Nightmare!

Last night I had an assortment of dreams. There was no reason or rhyme.

But the last bit of my dream was a reoccurring nightmare.

A bunch of my teeth fell out! Oh my gosh! Why do I keep having this dream?

I heard this is common... others told me that they dream this too.

It is so disturbing to me.

I haven't been to the dentist lately. Maybe this is my reminder.

I don't wanna lose my teeth!

So I googled dream interpretation of loosing teeth... here is what I found... although many websites had various meanings. This is found from www.dreammoods.com:

One theory is that dreams about your teeth reflect your anxiety about your appearance and how others perceive you. Sadly, we live in a world where good looks are valued highly and your teeth play an important role in conveying that image. Teeth are used in the game of flirtations, whether it be a dazzling and gleaming smile or affectionate necking. These dreams may stem from a fear of your sexual impotence or the consequences of getting old. Teeth are an important feature of our attractiveness and presentation to others. Everybody worries about how they appear to others. Caring about our appearance is natural and healthy.

This is interesting enough because I am always nagging myself about my health and exercise. I am forever thinking Monday will the a new week!!!

Another rationalization for these falling teeth dream may be rooted in your fear of being embarrassed or making a fool of yourself in some specific situation. These dreams are an over-exaggeration of your worries and anxiety.

I feel this way while at work at Sanj's office. Everything is so new and intimidating. Since I know there are people there waiting for me to fail (no not Sanj... lol), it only adds to my agitation.

Teeth are used to bite, tear, chew and gnaw. In this regard, teeth represent power. And the loss of teeth in your dream may be from a sense of powerlessness. Are you lacking power in some current situation? Perhaps you are having difficulties expressing yourself or getting your point across. You feel frustrated when your voice is not being heard. You may be experiencing feelings of inferiority and a lack of self-confidence in some situation or relationship in your life. This dream is an indication that you need to be more assertive and believe in the value of your own opinion.

Hum... again, perhaps in the work environment again. Lately I have been having thoughts of being the Bitch that I know is in me, waiting to come out and blow up. Tick Tock...

In the latest research, it has been shown that women in menopause have frequent dreams about teeth. This may be related to getting older and/or feeling unattractive and less feminine.

Traditionally, it was thought that dreaming that you did not have teeth, represent malnutrition which may be applicable to some dreamers.

Other Perspectives

A scriptural interpretation for bad or falling teeth indicate that you are putting your faith, trust, and beliefs in what man thinks rather than in the word of God. The bible says that God speaks once, yea twice in a dream or a vision in order to hide pride from us, to keep us back from the pit, to open our ears (spiritually) and to instruct and correct us.

In the Greek culture, when you dream about loose, rotten, or missing teeth, it indicates that a family member or close friend is very sick or even near death.

According to the Chinese, there is a saying that your teeth will fall out if your are telling lies.

It has also been said that if you dream of your teeth falling out, then it symbolizes money. This is based on the old tooth fairy story. If you lose a tooth and leave it under the pillow, a tooth fairy would bring you money.

Hello Lotto 649!!!

Well... I can say all sorts of stuff on this ... but I am really trying to listen to God rather than man.

I don't have any sick loved ones that are going to kick the bucket... that I know of.

I am not telling lies... except to Josh about Santa. OK I have told a few white lies here and

but that was in the interest of everyone! lol

Calling the dentist for my cleaning and check up that I didn't have time for!

When I Grow Up, I Want To Be...

When I know I have to get up, I don't sleep well. So at 5 a.m. I am up... asking Sanj if he is going to the gym? Not today.

How he gets up this early is beyond me! I am so not a morning person. I was really stressed today too. I just didn't want anything to go wrong. I didn't want Josh to be too scared. I didn't want he to be in too much pain. Since there was nothing I could do, I just prayed and worried.

He is so sad to miss school. I am a little sad about that. I really want to just lay in bed and snuggle with my once momma's boy.

Tyler and Jordan had soccer games during school today. They had fun, played hard and I felt bad to miss the action.

I haven't been to the office in a bit. I think so far I have only worked 3 days! Good thing I have an in with the boss!

Over the last year, as the time came for my kids to be off to school... I heard so many comments about being a stay at home mom.

Things are changing now, but not to long ago, it was not the minority that stayed home. When Sammy went to JK at Rhema, the program was just T/TH till noon. We loved that. Just to dip their toes into the big world but still they were home with me.

Times have changed. Now Rhema has JKs 3 full days... which accommodates the working family. The families are now more moms that work or moms and dads that both work and share the responsibility of children at home.

I remember one mom who had found out that she was pregnant around the same time I found out that I was pregnant with Zach. I was delight. She had been on birth control and was not happy.

We were walking one day, and she said to me (her children were 5 and 2 years at the time)... "Don't you want to enjoy your children?" The one thing that I hate about myself is that I don't have a snappy reply right away.

She was talking about the fact that my first three are a year apart. Then Max is 2 years younger and I was pregnant again.

She is a mom consumed by her career as well as making her kids something... which is great but at this age, they seem to be missing their childhood.

I never said this because I didn't think about it till after and it haunts me that I didn't. But my answer is that "I do enjoy my children. That is why we have made the choice of me being home with them."

How dare she criticize our choice to have a baby or to expand our family? It was to our house that her children came to play all the time. Did she not have that million dollar family? I would not question her decision to be a working mom, so why question mine to be home with my kids?

I assume that most sane people will do what is best for their children. Some moms are not meant to be stay at home moms. Some dads make great stay at home dads. Some couples have it so that both are able to do both.

Where is this coming from? Maybe as this year has come and I wondered what I want to be when I grow up, I really have found that I love being mom. I love what I do. What do I do?

I couldn't even begin to tell you... as each day brings on something totally different.

I guess I wonder if I am lazy? But then I can say that I don't usually have a free minute... because I have so much that needs to be done. But then I get a call from one of the boys... don't forget to come and watch my game. Or today, Sammy asked me if I could come and have lunch with him... How can I say no?

Don't I want to enjoy my children? Very much, every minute of each day possible. With 6 boys, there is always one that needs a mom to hang with or cheer for.

I guess this makes my time in the office, enjoyable too.. as it is a change to. Dealing with adults comes with its own set of challenges too! Sometimes I am lost, as the kids rules seem simpler.

My Exercise Time

I don't think I have anything of interest to write about today... except that I need to write.

I wish I wanted to exercise my body as much as I need to exercise my fingers!

It has been a very rainy day! One of the major streets lost power from lunch time on.

Sanj's office was one of those business effected. Bummer for him. This caused him added stress to the pressure that was there already. He has new software that needed loading and has to be learned. Since this program runs pretty much everything... it had him stressed out.

Josh and I were in line at Chapters with new books in arm, ready to pay for, when the power went off. I was so disappointed. I hunted down two of the books I wanted at another book store yet will have to get the third one tomorrow, hopefully. The one I didn't get was the one that I wanted to read first, of course!

I loved The Book Of Negroes. It was a great read, if you haven't read it. My new purchases today were Benny and Shrimp and White Tiger. They come highly recommended so I'll let you know what I think.

There is nothing better to listen to then the pounding of the rain and deep breathing of one of my babes on my shoulder.

Tomorrow Josh goes in very early for the repairing of his ear drum which has a hole in it. We are glad to finally get this fixed, as it has hindered him from water activities, especially swimming lessons.

This past week, 2 babes were buried from a neighbor church. It reminded me of the fragility of life. It made me cling to my children and realize that life with them is never to be taken for granted.

I hate having one of my children go under. Tyler, who was 4 years old, had to have his tonsils out. He was a big boy for his age and I believe the anesthetist gave him a dose according his to weight.

Tyler came out of surgery, ate the suggested popsicles and was doing well. The nurse told me that once he finished another couple of ounces of his juice we could go home. It was busy in there, lots of little ones recovering.

Tyler started to make a funny noise... I called the nurse over to ask her if he was OK? She called out for a passing surgeon and climbed on the bed as the wheeled him away.

Sanj had just left to go back to work. OK... I don't do well under these kinds of circumstances. I am not a calm and cool mom... if I don't have to be.

They had to rush him back to the O.R. and bring him to. With the dose of anesthetic given,

and the added meds after he came out, it was too much for his little system to handle.

Tyler had to stay over night and didn't wake up for 21 hours. It was very scary. The frustrating thing about this experience was the anesthetist didn't just say sorry I may have messed up. He insisted that Tyler had sleep apnea.

Whatever. It was one of those things that everyone knew... in fact years later we learned that he was being sued over this very thing. So after that experience, it is always scary to have one of my kids go under.

I love our ENT and have faith in him. He is very loving, gentle and has great bedside manners.

I know this is a minor thing in comparison to many things other children have to go through.

But he is my baby. He is such a trooper. He is actually excited at this point!

Josh said, " I am going to have surgery. Will they say 'Clear'?" Lord, I hope not!

Sammy is exhausted after school. So often he falls asleep in the van. What is up with that? Is high school that much work or stress? Maybe. He goes to bed quite early... usually before 10 p.m. for sure.

Tyler is dishing out some attitude. I miss my sweet Tyler. But I am ready for him! Tough Love!

Jordan's stitches came out of his leg wound and was doing well. But now it is looking nasty again. Gross. I am going to have to take him in again. Yuck!

Max is Max... nothing up or down... just Max. He is looking forward to playing hockey on a different league this year, with his friends!

Zachary... is asleep beside me. How I love his spirit!

Josh... well I better not start! lol

That is my update or writing exercise for the evening!

All in a day...

Slapping the Other Cheek... Oops, I mean...

The older boys had friends over for most of the day. The younger ones were happy to just be with everyone.

It is cool and rainy... it's time to figure out supper. Yuck. I am feeling kind of on the verge of getting something. I want to say it is allergies but I feel chilled and kinda achy. I got a couple of movies... Sanj has hockey tonight, the younger ones will be off to bed early, the older ones are watching a movie.

Sanj has been building his master piece all day. It is 5:45 and he is off with the younger ones to catch some fish since they didn't have a friend over. What a good dad! Let's hope he doesn't bring fish for supper. I am not in the mood for it. It feels like a soup night.

I am almost finished the Book Of Negroes. It has been very disturbing to me. I never understand meanness in people. I don't get it. How could humans treat each other like that and be OK with it? How is that even humane? Think of the holocaust? I sometimes think that there is a good thing there is a hell.

I see meanness in little girls and boys. How do they think like that? What makes them want to be exclusive ... leave out others knowing full well it will hurt someone?

I think of people that are mean and I think that it boils down to insecurity. Insecurity is such a nasty thing. It is a horrible thing to need to prop yourself up at someone else's expense.

I have been the "victim" of meanness. It is a result of insecurity and feeling threatened. I have her talking behind my back. She puts me down. She demeans my attempts at being helpful.

She is so threatened and yet so fake.

Lord have mercy. I really don't have time for games or her issues. And really they are her issues. I am there to accomplish a task and do my best. I can't be bothered by the pettiness of others. Yet I am.

Meanness. I hate watching it play out in front of me. I hate seeing kids act ugly to another.

I wonder why girls/women are meaner than men? Are we? I have seen my boys go at it, beat each other up and then they are over it, playing together the next minute.

How come we aren't like that? I don't think all women are like that. But we do protect our own. Those claws can come out.

So, as I finish the Book of Negroes and reflect on the history of slavery and intolerance... I remind myself to focus on all the blessings. Let go of the pettiness.

I am going to turn the other cheek as long as I can... but I would so love to just slap that meanness out of her! Oops those were my inside thoughts coming out!

Chillaxing

Last night was a great night. There is nothing I like better than getting a group of friends together and hanging out!

One of the favourite things I love about fall is the cool weather, colours of fall, campfire, coffee

and lots of children. OK... it was a bit chilly... but still lovely.

There were so many parts of the night that I loved. My favourite was as the adults were chatting by the fire, the teenagers sat with us. They were so funny to listen to. Mini adults... reciting movie lines... actually almost whole movies... Elf was my favourite.

Their voices so deep and yet not mature quite yet. I loved hearing the talk of lockers, tests and people in their lives. They are such a lovely group of young people. My Sammy is growing into a great man. How I love him and am proud of him. (Thank you, God!)

There is something about a comfort zone with people who live and believe like you. Those relationships are not to be taken for granted. They are gifts from God, these friendships are!

Last night at 8:21 p.m. ( or something like that) we saw a space station passing over us. Apparently it does this every night at this time! So cool! I really want to get a telescope... maybe astronomy could become a hobby!

Then after all was said and done... the last little person put to bed... it was good night all.

Until 3 a.m. Sanj wakes up acting like he is in labour! I am puzzled and scared. Maybe he is having a nightmare. Maybe he is pregnant? Maybe he is crazy! I knew it.

He had some crazy charlie horse type thing go through his leg. He couldn't stand for the longest time... writhing in pain.

Two thoughts went through my head... 1) apparently his own body doesn't like his discipline of working out... his own muscles are complaining. 2) I am pretty sure I went through this 6 times for hours at times pushing out each of his babies.

He ended making it to the shower and waited for the contractions, I mean, spasms to settle.

This morning he was off to the gym, bright and early to "stretch!"

I am loving the morning... a few of the boys had friends sleep over, so the house is peaceful... amazing how added kids make them behaviour better! I smell the fireplace burning, I have croissants in the oven, hash brown delish baking... yum. This is why my kids love company... their mom hides the cereal boxes for a change! lol

It's going to be a good day!

Welcome Fall!

"All About Me" Day!

Happy Birthday to ME!

I love birthdays!!!

I love my birthday!

To say I had the best birthday ever would be hard... because since this wonderful man has come into my life... I have had many an awesome birthday!

I believe that birthdays are so special because for one day... It IS ALL ABOUT YOU!

I have loved teaching that to my boys. Everyone gets a special day... all about them.

My day started off around 3:30 a.m. Maybe because I wanted to make the most of it... but I think I was so excited that I couldn't sleep.

As the morning routine was happening I could hear the excitement of card signing, rustling of paper... shhhhh... all that good stuff happening all the while pretending it wasn't happening!

How I love my family. The boys got me some lovely jewelry that I proudly displayed today.

Then they gave me a note that said...

In order to find what you seek you must wait to be called. Once you are called you must follow the directions given. You will attain that which is precious to you by practicing the patience that age has brought you this day.

Happy birthday from us.

Sanj, Sammy, Tyler, Jordan, Max, Zach, and Josh

First of all...I am still not patient so they were torturing me! I was then given a envelope that said I couldn't open it till I got a phone call. Well I spent the morning in the rain watching my sweet Max run his heart out in the cross country run. As he was about to run... I got a phone call!

It was Sanj, telling me that I could open the envelope. Welllllll... I 'd left it in the truck. So I had to wait to watch Max's run... patience is a virtue, they say!

I went to Sanj's office to open it... and there was a receipt for the coveted camera... waiting to be picked up in Oshawa!!!

Sanj had a meeting last night, left it early to drive all the way to Oshawa (where a real mall is), got there 5 minutes to close, discovered they didn't have it in stock... so told them they'd better get one in for his wonderful wife by the morning! lol And they did!!!

OK... really a birthday isn't about the gifts... but really who am I kidding... it is a little! lol So as I dashed off to Oshawa... speeding all the way... I couldn't stop thinking of all my blessings. How I begged God for Sanj so many years ago... (while he was pining for another woman... good thing I saved him!) lol

How I love that he loves me so much. He is thoughtful, creative and all my heart's desire. What else could a girl want? Well today... nothing! :)

Then to add to my delight... Sammy had offered Sanj all his hard earned money that he has been saving for his dirt bike. All of it! Wow... that is a gift in itself. How I love my boys.

Today as we were at Costco wasting a few minutes while Sanj was done work to go to supper... a lady says "4 boys?" The boys replied, "No there are 6 of us!"

She says... "Oh wow... I feel sorry for your mom."

As I replied to her, "Actually they are pretty wonderful..." I wished that people could see the beauty of my boys.. They love me with a passion. They think of my needs and feelings ... they love me. They really love me.

So as my birthday is almost over, I had this special day to think of all my blessings. My cup is running over with love from my friends and family.

Thank you God... for the life you have given me.

Yes, today I am thankful for all of it.

I am so grateful for all the love.

It is really what makes me world go around.

I love you, God.

Thank you for being so faithful to me.

Thank you for my gift of life!

Baby Love

What a busy day I had! I thought it would be a stay at home and catch up day... but after Tyler called that he forgot his guitar... it was a day out.

Josh and I had a good time visiting the animals at the zoo. He loves going there. I guess when you are 4 years old... what's not to love?!!

Today he told me, again... about how he wished he had a baby brother. What?!! WHY?!!!

I told him that he has 5 brothers!!! He said... but I don't have a baby brother. Baby Love... must run deep in the genes.

I asked him if he would like a baby sister... he said no... unless it was Madeline! (That is our principal's daughter). How sweet is that?!!

It was a good day together! I have had so many comments on being a stay at home mom for so many years... It is one of my biggest blessings.

Peace Be Still!

I have so much to write. I missed my laptop... I fingers missed expressing my thoughts as they flowed out of me. I went to the Women's Retreat this weekend from our church. The place we were at was just beautiful.

I am such a people person... and so usually I love just being in the mix. I hate going to bed because I just don't want to miss anything. Yet this time... I was craving time to just be. I needed solitude which kind of scared me a little. So not me.

But I rested... really rested. It was so beautiful outside yet as I sat enjoying the other ladies and the beautiful view, I found myself needing to just go in and rest. I rested. It was such a good rest. I slept a bit but when I was pounced upon by friends... I felt so good!

There is always pain and hurt at weekends like this. That was overwhelming at times and yet such a reality check to the gift of life, family and love that is in my life. It doesn't take the pains away... but just put things into perspective.

There is a mom that lost her daughter 3 and a half years ago. I have had to keep a distance because I felt that pain do deep. Even as I type my hands go numb. She spoke... today... shared. Brave, so beautiful and yet amazing.

There were two other babes that died this weekend at another church family. A two year old... sick with fever and what not and then suddenly died. Another mom, pregnant in the last trimester... discovered the baby is died. This morning she was still in labour.

How do you comprehend that kind of loss? It haunts me. I needed to come home and hold all that I love with all my heart. We don't know how long we have with those we love.

I spent time really finding things that I didn't realize about myself. For example... how do I worship? Sanj worships through his music. I wish I had a voice to shout out my love for God.

But over the years, with enough friendly insults of the voice I lacked... I have always shied away from singing out. Yet that left me so unsure of how I worship.

I realized that I do not sing to others. I am singing to my God. I find worship through music too...even though I am not musical. I find God thorough song. It was so freeing! If I need to raise my hands in praise to God... then I am going to do it. It doesn't matter that I wasn't raised that way... I feel it then I need to do it.

I have found myself really questioning God over the last year. As my social circle grew outside my Christian comfort zone... so did the questions. I never really understood how someone could doubt or just not believe in God... I can't imagine a day going by that I don't connect with Him with my chats. I appreciate knowing that He is in control of ALL things. I appreciate knowing that there is SOMEONE there... there is purpose and hope beyond this life.

I found myself questioning a lot this year. Questioning is good. It made me move out of my comfort zone. I really had to seek answers for ME ... only me. I believe in God. I believe in a heaven. I believe in Jesus! I am so glad that He is so patient with me.

And yes, maybe I believe in all these things because I need to believe. Maybe if my life was perfect... with a great childhood and parents I could count on... I wouldn't need to count on my God or believe in My God... but I will never know that. Life for me was so full of imperfections that I am so grateful that my belief in God gave me strength... hope ... help!

So i am seeking my worship with God. I am seeking the things that work for me.

I was in a workshop about Quiet Time with God... or something of that sort. I realized that I am really who I am ... and God made me. I am hyper... I can't help who I am. Be Still and Know that I am God. I have discovered that it doesn't mean for me to be still physically. I really don't think I can.

We were lead through steps ... part of it being still with our eyes shut for 5 minutes. Only five minutes... I started to fall asleep. How sad is that? Does it mean I can't be still and worship for 5 minutes... no ... I think it means that I chat with God all day. While I am driving, showering, cooking... it is a constant thing. I chat with God through music... the words... and He chats with me.

I feel His nudges to do things or say things. I admit sometimes I am not sure if it is Him or just me talking to myself... but when I follow the prompting of my own conscious... I often know when it was God.

I have decided that I can't compare to others who say they hear God's voice or felt His touch... I wish I could really Hear Him... in His awesome God voice.. but I am at this place in my walk. I have to be OK with our way of communicating.

I have to feel good about MY relationship with God. It is, after all, mine. I am unique. He made me. I feel so good... I feel better.

I want so badly for those I love to see God for all He is. Yet I realize that I can't force it. So... I can only be aware of my actions and ask God to make Himself real to those I love in His time.

I guess I learned and found a lot of me this weekend. I think maybe this is what Peace Be Still was suppose to be for me. I like it.

It was a great weekend. I found so much ... so much I was missing.

I found my way to Peace...

Ideas???

7 sleeps till my birthday! 41... big ones. Since I just keep getting better with age... (haha) I say... Bring it on!

I love birthdays! Everyone deserves a day to feel special!

I found the perfect gift... well really I am coveting... today I got to feel, touch, use a Nikon D300!

What a beauty! I can't even explain the dance we did... my hands, its body... perfection!

So ... anyone have a few thousand dollars... and want to be my fairy god mother or father...

I'd love you forever!

OK.. for real... it is my thing to do this school year to take a class... learn my camera inside and out... and then... go from there. But that is my first step!

I am really intimidated about school... So really I am just scared. I don't want to know that I am still a horrid student.

Someday... soon... Oh... I can't wait!

Blessed...

Today I spent some time catching up with some friends. Good stuff! I love my friends... I love so many of you who just inspire me, encourage me and love me.

Can't get much better then that, can it?!!! Well... yes it can... I am going away this weekend!

I am getting more excited each minute! I love being with people... and yet love being able to have time to relax, be feed, sleep, read and hang out.

I am also really inspired to plan one for the ladies at our school this year again. I am just motivated again. It feels good! I love our school... OK I know I say that but I really do.

I get such energy there...

I am back on the Good Neighbour Committee. I missed it. I didn't know how much I would miss it. This is a committee of people who have a giving heart and spirit. We think of things to do that will give back to our community... and teach our children through our actions, how to be a Good Neighbour.

We make a home made Thanksgiving Dinner... turkey, stuffing, cranberries, pie... and NO PAPER PLATES! lol I have people that keep me in line! This is for seniors who may other wise be alone... or for people that just need to be there.

It is a great day... I can't wait!

Anyways... I am really looking forward to working with a great group of ladies... and getting to know the new members!

There is something about doing for a cause or person with no intentions of any kind. It is the kind of thing that takes people off guard.

I have ideas... oh, so scary! Lots of ideas! It is all good!

We are so blessed. Each of us... even with the struggles in each of our lives... don't lose focus of all the blessings! Just being alive is a blessing!

Just For My Sweet Cousin... Cynthia!

OK... it is near the end of the day, the fluff of my hair is gone for the night... but I do love it.

I feel like I have bounce! I am not sure if the picture really shows the difference. But I love the short layers!

I HATE pictures of myself... so Cynthia... I really love you ... because I am doing this!

Will Miss You!

My kids keep asking... "Where are you going this weekend..."

"Away... to the women's retreat," I answer.

"Does this mean we are going to the Mandarin?" I get asked...

(Some sort of tradition with dad when I go away).

They don't sound too broken up that I am going.

Sanj... hope you know what you are in for! Have fun!

Me...

I had such a busy day. It was very full... but I felt good.

I got a haircut... my haircuts don't vary too much... bangs... grow out bangs... layers... grow out layers... that is about the most I get as far as excitement goes.

I wish I could chop it all off... very short... unfortunately the one time I did it... my 30th birthday... I looked awful... I want a Halle Berry crop cut... yet maybe forgot that I didn't have the Halle Berry face to go with it! Bummer.

Over the last year, at least, my hair is falling out. OK... I know that every one has hair that falls out. But this is major hair loss. It's thinning... I am so stressed that I am going to be a lady with see through hair. I know ladies that have this problem and they are so graceful about it. I wouldn't be.

So... I went and got my hair cut shorter and with shorter layers. I am hoping to trick myself into thinking that my hair is healthy again. I am also going to take gelatin caplets... apparently they will help... and I am praying that God could spare a moment to the petty problem of my hair loss.

I enjoyed the time in the office. I think I enjoy messing of the computer. I always wanted to be a teller and play with the cash machine when I was a kid... maybe this is fulfilling that long lost desire!

I realized that not every one likes me... today. OK... really... what is not to like??? I realized that two people didn't like me. Actually maybe they are both threatened... by what I don't know... but I don't like the feeling of not being liked... especially when I KNOW I didn't do anything!

I went and looked for a couple of outfits for work... I like getting dressed up. I like shopping without little people opinions (although last week when Josh and I went work clothes shopping... he told me "You look fabulous!" Boy I love that kid!)

I am trying really hard to convince myself that I dislike food. I want to look like I see myself in my head. I have to pick up Tyler from youth group in a few minutes... and all I can think of is a quick stop at Tim's for a sprinkled donut or a hot carmel sundae from McDonalds. I have issues.

I got three loads of laundry done today. I was impressed with myself... maybe the busier I am the better I will keep up with the laundry... We'll see! I can always hope!

I am reading a good book... one that draws me into the character right away! The Book of Negroes... how do people write like that? Wow... I wish I could learn to do that ... but I really believe that it is just a gift...

I am going away this weekend... a women's retreat from church. I am so looking forward to it. I am just looking forward to being... just being... I am looking forward to being with friends... and I am looking forward to reading.... eating (of course) and sleeping!

It is just all about me... in this blog.

Wow... I still can't believe that there are people that really don't like me!!! lol

Sleeping with the Boss!

OK... I never thought that I'd be one of those kind of girls... but snuggling up with the boss seems to have its perks!

Today was day #1 of me being back in the work force ... well Sanj's office. It was good.

I had lunch was the big wig then worked a few hours and then was off.

Tomorrow I begin my day with a haircut... and then off to the office with my new do!

Perks... I will be seeking them out! lol

Life's Mysteries...

The first time I knew that living with abuse was not normal was watching Oprah. I didn't even know it was called abuse.

Then I learned about being a battered woman. I learned this on Oprah too.

Today I watched the interview with Oprah and Whitney Houston. I love Whitney's music. I listened to her through my teens as I daydreamed of my crush of that hour.

One of the things I have been so hard on my mom is that she lived with the abuse. She didn't choose to escape. I really never got that. I didn't understand how she could allow herself to be beat and emotionally battered time and again.

As I became a mother... I vowed that no one would ever hurt my kids. No one. It was one of the reasons why my father was removed out of my life. I didn't want my children to experience that roller coaster ride of hurt and confusion.

Today I watched Whitney Houston... someone who had it all... tell about how she lived with abuse. Yes, there was drugs... but it doesn't change anything. How can someone who had it all at her beck and call live a life of being abused?

I was slapped across the face... so to speak. May it is just something I am lucky to not have had to live through as an adult. My man respects me, adores me and loves me.

Whitney said that Bobby Brown was her drug. She said that she was determined to keep to her vows.

I can't help but wonder if someone with all the money and power is so helpless... how my mom must have felt. Whitney had her family... always ready to help her... she just didn't accept it ... till later. My mom had no one to turn to. When she did... she was turned away.

I guess I have been associating it with love ... I always thought if my mom had loved us enough ... she would have left. Yet... I watched Whitney allow her daughter to lived through some ugly stuff...

I know my mom loved us... and did the best she could. That is where humanness comes into play.... maybe.

I watch as my mother still goes to my father... to help him out... now. I don't understand it. I maddens me. Yet ... who am I to judge?

I can't. I shouldn't. I have to accept that some things are and will be one of life's mysteries.

It was quite a wake up for me to hear Whitney Houston live with these choices... her choices... and now her realities. It is also her daughter's reality.

It makes me see my mother in a different light. It makes me really not want to judge. It makes me want to just be... to accept the life I had... and grateful for survival. Now... grateful for today and the gift of my life now as I know it.

Makeshift ER

Last night we were over at friends for a party. All the boys were with us except Jordan, who was invited to a friend's house.

All is well until I get a call at 7 p.m. Jordan took a fall and gashed his leg pretty badly. They were going to take him to ER.

I am not a blood and guts girl. If my kid is hurt... I am more of a hinderance than help... unless I really have to step up to the plate.

Thankfully we were at two doctors house... who graciously said... they would stitch him up rather than us wait at ER for 4+ hours no doubt.

Jordan did really well. Me... if I ever need stitches... PLEASE knock me out first!

3 stitches later... flesh and blood under control... we were good!

Thank you Dr. Chandra x2!!! You are both awesome.

When the boys were born... we decided to have them circumcised. Back then, they would take the babe away and then return them a bit red and yet all good.

After Zachary... the doctor said he was doing them in his office. So I went unsuspecting... to have Zach look like his brothers. Little did I know... I was his helper. I was standing over Zachary as he looked so trusting into my face and felt things being snipped off... I am barely able to type... this.

I am so not cut out to be cutting or stitching any body parts.

It was a very traumatic experience. When Josh came along, I made sure that Sanj was booked off and there holding his son while he had pieces of tissue cut off... Maybe that is why Josh is the last one!!!

Poor Jordan is seemingly always the one that gets hurts... when he is away playing. He was a trooper! All is well that ends well!

Meet Mat...

Ever since Sammy was in JK with Mrs. Herder... the class is introduced to Matsitsi ... a little Kenyan boy whom they sponsor as a class. Each child is asked to work for some money... that they bring in each month.

Josh brought a picture of Matsitsi home this year. He excitedly shares his pictures with his brothers... as Sammy pips up... "Matsitsi must be rich... we were sending him money when I was in JK!"

lol

If you are interested in sponsoring a child... I have 6 that are available... lol or check out the many organizations...

Compassion International

REACH Canada

World Vision

These are the ones that pop into my head... so much need in this world.

It's That Time of Year Again!

This weekend I signed up 5 of my boys for hockey!

Let me tell you that soccer moms have nothing on hockey moms. It is another whole world. You must know your equipment... the order of which the equipment goes on, the art of tying skates... getting used to the smell of the locker rooms and hockey bags that also house odors... and then there is the bone chilling cold of the rink that you learn to be prepared for.

Then there is the cost... the younger ones pay $350 or so and the older ones pay $ 450 or there about...

as I write the check... I think of all the shopping hours this could be supporting...

Then there is the check list...

Sticks (2) in case on breaks... this cost would shock you... Tyler's dream stick cost $230...

Skates ... again... shocking cost... Tyler's dream skates are $700 + Nike Bauer 195

Shin guards

Hockey socks

Athletic cup (don't leave home without it)

Hockey Pants

Elbow pads

Shoulder pads

Gloves

Helmet with face mask

Jersey

Mouth guard

Throat protector

Underwear

Tape

Water bottle

Let the season begin! I do love watching some of the boys games... I love the victory of shooting a goal! I love the imitations of the little guys of the NHL players. I love the french fries the make at the concession stand... those are going to have to be off limits this year!

So... we signed up... we are ready for the hockey season 2009-2010!

Nothing But Net!

Learning a Lesson in Grace

Over the summer I wrote about how Sammy and I have been clashing... which was his attempts of separating himself from me. I didn't handle it with any level of grace. I was just hurt wondering why this child I love so much is pushing me away.

Then we had an incident which was the straw that broke the camel's back. The worst thing that could happen to Sammy right now is too lose his phone... his connection to his world of friends.

Gone. I took his phone away. He was more sorry about the lose of the phone than his actions.

Over a period of a few weeks, Sanj spoke to him about being really sorry and asking for forgiveness. I basically focused on my other boys and stayed out of Sammy's way.

While taking his phone away would serve as punishment for his actions... I wasn't sure it was really teaching him what I really want him to understand.

He did apologize. We moved on.

What I noticed is that he really still needs me but just didn't know how to do that in a cool acceptable way.

It made me realize that so many times we tell our children to do something, yet never realize that maybe they just don't know how.

An example of this is Sammy and Zach. There is 7 years between them. Zachary copies Sammy... looks up to him... and simply drives him crazy. I am forever nagging him to just be nice. It hit me that maybe he needs help with this. Zachary just wants Sammy's attention... so he does irritating things to get it.

My suggestion to Sammy was do the little things. Sammy got a new BMX bike... to do tricks etc... Zachary wanted to try it... Just say yes... to him and let him have a chance. Buy him a lollypop. When wrestling with him (Sammy's idea of attention) add in an "I love you, Zach."

Sammy and I made a contract together. The phone is mine, period. Yet he can have it from certain hours if he full fills the items on the contract. He was willing to do anything.

A few things off the contract are:

Hugs for mom a couple of times a day.

I love you, Moms... thorough out the day.

Make a conscious effect to connect with Zachary in small ways in his day.

There are other things obviously... yet these are the ones that are most important to me.

OK... you may think this is ridiculous. But it works. I think he just needed an out to love his mom the way he always has. Sometimes he will come and say "love you mommy... there, that is one time..." as I am cooking... I am good with that. Hugging... receiving it and accepting it... I am good with that.

It really has made a big difference. I have had to take the phone away when he does not do his share... and it is a reminder that we have an agreement.

When I was first stating my demands... Sammy laughed and said... "I want my lawyer to see this!"

I am grateful to connect with him... even through a contract... yet I am grateful that he has found a way to have me... mommy... when he needs it... as he does still need it.

Smile... It Really Isn't Hard...

Today was a day that I had running around to do ... we are selling one of our vehicles to the business... and the business vehicle is being sold to us.

How hard can that be?  Well let me tell you... from 11 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. I ran around getting the necessary signatures and what nots from lawyers, mechanics and the insurance company.  I had Josh, who was a real trooper, running with me...

After the last paper was completed... I went to the Ministry of Transportation to hand it all over... and waited to feel that feeling of completion.

I only left there extremely frustrated and was told that I had it all wrong.  I still am not clear of what I have wrong... and how and why they need the original bill of sales from 1999... I am pretty sure we don't have!

I left there really needing a good cry... needing to yell at Sanj, that he does not pay me enough to cover the frustrations and emotional trauma I suffered... and will continue to do so until I figure it all out!

He is working on his Doctorate...  maybe he will have better luck figuring it all out.  I am only mommy.  There are limits to my talents!  lol 

OK... as I was living this day of frustration, I was truly baffled by the workers  at the license bureau.  Now I am generalizing and I am sure there must be exceptions to the rule... but at least in Peterborough... why are the workers there so scary?

Most of them have very ugly, scary expressions... that certainly don't say... "How can I help you"  (especially since that is what they are being paid for!!!)   

They seem to take pleasure in letting you know you do not have all the stuff needed... they seem to say the least amounts of words possible...  These are government employees.  They have good jobs that many would give for... with benefits, holidays... lots of fake ones... and really have hard is it to simply be approachable and smile?

It is known to avoid the Peterborough Bureau and drive down to Lakefield office.... where they are kind and apparently go out of their way to help you.  It is worth the extra time to be served with a smile.

So...  nothing was accomplished off my list.  I am frustrated.  I suppose this is all in a day.

I start again, Monday...  

Remembering...

What Will I DO With All My Spare Time?

I was asked this question at least 3 times today.  It was annoying.

After dropping off the boys (on -time) at school, I filled out the many forms needed by the office.

At 9:30 I went to a meeting.  This lead to another meeting at 11 a.m.

In between, I went to Sanj's office and did a deposit... which took a LONG time as the man ahead of me had many requests, which he seem to think of each time he was done!

After my 11 o'clock, I went back to the school  to grab Tyler for his 12:10 ortho appointment.

Then it was a quick rush home to tidy up for company coming for supper.

Back for some groceries, quick run into Chapters ( my one me thing)... and then it was back to the school to pick up my boys.

The day passed a bit too fast!

Josh is having a great time at school.   I felt a little lonely and wished he would cry a bit so I'd have an excuse to snuggle with him! lol  But no, he had a grand day of having a mystery tour around the school among many other things.

So I guess I have figured out what to do with all that time... I'm busy doing all the things I  didn't have time for in the first place!

I Have to Tell...

The boys are home... lots to tell and share! I love it!

Sammy was non stop talking! He had a good day.

I was asking Josh about his day... He replies... "I love my class. I love my teachers."

Wow. Can I ask for a better answer?

I love his teachers too. I love that staff... you are awesome.

I am feeling blessed all around... great boys, great teachers and staff... great school!

And.... a first... he ate his whole lunch!

I Made It!!!

Today was the first day of school for all the Sukumaran boys. It is almost over and I can go and get them!

I am fine. Apparently Josh is fine... yes I did call and check!

It was hard. I didn't cry but really wish I could have as I would have probably felt better.

I had a headache and felt heavy and stressed for the most part of the day.

I did breakfast with a bunch of moms. I then went and got stuff to make lasagna for supper.

Things I discovered today... every one seems to notice when I am alone... from the waitress to the check out person at the grocery store!

I went into the regular bathroom stall... instead of opting for the handicap one so we can both fit without touching too much!

Grocery shopping is fast... very fast and cheaper done alone!

There is little ones calling "mommy" EVERYWHERE!

You never stop being mom even when your kids aren't there... there are other people's kids... it is just instinct!

My van is very quiet and big when I am in it.

I like being with people.

I like being home. Instead of shopping or what not I came home and found it comforting.

I came home and saw that there was a phone call from Sammy's high school... (OH MY GOSH... I have a kid in high school!!!)... my heart stopped a moment.... thinking he called or needed me.

Nope, just a girlfriend, thinking of me!

The craziness is about to be thrust upon me... I am actually looking forward to it. Well for today, anyways. The spelling list, memory verse, reading... will all be overwhelming soon enough and then I will be looking to sneak in a mom day with them!

Happy School Year... One down... how many more to go?

Sorry... but just a few more!

Today...

My babies... 4-14 years old are all in school today!

This is the first time in 14 years that I am on my own... not on purpose!

I have to say that the teachers and staff are so wonderful!

They get it. They are so understanding.

The picture on the stairs is a traditional groaning ... first day of school picture.

You can tell by the faces how has done it many times!

Then there is the picture of my oldest and youngest. Aw...

Then there is Josh... my baby. I think he was more excited about this outfit he picked then anything.

Of course there is Zachary, my big man in grade 2 and Max... looking at me with his... "really is this necessary..."

That is all I got. By the time I made it upstairs... the doors were shut and I didn't think the boys would like me walking in saying "Cheese!" lol

I'll write about my day in another blog... I just wanted to show off my beautiful boys.

Thank you, God, for the last 14 years!

How much I love my boys.

Give them great year!!!

Only 2 more hours till I get to go get them!

I'm Up!

I have been up since 5 a.m.  Oh if this could be a habit!

There is a crazy fly buzzing around me... driving me crazy.

I have had a bit of a tension headache since last night.

Josh came into our bed around midnight.  That was a little gift.  I needed to snuggle with him.

I had a dream that I was forced to go on this horrid roller coaster.   I hate those things!

Yet I had to get through it.  I had tears when I came of it... but I survived.

Maybe that is how today will be... yet I will survive! lol

It's 5:37 a.m.  I best get my act together so I am not going crazy in an hour!

Ready or Not...

There is never enough time in the day... it seems!

Happy Labour Day Weekend! Yesterday we had friends over and enjoyed hanging out till late at the campfire. Today... my in-laws will all be over to do much of the same!

I spent much of today trying to be organized for tomorrow (when everything closes down... annoying) and then the much anticipated and dreaded Tuesday.

I find myself really sad about the beginning of school. Maybe I am sad at the end of a season... staying home with my babes. I am feeling my heart races every now and again as I have been going through my day. (Maybe I am having a heart attack and ignoring it)!

I am really excited for Sammy... as he is really excited. He doesn't seem to be too stressed.

He doesn't seem to have the fear of being beaten up ( that seems to be a fear expressed by kids of my friends... sad... scary, eh?). So I am excited for him. I am not letting my fears and insecurities over take his readiness. So funny, as I watch him, occasionally... this kid pops out of his teenage being!

None of my middle crew are stressed or excited. School is school. Actually Tyler said... "10 MONTHS of homework! Yuk!" ( I kind of agree with him... too bad summer couldn't last a few more months)!

I finished the last minute shopping... forgot to buy one more tennis ball... needed for his chair... it wouldn't be me if I didn't forget something!

I have little nic nacs for the first day... lunch stuff bought... will organize the clothes tomorrow... most of the back packs are packed... just the waking up and being there on time... with no yelling will be a dream!

I asked Josh, "What will mommy do while you are at school?"

He asked Max.... "Could you stay home and be with mommy while I am at school?"

Aw... how I love him. I am going to miss him. I am not sure what I will do all tuesday...

it seems like a long day already!

Breakfast with other moms is all I have planned.

Wow... they are ready.

How much I love them!

2 more sleeps!

I had a good day with the boys yesterday... busy with last minute errands, last shoes to buy, last of the school supplies that were needed and got in a game of mini golf. Zachary got a couple of hole in ones as did some of the others!

I am sad summer is almost over. It was a good one this summer. We did a lot of water trips... beaches, creeks and pools. I realized that this activity ... water... bridges the age gap of my boys.

All of them have fun... nothing like getting wet, catching frogs, crayfish and other critters.

Josh has discovered the game boy. He gets a little too focused on it.

Sammy was off hanging with friends and seeing a movie. A true teenager... now.

The weekend is here... we squeeze a few more days of relaxing. Then it is time for routine... school... homework... lunches...

My Sweet Zachary!

Zachary's going into a grade 1/2 split. He doesn't get it. I heard him telling someone... "I am going back to grade 1."

Aw... my sweet boy. He is my big boy in a little boy's body. He has so much energy and zest of life. He is always wanting to do and try stuff.

School has been hard for him. Yet he persists... everyday. Friends... he feels he doesn't really have close ones. He told me that the one little boy invites him probably because his mom told him too. Aw... my sweet boy...

He is really trying in school... but it is coming slower than he would like. I know it is just going to hit him one day! Boom! But does it have to be so hard?

Dear Jesus...

My sweet Zach... How I love him... what a gift he is!

Help this school year to be a great one for him...

Help him make friends that feed him ...

Help him with the hard stuff... can it be a little easier for him?

Bless his teacher ... she is wonderful!

My sweet Zachary! Thank you for him!

How I love him!

MIA

Josh had a great time yesterday! It was so exciting to see... he loved his classroom(s) and teachers.

He also loves the bathroom.

This is the sink in the little boys bathroom... WHY?!! You have to step on this thingy on the bottom and then it sprays out!

Max asked Josh if you liked the sink... Josh replied, "Yes, it's like a hot tub!"

If Josh is M.I.A check out the boys bathroom! Oh fun!

I feel Weird...

I feel so weird. My dad's suppose to have surgery (can't remember what kind) and so my mom went to help him out.

It is what it is. It is a cycle. Just before she left she said that she wished she didn't say she was coming. But she went. It is what is familiar, I guess.

She called my brother saying my dad isn't doing well. Of course we know this. He has been hanging on for a while now. I think it is God... waiting... giving him chances to fix things... or maybe he is just stubborn... my dad.

Have you ever loved someone or something... yet you know you have to let go? It is a process, the letting go, but eventually you figure how to release, that pain becomes a dull ache that you feel once in a while, you may see it/them and then your life goes on...

Have you? This is how I feel about my dad. Yes, I love him. Yes, I wish for so much more. Yes, I have to let go or else I'll drowned in it.... the love and pain and hurt.

Maybe what I have spent the past so many years doing is mourning him. I feel weird inside.

I guess I don't wish him dead... of course not. Yet, I know that only in death will he have peace. I wish him peace that passes all understanding.

Because my mom is there... there will be the ongoing pulling me/us into the drama.

Until it ends.

And then what? I don't know. But I am feeling that dull ache. I am feeling tired. I am feeling that pull. I am feeling tired of always having to be strong to fight against getting pulled into that cycle.

Never do I want to be part of that cycle. Is that OK? Well it has to be. I don't think I would survive going back to it again. It was too hard to get out the first, second and third time.

Tonight's Gonna Be A Good Night!

Stuff...

I have so much that I need to get out by writing... and I don't even know where to start!

So let me tell you how beautiful a night it was last night... so bright and gorgeous. I had to take of a picture of the moon... in this picture, it really isn't all that... but I just love a full moon...

Last night was our school's Meet the Teacher BBQ... It is always a great way to start off the school with the excitement of reuniting with friends, making some new ones, checking out the classrooms... and food to top it off!

I always feel so charged! I love it! I feel like (as much as I have loved being with my kids this summer) I am ready for MY play dates!!! I have missed my friends, chatting in the traffic circle... playing when we can go out of a movie etc!

Do you know that song "Tonight's gonna be a good night?" by Black Eyed Peas? Well I know that this school year's gonna be a good one!

We have really struggled as a school... with adjusting to changes and financial issues... yet I really have seen that when we as a school (and school board) DO THE RIGHT THING... despite all others reasons... God is faithful!

Sometimes you need to see a God Sighting... last night I saw a few ... watching families return that weren't able to until God did His thing!

I am so looking forward to seeing this awesome year unfold!

Prayer... really... you can't underestimate it! Really... why would you want to? What if? What if there really is a Santa Clause? Or the Easter Bunny? Or a God? Oh to just grasp the faith of our children... and just know Santa's going to come through... Just keep the faith and believe that God has it all under control... He does it all for our good in His timing!

I am just preaching to myself. lol Sorry!

It was a good night!