Tug Of Love!

I blogged about the frustrations of parenting my 14 year old. My cousin, my sweet, smart cousin, Cynthia, wrote a comment in response to it saying... " it doesn't help to know that 14 is when they are struggling to separate their identity from yours either ... or that it is especially crucial for boys to separate from their mothers at this age. "

I forgot. Over the years as I watched Sammy and Sanj battle it out over hair styles, clothing and friends... I always worried about what would happen once the teenage years were upon us.

I never dreamed that I would be the one that was the target for his de-funk.

Here is a quote from Karen Vincent of Elite Life Coaching"

Often times mothers feel this pulling back more than fathers do. This is because mothers are generally seen as the nurturers and the caretakers (although not always) and therefore sons need to push their mothers away in order to begin to create their independence. This is obviously very concerning for a mother who may try harder to reach out to her son in an effort to increase communication and to remain actively involved in his life. This, however, is actually not helpful and can create and increase in opposition, isolation or family discord. Understanding the reason for the behavior can be helpful for mothers so that they do not take this pulling back personally and can allow their son some space to begin to develop independence. Sometimes this pulling back is not so obvious with fathers, however, it still exists. Sons may connect with their fathers around other things (playing sports, a game on the TV, a project in the house) while maintaining an emotional distance during this time of developing independence.

Boys more often than not will isolate and avoid confrontation when possible. However, that is not to say that boys do not display strong, negative emotions towards their parents which can be scary and very problematic. Yelling by adolescent males can be very aggressive and threatening in nature and at times the anger turns physical which can result in their throwing things, breaking things and at times even lashing out physically at a parent. As is already stated, this can be very scary for both the adolescent who has likely grown in size and strength and for the parent.

Can I say... well la tee da! Hum... how many diapers did I change? How much I suffered while trying to master the art of nursing... ouch! OK... it is a phase. I am a grown up. I am suppose to be well adjusted and handle all these changes. But you want to know the truth? I am ill equipped.

Maybe I should have taken up golf or hockey? Or maybe I can just relax a bit. It is on Sanj. Have fun with the bonding and all that stuff. I guess I was lucky enough to have the last 12.5 years of being loved. Oh yah, I still have 5 others that still show their love.

Guess if and when Tyler goes through this next year, I will be better prepared.

Do other parents go into this ... the teen years knowing all this stuff? How did I miss it? I am so good about reading and understand the phases of childhood. I must have read "What to Expect When Expecting" 7 times! If there a version I missed?

OK... I am not complaining. Thank you so much Cynthia, for pointing that out. I missed it. I was so busy taking it personally.

By the time Josh comes around for the ride, I will just check out and go backpacking in Europe! Yahoo! I can't wait!

Caution!

Last night I had a hundred different things I needed to write. I was too tired. Yet I couldn't stop the thoughts from flowing.

I was thinking of all the things that parents do, good and bad. I was thinking of how hard it is... parenting. I was thinking of the years past when they were babies. It really was easy when they were babies. Feed them, change them, play with them, love them... all of which was so natural.

Now... it is hit or miss.

I can still love them till it hurts but that isn't enough. They can hurt back. That wasn't the deal... was it?

I am not good at this stage. Suddenly I realize why God gave me Josh. While my 14 year old is there being not so nice... my 4 year old lays there and says to me, "You are a good mommy. I love you."

Caution... parenting is not for the weak at heart!

A New Way...

Yesterday was the Father/Son Golf Tournament at the boys club.

Sammy and Sanj were a team. Tyler asked a Mr. Neilson (fellow golfer, family friend, father to fellow classmate...) to be his fill-in dad.

They had a great day together. Sammy and Sanj came in second. Tyler forgot his bracelet so that may have impacted his game a bit! lol

The thing about community is there are always people will to fill in when you need a surrogate.

One of the positive things about Facebook is that there is interaction between people that may not normally interact. My boys having Facebook relationships with teachers and adults that they may not otherwise.

An example of this is Mr. Neilson... Tyler admires him as a golfer. At the club championships, Tyler was really hyped about his game. He had been practicing and studying his game.

The championships came and Tyler did not have a good game... according to him. He was frustrated and very down. I passed Mr. Neilson in the parking lot and was chatting about Tyler's frustration. He said ... "That's OK... tell Tyler I shot a **! But I had fun doing it!"

As I repeated the conversation... Tyler perked right up. "He really shot a **?" Smile.

I guess misery loves company.

I love the little conversations or one liners that the adults take time to leave the boys.

It is another form of encouragement and mentoring.

It may not be what we are used to ... but it is a new day.

It is a new way!

Rejuvenated!

It has been a stressful summer for those that serve on the board of our school. Financial issues have led to some families leaving and letting some teachers go. We are a family so it is so hard to accept these kinds of changes.

I wondered how it would all come about. Yet over the last weeks I have seen God's hand. Really seen HIS hand! Things have happened that are truly God's guiding. I love watching Him work.

I am one that gets so frustrated sometimes Looking FOR God that I miss the SIGHTINGS as they are happening in front of me.

Over the last few months I have said a couple of prayers asking God ... if it is possible... if He could work somethings out for people I care about.

I have to admit... I prayed both prayers with out much faith. Sad and bad but true.

I feel like I won the lottery. Not that these things have happened because of me... of course not. But sometimes you just need to see a God sighting... and how awesome when you see it in people's lives that are so deserving!

There has been so much of our school community coming together and just getting stuff done. I love it!!!

Today I was to go to the portable that was used as a reusable store at the school and finish cleaning it out. If you have read any of my blogs, you are well aware that cleaning is not my favorite thing to do. I hate cleaning.

I have to admit I was very overwhelmed looking at the stuff that needed to be done and not feeling well either.   Yet the two other moms that came to help brought their children too... we had 14 children between the 3 families... and the children WORKED!!!  It was so wonderful!

Add some teachers that came and donated their time and energy... a couple of dads that were there at the right time... It was great!!!

I am so thankful to be part of such a great place!!! (Hey... we are accepting applications... call for you tour... 705.743.1400)!

Being there rejuvenated me!  God is so good.

So I end this blog with this thought... never know who it may apply to...

Sometimes we think doors are closed.  We are accepting things as they have to be.  Yet sometimes God opens the door.  It may not be the easiest thing to walk into His open door yet sometimes we need to just walk through in faith.  Sometimes we need to let others get a blessing in doing and we need to be the gracious receiver.  Sometimes God is working things out even if we don't ask and just accept!

How awesome is it to serve a God that really does have us covered!

A Batty Day!

Wow! Today was a full day. I am exhausted by the constant need of mommy today. Not so much the physical exertion but the emotional one.

The boys were just busy and full of energy and then some. On the way to get a few heads of hair tamed, Sammy and Tyler wrestled, punched, slapped and laughed the whole way. I was stressed by the interaction waiting for a breaking sound or crying.

Then there was the "keep away Zach's ball cap" game while Zach was screeching for it.

Then there was who was going to sit in the back...

It was on going.

To add to the stress of my day... while at the school with a great group of ladies there to clean out the portable... I made my way to the office. As I walked down the hall this black THING flies past me... I could have touched it... I SCREAMED and ducked into the office shutting both doors as Rena, our sweet, calm secretary goes and tell our principal there's a BAT!!! ( I am shivering even as I write it!!!)

I am hiding out in the office.. in walks Mr. S ... I see his face (the expression he had on was similar to ones I had seen on my boys faces) and saw a thing in his hand as he throw it at me.

OK... I didn't even know I had the ability to scream as I did. I don't know WHAT I would have done had he really thrown a bat at me... but probably would have gone into cardiac arrest!

Oh MY GOODNESS!

I really was scared but that turned into embarrassment as I realized I had been teased.

What do they say about PAYBACK? Any ideas are welcome... especially from you, Mrs. S!

I think that little experience exhausted me! Mr.S did come and apologize saying he didn't know I was really scared! OK... forgiven but NOT forgotten!

So was my day full of testosterone. I love it. All of it for the most part. But today I could have used a bit of pink and fluff in my day. I wonder where I can get some cotton candy!

My Reality... Your Reality....

Today my girlfriend came up from Toronto.   We have known each other since my early days of marriage.  Our husbands played football together and we would hang out whenever we had the chance.

Her kids are in their 20s.  We are living in two very different worlds.   She called me once and said she was bored.  I was so upset.  "Don't call a mom of 6 boys and tell her your woes of being bored!"

It is a joke between us.  Do you have a friendship that is just easy?  It isn't any work?  We are together and it is just relaxing.  We call when we call and we see each other when we see each other.

She stepped into my reality for a few hours.  I am sure she is going to go home tonight and enjoy her reality... quiet and bored doesn't seem so bad! lol

She was shocked at the boyness of my boys.  We went to a creek so the boys would be occupied and we could hang out.  Yet I am not sure she really relaxed.  She is not used to boys wading into a creek looking for critters...  Yet she was fearfully curious... when the boys caught the crayfish, frog and even a fish.

The boys were very comfortable with her presence quickly and had no qualms of being there usual self of fighting for seats and nets.

Our reality is very different.  Our lives are very different.  I love her honestness and approach to life.  I love her realness.

I am glad that she thought our new house is closer... or felt much closer... maybe she will come down more often.  Or maybe I'll escape to her reality for a break!

A good day.  A good day spent with a friend.

The Bracelet

My sweet Tyler suffers from self afflicted anxiety.   There are some things that stress him out yet over the years and we have really worked at this.  

Yet now that he is of the age to initiate something things such as  playing in a golf tournament.  He does it with a lot of enthusiasm.  It is all good until the morning of the tournament.  Then the symptoms appear.

Usually it begins with a belly ache or symptoms of the flu.  When this doesn't work for him, we get a phone call with an injury.

One year he "broke his foot" by hitting his ball that hit a tree and ricochets back to hit his ankle.

At another one he had  sudden onset of the flu.

It is a well known fact that a new environment stresses him out as well as not knowing who he will golf with.

The boys saw/heard of the wristbands with pieces of magnet on them.  Many sports figures are wearing them.  It is been seen on the golf course to provide calm allow you to play your best game.

Tyler bought one.  He wore it to Hockey Camp... another thing he chose to do and really stresses about every year.  We knew that if it works we would know!

So does it work?  Many who have it swear it does.  The boys are in a golf tournament on Monday... so we shall see.

I don't know for sure... but he has been a lot calmer at hockey camp.  No sudden sicknesses showing up.  Just minor things... a helmet that is too tight... the need for a new mouth guard... but vomiting or life threatening injuries!

I may have to buy some stock!  Maybe I should buy myself one for the first day of school!

I Don't Really Have A Title...

I am stalling... as there is a very gross bathroom I have to clean before bed!

I just baked a blueberry cake... well I am waiting to make sure it turned out.

At the grocery store, if you spent over $100 you can 2 big things of blueberries. None of us are big blueberry people. So I made yummy muffins to disguise the blueberries... most ate the strudel topping... and to finish off the remainder of the blueberries... comes the cake.

If you are wondering why I write even when I have nothing to say... it is just me trying to discipline myself. Write everyday. It is what writers (the real ones) say to do. So I am ... thus my blog.

Today was a good day. Busy as usual. Then we went to the creek and played. I know I have hundreds of pictures of the boys playing at the creek. Yet I love taking pictures of them playing here because they are so engaged. They love it! They can't get enough!

As we were walking my 11 year old walks with me and says, "Can I hold your hand?" I love it!

Tonight I am laying down with Josh in bed and Max is keeping us company.

Max asks me "Would you want 6 boys or 6 girls?"

My reply... "6 boys."

Max replies " But you always said you wished you had a girl."

My reply... "Yes, Max... I do wish I had 1 girl not 6!"

Josh says " You are the girl!"

Phew problem solved. Good thing we just have one girl in this family!

Love Me... Like Me....

I am not sure what the mother rules are... so I am probably breaking a big one... but is it OK to admit you don't LIKE one of your kids?

Probably not, eh? Well good thing I am not talking about one of mine! lol They are all angels and I love them dearly!

A friend of mine is having a tough go. Her daughter is miserable all the time, rude and has a problem with entitlement. She is never wrong and therefore really does not feel the need to apologize. My girlfriend has so worried about her daughter not having a conscious.

I, personally think a parent is not going to like their child all the time. It is OK to feel that way because it is a real emotion and who really likes anyone 100% of the time. I don't like myself 100% of the time!

I remember when one of the boys was born, my labour was very painful. It was a short labour (I use that term loosely). 2 hours of active labour and I was out of this world in pain. I have to admit that when he was born, I really did feel anger towards this babe.

Stupid, yes, I know. But I was dealing with the boy factor even though I already knew the sex and to top it off, it so ridiculous the pain that I went through. I thought a shorter labour was going to be awesome... I would have rather been in 12 hours and had an easier time.

So day 1 went by and I started to feel really bad about not liking this babe. What if I didn't bond with him? I remember the 2nd night laying there, just staring at him. Slowing over a period of time, I feel in love with this rascal. He worked it and won my heart. He is a keeper.

Thankful love takes time sometimes... even for parents.

So as I watch my girlfriend struggle to like her daughter, I think it is perfectly normal, isn't it?

The love is there. The like factor is as it is in any relationship. Why should parenting be different?

But what do I know... as I am constantly reminded by my wonderful babes!

Lou Lou Skip to the Lou!

Living in a house full of men, I learn the funniest things. Women, we really are a very different sex. We just are. There really isn't a better sex, just very different.

Sanj comes home from being out and shares this experience with me. He is in the bathroom, doing his business at the urinal. Beside him is a boy... about Zach's age. The boy stares at him.

Discombobulated, my sweet husband turns a bit. The boys keeps staring. Sanj is extremely uncomfortable and leaves as quickly as possible.

As he is sharing with me his experience, I am laughing! I really didn't see what he was so stressed about.

I stumbled on this blog (http://bealing.wordpress.com/2009/05/27/dan-dan-the-lavatory-man ) and laughed again as I read this:

One night last week a bloke talked to me in the pub toilet. Yes, exactly, that’s what I thought. He actually tried to hold a conversation with me while I was going about my business. Yes. He did.

Most of you reading this will fully understand the distress this caused me, but in case a woman has accidentally logged in, I shall explain: Blokes don’t talk to each other in the loo. Never. Never, ever, ever. It’s just not done. I could be standing there at the urinals with my best mate to my left, my dad to my right and my long-lost brother washing his hand at the sink behind me and no words would be exchanged until we left the Gents. Protocol is to have one hand (or in my case two hands) on your willy and stare straight ahead reading the graffiti or the very amusing adverts for online poker on the wall in front of you. But whatever happens KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT, YOUR OPINIONS TO YOURSELF AND YOUR EYES FRONT !!!

A public lavatory is a place where we men feel at our most vulnerable. We’re not the greatest communicators at the best of times, so the chances of indulging in idle persiflage fly out of the window the minute we get our winkles out.

So this bloke—let’s, for the sake of looking for another joke, call him Dan— so this bloke Dan spoke to me in the Gents. I have no idea what he said, I was in shock. All I know is that it wasn’t “Alright, mate?” or “Ooooooooh, that’s better”. No, it was in the form of an opening line of a conversation. I just heard noise, my brain couldn’t process the information. Virtually all of my body froze, though part of it went limp and shriveled. I zipped up, nodded politely (I’m British, after all) and left immediately and quickly, and what I had started in the urinal was left to dribble down the inside of my trouser leg as I fled.

Are you laughing with me?!!!

I wondered if our boys knew this... so I asked them over lunch. Sammy looks at me and says, "why are you talking like this?" I guess the natural discomfort is something born in them. Sanj said that most boys just pick up on this kind of social etiquette.

I can't image going to the bathroom and doing my business in front of everyone. Why are there urinals? How come they just can't have stalls like we do? What does it mean when a guy does go into a stall?

Aw... the mysteries of the opposite sex!

The Bed!

It is 5:42 a.m. and I am up.  This is not a typical thing but as I climbed back into bed I felt like I was climbing a sand dune!

Our bed is a gadget bed.  It is one that has two single size bladders that make a kind bed.  The "luxury" of this bed is that each person can have their chosen level of comfort.

It was a splurge many years ago that my sweet dear hubby bought.

He is a gadget person.  He is also stubborn!

Over the years the something or other leaks causing the mattress to slow get softer and softer.  If you are on my side, you can actually roll off as you would as a kid rolling down the hill.

It is a chore to hook up the tubal thing and pump it up.  So it doesn't get done too often.  So by morning I have rolled down hill and am snuggled into Sanj!  Hum... maybe this is his motive all along... as I am a leave me alone sleeper.

I keep threatening to go out and buy a new bed... which may happen at some point.  Yet there always seems to be too many other things to buy with that kind of money! lol

So as I climbed back onto my bed... feeling grits of sand... from the boys who laid there after no doubt playing in the sand box...

I felt like I was at the sand dunes... I just need a bucket and shovel!

My COUSIN...

I want to tell you about one of my cousins. Ujjal.... a.k.a James. We are one month apart. He is 6'6 and in drag is one of the prettiest ladies! Well... at least has one of the best bodies in drag! lol

We grew up together. We fought, played and love each other. After my family left Florida in 1982 and moved to Ohio I used to get letters from him or phone calls chatting about all his girl friends.

Sometimes while I was in university, he came and lived with us for a while. He needed a place of refuge as he came out. I discovered all his girlfriends were really boyfriends.  His Dad did not handle that his son loved other men.

He is the most loving guy you will meet. He also comes with a fierce temper. He is musical and gifted in the arts. He is also in many ways the most honest person you will meet. I know in the first 5 minutes if my makeup or outfit meets his standards. Usually they don't! I always have a great time with him!

His world is so different from my world. Yet when we are together... we are family. Blood is thicker than all the differences. Our love for each other has seen us through many rough moments.

A few years ago, (I did blog this already) when my dad was knocking on death's door... my cousin flew in from Texas with his life partner and was there... saying "I knew this would be rough, so we came."

Is that love or what? It is one of the most beautiful things someone has done for me.

This is a man that lives in a 200 square foot house (no that isn't a typo) that they built... with no bathroom yet. (They walk across the lawn to the dad's house).

Ujjal lives a simple life. He has learn from so many hard life moments that the most important thing in life is not the size of ones house, or the initials after your name or what is in your saving account... it is who you love. If you have someone to share your life with... you are rich.

Today is his birthday. For 30 days he is older than me! Yes that does count! I called him to wish him a Happy Birthday! He isn't his usual self. What is wrong.... my heart starts to pound.

Both our parents ... his mother and my father (siblings) are in poor health... a crisis is always waiting to happen.

He then tells me that Johnny, his partner, is in the hospital. Heart failure. His liver is shot... his kidneys are failing... he is dying. My cousin is waiting to see if he will turn a corner.

He told me he went home last night and sat in his truck for 2 hours. He couldn't bear the thought of going into an empty house.

I want to get into the plane and be there, right now. He says wait. If I didn't have my family to think of, I would be there tomorrow.

So I wait. I will send Johnny flowers tomorrow so he remembers that I love him. He is family. How can I love this man I barely know? Because he has shown my cousin love and happiness. He lifted his hands and cleaned out my Dad's apartment while we planned his funeral. He stood up for me when I needed help. He is part of our family.

I will pray for Johnny that if God sees fit, could he grant Johnny more years with my cousin?

I will pray for my sweet dear cousin. I pray for strength and peace.

I feel so sad. I feel so far away. I wish I could be that support for him that he was for me.

So all I can do is pray. I pray for a miracle for him... for both of them. I pray that God will make Himself so real to my cousin who has been so hurt by church and all that he grew up with.

I love you, my sweet cousin! I know it isn't a happy birthday Ujjal. But I am so glad you are here... you make this world better just by being you.

Morning WWF...

It is morning... all are still asleep, except Sanj, who has been off to the gym a while ago.   I love this time of day.  It is perfect weather to snuggle into my blanket and shut my eyes and relax.

Then comes the first set of padding of feet.  Usually it is Josh.  We lay there snuggling.  I love this time.

Then another set of feet... another body snuggles on the other side of me.  Aw... lots of love to go around.

Soon enough another set of feet... this body stretches out across the bottom of my bed... in contact with my feet.  Everyone still has a piece of me.  It is not as quiet.  There is teasing going on... soon that turns into something annoying.

By the time two other set of feet come in.... there is fighting for a piece of me... there is arguing for blanket, there is arguing about body parts that aren't mine touch them... the quiet is gone, long gone.

I feel like I am in the midst of the WWF... time for me to claim my body... all the pieces of me that have been stretched to the max.

Aw... I know I am loved.  I know that this is a precious thing... the morning snuggle.  

Yet... the constant competition... for the love and hugs... if they would just be... there is plenty to go around!

This morning I hear.... 

Max:  "I am mommy's favorite.  She told me!"

Zach: "Actually I am her favorite!"

Max:  "Actually she told us all that!"

Aw... good to know they can keep a secret! lol

Favorites are a very real part of my day.  I do have favorites... but it changes hourly.  lol

So begins my morning.  Just a couple of more weeks of this... and soon it will be back to the abrupt wake ups of the alarm clocks... rush, rush and rush because I've hit that snooze button too many times!

So... I breathe in... and enjoy the snuggles, complaining and tug for blankets.

Nature Calls...

I am going to vent for a minute. I have bathroom issues. Most people have issues with public bathrooms. That is perfectly understandable. It is even normal.

Most do not have issues in their own home.

I usually go to the bathroom in our bedroom when I need to use the facilities.

The two other main bathrooms are the ones used my the males in my house.

I had a house cleaner for a while which always helped keep things under control. But since that is not available at the moment... I have had issues.

With summer here, I really have tried to focus on doing things with the kids rather than for them.

I have let the urge to have a home in order all the time go by the wayside to go to the beach or pool.

It is all good.

I decided to leave the bathrooms to see what happens.

Well the answer is nothing! Aiming is a problem. So if I am not constantly wiping, nagging and mopping... the result is that the bathrooms look that of a public restroom... and then I catch them running upstairs to MY bathroom!

I am even OK with the toilet seat being up because there is less of a chance to sit on a wet seat!

(I can hear you! lol)

SO... I went to Costco, bought the mega tubs of Clorox wipes. After you use it, WipeIt! Whether it needs to or not. My other tactic is to make them clean it... the bathrooms in all its disgusting state. They do not react nicely to that. Well neither do I.

I used to think that the idea bathroom would be six different sizes of urinals. Surely they wouldn't miss. But then the thought of cleaning those... yuck.

So... is life with 7 males. Seats up, aim, shoot, miss!

Following Through!

If your life has any involvement in sports, you have definitely heard the phrase... "Follow through with your swing!" It is said in baseball and golf. I am sure it is used in other sports too.

Following though is not a strong point in my life. I am a great starter... yet if it is a task that does not involve my heart and soul, it often gets set on the back burner.

Laundry, cleaning out closets, organizing areas of the house, paying bills ... you get the picture... are all things that I have the best intentions when I start pulling all the junk out and yet if I get interrupted... I am domed!

This particular thing... following through... is the hardest for my in the area of parenting.

I know all the things my children should do... yet the nagging, whining and incomplete efforts so often keep my from following through.

It is that tough love that I need to get better at. I see them tired and relaxed and feel bad to bug them to do the dishes... and yes, I am tired myself, but know it will be done properly and in half the time.

But then there are days as I watched as one discards his socks in the truck and leaves them there, another eats and leave the plate where it is... as I watch them do the things that annoy the beegeebers out of me... I realized that I can only blame myself.

I have got to follow through. It is one of those life skills that they must learn. Just like brushing ones teeth... cleaning up after ones self... being responsible for the tasks one is given.

I was really good at handing out chores and seeing that they were complete during the school year. I guess once summer came and routine went out the window... so did my will power to keep at them.

Today, as I look at mess surrounding all of us... I realize that I am raising my worst nightmare.

I never want to have sons that go out into the world not knowing how to take care of themselves. Sure they KNOW how to do it... laundry, iron their shorts, dishes, put groceries away but as they get older I need to really let them do it.

As they learn to take care of themselves, the will also really appreciate the times it is done for them.

Following through. I always love a new school year as I see it as a New Beginning of sorts for me too. Get back into routine. It gives me a sense of control and order.

SO... as I look around me... I breathe. I need to follow through.

Hum... favorite shoes... a pair of favorite shorts... that is a couple of easy dollars I just made.

Maybe I will be able to buy a back to school outfit! :)

Finger Exercise...

I am sitting down with the urge to write. What to write I am not sure... but just as an alcoholic needs a drink, I am feeling the need to write.

This morning I took Josh in to his classroom for a "get to know each other" play. The JK/SK's are combined this year and so the play was planned by the teachers to make the transition smoother.

I stood there for a few minutes feeling old. Actually feeling very old. Most of the moms were in there early 30s. I am not. lol I have been a part of this school for 10 years and yet all of a sudden I felt like a new family.

I am also dealing the my four year old regressing... It is like he has not been potty trained. He doesn't seem to care. None of my reactions have been effective. None! So I am trying to really be calm. I wonder if he is not scared and excited all at the same time. I feel this... I am just not going to the bathroom in my undies! lol Maybe if I did, I may feel better!

Being in the school was so refreshing. I can't wait. I can't wait to be an active part. My mind is running a few hundred miles a minute! It is such a wonderful place for me.

Today I am trying really hard to catch up on laundry and house work. I am trying to get control of my life. Not sure when I lost control... but I need to get some of it back.

I am reading a book... in the end phases of it. I hate when I have to say goodbye to the characters. I love when an author writes so well that you really get the character.

I hate starting new books ... just because I hate the getting to know you part.

I am sad that summer is coming to a close. Getting to school for 9 this morning was yucky. Getting back to that everyday.... yuck! And making lunches... double yuck!

As you can see, I really had nothing to say... just needed to exercise my fingers a bit!

Change and Being Part of that Change...

Change! It is a word that can cause all sorts of discombobulation to a soul! Over the past couple of years our school has had to go through significant changes. It has changed the essence of our school.

Is that a weird thing to say? Probably, unless you have been part of our school community. The great thing about our school is the fellowship and community that makes it such a unique place.

There was change in leadership, on many levels.

It is a scary thing when a leader takes his own agenda and pushes it at any cost. Now we are paying that price.

We said goodbye to one of the pillars of our schools. It has been a hard transition. I was busy mourning this loss wondering how we would recover.

I remember this man saying, "Our school's face should not be centered around one person."

Yet it was and how right he was.

Yet while I spent a year with my head buried in the sand... life went on.

I made the discovery that change means different. Different does not have to mean bad. Just different.

So as new leadership has come into place... I realize that it all good. It just means embracing the change. It means being open to the change. It means fostering all those things that are important to me... fellowship and community.

Our new principal is different than the former. He brings with him unique gifts and skills that will add to our school.   I had to just  wrap my head around the fact that that isn't here nor there... it is all good.

I realize that we need to give him the support and encouragement that fosters success for him as well as our school.

So, I see this year as a new beginning of sorts all around. I am excited and full of many ideas. I am looking forward to being part of my old committee and being adventurous and joining a new one. Yikes!

I can't wait! I am looking forward to being back were I am part of a unique group of people.

I am looking forward to making new friends and memories.

What I learned is that you can't stop change. You can whine about it... but it doesn't change anything. Yet you can embrace change and be a part of it. It is all good.

As I open myself to embracing the change, I have met people that are wonderful and simply need to be given a chance to be part of a successful change.

So here's to a new beginning... change and being part of the change!

Dreams and Passions!

Last night I went to see Julie and Julia. I loved it! Both actresses were fabulous!

I watched my own emotions and thoughts being played out on the screen.

I loved that search for what both women were meant to do. This is where I am now in my life. I don't want to be doing something mediocre. I feel this need and desire to do the thing that I was here to do. I just don't quite know what it is!

Motherhood, for sure is the core of my being. And while there are days I feel that I have done a horrid job and other moments that I feel that it is all good, there is now a part of me that is ready to find that rest of me.

I love that the movie incorporated blogging. It brought out just how I feel about writing and expressing thoughts. Most people don't get it. What is the need to share with cyberspace?

I guess I don't think of it as cyberspace. I think of it as my journal of sorts. And yet there is a need to share... not knowing who will read it and get it.

The next step in life ... how do I find fulfillment while doing the things I need to do? Working in Sanj's office, of course is just a necessity not my dream job. But it is a step... a safe first step to leaving home... my office for so many years.

What would be dream job be? It would be writing. I am not sure of what I would be writing about... but definitely writing. I also realized that as much as I love photography, I wouldn't want to make a career of it. I think that would kill my love for it.

So I continue to write. As I watched the movie last night, my hands felt a bit numb at one point because I just needed to start writing at that moment so badly.

I loved the men in this movie. They loved their women so much and just pushed them to find their passion. This is the kind of man I live with. Sanj is always encouraging me to do my next project. You know ... the one that wakes me up at night and keeps me up! He believes in me and pushes me to do it.

I loved the cooking aspect of the movie too. As much as I hate to cook the day to day meals... I think I would actually love it if I could cook like that. I mean, how wouldn't be able to make delicious dishes with BUTTER?

So I left this movie feeling so charged. I know that this year is one that is full of changes and challenges. But I am ready. I am excited at the possibilities that are waiting for me!

I am looking forward to finding the rest of me... and I am excited about the ride as I go on this journey!

Happy Birthday Mom...

Today is my mom's birthday.

I am so grateful to her for many things yet the most important was having me! 

I have so much of who I am today because of her and her life journey.

I wish her so much happiness, peace and love as she continues to write her Happily Ever After!

Happy Birthday Mom.

I love you.

Peace Be Still!

Tonight while I was at hockey camp with Zachary, I heard people mumbling about tornadoes nearby.  As we headed home, sure enough we could see ugly clouds.

Just as we pulled into the drive, the lightening put on quite a show for us.  Then the wind and rain came full force.  It was so beautiful.  I wish I could have just enjoyed it.  But as the storm became more threatening, we headed to the basement.

The boys were full of a mixture of  trepidation  and yet excitement.  Sanj was heading home from board meeting which came to a rapid close.

I love a storm.  I feel wonderment for God's creation in the fierceness of the wind and rain.

I think of the disciples in the boat fearing for their lives.  In all fairness, I am sure, if I was one of them... I, too, would have been scared.

I love that when life is too rough and I am worried about my own "tornado"  that I can just shout out and know that He has it all under control.  "Peace be Still!"

I love a storm.  I love the feeling of peace I get from  watching it.  It is like  watching the frustrations of life  but from a safe seat... inside my house.  Safe and Sound.

Then it all gets quiet.   Outside has been washed clean.  The rain leaves it all freshly scented!

Perfect.

Fear Factor

Have you ever watched that show Fear Factor? I loved watching it. It made people do things that made me shut my eyes to keep from watching. Eating gross things, driving a car off into a pool of water and then getting out...

It was also a show that showed how we can be scared of things that aren't necessarily scary. It is our preception that sometimes effects our judgement.

This is the case in living life as a child that grew up with physical abuse.

As a child, there were certain sounds that sent my body into shock. The biggest one is the sound of someone falling down. That thunk that is heard when a body has fallen is the one that sends me into a few seconds of panic.

I was in university, and my third year I lived with a wonderful family. I have spoken of them in my blog. They were a special gift to me from God. A normal mom and dad, with 2 children, a boy and girl. Isn't that what they call the million dollar family?

In exchange for room and board, I would watch their children when the parents were at work.

My room was in the basement. Shortly after I moved in, I hear that thunk sound. I couldn't move. How in the world did I find this again?

I was petrified. I didn't move. Then I heard the sounds of laughter. The kids were jumping off the sofa.

One of the things that drives Sanj nuts is my mom's fear of everything. He can't walk past her without her cowering. He takes it so personally that she would be scared of him. He can't understand that when one lives a life of fear, it stays with them. Period. I live my life with the fear of "What if this time..."

We learned not to go into my mom's room and touch her if she is asleep. She always jumped with fear. "Just call me..." she would tell us. Even now, when she is visiting, if I need to wake her up and call to her, she always wakes up startled and scared.

In my heart, I know that Sanj would never hit me or hurt me. If he hasn't by now... especially when I messed up the skating rink... I know I am safe. (That was a joke)!

But still when he is angry, I feel myself cowering within. I may yell back or be all brave on the outside but inside I am feeling the fear that was instilled in me as a young girl. It doesn't go away.

When I moved to Ottawa to teach, years ago, I lived in an apartment. I woke up to a body being slammed against the wall we shared. Oh My Gosh! Talk about fear. Screaming, yelling, and throwing.

I believe that fear is a factor of life for those that have lived with violence.

There is always a fear factor once violence has been in your life.

I don't think that it necessarily has to rule your life... but sometimes it does.

I love with the fear that maybe someday, sometime, that will come back to me. I know that it won't but then there are always circumstances that you have no control over.

For me, one of the ways of keeping myself safe is if you ever touch me, once... you are out. Out of my life. It is the hardest thing I have had to do, yet it is the only way I know to keep myself safe.

Fear Factor... sometimes you have not been given the choice of your fears.

Beaten

I have made a huge attempt to move from the past and live in today and the future. Yet I can't help but bring up the past as it is so much of who I am. I am this person today, made from all the good and bad moments of yesteryear.

So I go back for a bit in this blog... I have to. I have to write and release and yet really hope if one person reads it and it makes a difference, it is to that person I write.

I went to see my aunt and uncle yesterday. Theirs is a relationship of abuse. Physical and emotional.
My uncle was very hard on my cousins, they got butt-whopping too. Not that this makes a difference but I do believe their were beat when misbehaving... though the beats they received were hardly appropriate punishments. My uncle was a very hard man. He grew up this way and I suppose that this is the only way he knew. He has a fierce temper.

Their marriage was one of craziness. While I don't know all the sordid details, I believe at some point, both had affairs. My uncle had a girl... a young girl ... that was the "love of his life." This lady was the third person in the marriage, to this day.

While I don't know all the detail, while visiting them a few years ago, my aunt came into my room, crying. She just kept saying "please pray for us." Then she started sharing things I didn't want to know.

When with them, I still feel like I am 12 years old. They always treated my well and I loved them.

My mom made the offer for my aunt to leave all the "stuff" and come live with her.

My aunt will never leave. There is money and that keeps her as well as the grandsons that live in a sad cycle too.

My uncle is mean to her. She is beaten, emotionally. She responds to him with fear and no willpower.
He makes derogatory comments and she just tightens her mouth.

I felt so sad and helpless.

It made me feel the helplessness I felt as a child.

So here is the thing. There really is NO good reason (that I can think of ) that anyone should stay in an abusive relationship.
If you are being beat... that is AGAINST THE LAW. If you think staying for your children is a good enough reason... IT ISN'T.
If you are being beaten EMOTIONALLY... there is freedom just a phone call away.

Is it going to be easy? NO! It will be the hardest thing you did. Yet you are strong enough... how do I know? Because ANYONE who has lived with what you are... can only be strong to have survived.

Do I wish my mom left my dad years ago? YES!!! You have no idea how strong a YES that is. Yet I am proud that she left him when she did. She was the only one to really benefit by this point, yet she still lives with people casting judgement on her.
People do not understand the life threatening reality that it is.

It is so ignorant of people to judge when they have not walked in those shoes. My aunt often tells my mom how lucky she is.
It is amazing that situation you will allow yourself to live in because of fear.

As a child of abuse, living it and watching it... It is a part of my everyday. I am not in danger nor do I live with abuse of any kind (accept laundry)... yet there isn't a day that goes by that it is not a part of my day. NOT ONE DAY!

I will write of this on an upcoming blog called ... Fear Factor.

I love reading books of women who live in countries where women are oppressed that rise and defy the unfairness and stand up and say "I am worth living just as men do."

OK... I know it is fear that keep most women in their situation. You can rise above your fear.

YOU CAN! I believe in you. I love stories where women conquer their fear and live their own Happily Ever After!

My hairdresser is from Poland. Her husband is an abuser. For years, I gently encouraged her to seek her happily ever after. I shared my mom's story. I shared my own thoughts as a child who lived through it. Her own children hated their father.

One day, finally she left him. She left the money and house. She left her security. She just had her job and her kids. It took a while. She went back to him a couple of times. But at some point she realized that she was O.K. without him. She could make it. Her children were O.K.

She had to give up some things but the trade off was incredible.

She is a lady in her 50s living her Happily Ever After.

So awesome. And what an example to her children. Nobody has the right to hurt you. NOBODY. Nothing is worth that... no amount of money or whatever you may be selling your soul for.

OK... that this is me venting. I know that my aunt will die never knowing her Happily Ever After. It really makes me sad. God gave us so much... He gave some of us more, knowing what we would have to live with.

If... there is someone reading this that needs help... and doesn't know who to call.... my email is sukreema@hotmail.com

I also know some of you have lived it. You are my hero!

A Trip Back Down Memory Lane...

Today I took a trip down memory lane.

My aunt and uncle are here from the States for a visit. I took the boys and went to see them. They are staying in Toronto in the area I grew up. Willowdale, by Bathurst and Finch.

It is funny, because as I drove by the old neighbourhood, I felt warm fuzzies.

I lived there from age 2 - 10 years old. It was the area my parents came and settled after moving from India.
Not much has changed in the neighbourhood. Everything looks aged and a bit more run down. Then there are the properties that have been torn down and replaced with new structures.

I have so many memories of this area. Walking home from school with my brother, throwing snow balls and ducking out to avoid pelts of snowballs. The big piles of snow after a snow storm, and falling into the pile and disappearing... Going across the road and getting the best pound cake at the bakery (that was gone now).

When I think of this time in my life, I have child-like memories. I think during this time, I did have worries about my dad's temper tantrums but life was busy and full and I was busy being a kid.

I have memories of swimming in the pool at our apartment (no pool there anymore), walking home from school, discovering a milk pod (I love those things), hanging out with my friends, who lived next door to us in the apartment.

I love how I was unaware of how wore out the buildings were. Bugs were just a part of life. Everyone dressed in mismatched clothes. I don't remember wanting for things. I remember feeling content.

Maybe that is why I love driving back there. I don't go there very often. So it is always a neat feeling when I do go back.
I have this distant memory of walking across the street to the store with my dad, holding his hand. That memory always comes back. I have another one of my having a febrile seizure around the age of 9, and my dad carrying me to the ER. I have this distinct memory of being held by him in the elevator. I didn't want him to know I was awake, so he would continue to hold me.

Funny, the things that creep back to memory. It was a nice morning, going back down memory lane.

Pimples and First Kisses...

Yesterday we were in the car and Zachary says "I look like a teenager... with pimples!"
(He got some kind of rash on his face probably from the heat).

Then this conversation was along the lines of teenagers and kissing.

I said, "Zach, not all teenagers kiss. I was out of high school when I had my first kiss."

Zach looks at me and says so honestly... "Yah, but you were kinda geeky with your big glasses and all!"

Out of the mouth of a babe... and the truth does hurt a bit! lol

Just A Game?

Today's lesson was unfairness taught on the golf course.

Sammy and Tyler both played in the club championships today. It was really hot out! Humid. Hot! Very Hot!

I admired that they stuck to it. I would have had no qualms to say forget it!

As they were finishing their games, we could see that they weren't happy.

For whatever reasons, heat, the pressure (that they put upon themselves), just the way the game was played... both of them had a "bad" game. They were very frustrated and disappointed.

I guess as much as it is "just a game" it never is.

Every year they play with one of their schoolmate, every year this child cheats.

Everyone know it.

To add to the boys frustration was this child and his cheating.

The sad thing is this child lives with the pressure of his parents. The dad rides the course with him during the championship.
The cheating is obvious. What is this child learning? To win at any cost?

It is so heart-wrenching to see your child's disappointment. It is a proud thing to see them finish despite all the obstacles.
It is one of those lessons... that in life there will always be cheats. You have to know that you did your best... and when your best is not good enough (for you) then thankfully there is tomorrow.

Club Championships ... Day 2. Another hot day is in the forecast. I simply prayer...

God, please help my boys understand that all You expect is our best. Help them to see the gifts they have and not judge their abilities on just a day's effort.
And if you don't mind...God... Please let tomorrow be a great day for them... and their game!

FORE! (Golf terminology, I think)!

How Cool Can Max Be... Written by Max

Well, my son, Max is cool. The coolest... the cool of all cool! Thats just the beginning. He is the cool of all cool but it is tough because Max is well, just plain COOL!!! He is AmAzInG at hockey. Once he scored 5007 goals in one game. Well someday he will or not but he did in soccer. I am telling the truth. Max is a pop legend for over 5000 years. Max is so funny that one time he made a grown man laugh his head off... literally.

Me ... Where Art Thou?

I start this blog out with a disclaimer... I love my boys and husband. I love my life as I know it... 99.4 % of the time.

This is that .6% that is speaking.

I am sure many of you know what I am talking about. I am pretty sure it is normal... and if you say you never have felt like this... I would say you are lying or unique.

I wonder what it would be like to just get in the car and go. Leave life as I know it behind. If it was possible to take away the emotions of missing and loving all that I would leave behind.... what would I do? Where would I go?

I love driving. I love no destination. I would love to just get lost. Maybe New York City or some bayou somewhere?

I really see myself by water... usually the ocean. I see myself truly relaxed and feeling peace. I would probably munch on some peanut brittle, have a diet Coke handy and a book. It wouldn't be too hot and there wouldn't be too many bugs.

I would sleep till I couldn't sleep anymore.

I would eat without guilt.

I would reacquaint myself with friends that I only struggle to keep in touch because life gets in the way.

I would just exhale. A nice, long fulfilling exhale.

It would be all about me.

Then I am sure I would get bored.

But that time that it took to really allow myself to exhale was perfect.

I have found me again. Not the mom me, the wife me, the friend me, daughter me, the sister me... but rather the me that was there before every bit of me was being tugged by all the other mes.

Is this a crazy post? Probably. I just sometimes feel like the me that is really me gets so lost.

I forget me so often. I don't want to do that. I want to have moments where I remember all of me there is.

I was thinking that running away from all the mes would help me do that.

I suppose there is a time when that me will be my focus again.

Right now the mommy-me needs to call my babes in to start ending this day.

Inquiry Minds Want to Know!

It is 3:22 p.m. on Friday afternoon. I am hot and tired. Very tired. I want and need a nap so badly. But then the toilets are calling, as is the laundry. We have a party tonight too.

I love summer. I am enjoying it more this summer. I have found it relaxing and enjoyable. Yet there really isn't too much of a break.

That is what is missing... recess! :)

I had to take Zach to the doctor to make sure that this rash on his face was not something terrible that I was overlooking.

As we sat in the waiting room, Josh sits on my lap.

"Mommy, you don't have a penis... right?" asks Josh...

The other boys are appalled by his loudness.

I couldn't help but laugh at their discomfort as well as just the whole thing.

"Shhhh Josh, we have already talked about this... NO mommy doesn't," was my reply... and then reminded him to talk quietly.

"What do mom's have?" Josh just continues...

Oh dear!

I am laughing. I can't help it. Boys and their toys!

What funny creatures!

Hearting...

No, that isn't a typo. It means my heart is hurting. I can't believe that I am going to be sending Josh to school!
I love this picture... I wish it had turned out better... but it captures our relationship. Mutual admiration. Josh and I!

I realized today that this isn't really about him and if HE is ready... but rather it is about me! (Yah... what's new)!

Today as I was chatting with his teachers... I was telling them a bit about him and my concerns... and started feeling silly because I realized as it was coming out of my mouth... that it was silly.

He isn't really good about him and his lack of taking care of his bathroom issues.
He hasn't really been away from me... and if he has, his brothers or dad where there.
He is a very particular boy.
He is so the youngest. Spoiled... catered too.

How many times have they (his teachers) heard this?

I realized it is my issues. Wow. I can't believe it. The last four years have gone by very slow for me. Having Josh was life changing. I had to really work through issues and release my heart's desires to God. I had to really let go of control.

I had this little boy that adored me. He breathe me. He was attached to me to the point that it was suffocating. Yet the more I pushed him away... the more he clung.

Over the last years, we finally found our groove. He got comfortable with me and my love being there... even though he couldn't alway see it. I think he finally felt it in his heart.

It took this last year for him to start to physically let go. The funny thing is that I missed him. I found myself seeking him out for a hug or kiss.

Now... as he gets ready to leave me for hours in a day, I find my heart skipping a beat. I can't really imagine my days without his constant companionship. I find myself feeling sad that I am truly done having little ones. Ready... yes, very ready... but nevertheless... feeling a sadness that I didn't really expect.

He has the greatest teachers in the world. He has the best school there is. He has most of his brothers a few doors down...
yet I feel scared. I never want him to feel alone. I never want him to lose that loveliness that makes him who he is.

OK... I will get over it. He will be great.

Today Josh asked me (as he often does...) "Are you happy that Jesus gave me to you?"

Over the last 4 years, there have been many variations to that answer! lol

Yet today... I just wanted to squeeze him till he felt all the love that is oozing out of me... How glad I am that Jesus gave Josh to me. He wasn't a girl that I thought I needed... yet God blessed me with this child that loves so easily and forcefully. He loves so hard it hurts if you really process his love. He is such a gift. He is my never-ending gift of love.

As we get ready to start this new phase of life... I know we are both going to be fine. (Right)?

Josh... hang on tight.... it is going to be a great ride!!!

Love is...

Love... it's about sometimes knowing you are right and letting it go.
Isn't it?

Love is about spending moments wondering why you are in this...
Isn't it?

Love is about forgiving again... knowing that they doesn't see the offensiveness of it!
Isn't it?

Love is about moments in time rather than days, weeks and months of "perfect" love.
Isn't it?

Sometimes it seems easier just doing it rather than nagging about it.
Doesn't it?

Sometimes it is endless. Sometimes it is overwhelming. Sometimes it is just hard. Sometimes it is lonely.
Don't you think?

Yet I know that for all the moments that these feelings have to be worked through...
I love loving and being loved.

It is worth it. Loving them is worth it. This is just a moment in time.
So I continue onward... knowing this moment will pass.
It is just a moment.

Love IS patient. Love IS kind. Love IS long-suffering.
Yet what would life be like without love.

So I stop and think of all those I love.
I realize that my cup is overflowing.
Life really is good.
I will remember to say "I love you."
I will remember the moments.

P.S. No, Sanj, this isn't necessarily about you. It is more for those that are struggling today... at this moment.
Hang in there.

Driven...

Today I have been thinking of Tyler, my second born. Sammy and Tyler are as different as they come. Every part of them are opposites.

Tyler was OBSESSING about going to the golf course today. He had a really good game on Friday. He is eager to practice and perfect his game. He is so eager to place in the Club Championships.

It stormed ... thunder and lightening was happening as he was getting ready to go.

He was not happy. After a bit the weather let up.

"Can I go to the club?" he kept asking.

Fine! I may as well take him and let him do what he needs to do.

He was so happy. "I love you. Thank you for driving me."

Then he was explaining to me that he had a notebook and had drawn the golf course. At each hole, he works out his average drive (???) I think... which then lets him know which iron he should use. (Not sure if I have used all the right terms )...

Wow. I was impressed. I can't imagine being out there alone hitting balls into holes. I'd probably get chased by a gopher for putting in his hole! lol

Tyler is so obsessed.... which is the word I would use most to describe him. If he gets an idea... it is virtually impossible to change his course. Today I would change that word to driven and motivated.

I hope he makes it as he deserves it.

Driven! He is a lot like his dad that way. He gets his focus and drive from Sanj... who doesn't mind working at the same thing over and over!

GO Tyler GO!