Straightening Up!

My dear children have inherited horrid teeth. Sanj and I both had years of orthodontics to help our smiles. So it is no surprise that the boys... all follow suit.

Tyler has the craziest teeth ever! If you were taking a hike in his mouth you would have to do some serious navigation as there is certainly no straight path!

Yesterday was the big day... Braces! My boy has been a trooper. He was very anxious initially and did a great job being brave.

His beautiful smile is only going to break more hearts! Oye...

Whooped!

Motherhood... usually you hear all the joys of it. The occasional sob story... and then the usual complaint about laundry, lunches and all the annoyances of life.

Yesterday I wondered why I never hear of motherhood equated to a dishrag, used, wrung out and hung to dry.
.

I am a mother to my children. This is all I have ever wanted was to just get it right. ( I didn't say perfect...) I expect nothing... thanks and hugs are bonuses. Manners are demanded. Aside from that ... not much else.

I always thought that I would have children that confided in me. I have worked hard to build trust and lead by example.

I always wondered if one of the boys had a crush on a girl (well even a boy...) they would shared their thoughts with me.
I always thought that we would do the journey of teenage years together.

I was wrong. I am not even allowed in that vehicle much less invited to go on the journey.

I get it. NO MOMS ALLOWED. Sanj was like this. HE was very private with his thoughts. I can't remember actually sharing mine with my parents but I never hid it.

I guess I just thought if I did it right (at least the way I think is right) I would be there with them.
Some parents get this. Obviously this is not my privilege.

I hate that I can not do anything right. "Do you want me to help you with your Science project?"
"No... I got it.
At 10 p.m. I am in bed... ready to release all the stresses of the evening... I hear " Mom, could you help me glue this?"

I know... I am first the parent. But it sucks to always be wrong or offensive even when you are thinking you are not.

So as I get my hugs from Josh, my "I love you" from Zach, my "Thank you, Mommy" from Max, my hug and kiss from Jordan (only at bedtime), and my "Thanks Mom, I love you" from Tyler... I am grateful for the non- moody moments that pass in the 24 hour period from my dearly loved oldest.

Infliction of the hormones must suck. Yet deep down I must settle for knowing that I CAN buy a smile with a wanted spring jacket... lol. I must settle in knowing that I have spent the last 13 years loving this child/young man as hard as I can. I have done the best I have known how. And when I have messed up, I have said the hard 'I am sorry."

I have the hope that the infliction is a passing thing... in a few years I am told it will be replaced with the budding of a fine young man.

And as each day passes... I get promises from the young ones that as THEY come to the ages of raging hormones... they WILL love their mom. They will smother me with hugs and juicy details of their hearts. Yah Right!

As the mother of a teenager, I feel like a dishrag... useful to clean up messes then left wrung out and laid to dry... till the next situation arises.

I am so whooped!

Puppy Love

This is our little puppy... her name is little Bala. I am not sure if that name will stay... as Josh really want to name her Indie. :)

She is about 5 weeks old. We saw her when she was a day old. This weekend we will get to see her romping around the yard. She is the smaller one of the litter yet beats up her siblings! She should fit in just fine! :)

The boys are in love. They all want one ( each a different one) from the litter of 6 pups. Yikes!

Can't wait to bring her home.

Yah... yah... I know all the stories already.

She will come home later April, I believe.

Puppy love... you can see where that comes from.

My Dad Was Here...

On Friday my dad came for a visit.

Yes, my dad... He came and spent the day here.

I gave the boys the choice to have lunch with him or not.. We went to our usual spot, East Side Marios.
We then came to my house and hung out for a bit.

It was all good. No expectations resulted in me being good with everything.

I have wondered why God bought my dad back from the dead literally.
Have wondered why God just didn't take him. He was almost there.

Maybe because of all this. Maybe I will never have a Daddy here... but I have found peace and acceptance.

Maybe my dad isn't going to change but maybe God is giving me a chance to change.
I have had help (through coaching etc) to come to terms with the fact that I will never have a Daddy.
I have had help (through God's grace) to come to terms that only I suffer from the rage and anger.
I have had help (through others God has placed in my life) to realize that I must love the ones that are with me... not the ones I wish were with me.

Friday... it was good, It was what it was. I said "call me when you are in town again, Dad."
God is good. God is...

I am so thankful for this time to be a better me.

The Color of the day is GREY!

It is Sunday morning, 9:32 a.m. It is rainy and grey outside. Perfect!

After a busy day yesterday, I am looking forward to having a day home.

There is a dozen baskets of clothes waiting to be put away (my mom was here and did laundry).
There are a couple of science projects to finish.
There is a book that I am in the middle of ...

A day home.

Happy Rainy Sunday!

Happy Birthday Joshua!

How I love this boy of mine! With each passing day, I see the beautiful gift that he is.
Today Joshua Daniel is FOUR YEARS OLD!
He is a truly beautiful child.
He believes that life is all about him.

When he climb up on our bed... he believes that the middle spot is HIS! It doesn't matter who else is there.
He believes that the love in our family is all about HIM.
He knows that if there is a problem, any one of his brothers can FIX it!
He trusts the love.

Even when he is mad, he trust the love.
How beautiful is that?

He is a boy all his own. He loves GUNS! He loves fighting and shooting. He loves bad guys and good guys.
He loves Indiana Jones. He loves Agent 99 (Get Smart). He loves Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers. He loves army guys.

He loves vegetables and fruits. He loves me saying "You are so healthy!"
He loves his cowboys boots.

He loves clothes... especially suits, vests and ties.
He is not a tee-shirt kind of guy.
He loves bras... hehe... much to Sanj's chagrin.
He loves to walk around in my heels.

Josh is a child that is a gift. He will be greatness. Well he is greatness already.
He is a bundle of joy and pain all in one. He is full of love and yet can exhaust the most energetic of the bunch.
He is as yummy as jelly beans... His favorite candy.

Joshua Daniel Sukumaran ... I love you!
Happy Birthday My Yummy Jellybean!

Me

I have been writing for me. Lately I have been writing yet wondering what others would think if I wrote xyz.

Today Max was home (still not sure if it is really pink eye,,,) and we were chilling on the bed while Josh napped.

We were making silly videos. This is one that just had me laughing. I hope it makes you laugh too.

Yes, I know I am weird.

I just don't want to lose me in this blog... it is meant to be real. I am a "what you see is what you get" kinda person.

You gotta comment on this! LOL!

Weird?

I have blogged numerous times about my parents. Their relationship can be summed up in one word... odd.

Well really it can't be summed up with even a 1000 words.

Abusive, confusing, disappointment, controlling, moments, fear, sadness, stressful, battered, loud, together, married, attached,
separated, apart, connected, security, weird...

My mom is coming for a visit. My dad is coming to visit my brother. They both are coming to Toronto. My mom is coming from Baltimore. My dad is coming from Tennessee.

My mom offers to help my dad get to Toronto. He meets her in Baltimore. They fly together to Buffalo. Then they take a bus to Toronto. Together.

Is this weird?

LOL

Have you ever had those moments when all you can do is LOL? LAUGH OUT LOUD? Or else you may just start to cry and never stop?

Living life with 6 boys is a constant choice of LOL or CRY AND NEVER STOP. I had to take this picture and post it because it is the kind of thing that can only happen here.

I am not sure what made me look up... but as I was on the john I saw this...

Yes... this is a picture of wads of toilet papers stuck on my bathroom ceiling. Huge spit wads... I am guessing...

If you look at the highest point in our foyer (which is 2 stories high) you will see darts stuck on the wall. I believe this was an attempt to pop balloons that had floated up.

I found a shot glass filled with pee... just sitting there. I am sure this was Josh's doing as he was fascinated with the shot glass.

One of my kids has a fascination of craving into wood... usually the name of his sibling... belying who really did it.

This list goes on... I am going to try to document it as I see a BOY SIGHTING such as this picture. A sight that screams BOYS BOYS BOYS! A sight that makes you LOL.

A sight that makes you pause... and appreciate that boy wonder that is so beautiful and so out of my zone.

I love this picture. I didn't really appreciate it as it is still stuck to my bathroom roof till I remember to take a ladder and scrape it off. Yet I love the spirit of impulsiveness and the giggles that probably accompanied it.

Oye! I should really write this on my to do list.

LOL - a gift that should be treasured when your child blesses you with that moment.

Reality Check

Today was the first day back to school after March Break. It was quiet. it was calm. Despite the chore of lunches and the usually morning chaos... I had time to just be! Josh seemed to understand this and was calm too.

We had nothing special planned over the break. Just took it one day at a time. We saw some movies, did some shopping, had friends over, got some rooms better organized and ended the week by going to Toronto to the Hockey Hall of Fame.

My boys could live at that place. HOCKEY... apparently when I say they live it, breathe it, sleep it... this is a literal thing.
They had a great time. They ate up the history of the sport and its larger than life players.

I was bored. I looked for a lounge but apparently this was not thought of in the planning of the place. The shopping was limited to hockey... I had to restrain myself. :)

As I was thinking of the time over the March break... I realize that I set my self up every time. I love being with my boys. I love planning things that create memories for our family. Yet I am always left a bit (sometimes a lot) disappointed with the bickering and nattering that happens. it over takes the pleasantness that was imagined in my mind.

I want them to love each other and enjoy each other. Yes, they do this in small doses yet seldom does it happen as a brotherhood of the six of them. It makes me unhappy to be in this state with them on what is suppose to be a happy vacation time.

What I realized today is that I take it personally. The fact that they are not loving and always getting along makes my attack my parenting skills. If I was doing something better... they would act better. It seems ridiculous to assume that I would ever parent perfectly... thus I suppose that it seems ridiculous to expect my sons to be "picture perfect."

Oh what a drop back to reality. I can hardly expect more than I can do myself.

So I will take the week to get back to routine... catch up on laundry, finish a few projects and head back to the gym.

I will continue to better myself as a person and parent. I hope to lead through example. Living and Loving as a parent is not an easy task. Living and Loving as brothers... not as easy task.

Having the opportunity to live and love as a family... painful, frustrating, exhausting, ( I really do not need to go on... right) yet one of my most cherished blessings.

Oh Martha, Where Are Thou?

Last night I took the boys to see Race to Witch MountainIt was a good movie. The boys liked it. Nothing like action and fighting "bad guys" to keep their attention.

I promised Sanj this time to work on his homework. I am a little tired of being the wife of a doctoral student. It has put a crimp in my social life. I think that when he gets his doctorate, I should get an honorary one, at least!

We went to dinner with friends on Tuesday night. We eat at an old mansion... the Burnham mansion. Apparently there is a ghost that resides there. Martha, I think, was her name. I am a big chicken. I don't like to know this kind of stuff. I am glad I only found out at the end of dinner. Apparently many of the staff have had encounters with her. Menus and wine glasses are "pushed" off their spot. I was a little freaked out. Yet it was overall a nice night to reconnect with friends and have dinner with my hubby.

I love the fact that my children are not scared of the dark. Sammy and Tyler slept in their "new" rooms in the basement. NO night lights needed. Me, on the other hand, must have some light on. When Sanj is away, half our house is light up. I am a big chicken.

VIOLATED!

I am so frustrated and annoyed! My hotmail account has been hacked into and I cannot get into it.
A letter saying something to the effect of I am stranded in England... and need a loan to get home of $2500.

If you have got this email... it is not me. Obviously. I don't write or talk like that.

I have lost my addresses... so if you are one of my friends, please email me @ sukreema@hotmail.com

I am so FRUSTRATED!

Finding "Church..."

We went to church today. I had hoped I would feel something dynamic. I really just wondered why I was here. Guilt, duty, wondering if my conscious needed to be cleansed? I didn't really feel anything. I grew up in the church. We live in a bubble where if you are not church going it seems you are cast in the "not saved" category.

Do I really care? Not really. I just want to do what I right. I want to obey God. I feel church on in so many places. It used to be that the boys school was church. We went to a funeral a few weeks ago, that was church. Listening to Sanj play the piano while I am in bed squished with all the little bodies I love most is church.

I am tired of "shopping" for church. I wish it was all just simple. What am I looking for? Something different. I don't want to settle. I want to feel "church." That doesn't have to happen in a building.

Church should happen every day, shouldn't it? I find church in the gym, wondering at the questions my fairy believing friend tosses out there. I am being pushed to ask questions that I have never been asked. I am wondering how do you share the faith of a invisible God who I trust completely (well most of the time...) . How do you answer the if there is a God why does He allow unbearable pain? Faith... how do you teach it or pass it on or explain it?

I was thinking of the second coming... something I have learned from a babe. Jesus is coming. The time of trouble is upon us. We will need to run to the hills... we will be persecuted. The Mark of the Beast...

Today as I sat in church... I wondered about the emotions that those that don't believe would feel as the Christ makes His way from heaven.

I don't wonder if I will be ready. I used to worry about it all the time. Growing up, I always felt that I had to DO something to get to heaven... you know, read and pray every day, avoiding sinning... really just being perfect. I really believe that heaven is for all God's children. He has children that just don't know it or are in denial. Yet they are true Christians... every day. God's love is so great that it has me covered. I just need to believe and strive to live everyday knowing it could be my last.

I have so many questions. I have very few answers. But I am realizing that the bubble I was in for so long was a small bubble. I am a bit lost as I look around me... on the outside. I am only accountable to God... and my own conscious.

It began with church today. Just disappointed because I REALLY wanted something. I realize that what I am looking for... is all around me. It isn't something I can find (only) at church. It is God. He is everywhere. I feel Him in the strangest places. I just have to be open to receiving "church" wherever I find it.

This is not to discourage church... it is a blessing to many and to me for many years. I am sure I will experience "church" at church someday again. It just wasn't today.
As I read this back... it is a lot of rambling. I almost deleted the whole thing. But again... it is my thoughts... just writing... releasing.

Happy Birthday to my Mother-in-law!

Today is my mother-in-law's birthday. We are going over for lunch. She is having a "party" for herself.

That made me feel bad. Usually I would be on top of it.

This lady has given me the best gift ever. Her son. He is no doubt the best thing that has happen to me.

I am indebted to her. (I got her a really good present)! :)

There are so many things I could say about having this lady in my life, for better or worse.
Yet, the biggest thing I have learned is to ask myself WWJD?

I have learned to ask hard questions and wondered how I would want to be treated... in years from now?
I have learned that mothers define themselves by their children. (Well some do).
I have learned that with the right thumb, you can have plants that thrive.
I have learned that Reader's Digest can teach you so much.
I have learned that cards, the words, really do matter to some.
I have learned that once a teacher, always a teacher.
I have learned that eggplant can be a yummy dish.
I have learned that memories can carry you a long time.
I have learned that you become so much of your parent... you just can't stop some things, especially genetics.
I have learned that you can change dislike to like and even love.
I have learned that love is really spoken in different languages.
I have learned that time with the one you love is the best gift of all.

So to my mother-in-law... I thank her... for all I have learned and continue to learn. I thank her for Sanj and being part of another family that adds a whole new dimension to my life.

Happy Birthday!

Favorites

I like number seven in the list below.
My Favorites:

BOOKS: I cannot even attempt this because I read a lot. Different books and authors have touched me over the years.
When I was young, I loved the Ramona series! I related to her so much. I also really like Are You There God, It's me Margaret... by Judy Blume. Actually I liked anything she wrote. I love romance. A quick read. The Shopaholic Series made me laugh. Too much of me in that girl. (Didn't like the movie as much, though).
As I grew I have really enjoyed a book that educates me (without me knowing it) such as Kite Runner or A Thousand Splendid Suns. I don't really care what the book is, as long as it takes me away. Oh, I loved Slumdog Millionaire.

WORDS: I love words. I really am a wordolgists. I would do it so different. I would have words simply make sense. Boneolgist instead of a orthopedic doctor or surgeon. I would NEVER spell pneumonia with a "P!" The english language is so ridiculous. No wonder it is one of the hardest languages to learn.

Is there really the need for antonyms and synonyms?

Yet my favorite word of all time is OBNOXIOUSNESS. If you know me, I have no doubt called you that. I love the word discombobulated. Serendipity is such a pretty word... sounds romantic, if a word can be that. Just a few of my favorite words.

PLACES: I love a great malll. I love a great store. I love book stores. (See a pattern)? OK, I love Sanj's office. I like a good old fashion ice cream parlor. I love warm places... such as Costa Rica, Honduras, Hawaii. I really like New York... though I really haven't been there. I love my bed. Is that a place? I also like our family room. (It needs new sofas though to make it as comfy as my imagination).

THINGS: I love my laptop. It is a Mac Air... I love the look and feel of it. I love new clothes, especially a new white shirt. I love my cell phone. (This fulfills my need for immediate gratification). I love my camera.

These are a few of my favorites... of course I could keep adding or changing. But what comes to mind first is probably most accurate.

Writing Rules

Rambling of a Write-a-holic

I have missed writing. I am not sure why I haven't written. I have plenty to say... (no surprise there...). But I have missed that dance that my fingers do with the keyboard. I have missed letting thoughts flow.

I really yearn to write a book. But writing a novel has never been a goal. I am not a storyteller. It is such a talent... to tell a great story.

My husband has this gift. Long time ago, when we were in university, he told me a ridiculous story/not really a story about the Northern Guinea Pig. It is a very long speal. I actually can't remember anything about it... but was secretly thrilled that he was talking to me on the phone for such a period of time. It was after this little encounter that I discovered he was a great bull-pooper.

How I love him for all those crazy traits. I also love when I KNOW I am RIGHT about a fact and HE is WRONG! Of course that doesn't happen very often. He IS the one working on his doctorate and I am the one whining about some of my children inheriting my genes.

Genes... what a scary thing. I am reading this book called Still Alice about this Harvard professor that has early onset Alzheimer's disease. It is an amazingly written book that has had me thinking of my grandmother who had it and lived with it for over 20 years. Will my mom get it? Will I ? It makes you walk in that person's shoes. It has kept me wake thinking of the many horrid diseases that leave you helpless... especially ALS or Alzheimer. No, I don't wish any kind of illness, but I think that it is easier to be able to do something or fight somehow.

These are thoughts that are coming from reading this book. I will definitely need a light read after this.

It is Spring Break! Actually I like the term March Break then there is no disappointment when this -15 degrees Celsius hits.
We are relaxing (as much as boys can relax). We will do a day in Toronto... hit the Hockey Hall of Fame, CN Tower and ride a street car.

Maybe we will get a bit a of skiing in, weather permitting.

It is a break. We so needed a break. This time change has been brutal. We will watch movies and just hang out.

I am going to buy an elliptical. Sanj is a 100% against it. He says look in the ads... you will see "gently used exercise equipment." Yes, I know this to be true. But I also feel that I will use it. The days/weeks I can't get to the gym like this week coming... I can do cardio at home. We'll see.

I feel better. Writing. It is a part of me. It is like I have been holding my breath. Aw... there is the release.
I realize I am just rambling. But it still feels good.

BACK AT IT!

I fell off the wagon. No not drinking or smoking but rather eating. It is an addiction.

It is the best way to comfort myself.

Carbs, candy or chocolate. Oh, well ice cream, Cadbury Easter eggs with the yummy yoke in the middle... french toast, pancakes with lots of syrup and butter... and my ultimate favorite... birthday cake! (Sobey's has a GREAT cake)!

OK, you get the picture.

I was listening to a Quit Smoking ad and realized that is me. Just with food.

So I have begun again. I have given up carbs and sugar for lent. Well it is that time, so why not?

I have been doing well. Not cheating. Not even going there.

I bought the boys' basketball team timbits after the game... I admit... I sniffed them. Oh...

I kissed Josh after he had a few.

But I didn't actually partake.

Really it is a sickness.

More than losing weight and being success at it, I want to find discipline.

I know everyone deals with this to some degree, but most people can put their mind to it and succeed.

I also want to look as fabulous as my husband does (some 40 pounds later).

So, here I go again...

Traditions

Traditions. I love traditions.

I love making up traditons that will be with us forever. Maybe passed on to the next generation.

So we make them up as time goes by.

The most anticipated is the 10 year trip. When each boy turns 10 years old, they plan a trip with Sanj. Just the two of them.
It is a great time. It is special. It is a right of passage, so to speak, into the double digits.

Sanj and my 10 year old hang out, usually fit in a NHL game, a little deep sea fishing ... each child is different.

So it is Jordan's turn. He is actually 11 already, but hey... he is 10 at heart! :)

They went to Tampa. Each child is so different when they are one on one. Makes me rethink the only child scenario. Too late.

I love how there isn't jealousy. The older ones had their turn and great memories. The younger ones know their turn is coming. They talk about "when I am 10, I am going to ..."

It is a great time to talk about life ... treatment of others, women, growing up in general.
(No the sex talk doesn't happen there... Sanj is too wimpy to have this conversation. So I do it before they go... then he has the follow up... whatever that means)! lol

So they are off... making wonderful memories, having that male bonding that will only grow each year.

Traditions... creating something special.

This picture was sent to me from them at a game.

Sammy

I was watching Sammy's hockey game this week with pride.

He is a wonderful sportsman. He is skilled, talented and unselfish in the game. He is confident yet not cocky.

Sammy is so matter of fact when he is on the ice.

Here is a boy that struggles in the academic world because he does not fit into the box.

I love what my friend Cindy said, "why do we keep trying to fit triangles, rectangles, circles, and ovals into a sqaure box?

Yet despite that fact, we still are in boxes when at school.

He knows he is a differnt shape. We can say all the right things to him, yet ultimately, he is still not a box.
If you are not a box, you are different. Most of us at this age do not want to be different.

I really hope that Sammy sees his athletic ability as the gift that it is. I know he doesn't because it is so natural to him.

He sees the game. He is great at passing the puck. He can set the puck up. He can score.

He is great at golf, basketball, volleyball, soccer... he is a natural athletic.

He is a beautiful child with energy flowing, well actually overflowing.
He is full of potential to do great things.

I wonder what he sees when he looks in the mirror? Does he see that wonderful gift that I see?

I hope so.

I hope he understands that it is OK not to be a box. That this world is run by greatness that are triangles, circles and hexagons.

How great it is that God made us so unique. We weren't meant to be the same. We weren't meant to learn the same.
We were suppose to be different. We are to embrace with beauty of being unique.

I didn't.

Josh visits JK...

I could write a book on my youngest, Joshua. He is such a character. There are so many sides to his personality. Yet he is such a delight. He has love oozing out of him, if you are lucky enough to be a recipient of his love.

Of course I do realize that I can say this about each of my children. But because Josh is the youngest, I am able to relish each of his firsts, knowing they are the last.

Friday was Josh's day to visit Junior Kindergarten. Everyone thought he was dressed up for school, not realizing that this is how he dresses, every day.

Overall, the visit could be labeled OK. Not too excited, stressed at bit, but nothing worth leaving his sidekick.

Ah... we have till September to see what changes by then.

Racism... alive and well...

Yesterday we took the boys to a friend's place to play a game of hockey on the lake.

After getting the boys settled, I went with my friend to get a coffee from Tim Horton's.

We are in a very small town. I am not sure there were other people of any pigmentation in their skin.

We are in line.

I hear behind me "Slum-dog Millionaire."

I look behind (ready to engage in conversation about this book I read)...

Behind me are two (ignorant) men. They look right at me as they say this.

I turn around.

I don't deal with this on a daily basis (thankfully). Actually, usually I forget I am darker than my peers, as I don't even think about it. Until someone else brings it up. Then I remember I am different.

I could have said many things back to them. None of them would have been Christlike. But I didn't want to bring myself that low.

It must be hard to be so ignorant.