Happy New Years!

Since I plan to be partying at midnight as the New Year rolls in, I want to say Happy New Years!
Thank you for sharing my journey with me this year. Thank you for your insights, encouragement and love. I cannot tell you how life changing it has been.

I got a bracelet for Christmas that says my motto for 2009:

"To thy own self be true."

It is my challenge to you. Continue to be true to yourself.
Happy New Years!

Goodbye 2008!

Growing up, after my father banned Christmas from being celebrated, New Years was the replacement. It was a huge day. For a while we even got presents. Each of us received a morning watch... which was our church devotion book... and we each got a copy.

When we had worship we each were to follow along in our own copy. We had a big deal with New Years resolutions... and every year I remember wanting to read my bible through. I wasn't very good at that one.

In tradition I would make New Year resolutions every year and feel like a failure when I didn't accomplish what I set out to do.

Now I have a different out look on a New Year. When I think of the past year, I am reminded of so many who did not make it to see the end of 2008. So I see a New Year as a gift... that each of my family member is healthy and here with me to celebrate 2009.

I see it a blessing that I feel so much more healthy emotionally. I have worked hard to tackle many demons inside me and FEEL that peace and contentment that seemed beyond my reach. I am eager to continue to work and a big one... that I keep pushing away... and am ready and looking forward to a feeling I have never had.

I am grateful for health. Despite being a year of admiting I am a diabetic, it was also a year I took control of my health.

I am so proud... and still this is a day by day struggle... (one I am losing while my mom is here).

For me, 2008 has been a year of winning the battle... I feel good about that. It was a roller coaster ride, but I was able to walk away with out barfing. :)

I do have goals and dreams for 2009 but I have learned that breaking a resolution will not stop me from trying to be successful the next moment.

That is one of my goals... to keep trying to reach my dreams... one moment at a time.

The Oil Crisis

My mom is here. She is a good cook. It is her identity. It is her place of security... the kitchen.

Obviously I didn't inherit that ... as I hate the kitchen as a place to be day in and day out.

The boys love her cooking. She loves cooking for them. I hear her on the phone to her sisters... telling them what the boys had her make that day.

Here is the thing... Indian food is not low in fat. Well I suppose there are ways to make it healthy... but then you lose the taste.

The key is the oil. Or butter.

This is a picture of the oil I buy that is usually reserved for a few things I may cook that requires oil other than olive oil.

This particular jug would likely last me who knows how long. But I never have a chance to find out, as my mom visits often enough that it disappears.

This jug of oil was bought December 24th. This picture was taken December 26th. Alarmed???

I am horrified. I am wondering how I made it through childhood? In defense of the oil level there was deep frying of food items twice, which does consume more oil. But still...

I am curious how long this jug will last? Knowing I am trying hard to lose weight and am being conscious of what I am eating... my mom will say, "I hardly put any oil in it."

I am a bit alarmed. I can't continue to let my children eat food that is oil drenched .... clogging up their arteries... yet that would devastate them and my mom. So I have to find that fine line....

Boys Will Be Boys...

The age old questions of guns has run through our home for many years. This week Josh took a bite out of his chicken nugget and then started shooting with it... bang bang. I give up. So here are my oldest three, missing from the picture is the oldest... Sanj... having a ball.

Bang!

How Do I Love YOU? Let Me COUNT ...

Josh has always expressed his love with "I love you this much" using his hands. 5 fingers is the most you can be loved by him. I have tried to teach him that he could love us with both hands... but one hand has always been reserved for mommy and the other one was for Daddy.

5 finger love was the biggest compliment.

This week I graduated to 10 FINGERS!!!

"Mommy I love you this much!!!" WOW!!! I am so touched!

Unfortunately for Sanj, he still has to work up to the 10 fingers.
When Sanj shows Josh that he loves him 10 fingers... Josh gets upset. He only wants Sanj to love him 5 fingers.
Sanj pointed out to me that he is so literal and he can only love how he really feels... and we can't change that nor should we try.

But I have to admit that I am glad that I have the 10 fingers of love!

I love you, Josh, with all my heart!

Momma's Boys

There is a show on called Momma's Boy. This show is similar to the Bachelor except the guy's mom is there, living in the house with the girls and expresses her opinions... rather loudly.

This is a show we started to watch by accident... but the dynamics in the house are interesting. Usually you do not see all sides ... but even though it is TV, it shows sides of each of the persons... the mother, son and girls of interest.

As a future mother-in-law, I pray that I am able to love my boys enough that when the time comes that I will let them live their lives. I hope that I keep a life that is full that I won't feel the need to interfere or feel the need to pull them back for my own selfish purposes.

Of course what do I know? I know girls... and I know that hearts break... and I know that there is nothing mommy can do at that point.

So as I learn from my mother and mother-in-law ... I continue to mentally make notes. I pray over my boys and ask God to bring into their lives women that will fulfill them ( I began to write... fulfill me... ummm). I can only raise them the best I can. I can teach them to respect, love and cherish. I can teach them to give, listen and learn to say sorry.

I can hope that they learn how to love as they watch Sanj and I love each other, as they watch us love them, as they watch us love our friends and as they watch as we love our parents.

Children learn what they live... I love that poem.

I know that they will make choices that will not be the ones I may choice but I hope that by then I will know to respect their lives... to accept their adultness and respect their choices.

So... as I ponder mother -in-laws... I pray that I will learn to be kind, quiet when I need to be and helpful. I hope that I will continue to have great girlfriends that will let me cry on their shoulders... with the sad song of "Why that girl???"

Oye. I hope that the parents of these girls are taking their responsibility now as parents seriously.

I hope... but I have to say, while I can't imagine any girl will be a 100% good enough... I am looking forward to the ride. I truly hope that my sons are simply happy. Whatever that definition is for them... I pray that they are fulfilled.

I can't believe I am saying this, but I really do hope that I raise young men that can stand up to me... and tell me when I am out of line. And I hope I am mature enough (by then) to step back into line.

Lots of pondering. All of a sudden... arrange marriages are looking mighty good!

Zachary... The Boy that Believes!

My older children are not real believers in Santa Claus. Christmas was different when they were real small. Then comes Zachary... from the time he was old enough, he has been a believer in Good Old St. Nick. With that enthusiasm of the belief is the Christmas Spirit. He wants to buy everyone a present. He has no worries of where the money is going to come from... and he has no problem wanting to earn it. He is a hard worker. He keeps up with Sanj, shoveling the rink, snow blowing etc.

He has such a wonderful spirit. If you have heard me talk about him, I am usually saying that he loves life... and lives it to the fullest of his 6 year old ability.

This year, as he went to bed early, so Santa would come, he was so excited. When he woke up, the first thing he said was that he heard bells that night.

If we are willing to believe in Santa, why not God? He has a great love for God. He has a great faith.

I hope that his faith in people, things real and unreal will grow with him as he grows up. I hope that his ability to love and give are gifts that he serves others well with.

I love that Zachary is a believer in all things great and wonderful.
Keeping believing my dear baby boy! Keep having faith. Keep believing in the good rather than bad. Just keep believing!