This and That...

One of my most favourite things in the world is to lounge in bed with my boys.  I love it.  It was that kind of morning.  It has been unusually cooler out.  I love a day that does not have me whining about the lack of air condition.  I love a day that I can read my book and just relax.  I am little annoyed that the book I am reading right now is kind of boring.  I am not sure I will waste my time finishing it.

Tomorrow is Canada Day.  A Holiday!  Wahoo!  This usually means that Sanj wants to have a no plan day, take the lawnmower apart, work.  Ugh.  I am usually the one that want to go to Toronto and check out the action.  I love days like this.  We are so incompatible this way.  

We have a funeral to go to this afternoon, the father of Sanj's secretary died.    I will be praying that the boys don't beat each other up while I am gone!  

I have bought to planters for the front porch.  I stopped doing that because I simply kill them without trying.  I am making a conscious effort to water them and baby them.  One already looks droopy!  They hate me!

It is so weird to watch my boys with lives of their own.  Hanging out with friends, going to the movies... I love it.  I love knowing that they seem to be kids... regular kids, maybe spoiled a bit but yet life is good.  I love knowing that this blessing is one they don't understand.  Do you know what I mean?  My teen years were typical... with self doubt and all those issues yet there was so much stress involved.  Everyday was survival.  Everyday I held my breath wondering what today would bring.

My aunt is determined that she should stay.  It is all about the money.  How frustrating.  How scary.  We can't force her.  We can only offer her options.

I have so many things to talk about yet... some of it doesn't come out right on "paper."
Today I was watching this person I know who is "friends" with everyone.  A very likeable person yet what disturbs me so much is she really isn't.  She allows someone the fantasy of being their bestie and yet when that  person needs their bestie... she talks about them.  She mocks their relationship.  I am so bothered by this.  I want to slap them.  Maybe call them ugly names.  I feel so bad for people that believe they are her friend.  It actually sickens me.  I guess I am bothered because I care about some of those suckers that actually believe in the friendship.


Can I tell you I love my husband?  He is so funny.  He had to sing at a funeral today.   He sounded so beautiful.  We had just finished singing a hymn and he leans over to me and says, "Since we just sang that song, I forgot how my song I am suppose to sing goes!" He is so funny!  He really didn't know this song and learned it for the funeral... so I was a bit worried for him.  Oh...  and there is the time... at our wedding reception that he sung to me.  He had wrote a song for me... romantic eh?  Well, he lost the words.  It was really sad.  He made up some crazy song about driving to Ottawa to see me.  It really was his worst performance.


Then there is his sweetness that never say no to me...  I was saying how I would really like another baby... Please?  He looks at me so sweetly and says, "Sure, we can definitely try!"   (He is counting on the fact that his little procedure keeps working!  Well, in all seriousness, so am I)!


It is 10:30 pm now... and I really need to go to bed!
Happy Canada Day, all! 

Preciousness

Today I did the unthinkable... I held a little, wee babe!  She was 8 weeks old.  Oh... I knew there was a good reason I don't do babes!  I felt the wanting immediately.  Oh, I know... I say the talk... that I am done because I know I need to be done.  I know my sweet husband would likely have a heart attack if we had to do it all over again.  Well, he would love it till the teen angst hit us and then....

Yet, there is nothing sweeter than a babe,  so small, sweet and utterly delicious.  I am feeling the urge that, of course, must be smashed... but... I am made for babies.  I am made to love them senseless.  I actually did something I never do... I gave her my number, "If you need a break..."  she is a single mom.  I am hoping she needs a break!

Sigh.  I am being greedy.  I was blessed with 6 absolutely delicious babes.  I must do my time of dealing with the moody broodiness and the under- appreciated-ness  of the my teens.

Yet... oh... I feel my arms sighing for that blessed moment.

Sad...

Today is the last day of school.  It is a year that comes with too many goodbyes.  Of course, every year brings changes and families go and come.  This year... I am overwhelmed at the sadness I feel.  I am not sure how to explain it, either.  After hearing that one of my friends has decided not to come back, I found myself sobbing as if my heart was broken.  I was surprised at my emotions, as I am not a crying kind of girl anymore.   Sanj just held me.

Of course I know that this doesn't change the friendship but changes the effort a bit.  I see a little girl who keeps writing on her Facebook page how much she is going to miss Rhema and I find myself praying for a miracle.  This family needs us as much as we need them.  Each year at the end of summer we see miracles happening.  Families that could not afford to return are gifted by a generous heart.  This is met with tears of joy, seeing God's hand so at work.

Then there is the staff... The Mama Bear of Rhema is retiring.  Sigh.  I know it is inevitable yet it is such a loss.  How are we going to be without her?  Of course I know it will be different... each new one brings their own uniqueness yet... I don't like it.  I need to see my friend there when I walk in.  We will her so much.  I will miss her so much.  I received so much wisdom from her over the years.  Now what?

Today was the Friday morning singing which my dear husband takes time off every week to come do.  It is church.  Hearing  those little ones sing, not questioning God at all is so priceless. I saw my husband moved to tears as he was playing.  He was looking out over the bunch of kids and I could see him take in all the little ones that will no longer be with us.  I could see that he was wondering if these songs will be ones that will carry them onward.  We have to believe that they will.  They will know that Jesus loves them.  They will not forget it.  

Oh  ... in a perfect world... money would never keep those that don't have it from being with us. In a perfect world...  


Dear God,
Our school family is changing... in so many sad ways.  Some of these kids are so sad that they can' t be there again.  Please Lord, You do know who, why and how.  I trust... as it is all I can do.  I look forward to miracles again, this fall.
Amen.

The List...

Do you know who women naturally have a reputation of being a nag?  Well, you haven't lived with my sweetie.  He is a constant man in motion.  This is great except for me it equals exhausting.  I don't want to work all the time.  I understand that chores are never-ending and can and will wait.  I have no qualms of letting laundry pile up so that I can finish my last chapter of my book.


My husband has been nagging me ... the basement needs serious tending to.  It is the one room in the house that I never venture into.  Why?  It just seems like such a male zone.  There are videos games, sports stuff, a ridiculous big screed on the wall ... you get the picture, don't you?  Our basement isn't finished yet, either, so there is no comfortable carpet or painted walls.  It is a mess.


Today I cleaned it.... with a little bit of help.  Out came 5-6 bags of garbage, equal amounts of clothes to give away and lots of books and what not repacked.  It is a space that looks livable again.  The bathroom is clean and presentable, the bedrooms like habitat-able ... sigh.


CLEAN THE BASEMENT OUT


Yesterday Sanj came home and in true Sanj fashion, went on a bike ride then jumped on the lawn mower and begin to attack the grass with a vengeance.  When the belt on the mower broke, forcing him to stop, he started on the gardens.  They needed weeding and we had a dump of mulch delivered that needed spreading on the gardens.  I was in and out making supper and chatting with him on the porch, telling him about my day, the butt-smacking that occured and venting about mean people that hurt my friends.  


Sanj has always wanted me to be a garden person.  After feeding the kids, I went out and started pulling obviously weeds.  My husband was so thrilled.  I believe that sadly, this is a turn on! lol


HELP OUT IN THE GARDENS


I must be on a roll.  Now all I have to do is find a cure for our garbage problem.  I may actually take a trip to the dump.  This may send him over the edge though.


GARBAGE ISSUES


Nag, Nag, Nag.


I never hang up my keys were they are suppose to be.  Then to add to the issues, I take Sanj's key.  Not good.  


"Why do you do that?  Why don't you hang them up when you are done?"  asks my hubby.


Why?  It's simple.  Why make life that easy?  lol


My sweet hubby... how much I love you.  Hope the nagging eases off a bit... summer is here. It is time for lemonade, books, porches and kids!


This picture is of my workaholic husband RELAXING! lol   He was so delighted to scrub the seats in his beloved mobile.  Weird, eh?

Butt Smacking!

I have been sneezing non-stop this afternoon.  Allergies!  I had a very embarrassing moment today.  I was in the boys school waiting for the bell to ring.  I walked into the office, my usual stop to say to my friends.

As I was walking back down the hall, I saw a friend of mine (Rhonda N).  I saw the back of her, delighted to see her at the school since she usually is at work.  I walked by her and smacked her butt.  She abruptly turned around, shocked.

I was shocked too.  It wasn't my friend, Rhonda!  It wasn't even a friend.  It was a mom, someone that I don't know at all and someone that seems appalled that I would touch her in such a manner!

I think I actually turned red ... thus this picture!   How embarrassing!

Today, I was invited to a Iranian lady's home for lunch.  She works for Sanj.  It was all very neat... as she made a meal that consisted of Iranian foods, which were not that different from Indian foods.  It was so interesting to learn more about her culture.  She asked how old Sammy was?  He was finished his exam for the day and wanted to come along.  (This pleased my greatly that my 14 year old wanted to come along).  Sammy turns 15 years old on Sunday.

Apparently, if she is in the presence of a 15 year old or older, she has to wear a long sleeve top.  I found this fascinating.  She is still wearing black, mourning the loss of her father, although after 40 days, she could wear colour again.  She isn't a practicing Muslim, well a strict one anyways.  I was quite fascinated.   I truly couldn't image living a life that is so unfair to women.  

While we were at her 3rd floor apartment, we felt an earthquake.  It was harmless so it was very neat.  :)

Today is my dad's birthday.  I wish life had been different for him.  I am so grateful to know that God loves him so much and watches over him.  Happy Birthday, Daddy.


My brother-in-law is working the G-20.  He was involved foiling a very bad guy's plans.  As the boys were listening to the story, I heard Josh walk away saying, "I'm Uncle Raj, your the bad guy."  I love these moments that remind me of the importance of family.  Way to go, Raj!  You are a big time hero in our books!

Sigh

What a busy day today has been!  It poured rain, so I was dodging in and out of places, trying to avoid getting too wet.  Tyler left this morning for his class trip to Ottawa.  I am sure he is going to have a great time.

I think I am tired because of all the usual reasons to be tired in June.  Then there are the emotional stresses that are exhausting me.  I am always amazed at adults that act so childish.  I am embarrassed at Christians that act so un-Christlike. I am forever shocked when friends forget to act like friends... or when a friendship seems to come to a halt and you don't know why.

I feel like my feelings have been given a good beating.   I saw a friend yesterday I haven't seen or heard from in a while despite my attempts to call and email.  Weird.  I am not sure what I did.  I even asked if I did something?  I didn't get much of a response.  Ouch.  That was hurtful.

I am struggling with my in-laws lack of emotion towards me.  I am not sure why I am so not likeable/loveable but they don't seem to think I am as special as I think I am! lol  This has been our history from day 1.  Why do I care?  I don't know.  I guess because I have bent over backwards to be the kind of daughter-in-law that I know God would want me to be... and yet I get nothing.  It is that whole favouritism thing again.  At least they are consistent... my family get the short end of the deal every time.  

Yesterday, at graduation, the school gives out an award to the volunteer of the year.  As embarrassed as I was to be on the receiving end of it, I was honoured.  I was glad that my mom was present to share in this and was pleased that my in-laws were there too.  Yet, they did not say one word about it.  I was hurt.  I wanted them to be proud of me.  I wanted them to see a side of me that they don't... the side that loves our school and is a part of our family.  I was hurt. Actually, I was very hurt.  I have received the short end of the stick from these folks from day one.  Yet, from day one, I have only been true to me and done the right, loving thing.  I have spent 15+ years turning the other cheek, forgiving, reaching out and loving as these are the folks that bore Sanj, the man I adore.

SIgh.  I don't know why I do try.  I sometimes just get so weary of being good.  It must take a lot of energy to be ugly all the time.  This makes me so sad for my children.  They deserve so much.  If given a chance, my in-laws could have their cup overflowing with the deliciousness of my babes.  It makes me so sad that they just don't see the blessings in front of them.

I am sure this will not be so bothersome in a few days.  It is just that so many wonder what do I do?  I was so pleased for my in-laws to "see" what I do.  It isn't matter.  Of course, as I do what I do for the love of this wonderful place and my children and it is what God often calls me to do.

I just feel slighted.  This too shall pass.

So... I will end with a funny story:

We took the boys to see Karate Kid on the weekend.  Great movie, by the way!  It is set in China so there are subtitles at times.  Sanj leaned over to Zach to make sure he was able to understand what was being said... my sweet, delightful Zach looks at his dad and asks in awe, "You speak Chinese?"

Kids... what a special gift they are!  Yes.... I am blessed!

Grad...

Last night my once little man became my big man.  It was so wonderful to see Tyler, confident, happy and having a great time.  It is so amazing to me that my son is this great kid.  He was so shy, insecure and stressed all the time.  I, of course give his parents and God credit.  Yet, I have to give credit to this amazing place where my boys spend so much of their day, 9 months a year.  I give credit to the caring teachers that are so accepting.  I give credit to the families who have  similar wants for their children they give up so much to send them to this special place.one

Last night, as we were driving home, I said to Tyler, "Do you remember how you were in grade one? Could you see it as you watched the video of you doing you animal project?"

Tyler didn't miss a beat and replied, "I was so intense! Wow!"

Have I said I love this kid?

He loves his family so much.  There is nothing more valuable then to be with the aunts and uncles he cherishes.  He has been emailing his godfather, his Uncle Pagie to come.  This is a uncle that the boys adore and it is definitely reciprocated yet he is the kind of uncle that flitters in and out of the boys lives.  They may see him 2-4 times a year depending on life as is Uncle Pagie.

The boys have learned to just love him and accept him when he is around.  His uncle promised to come to grad.  I was stressed.  Pagie has the best of intentions...  I just didn't want Tyler to be disappointed on this night of all nights.

The program started.  I actually forgot about the appearance of Pagie.  15 minutes into the program I feel a tap on my shoulder.  Sanj nods behind him.  There is Uncle Pagie.  This is a picture of Tyler's reaction as I mouth to him that his Uncle is here... it is a picture of love.  Having his Uncle Pagie there was priceless for Tyler.  For me, I will go buy a lotto ticket! lol

Despite the mosquitoes that were out in full force, we had a great night.  It was so special to see many of the families, former classmates of Tyler's who have left come back for grad.  Someone said, "It is like coming home."

Happy First Day of Summer!

I am so looking forward to a week from today!  Next Monday is the first day of no school.  No yelling and nagging to get up, hurry up and all that jazz.  I am fully prepared to have all the bodies in bed with me once Sanj is off to the gym.  I am sure that they will no doubt be up earlier than a school day.  It is all good... as next Monday, there will be nothing planned!  WAHOOO!


There is something so exciting and yet sad about the last day of school.  The school part will not be missed.  Yet then my social life becomes one that has to be planned.  No meeting in the pick up circle for the 15 minutes of adult interaction in my day.  Yet, I love that feeling of excitement that is in the air.


Today is the official first day of summer!  :)  It is so beautiful outside!  It is going to be a hot one.  Our pool... the Canadian TIre special... easy set up pool is going to be put up.  It isn't anywhere near having a real pool but it certainly will be better than nothing.  The boys are so excited.  Anything to cool down and a great way to burn off all that energy I am envious of!


I love spending time with my boys.  I love watching them interact.  I can do without the constant fighting that occurs between any two of them.  Yet I know that it is this time spend together that is facilitating their relationships for the future.  I know that despite the love/hate thing that is happening that as brothers they are learning to stick together.  Water is a great thing that crosses the age barrier.


Sammy will be having a birthday at the end of this week.  He will be turning 15 years old!  Wow.  It seems unbelievable.  By the end of this year, I will have 3 teenagers!  How did that happen?


In between all the fun and play, I have projects that must be accomplished too.  The basement must be de-cluttered and organized.  I promised my dear OCD hubby it will be done!  I have so much stuff to rid ourselves of.  Where does this stuff come from?


Ah... it is Monday... I have a list I need to get through and cross things off:
Exchange the shirt we bought for my father-in-law.
Get some shorts of Zach.
Pay off Tyler's trip.
Finish things from the Golf Tournament.
Supper.
Charge camera and video.. don't forget the battery!
I have a whack of laundry to put away but that will have to wait.
Haircuts for the boys.
Finish Tyler's packing for his trip tomorrow.
Of course there is the usual tidy up.




So, I best make my exit.  Happy First Day of Summer!

The Graduate

Tyler is graduating from Grade 8.  What?  How did that happen?  Who is this young man that is confident, friendly and outgoing?

My Tyler that I left crying 10 years ago in JK was a mama's boy.  He had major separation issues.  Life was so hard.  Everything from clothing to sharing his beloved triceratops was so complicated.  He was so intense and serious.  Did I mention life was so hard?

I remember he wanted to do a sleepover so badly.  Sammy could do it at this age (whatever age that was). Yet leaving home overnight was so hard.  My poor sweet boy.  He really wanted to.  Yet, just could not.  He was not ready.

He was a child that fixated on things.  Different teachers would likely remember him for his different phases.  There was the tools and elephant stage in JK.  There was the triceratops, then the crocodiles and the Croc Hunter, Steve Irwin.  Then came hockey... and golf.  Now, apparently, it is girls!

I love this son of mine so much.  I love his passion for his friends and family.  I love his need for fairness and all things right.

He is a great friend.  He is a good brother.  He is a wonderful son.

My sweet Tyler,

As you leave the safety of grade school behind, I know you will shine in high school.

You are such a good boy.  I know you will continue to be a great young man.

Always remember to do your best, treat others as you would like to be treated and remember that you are loved by your family and God.

You will be so great in high school.  Enjoy, study, have fun and be good!

I love you my wonderful Tyler!

Happy Graduation!

HE IS REAL!!!

Do you ever have doubt of God's realness?  Right now it is pouring!  There is thunder and lighting and probably even some hail.  This was the forecast for this morning.  There were the dark clouds present, threatening and taunting.  Oh Dear!

See, this morning was the Rhema Golf Tournament.  We are in need of the money this tournament would bring in.  Times are hard for private school.  It is the way it is.  We have to do what we can to keep funds coming in.

This tournament is one that we have been working on for a bit.  Those that were coordinating it were tired.  They are busy people.  Yet, it had to be done.  Today finally arrives.  It is all set.  It is going to be awesome.

There is the only issue of the rain.  The storm forecasted was stressing the team out.  We had a box of umbrellas to hand out.  

Prayer.  We prayed.  God knows what our school needs.  He is in control.  He will hold the rain off.  For this I was sure.  Prayer... yes, even about weather.

Can I tell you... it spat a few seconds... just that tiny bit that maybe the person talking to me actually did spit on me!  It was a beautiful day!  BEAUTIFUL!!!  It was cloudy, which kept us from being scorched and miserable.  It was sunny as we ended... as if God was smiling down on us.  It was unbelievable!

I am telling you... God is  REAL.  He cares!  Even about the little things... such as weather! 

THANK YOU, GOD!  How much I love You!!!

Six Of Them!

I never in a million years thought I would have 6 children, much less 6 boys!  Sometimes, when I stop and really think about it, it freaks me out.  When I really stop and think of the responsibility of raising 6 sons, I can feel the panic.


While I was out with some girlfriends this weekend, I was shocked to here them talking about one of my sons being a lady's man.  What?  Sanj and I were both quite shy and insecure when it came dealing with the opposite sex.  Where did my son get this confidence and absolute delight about girls?  (Our brothers)!!!


I was trying to appear all cool about it, yet in reality I felt panic bubbling up.  They aren't even in high school.  I will admit, I will the confidence.  I always wished that for them.  I love that they are secure in themselves or appear to be.

Yet, as I think of it, I am so worried about the fact that they understand that girls have feelings too.  I want them to understand that it isn't a game.  Dating is for older people... as it can hurt feelings.  


Sigh.  Most days I take it one day at a time.  I love checking things off my list.  There is something so wonderful about crossing it off when it is accomplished!  


This week:


Monday:  The already late dragonfly project is due.  It is pet day and so Bella is needed in Zach's class.  This means she needs a bath, BADLY!  Guitar is today after school.  Later tonight there is a meeting about the Golf Fundraiser that we are doing this weekend. This means a late night since the meeting doesn't begin till 8:30 pm.  OH... Jordan needs muffins for the bake sale tomorrow.


Tuesday:  My mom has a hearing test booked with a cute audiologist in the morning.  I will likely go  into the office and work the morning.  My mom is teaching an Indian cooking class to Jordan's class.  I will likely go in and help her.  Sanj has guitar.  The boys have golf.  It is a late night.


Wednesday:  Off on a field trip with Max to Sammy's high school.  Maybe this could be fun... spying on my teen! lol


The remainder of the week is full of a mismatch of errands.  I am sure I will be there one running around doing all the last minute things such as getting the prize packs etc. together.  Then I have this project of renovating the primary bathrooms at the boys school.  I am trying to think of creative ways to get funds together before flat out asking for it from the usual suspects.


Father's Day is this weekend too.  Usually I make ribs for the males in the house.  We will see.  Oh, I picked up one of those pools you see in all the backyards that can't afford a real one... I am so excited for the boys.  It is just a great way to cool off immediately.  


Hey ... if you are looking for a great Father's Day gift... ask me about the Golf Tournament.
By the way, how hard is it to get a hole in one?  We have a prize of free tuition for a year.  I am really needing that!  Maybe I should try.  Maybe I would have beginner's luck! 

Wanted:

Have you ever been in a crowd, with a group of friends and been so lonely?

I never understood that until recently.  I really have been trying to listen to my heart and seek answers to my restless spirit.  Last night, I finally understood what my heart was saying.

I have been so lonely, lately.  How can I be lonely when I am forever surrounded by friends and people I enjoy?  Yet there it is ... that feeling of loneliness that I feel I am drowning in it.


I know I am loved and blessed with a wonderful group of friends.  I love them and enjoy my time with them too.  It isn't about them.  It is about me.  I am such an open person.  I am not sure why I am like this but I think, really think... that I am one of those people that what you see of me is what there is.  Usually my emotion is right there... on my face.


I guess what I miss is just really connecting with people.  I want a real connection.  I don't want to talk about the weather.  I don't want to know the superficial stuff.  I really want to know you.  It used to be so easy to get to really know someone, especially in university, as we were in each other's space all the time.  Dorm life made you family.  We had each other to share, cry on and laugh with.


It is not easy anymore.  Everyone has their guard up.  Who wants to get hurt?  Why has time to invest in relationships at this time in life?  I went out with a group of ladies last night.  (We saw "Killer"... which as funny and Ashton Kutcher is not so hard on the eyes).  We had a good time. Everyone that came seem to want the same thing.  Time away, time to hang out and relax.  


Yet... the loneliness is still there.  I miss not having that friend (locally) to call and talk to 3-4 times a day about this or that.  I miss having that kind of friend here.


I don't like feeling lonely.  It is quite a discovery for me.  I have felt it for a while.  Yet, when it hit me last night, when I was able to actually define it, it left me feel very sad.  I am too social a person to be lonely.


So... I need to find what it is that is missing for me.  The missing link.  


Wanted:  a girlfriend, fun loving, relaxed spirit.  Must be willing to tolerate daily phone calls, love to chat and shop.  Must be real... willing to be open... honest and true.


:)

Pretty In Pink

In my last blog, I briefly mentioned the International Dragon Boat Festivals happening this weekend in Peterborough.    Yet... I couldn't just give it a paragraph.  It is such an amazing thing.  There are 70 teams from around the world.  These are women, world wide that share two things:  they are strong women and have had to fight breast cancer.

I feel so honoured to be around them.  I love being at the festival and just watching them.  I feel myself soaking up some of that empowerment.  I am fascinated that many of these women are older, mid-aged women.  I love what they represent.  Strength, support, victory, fight, power, faith, hope, sisterhood...

While I am so grateful that this has not been a fight I have had to contend with, I must say that I would feel hope and power to fight this battle just by the inspiration of these women.

My friend, Jhane Braiser, took these photos of the weekend.  I just had to share them.  If you have not had a chance to see the spirit of the fight, of the Dragon Boat weekend, here is a glimpse.

Here's the thing, I was worried about the weather.  These ladies have weathered the storm.  Rain is not going to stop them!  I love the spirit of the ladies in pink.   Cancer can't win.  Cancer can't stop them.  They won't let it.  We won't let it.

Paddles Up, Ladies!

It's All About Me!

It's Saturday and my kids are very grumpy.  Maybe it is the weather (rainy and grey), maybe it is my pms carrying over, maybe they went to bed to late.  All I know is that there was a lot of bickering and grumpiness way to early.

I mentioned that my mom is here... which is great.  Here is the thing, she is a workaholic.  She is exhausting me.  She gets up before 7 am on a weekend and soon I hear cooking happening in the kitchen.  She has not heard of cereal.  My kids know never to come and bother me for something as trivial as food this early on a weekend.  Actually they can help themselves.

When I mention this to my mom, she says, "Well the kids came to me and asked what there is to eat, what can I do?"  (She loves it.  I hear her bragging to her sisters about what the kids asked her to make).

They are in a foul mood.  This makes me very grumpy.  I wish I could fast forward the clock to bedtime for them.  This means it will be time for me to go play.  Tonight I am going to see a movie with friends.  I admit, I am so looking forward to it and the popcorn.  I love movie theatre popcorn.

My mom has caught up with my laundry.  It has taken residence all over the family room, folded.  I so appreciate.  Yet now it forces me to deal with it.  The woman does not stop.  She goes all day.  I hope I have half her energy when I am 70+.

Last night I watched Nicholas Sparks, "Dear John."  As I was watching the movie, it seemed familiar.  I had read the book a long time ago.  I need a good love story with no heart ache.  It left me wanting to cry and yet not able to.  It made me think of the soldiers that sacrifice so much.  I can't even image.

I was so restless.  It was midnight.  I still couldn't sleep.  I knew if I waited long enough, Sanj would phone.  Sure enough, 12:05 am he called.  He missed me.  Now I could fall asleep.

I woke up to the pounding of rain.  All I could think of was what is going to happen to the Dragon Boat folks.  This weekend, Peterborough host the Dragon Boat Festival for over 70 teams from all over the world.  How awesome is that?  These are women from all over that have fought the fight against breast cancer!  Many of these women are mid-age and just seem so empowered.  It has been such a cool thing to see them all over town, in their shirts, knowing that they are survivors.  I have been hoping for great weather for them.  Yet, really, when you think about all they have been through, I know a little rotten weather isn't going to hold them back!

So... really I can't complain.  I know that in 8-9 hours I will makes my grumpy ones disappear (bed, that is).  


Now it is T minus 4 hours and a bit till the pain-in- my- butts that I call my children are out of sight and can wake up tomorrow and start all over with the grumpies out of their system.  I just took the youngest 4 to see SHREK.  Wow, I felt like Shrek.  I was trying so hard to even remember my life without children, my life when it was really all about me.  I can't.


The sad thing was when it was all about me, I wanted it to be about someone else.  I couldn't wait be a mom.  So.... if I could sign a contract and have just one day where it was all about me... I sure would.  (Of course with the promise that life would be back to crazy again).


What would I do?  Well, first, I would never worry about the non-exsistent belly I thought I had! Ha!  I would be in a bikini!  lol  Yup, I would.  I would love all that hair that I used to have and not complain about it... ever.  I would stay up till all hours simply because I could and would sleep in.  I would talk to my girlfriends all night and soak it in.  I would travel... not worry about all the little things like love and marriage.  I would take the opportunity to love me!!!  Oh, how I wish I had loved me!


Of course after life was all about me for 24 hours, I am sure it would be too much of a bore and so I would need my life as I know it back.

Hit and Miss

Here is a story:

I have  "family" who I grew up with.  My "aunt and uncle" are in there 70s now.  Their marriage has been one much like my parents.  There was violence.  She is a battered woman.  In there 70s, he still hits her.  He beat her.  He pulled her hair and wound it around his arm and dragged her.  Then he choked her.  This time she called the police.  They came and put him in jail for 2 days.  Then they let him go.  Now he reminds her that she put him in jail.  She is scared for her life. Yet the money seems to hold her hostage.  The son, lives and breathes daddy's money.  She will likely die or rather be killed.,, unless she is saved.

I wonder what the police think will happen when they release him?  Yes, we have come a long ways... now the police can step in at signs of abuse.  Yet, we still have a long way to go.  I know that if we are waiting for my "aunt" to leave or walk away, it isn't going to happen.  I know that she needs her son to take a stand against his daddy, Mr. Bank, and be a man.  She won't leave.  She can't leave.  She is too weak.  She is too broken.  Yet she is crying out for help.  She called the police.  That is a huge move. That took a lot of courage.  She went to the pastor.  She told him she want to move into a nursing home.  That is huge.  Who wants to move into a nursing home?  She is screaming for help.  She can't move without money.

I feel like screaming.  Is there a special hell for men like him?  Can I tell you that I hope so?

He is a bad man.  He is loving.  He is sweet.  He is the devil.  I cringe when I think of all the times we were together, a happy "family."

My upbringing is pretty much American.  Sure, I prefer Indian cuisine to any other out there.  Sure, I can eat with my hands, with the best of them.  I can even wear the beautiful outfits and pick up a word or two.  That is the extent of my Indian-ness.

I have been reading a lot of stories about India.  I have been trying to understand the craziness of the male species.  I can't understand the mentality that would kill or give up  a child simply based on the sex of the babe.  I can't understand that feeling of entitlement that is given to males as to how they can treat the women.  I can't understand the mind set that allows women to simply accept it.

Of course this is a board statement.  Not all men hit their wives.  Not all women are subservient.  Not all care about the gender of their babes.  Yet, some do.  Many do.  

I feel like something must be done.  I know there are things that are being done.  Yet it is not enough.  I feel so helpless.  Helping one person at a time seems unreasonable...

Yet... there is my "aunt."  I have to start with her.  I know I can't force her.  Yet, I must try.  We must try.  Complacency isn't an option.  Or I am just as bad as my "uncle."

Sick and Tired

Wow,  I survived the week!  Yah, me!  Last night I was so sick and tired.  I had cramps, fever and a headache.  I had six kids that needed supper and attention and a husband that is away till Sunday sometime.  Thank goodness for mothers.  My mom is here and despite the fact that she had a cold, she insisted on making curry for the boys.  Most of us were in bed by 8 p.m.  Wow... it felt so good to just sleep.  Somewhere around 3 a.m. my fever broke and I was so hot!  There were 4 little bodies in my room and everyone got caught up on their sleep.  Well, everyone, except probably Jordan, who was to catch the bus for his field trip to the Medieval Times (the one I bailed out of).  He was up quite a bit checking the time.

I feel much better today.  I feel like I can handle my day.  Sanj is in Toronto at a conference till Sunday night.  It is nice to have a break.  Don't get me wrong, because of course we will all miss him but when he is away, I give myself a break.  I don't worry about a major supper.  I don't worry if the house is tidy for him to come home to.  I don't worry about being super wife and mom.  One of the things the boys love is that when Daddy is gone, they clamour into our bed.  It doesn't matter which end, just as long as they have a piece of me.  I do love this.  There is something so secure about us all being together.   Since Sanj is gone 3 nights, it guarantee's each of them a chance to sleep with me.  :)

Yesterday I took Sammy to buy his golf clubs, the ones he has been yammering for weeks.  Wow, that sport is fraudulent.  Seriously, do different shafts and grips make that much of a difference?  Who cares if Tiger uses this shaft?  Then there is the golf balls, seriously???  Who ever thought to make up the balls to the ridiculous prices ... to hit them and lose them is laughing all the way to the bank! Ha!  Wow.  I told Sammy that this is his last set of club that we will be buying him.  YES!  He is finally into men's clubs and from here on out, it is all up to him!   He is beyond pleased!  I should get a few days worth of good behaviour from him, at least! lol

$50 million is the lotto this weekend.  OK, I realize that many of you may be against the lotto... but it is one of my guilty pleasures on occasion.  I love to imagine the freedom!  I love to dream of Sanj going to work just for fun.  He couldn't retire yet... that would drive me bonkers. lol  Yet as a independent business man he does always have worries.  As a dad of six, he does alway have worries.  So, I love to imagine the freedom!

I am supposed to be  worrying about laundry and getting it all put away.

This week I found myself spending time in Chapters (our bookstore).  I love that store.  I love being around books.  I love thinking of authors and how they worked and got to this place of their masterpiece on the shelves.  I feel a bit of pain for those whose books end up on the bargain tables... marked down to  $4.99.  Ouch.  It is my new happy place.

OK... we have a busy weekend ahead... so I must go... back to the land of my reality!

Have a good weekend!

Choking Hazard

What a crazy week this will be!
Monday... a day with Josh... that in itself is craziness!
Tuesday.... in JK for the  morning... then into the office for the afternoon (Sanj gone to board meeting the evening).
Wednesday... on a field trip with Max to TASS (Sammy's high school).
Thursday... a field trip with Josh to the zoo (Sanj is gone to a conference till Saturday?)
Friday... a field trip with Jordan to Medieval Times.

Unfortunately for me, I started a book and it looks like it is going to be a good read!  It is called the Forgotten Daughter.  Why, oh why did I start it now?  I love a book that grabs me right from the moment I open it.  I hate having to wait a page or two to be drawn in.

I made supper... 3 different meals.  I don't know why I bother.  It is on the nights that I make a special effort for supper and my husband comes late.  His meal is cold and sitting on the table.  He just called.
Oh well... good thing he likes to eat anything any way because it is not going to be a good one now.

He is off carbs ... he doesn't eat the bad stuff.  For supper tonight I made him a healthier version of Philly cheese steak.  The cheese was melting on the mess of meat and I waited for him to walk in ohhhing and ahhhhing.  I just hope he doesn't choke on it now.

I made spaghetti and meat sauce for the boys.  They are meat lovers.  I have been really thinking of going vegetarian.  It is my natural calling, I think.  I am not a meat lover.  I may eat a bit here and there and then Sanj usual eats the left over pieces.  So, today, I made a spaghetti sauce for me with Portobello mushrooms and onions.   It was delicious.  I was so pleased that I took the moment and spoiled myself.  I am hoping to make a plan that will allow me to eat the necessary nutrients and cater to my vegetarian taste buds.

I have decided that I need to make this house a home.  I am not sure what the problem is.  It is likely the "budget" Sanj put me on.  I am not liking it one bit.  I better get busy and work on my book to it can become a best seller and I can be the shopaholic I was meant to be.  I haven't set foot into a store aside for groceries in a very long time.  Ugh.   Withdrawal...that is what I am feel.  I wonder if the storeowners have felt my dent without my presence.

Just a few more weeks of school.  Oh, I know it is busy having the boys home but it is a different kind of busy.  It is one that doesn't demand me to be up or getting them up at an annoying time each morning.  I love the summer evenings with the boys.  It is just such a nice part of the day... relaxed and calm.  They can go to bed later as they will sleep in later.  I so appreciate when they come and get Josh and take  him down.  (He still wakes up as soon as he sees light)!

Right now I am hearing the sounds of drumming... I can hear the dishes yapping as to when I will get then done and there is the never ending cry of homework.  So, I best quit my stalling and get to the business at hand... so I can get to my book again!

B.S.

I love the quote, "It's not about finding yourself but about creating yourself."  Author Unknown

I always feel a little bothered to answer the question from friends or family, "So, what do you do with your time?  Or what career did you pursue?"

How do you explain that?  If you do not live in my world here, you would never get it.  There isn't a title that says it all.  A stay at home mom is what I am.  Yet, I am so much more.  I could say I volunteer at the boys school.  Yet that doesn't really explain much either.  I could say the I have a list of projects that I tackle that hopefully change the world in small ways... but really what does that really mean to people?


A few weeks ago while we were in DC at a party celebrating the accomplishments of Sanj's doctorate and the Masters degrees of his cousins, there was so much talk about degrees and achievements.  There were speeches made about striving for the highest education that you can.. that life is about being the best you can be... academically.


I have to admit, that while I was home with the boys as babes, I was never questioned what I did.  Raising the boys, often left them looking at me with respect.  I was doing a task that seemed so daunting to most.  I have found that now the boys are in school, they seem to think that my job is done.  They wonder what do I do?  I was asked so many times if I will further my schooling.


I never had an option as to what I would do after high school.  I always knew I would go to Andrews University.  I wasn't an option for me.  I never really questioned my folks.  I was the kind of kid that usually did as I was told.  I think that because leaving home was a reprieve for the crazy family life I had, I never questioned the expectation.


University was just another step.  It was a wonderful period of my life and I grew so much.  I was creating myself, even back then even though I thought I was finding myself.  I was never an exceptional student.  I found studying hard to do, especially when life was just beckoning me to play!  School, when it interested me was fun.  I loved projects, things that I had to create.  I loved things that were tangible.  Things such as atoms, neutrons, protons...  abstract thinking such as Philosophy was the death of me.  (The only thing that keep me going in Philosophy was that somehow Sanj was in this class with me... and I didn't want to fail, in case he asked me anything about the class).


I have a BS in Education.  Yet as much as I am proud of all those in my family that have worked so hard to accomplish all those letters after their names.... and there are a lot of them... I come from some serious high achievers...  I found the speeches a little bothersome.


Not everyone is cut out of the same cloth.  I am sure I could get my Masters.  Yet, having that would not help me accomplish my goals and desires I have.  It will not help be create the me I am meant to be.


I think of my brother-in-law... Raj.  He is not one to have a lot of letters after his name yet he is one that has accomplished a great deal.  Raj is a Toronto Police officer.  He is your typical boy that loves a good game of bad guys and good guys.  When he is telling a tale of his day, he is actually using the term bad guy/good guy and gets all excited telling the story.  He is someone that has made the world a better place.  He has done some amazing things and moved up in the ranks of the good guys.


I know that every parent wants their child to accomplish all they can.  Yet I think as parents we need to accept the children that school isn't the easiest or best option.  My brother-in-law could very well have a PhD. as he is smart enough, yet it would not have been his calling.  His calling is to play with the bad guys everyday, to make the streets safer, to make a difference in his way.


Does this make sense?  Maybe not.  I am certainly not putting down education.  I hope that my children become the best they are meant to be.  I also want them to know that creating themselves is a journey and there isn't just one road.


I am still on my journey.  When I came back from DC... I felt frazzled.  How do I let them know that I am not just a stay at home mom?  I felt like I was falling short in their eyes.  Maybe I am.  I don't know.  I do know that my reality is so different living in a small town then the constant race of the big city life.


I know.  It really shouldn't matter what others think.  Yet, I have to admit that it does.  There is a lot of pressure... my husband is this super smart guy.  I used to feel so inferior to him... for a very long time.


I am just a different creature.  I have dreams and visions... big ones.  They are just different then everyone else.  I am still creating me.  I am not in a hurry.  I feel like I should be sometimes... but then again... greatness can't be rushed! lol


This is a blog to applaud all those that have the drive to study through the years of learning and make the grade.  You are awesome.  You are my hero.  This blog is dedicated to all those that took the path that was not about books and classes... yet found the road that is the best you.