed from their bum."  Insert crazy laughing.

Tyler: " Today we had to watch the Miracle of Life.  It was gross.  That lady had too much hair.  If she knew that she was going to be video'd she should have shaved."  Insert his mom's face that has a very disturbed look!

Yikes...  I love seeing my boys learning stuff...especially the things that are about life and not learned in school.  Sometimes the facts about life can be so shocking!

I had a good day today.  I took my T out of lunch... and tried to talk to him.  I wanted him to know that life, high school, all that stuff is rough at times.  I wanted him to know that I think that he is awesome.  I wanted him to know that I really need him to talk when things are bothersome so we can help him.

T... instead of writing out my kids names I am going to use initials... since this isn't really about them but about me.  I was telling them about this.... and said pick a name you want me to use... this is what I was given...  check it out...  some of the names my boys wanted to be known as...  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCdmiZyyGjQ.  They are so silly.

If you looked at the calendar at our house, you would see that it is calling for more hockey!  Today Z plays @6 p.m. and JJ and T play @ 7 p.m.  It works out that I can run them in and Sanj will be there to pick them all up.  J was in bed way to late last night.  I am so glad that I can zip into town and zip back.  

I need to be home in the evenings.  It just gives everyone a sense of all is right.  When you have a big house load of kids, it is a blessing to have friends that are willing to pitch in with rides when needed.  

I had the nicest lunch with a friend, totally spontaneous.  It was a great way to spend a bit of time decompressing.  As she talked about my blog, she said how I change from topic to topic...  I looked at her... quizzically, wondering if this is a bad thing?  She said, "you never finish on the topic you start."  True... I am a bit of an ADHD blogger!  :)  So on a totally different note...

Today I was in the school and passed a bunch of kids...  some said, "Hi Mrs. Sukumaran..." others said, "Hi Reema..."  It is such a funny thing... addressing a senior person with their title.  Do you teach your kids to call adults by Mr. or Mrs.?  This is how I grew up.  Everyone was Mr. or Mrs... or they were auntie or uncle.  It didn't matter if there was blood relations there.

I kind of liked it... I didn't have to worry about names.  Everyone was family.  In the last years, we have another Indian (though mixed with other nationalities too) at our school.  They are great.  There is a chemistry that was there from the first.  As we were deciding what the kids would call the adults, it was almost an immediate and natural thing.  Auntie and Uncle... of course.  They are like family.  Actually at times even better as they don't come with the drama that family can bring.  I love walking down the hall and hearing their little ones call out, "Hi Auntie Reema..."

Sanj is old school.  He hates being called Sanj by little people... just saying.  It is a cultural thing.  It is something that is engrained in us.  Often I see teachers, for example, on Facebook... and befriend them.  Often they will say, "Forget the Mrs...."  Yet I can't.  There is respect there... respect that was earned.  

Yet, I see so often the kids using an adult's first name... is this a north american thing?  I don't know.  I do know that I teach my kids to always call someone their senior by their title.  It just feels wrong to me to teach them any other way.

So... I am curious... what do you teach your kids?  Is this no longer a sign of respect?  

This picture is of Z having roasted corn on the sidewalk when we were in Little India... Yummy!  The works included salt, chili and lime...

Stresses...

I feel as if I am drowning in the list of chores that has my name on it.  I can't think straight!  It is freezing outside!!!  I slipped on my flip flops to run the kids to school in my pajamas.  There was frost on the ground and on my windshield.   Brrrr...  My toes are still defrosting.

Getting the boys up today was horrible.  Half didn't want to go to school.  Tyler isn't enjoying high school.  He is such an intense child.  It is so frustrating and yet heart breaking.  Life is so hard.  Stress and anxiety just over take him.  He worries so much.  Today he just didn't want to go.  Half the problem is that he doesn't really talk about his worries and stresses.  He doesn't share the woes of being him.  I realize that part of this is being a teenager but the other part is just him.   If I were to guess, I'd say that socially things are frustrating.  There is so much that happens in a day and despite how little it really is, when you are in it, it is huge.

I feel for him.  I know that being in high school is not easy.   For him, I know that he is going to shine.  It just might be after these four years of high school.  I am not sure what is floating in his head.  I wish I could know, so I could help or at least understand.

This child of mine has always been an old soul.  So while Sammy can laugh off the rudeness of his peers... Tyler is usually appalled by it.  He does not know what to do with it.  I am sure he feels as if he is on the outs looking in.  He is finding his friends changing.  He is my child that does not do well with change.

Then there is Josh... "I don't want to go to school."  Today, I think it was more about him being tired.  I was out last night, doing the hockey thing and gym thing with some of the boys.  Josh doesn't  go to sleep with out me well.  So, understandably he was tired.  A little bribery of candy in his lunch did help.  I keep worrying about how in the world he will be able to handle next year... Grade 1 all day?!!!  I am so that change will happen and  maturity.  I hope so, or else it is going to be miserable for everyone involved!

Glad so many of you enjoyed The Poning episode.  Max is hilarious.  He has a real sense of humor and it is so natural.  I am not sure what to say aside from my boys are very rambunctious.  There is something going on at some point.  There is a constant mix of personalities.  There is so much testosterone floating around here that it is no wonder I am forever needing a wax!


Yesterday I was getting gas in between picking up my high school crew and the elementary crew.  As I was paying for gas, this man looked at me and said, "Are they all yours?"  Mind you, I only had Sammy, Tyler and Josh.  "Yes, I said and that is only half of them."  Normally I wouldn't elaborate but I said, "I have six boys."


This man says, "Don't you guys have blankets in the winter?"  Of course it took me a minute to realize that he was saying... haha... and I said, " You aren't saying anything new.  I have heard it all."


Really?  What makes people say things like that?  A piece of me wanted him to feel dumb for opening his mouth.  I only had three with me and he thought that was a hand full.  


I am always a little amazed at the freeness of a person's mouth.  I am the first to say that I am a pretty open person.  Yet there are things that I would not say or ask someone I didn't know.  Really!  Besides, what does blankets have to do with anything?


Oh well... I am off... Jordan forgot his project, gotta drop that off.   I told Tyler I would take him for lunch... which is in an hour... then I really need to go to the office.


I was begging Sanj to fire me... and he said, "You aren't going to find another job that pays you $1000 an hour."  Really?  Wow...  I guess I'd better go in.  Now... if it really was that much, I'd be in all the time!

PONED!

According to Internet Slang.com PONED is an acronym for  "Powerfully owned, dominated."  

Sammy got PONED today by his brothers.  If my Tyler loses it ... especially at Sammy... then it is well deserved.

I stopped at the grocery store that is minutes from home.  I was gone 5 minutes.  Max came in with tears in his eyes say Sammy was choking him and put him on the ground.  This is the video my Max took of the PONING.  Yes, I am driving.  Yes, I was looking for cops, prepared to say, "Just book 'em."  (Really we were 2 seconds from home... )

This is life with boys.  This is life with my boys.  This is a audio visual of my son getting poned by his brother! lol

This short blog post is dedicated to my social media guru, my brother, www.rajkumardixit.com.

The Hairy Issue!

The older I get, the more concerned I am with my hair.  I used to only have to worry about it being too curly or straight.  Usually it was doing the opposite of what I wanted.  In university, it was long and very straight... so I had a perm  (OK..wait, that was when a perm was cool, lol).  I still love my hair from university days.  It was long, lush (missing that...) and I never worried about it.  

As I creep up into the middle age years, my hair is a pain.  It is thin and still continues to fall out more than the occasional stand.  I fine this disturbing.  

I have blogged about this before but usually you see older women with short hair.  I don't look good in short hair.  As the grey hairs peek through, more so each month, I am vain enough to have this on my things I worry about a lot.

This article about Why Can't Middle Age Women Have Long Hair? in the New York Times got my attention.  Why can't we?  Who is to say it is a fashion mistake?  There are over 1200 comments on this site... I love it.  There is quite a variety of opinions.  I really enjoyed reading to as many as my ADHD self would let me.

What do you think?  I guess I hate that my hair is losing its once natural glory.  lol  I hate that I see spots that are thinning and obsess about it.  Even as I type this, I am thinking that tomorrow I need to make a appointment with my hairdresser to get a trim.  I do wear my hair longer, it is longer than shoulder length and always long enough to be in a pony tail.  Yet I have been cutting it a little shorter to give it a false sense of fullness.

SInce I am behind the camera, there aren't a lot of pictures of me, especially ones I like enough to post... but this is a picture of me having a good hair day...   What will my hair be like in 10 years?  I have a beautiful cousin, 10 years my senior... who wears her hair long... and its so natural that I don't about it.  She is my inspiration!  

Are you a long haired lady?  What's your opinion?

Trick or Treat!

How is it already noon... I was finishing up a book, doing laundry and watching Josh eat his candy non-stop... waiting for me to say "No More!"  He was in heaven.  I even let him eat on my bed... knowing that this will make me change my sheets... 

Yesterday, Halloween, was freezing!  It was 0 degrees as the boy and I walked house to house in our old neighborhood.  We really liked this neighborhood and if it was not for the lack of space, inside and outside of this house, we would still be there.  (Well, maybe).

I was so glad that the boys were freezing enough that we finished relatively quickly.  There is Mother's Day and Father's Day... my kids often wonder how come there isn't kid's day... well I am thinking that Halloween is a Kid's Day!  Dress up and Candy...what more can you ask for?

Apparently we had only one kid at our house, that came by on ATV... he said each house gave him LOTS of candy since he was the only one.  Good plan, eh?

This year since we didn't stay our long, there isn't an insane abundance of candy... usually I gather it all in a box after a couple of days and slowly it disappears or is forgotten about.

Happy Trick or Treat!

My Thought for Today...

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

Dr. Seuss

Me and My Happy Pill... Together Again

Michael Hyatt... major big shot... whom my brother encouraged me to follow, to learn the ways of the publishing world and a million other things I didn't know... said not to blog more than once a day.  I am breaking this rule... as first, i realize you may not even read this...  and second blogging is my therapy.

Remember I said I went off my crazy pill?  Well... that was a dumb thing.  I am feeling crazy.  I am feeling overwhelmed.  I am feeling very down.  I HATE THIS!!!  I hate that my body needs a pill to make me feel "normal."  I was never like this.  I was alway a happy go lucky kind of person.  

Ever since that ridiculously crazy weekend in Tennessee with my dad waking up from the dead, my middle brother going crazy and me feeling very unsafe for the first time in a long time... I needed a pill.  I found myself ... depressed.  I had dark thoughts all the time and felt like everything was too hard and not worth it.

Once I found the right dosage and pill, life started to feel much better and under control.  That was 3 years ago or so.  Then I went off my pill a few weeks ago.  Part of it was my doctor was passing on her patients to another one and truth be told, it was lot of effort (to me) to phone the new doctor, go through all the things such as a getting to know you process and frankly, I hated that I had to recite all my stuff to a new guy.  It was too much work.  So, I didn't.

I decided that I was better.  I did feel better.  I felt like myself for the first time in years.  I was so energized.

I am not sure what is happening.  Maybe I am crashing.  Maybe I just have a lot going on.  Sanj is gone a lot... with work, committees and hockey.  Often I am a single parent all day.  That would send anyone kooky, right?  Then I have goals and dreams... and I get impatient because my life... real life, keeps getting in the way.  Do the kids really need to eat?  You know what I mean?

So... I am back here again.  I am not as dark as before.  I am just feeling low and irritated.  My sister in law was here a few days ago and was reading a blog.  She looked at me and asked if I didn't care that people knew I was on or needed my pill?  I really don't.  Here's the thing, the other day I was actually feeling irresponsible about just saying that....  that I went off my pill.  That was not the best thing.  I know.  I know that this is so important to be monitored by a doctor.

Please don't do what I did... it was stupid.  I also write because I can't help feeling the way I feel. I can't help the lowness that comes over me.  Depression sucks.  I wish that I knew how to fix it.  Yet I know that medicine works.  I know that I need to go to my new doctor and tell him that I need to change the med or dosage.  I probably need a smaller dosage now.  I don't like that my hyperness is being squashed.  I like my energy and need it to get through my day feeling satisfied.

My  brother told me to write shorter blogs... sorry.  I do plan to follow that ... but this time I am needing to get this out.

I think that if depression and pills were looked at differently, maybe people would be willing to seek help and start feeling better.  I think that it is too bad that most seek help when it is really bad.  I can name a handful of people that need a happy pill.  Yet they don't see it for what it it.  They don't think that they are depressed.  I am waiting for the time when we look at depression as we do about wearing glasses.  I can't see... so I wear glasses.  I cant' help my feelings, so I need a pill.

I am going to call it my happy pill from now on.  I know I am not crazy... but I do like calling it that.  I realize that others could take it the wrong way.  I already know that I am crazy and there is no pill that can help that.  :)

So... I can't wait to feel better.  I can't wait to feel "normal" whatever that is.

Depression sucks.  So just swallow your pill.   And... if this is you... and you have not done anything... Just Do it.  Get help.

Thank you God, for my happy pill.

Baby Steps

This morning I had my Social Media Lesson #2 by the guru himself, www.rajkumardixit.com.  I was excited to spend some time on things that sounded very easy.  Well... 2 hours later, I can tell you that I am frustrated.  All I wanted was to change my blog template to a funky one that I really liked that had all the features I was looking for.  Nope, apparently that was too much to ask for!!!

A website that I needed to open up refused to open 2 hours later.  So, I am felt full of desire and yet very frustrated.  I almost feel like a man!  lol  Sigh.  There is nothing worse for me than to have ideas and not have them pan out immediately.

Grrrr... It is now 11:30 a.m. I have nothing to show for my morning of work.  I have kids home and lunch to be made and then to top it off, have to cart them off to the dentist.  I wanted to make butter chicken for supper tonight but am not sure that will be the case either.

I am whining.  I am so frustrated.  It all sounded so simple on the phone.  Yet when I go the new template on my blog, there was no obvious way to change the pictures from the skinny models in their skimpy outfits to ones of my boys.  I hate not being computer savvy.  

I don't know if I am even on the right path.  Do I have things that people want to hear?  Can I make it as a author, writer and speaker?  On my Twitter page, my brother wrote motivational speaker.  I was balking at that... yet I believe that if given the chance I can indeed do this.  I already have a list of things that I can speak on.  I just need an opportunity.  :)  Yet with that comes traveling... is my family ready for this?

I have to much on the go.  That is half the problem.  I am always mom first, then there is the bathroom project that must be finished.  This  means that the Indian Dinner and the Christmas Craft Show must be done...so that the money is there to finish the bathrooms.  As the bathrooms are being taken care of, there is Christmas shopping that needs to be done.  Oh, actually, there is Jordan's and Max's birthdays first.

In the midst of all this, I need to write.  Just write.  There is so much that is bubbling in my brain that I am feeling on overdrive.  Yikes.

Right now, I need to get off my bum and shower.  Step 1.  Then lunch.. then call the fix-it guy to tell me that my dryer is just a small, cheap problem.  Then supper to be made,  a 2:30 dentist appointment, pick up the my high school guys, supper, youth group and a dance... and make sure the other 4 babes of mine are having a good day too.

Guess step one is to get off this computer so that I can move on to step 2!

The N Word. The F Word.

I kind of wish for those days when I got home from school, threw my backpack on the ground and vegged out in front of the t.v.  I wasn't worried about supper, clean up, laundry (especially since my dryer is broken), going to the gym with Tyler, getting the kids to bed early tonight, lunch tomorrow and finally at some point later, bed.

I have a few minutes today because Sanj isn't coming home right away... (what's new...).  He is going back to work to figure out  plans for the business.  The boys had a snack and so everyone is actually just relaxing.  The last two days we have eaten out, on the run, due to hockey.  Tonight I am fixing something healthy, making sure there is the veggie intake and all that good stuff.

Tomorrow the younger crew has a PA day!  Yah for them.  I have an extra boy for the next 2 days.  I am hoping to get a lot done.  Tomorrow Jordan and Josh have to go to the dentist again.  That cuts right into my afternoon time... but oh well... 

It was such a lovely day outside today.  Very windy but bright and sunny.  I love days like this.

Tyler has been called the N word at school.  This is so distrubing.  I hate when people hurt my babes.  I really makes me want to hurt them... bad.

What makes kids use words like that?  Is there really a need?  Just using that word shows such ignorance.  It makes me realize that you are so little... so uncouth, so ugly.  It makes me wonder what hurts have you had?  Sorry, but it makes me really want to hurt you.

There is so many words that I wonder where they came from.  The N word, I understand that history.  Again, ignorance... we are not African American.  We are from India.  Dealing with this ignorance can be so tiring.  Sanj and I both grew up as minorities in the towns we were raised.  There was always prejudices and such ignorance.  I guess it is ironic that this is were we have come to... a small town with ignorances and the constant levels of prejudices.

Words... The F word.  Is that really necessary?  I heard kids using it... such young ones and wonder, do you really think that makes you cool?  I had this talk with my Sammy.  I heard him using the kosher version.  Why use it?  It is something that makes you look ignorant.    It is such a hard, ugly word.  Why use it?  There really is no use for it.  I really hope that some of what I said made its way down to Sammy's core.  When I hear the word used, I cringed.  I look at the person speaking and immediately my opinion is lowered.  I find myself classifying them as ignorant.

I hold grudges.  Is that bad?  Probably.  I am forever talking to my boys about forgiving each other.  Today I heard about this boy that hurt one of my boys.  I felt my heart race and still had the urge to swish him like a bug.

I am writing... but really should be making my supper for my babes.  That is the problem when you actually stop for a moment... all the exhaustion settles in ... you know?

This is a picture of my Josh and me... how come when he eats an apples or carrots, they look so yummy?

The Game...

This is a hockey post... simply because I have hockey angst on the brain.  I work it out best on "paper."  Yesterday we had 3 games... I left after Zach's game was done to bring the younger three home and get them to bed.  It was already past their bedtime.  Sanj didn't get home with the older 3 till after 10 p.m.

Sanj looked at the schedule last night before getting into bed and I heard him groan.  Tonight we have 4 games... back to back.  This means that all the boys play.  Here's the break down of after school:

Tyler- football practice

Jordan- volleyball practice

(I have a 5 o'clock meeting about the play ground equipment that must be done)

6 p.m. Zachary's hockey game starts and then it goes on till Sammy's game is done... at whatever time.

I am pretty sure Sanj could hear the panic in my voice last night.  He said it wasn't going to be like this yet all season, he wasn't sure what was going on.  It's a school night.  When we had hockey all day Saturday, it was better as it was the weekend.  Sanj would do the hockey thing and I was the go-for... you know, go for lunch or go for groceries or go for entertaining Josh.

I am not a sports fan.  I can' lie.  I don't hate it.  Yet, I don't see the need for it.  Why do grown men chasing after a ball or puck get paid such ridiculous amounts of money?  Why are they role models when so many can't speak properly or did not finish school?  

That is the joke ... to have 6 sons that love sports... live and breathe it... what was God thinking?  Maybe, obviously, He has quite a sense of humor.

I will be there first to encourage sports though.  An example is I think it is healthy for a Canadian boy to know and understand the basics of the sport of hockey.   They don't have to love it, like it or play it forever... just know the basics.  This allows them to be able to follow conversation as they get older, play a little occasionally if they want etc.  It allows them to be socially normal if they have been exposed.  (Of course... disclaimer here... These are just MY thoughts... not saying if you or your kid does not play hockey that they are not normal...).

I see the boys friends, especially the older two boys, whose friends were never exposed to sports at all... really struggle.  Even if it dad and son on skates, playing around, they will be a certain level of comfort with the stick and puck. 

(Again a disclaimer here... every kid is different... so there is exceptions to everything... I know).

I am losing my thoughts... but I was just saying that it is important to expose your children to things... even if you do not like it...  i.e. sports.

I was talking about hockey... about my lack of interest in sports.  There are 2 kinds of hockey moms... well actually I would say three...

There is the true hockey mom:  you know the kind... that live at the arenas, they are the trainers on the team, they are yelling plays along with the coach, they are loud and really almost on the ice themselves.  They see their kid crash into the boards and don't blink... "Get up... let's go!!!"  They dress for the sport... they are usual in sweat suits that have some hockey logo on.  Their hair is prepped as if they are going to play themselves.  I am pretty sure some of them have a jock on too, just in case.  They make scarfs to the team moms to wear in the team colors.  (Seriously, people... you have way to much time!!!)

Then there is the hockey mom:  she is dressed for the elements, sits out in the cold, always has her blanket and coffee mug.  She knows every kid's name just by their number.  (This always AMAZES me)!  Sometimes she has a team roster so she can check who is who if she is not sure.  She knows what off sides means, checking, top shelf, she knows exactly why # 2 got that penalty.  She is in the know and she is in the game.

(Just for the record, the hockey mom is the kind of mom I really am aspiring to be... well some days).

Then there is me... who is  called a hockey mom because I have 5 boys that play hockey.  I go to hockey, usually because Sanj can't make it to two games at once.  I go to hockey (this is really the dirty truth) because I want my boys to know I was there, watching...  if I am going to be there, I WANT THEM TO KNOW!  I want them to know that I really do care, since it is important to them.  They only way they are going to know is if the SEE me... so I make sure they SEE me! :)  

• I am usual not dressed for the rink weather.  I am always freezing and always surprised that it is so cold. Usually I have flip flops on or shoes that didn't require socks.  Or I want to look cute.

  

• I am always thinking of how this rink needs an extreme makeover.  Rinks (at least in Peterborough) are gross and ugly.  I hold the urge to go bathroom as they are so gross.  You may be better off NOT washing your hands in there.  

• Usually if you see me there, I have a book.  I can't lie, I really don't care how your kid is playing.  I am just there to see my kid, when it is his shift.  I love it when I am sitting beside a friend who knows this about me and will give me the heads up that my kid is on ice.

• I never understand when I hear a parent upset that they missed seeing their kid's goal... and what will they tell their kid?  Of course all of us, including me, want to see that prized moment when your child is responsible for a goal, for that beautiful sound of the buzzer that screams, "GOAL!!!!"  Yet, hello, there are times when it is OK to stretch the truth.  Really!  Hockey is one of those times.  If your kid says, "Did you see my goal?"  You respond, "It was beautiful!"  I usually will add, "I loved the top shelf!"  Then they will be pleased or they will be pleased to correct me that it wasn't a top shelf but rather a .......  (I don't know another lingo that would fit here).

• Hockey rinks are places that parents watch their kid on the ice and not their 3 other kids that are running around crazy.  So you can feel free to let your other kid run wild too.  Usually the real hockey parents are out in the cold watching the game.

• Always have change.  Always.  The rinks have great french fries.  This is another perk of going.  25 cents buys a hand full of jelly beans for Josh and also 10 minutes of no complaining when it is over.

• I hate hockey chatter with other parents.  Usually they are so condescending.  The other day I arrived at the rink literally seconds to see Zach on the ice.  Then the buzzer rang signaling the end of the game.  I looked at someone and said, "What color is our team?"  (It was the first game). A parent looked at me and laughed.  "Oh, I thought you were kidding."  No... person with 2 kids.... I am not.  I don't know all the jersey colors of my kids yet.  I am not kidding.

The other annoying thing is the comments... EVERYONE HAS A COMMENT!  I have heard them all... your is not funny or unique.  Haha!  "Oh my gosh, I don't know how you do it.  We can barely handle one (or two or three) playing.  How do you do it?"

Anyway, all this been said, I will say that I love the enthusiasm that my boys have for hockey.  I love that they have a dad that is equally enthusiast and spares me going to every game.  I love that my boys get me... they know I love them.  They know that I don't love sports.  They understand the fine balance.

So... Tonight it's Hockey Night in the Sukumaran house hold!  Go Teams Go!

*** Yes, this picture is of me... "playing" hockey with my pink hockey stick, I asked for Christmas one year.  lol  I think I scored on Sammy after taking him out! :)

Peace and Understanding

Britt Merrick... "God doesn’t promise us understanding. He promises us peace beyond understanding. Trust more, question less."  I saw this on his tweet... I have been following him on and off for a while.  he is a pastor in California... (Goggle him to check out his info).  His daughter has cancer... had it, was in remission and its back again.

God doesn't promise us understanding...  He promised PEACE BEYOND UNDERSTANDING!  I love this.  This is where I am with my family.  I suppose for  years, I waited and wanted that family that everyone else seemed to have.  Then I had my own family... and for lack of a better word, was distracted by raising a family.  In that time, I was trying to figure it all out.  Did my dad love me?  If so, how could he hurt us so badly?  What about my mom... why did she stay with him?  Why didn't she leave him in order to protect us?  How do you become normal?  Is it possible?  Is this craziness genetic?  How will I be as a parent?  Why did God allow my dad to awake from the dead?  WHY?   What was the point?  Why am I only having my questions rather than finding answers?   I could continue... but you get the point.  The questions never stopped.  I wanted... needed understanding.  There is nothing more frustrating than looking, seeking and not finding.

As I read this quote... it hit me.  More than likely, there is not going to be understanding.  I guess until tonight, I wasn't sure that I could just be with out seeking the answers, without knowing answers.  This weekend, as I spent those 24 hours with my dad in my house, I had a sense of peace.  I didn't even know that was what I was feeling.  Not peace as in all is well and perfect ... but rather I believe I was feeling the peace despite the not understanding.  Peace that passeth all understanding.  

My dad sat in pretty much the same spot the 24 hours... in silence, unless we spoke to him.  I didn't know what to make of this.  I suppose a part of my felt like this was my brother's problem since he brought him here... yet the part of me that entertains wanted to make sure he was comfortable.

He just sat there... watched it all.  What was he thinking?  I don't know.  Yet, there was always a part of me that wanted my dad to know that I am a success...  as a mom (that is a funny one, isn't it... but it is relative, I suppose).   I am a good wife.  I am a good citizen.  I did wish I could tell him I was a writer, a photographer and yet I was not comfortable telling him that he has given me so much content to write about.  I wanted him to know that my boys are great.  They are so loveable and delightful and how much he has missed out on due to his own selfishness and actions.

I can't deny that these thoughts went through my mind.  Daddy... I am someone you would be proud of if you KNEW me.  Daddy... You have missed out so much of me.  You have missed out.  You have lost so much.  Daddy....  DO you CARE?

Yet at some point... as I watched him sit there... just sit there... I realized that I am blessed in spite of him.  God has been so good to me.  He has showered me with so much that I really can't spend time mourning a daddy I didn't have.

There is no understanding.  My dad doesn't understand himself.  This I am sure.  There is sickness that only God and heaven can cure.  It is all beyond me.  I won't have the answers.  I don't think that my dad will ever know that by his inability to be my dad in every sense of the word, he has left a hole in me.  It will always be there.

Yet... I do believe that peace that passed the understanding was filling me this weekend.  It was not a instant fill... but I believe a slow one... that God is filling my soul with peace that is beyond understanding.

I love that.  Again, my God... is looking out for me.  He is filling that hole... over the years He has been filling it... I was just not paying attention... I was just looking at the hole.   Funny... isn't it?  God is always steps ahead of me.  I am so glad.  I am so glad that He is in control.  I just wish that I could keep that faith in my head and heart all the time.   So glad that God is so patient.  I am such a child... when it comes to being His kid.


"God doesn’t promise us understanding. He promises us peace beyond understanding. Trust more, question less."   This is my next step... to Trust more and question less.