My Eulogy...

As mentioned, yesterday I went a funeral. It was the funeral of a 80 year old lady, mother to friends of ours.

I sat there listening to this lady's life and couldn't help but think of my life.  What would people say of me, when my time comes to lay in a casket?  How would I want my eulogy to be?

Is my life today one that I am proud of?  Do I love those around me enough?  Do my children, husband, family and friends know that my life is as good as it is because they have a place in it?

I want it to be said that I loved my God.  Do I live my live in such a way that it is obvious others know God is my best friend?  I don't know.  I need to work on that.  My love for God should be something that is shining thorugh me.  It isn't a secret.

I want it to be said that I loved my boys.   If I died today, will they say that I was the best mom I could be?  Probably not.  I need to work on that.  I need to learn to stop the worries of cooking and cleaning.  I need to learn to just be with them.  I am pretty good at that, I think, but I know I can be better.  Yesterday was a great example of this... Cooking with Jordan was delightful.  Messy? Yes.  Yet memorable... and fun.

I want it to be said that I loved my husband with a passion.  This isn't hard.  I do love him with all my heart.  He is the best thing that  has happened to me, so loving him isn't hard.  I need to work on the nagging.  Yet, I do this because I love him! lol

WIll it be said that I was the best daughter and sister?

Will it be said I was a good friend?  I hope so.  I do love my friends.  I love being with them.  I love them as they make my world a happier place.

I am sure I won't be known for my domenstic skills.  I am sure I won't be remembered for my love for cooking or cleaning.  I probably won't be remembered for my knitting!    Maybe I will be remembered for my love for shopping!  Maybe I will be remembered for loving to have a party. 

(Funny story, when we were first married, I thought  I would make Sanj a pair of boxers for Valentines.  I was so excited.  I had a great Home Ec teacher and knew that basics.  I was so pleased with my efforts.  Until Sanj tried it on.  One of his legs couldn't even make it in the one side! lol This is where the thought really counted!!! )

As I wonder about my eulogy, (not in a morbid way), I hope that the life I am living is one that is pleasing to God.  I have things that I need to work on. It is something that I plan to make a conscious effect. 

Have you ever thought of what kind of legacy you will leave behind?

A Full LIfe

Today was my aunt's funeral. Many of my cousins flew in from various places to pay their respects. My brother was filling me in on the day's events. Despite the occasion, it is the only time we all come together.

As my brother was telling me about the funeral and what was said about my aunt, I couldn't help wonder what would be said at mine.

What do you say when someone has not lived their life to the fullest of their potential? What do you say about some one that is mean or chooses to keep the world at a distance? Do people just make up stuff?

What will be said at my dad's funeral... what about my mom's?

What kind of a legacy am I leaving?

Just thoughts that have been running through my head... as one generation leaves this life one by one.

Do you ever wonder who will show up? Who will cry? What will they remember... what will their fondest memory be?

LIve each day as if it is your last.

Will you have live to the full potential that God intended?

Age Old Mud Slinging

My mom's family is in Maryland preparing to bury my aunt on Friday. Her remaining siblings are all there... my mom and 2 of her remaining sisters and her sister-in-law. They have gathered together to perhaps find comfort in each other's presence. Or maybe they are together because it is what people do when someone dies.

Many of my cousins are there... we tend to see each other ... it seems only at funerals now.

My mom has lived a life of being bullied. As a child, she was picked on by her siblings. Perhaps it was just the typical sibling stuff yet it had a significant impact on her self-esteem or lack there of. She was taunted with things as being to dark, or ugly. Instead of getting past this, she allowed it to dictate her view of herself.

She married "later" in life and "settled" for someone that would become her biggest bully. Again she lived with it. She fought back in her own way, yet live her life as a victim.

Back in the presence of her sisters, she is being bullied again. Jealousy causes her sister to resort to the age old method that worked. Even in their 70s... they continue to be hurtful. My aunt is consumed by meanness and bitterness. Ugly things continue to come out of her mouth...

Funerals and wedding seem to bring out the worst in people, don't they say?

Once a bully, I suppose always a bully. Once a victim, always a victim. This I know, not to be true... yet I wish that despite the growth my mom has made in her 70 years... she would be able to stand up to this bully.

Maybe both sisters should be thrown into a bath of mud... and fight it out! Oh.. the visual....

Sad that people have to put others down to build themselves up.

My mom says she is happy... after a lifetime of living by other people's rules, she lives by her own. Mistakes that are made are her own. She is not made to clean up other's messes... anymore. She has found her peace... it may not be what I would choose but it is hers only.

My aunt is jealous of this. She lacks peace... despite the fact that she may have lived a life that was a social norm. Sad. I think that life would suck if you have been robbed of true happiness, something that is in your power, has always been in your power to grasp. You have just missed it.

Maybe I need to just beat her up! (joke)

Goodbye Auntie Kamala...

My mom's younger sister died new year day. My mom left first thing. Sad, her siblings are slowing passing... which makes me think of my mom's own mortality.

I lived with my aunt for a summer in Maryland while I finished some course work. My mom's siblings are all similar to each other. They talk to each other constantly... loving and fighting.

I know my mom will miss her. Sad, yet I know that she is free of pain and suffering. I know that isn't a comfort yet at the same time, it must be.

So many thoughts.