First Day...

First day of school... comes with many a traditions... one being the back to school picture with the usual "Aw Mom, do we have to?" picture.  They look so big.  Sanj looked at the picture and said, "There doesn't seem to be so many of them now that they are bigger!"  Funny, eh?

It was a good day for all.  Josh wasn't to thrilled about going back, complaining that "school's too long."  He was very happy to be in his suit finally, though.  As usual, the other boys were appauled that his choice of clothing was something they would never wear! lol

Zachary, Max and Jordan all went off to their various rooms like the pros that they are.  It was a little upsetting to walk up the stairs to Max's class... where the older kids are.  When did he get that big?  Or really, is he that big?  How weird to see Jordan with the oldest kids.  I was not liking this to much.

Then there was Tyler, my second son to head off to high school.  He did great, was excited and survived.  Sammy was a true big brother and was full of helpful hints on the various teachers and classes.

So, it was a day back at school.  I found myself feeling very emotional.  Tears were a blink away and the knot in my throat was huge!  I went to breakfast with moms from the school... each year this group grows.  I think there was 17 moms there today!  Then I headed over to to the office... checking out what there was awaiting me...  surprise... there actually was a lot.  So stuck around there and did some work.  I will likely go back tomorrow and try to catch up so that I can really put in my couple of hours after this week! :)

Everyone came home in one piece and tired but with "good" as the reply when asked how their day was.

So here we go... 270 days give or take a few till summer vacation!  :)

All in a day!  It is 8:30 pm and all my babes are asleep... (except Sammy who is off at tryouts).  The house is quiet except for the sweet sounds of snores.  Tomorrow is another day!

I look at the picture of them... all 6 of them... and feel at a loss of how is it possible that I am mother to all these lovlies?  Do you ever have that moment?  Sometimes I don't feel old enough!  Sometimes I feel too old.  I love them so much.  It was so good to just have them home again.

Misunderstood

Over the weekend we had company and lots of time to chat about various things.  Of course the topic of my blog comes up as this is my baby. 

Here is a blog to clear up misconceptions:

1.  I write solely for me...my thoughts, feelings and emotions are best expressed through my writing.  Before blogging, I have kept journals for years.  I love being able to read back and see life through my eyes today.  I love seeing God's hand in my life.  I love seeing anwered prayers.  I love seeing His presense in my life.  So, I write for me and my kids.  Someday, I love the idea of the boys having a journal of my thoughts and feelings.

My brother has been writing a blog for years.  He made me laugh with his writings.  I decided that if my brother could have a blog, so could I.  I am always flattered by those that take time to read and comment on this space.  It means so much to me.  I have always asked God to use me... and He has taken me to task and used my blog.  For this I am grateful and flattered.  God continues to teach me through those that read and comment too.  I love the relationship I have with my blog readers.  I have been taught so much from keeping a blog, one of the biggest is that I have a deep love for writing.  I want to spend the rest of my life doing this...  I love when I write something and it makes sense!

Yet as I love my readers, I have always tried to stay true to me.  I have many times written things thinking that is what they, my readers want to hear... yet am forced to delete and ultimately write and be true to me.

2.   It is true... I will often write about people in my life.  I don't just write the good and pretty but am complelled to often write the bad and ugly.  Please know that it isn't about you.   If it is about you, there will be no doubt that it is you, I assure you.  99% of the time, if I write about someone, they don't read my blog... though I wish they did. lol

I was surprised to find that some people... yes you... thought I was berating them.  I read back the  blog and didn't see it.  I was troubled  by the thought that this may have hurt them.  I am so sorry for the misunderstanding.  If it is about you, I will let you know!

So often I get little notes of apologies in case it was them who hurt me... while I love you for them and they make me laugh... you are one of the good guys...and therefore feel my pain and react.  So sweet... and I that about you.  It's the bad guy that doesn't get it and there for doesn't bother fixing it!  :)

3.  My cousin(in-law) read a blog about Marriage Lease and commented on it.  Her comment didn't make sense to me but I shrugged and let it go.  She didn't like the concept of Marriage LEASHING... putting a hubby on a leash!  Sheesh!!!  See what I mean about misunderstanding?

Then there are comments that I get that I am not sure what to do... Sanj often says, "just let it go."   I don't want to let it go.  Yet, I do appreciate the comments so, bring them on.  Oh, you what an example of a comment?  Here is one that was made recently in response to my Marriage Lease here is a comment that left me literally speechless, I had to phone Sanj and read it to him:

"I really do feel sorry for women. And I really do mean this. Not in a rude way or in jest but I really do feel sorry for you. You drive yourselves crazy wondering why a man doesn't know what you want. Why the answer is quite simple. WE ...HAVE NO CLUE!!! With each new day that I am married to one I realize how much most of you really don't know what you want from minute to minute. Most men have very basic needs and wants. They may vary slightly from man to man but never the less they are basic. Simple if you will. Food, the need to feel like they are providing and protecting and throw in some sex from time to time. They go though everyday with pretty much the same needs. A womens wants and needs seem to change by the minute. I am not trying to put women down at all. Like I said before I really do feel sorry for you. My wife gets frustrated at herself just as much as she does with me. It use to make me more angry but now I just except it and try to roll with the punches because at the end of the day men will always think like men and women will always think like women...Next time you get frustrated at Sanj for not knowing what you want ask yourself how often you know what you want. Men really do want to make a women happy but for the most part we have no clue how. Unfortunetly men have a bad trait and that is giving up more easily then we should. After a short period time (not to mention 16 years) we throw up the white flag and want to beg for mercy. Please love us anyways and help us to love you and not critize us for not getting it."

Written by a reader in response to Marriage Lease.

This is what I mean by misunderstanding what I said?

Sigh... so I really wanted to write and apologize for any misunderstandings.  I wanted to thank you for reading and commenting.  I love it when you do... even when I get comments like the one above... they keep my juices flowing!

Much love,

Reema

Oh... PS... Joel S.  I do appreciate you, even if we are in disagreement! ;)

One More Sleep...

(Josh, last year, first day of JK)

I feel like writing... despite the fact that I still need to finish up some laundry, help the boys with lunches and tidy up a bit more... I need to write.  Today, I took the boys to our sweet hairdresser, who did their hair at home, knowing a back to school haircut is important to mom and boys in high school.

We then went to East Side for lunch/supper and then it was back home.  Sammy is off trying out for AA Hockey.  He is such a sport.  I love that he can love a game, try to move up and yet totally enjoy the effort even if the results aren't always what he wants or hopes for.

I have a pain in my chest.  I am pretty sure it is not a heart attack but rather an ache.  I am really sad about summer ending.  If I dig deeper, I am feeling life going to quickly.  I am feeling the loss of childhood as my boys don't fit into my arms anymore.  Panic and yet not even panic but rather a yearning for time to slow down a bit.  I so love being with my boys.  Despite the fact that one minute they are name calling and mud slinging and I am pulling my hair wondering where I went wrong... I love the love that is always there, just seconds after.

My hairdresser, Helena, was asking how do I do it?  I responded that I am not the perfect mommy... I have my share of yelling and freaking out.  She responded that there is much love there for the boys that they can forgive the freaking fest and just turn around and love because love is felt and known.  What a beautiful thought, isn't it?  What a reassurance that I am doing OK if they still can love me after the storm.

My friend's son went to University today.  I can't stop thinking about it.  I remember that day so clearly.  I remember the huge lump in my throat as I waved bye to by brothers.  That part was no fun... leaving them.  Yet I remember the moments of driving up to campus, my dorm room and feeling the fear that was so good ... knowing that I was there...  Oh... it was such good times.

Yet... my boys are just years from this.  I think that this is contributing to my ache.  I think of next year when Josh is full time.  I think of next year Jordan graduating from grade 8... soon 3 of my babes will be in high school.

So maybe the best way to describe the ache in my heart is the beauty of my life with my family.  I love them each, Sanj, Sammy, Tyler, Jordan, Maxwell, Zachary and Joshua with every bit of my heart.  I love my God for the gift of family.  I love my God for answering my prayer of 30 years ago... for a happy family.

My heart is aching...  and while my boys don't fit into my arms anymore... I am so thankful that God gave moms hearts that can hold their boys no matter how big they get.

One more sleep...  

Goodbye Summer...

It is 8:23 a.m. and my house is so quiet and peaceful.  All my babes are still tucked in and sound asleep.  I am sad it is the last day for this.  Yesterday we rushed back from my in-laws to finish up that last minute shopping we needed to get done.

My mom has sent us food via Sanj's cousin from Maryland.  What a treat!  The boys were so excited to get their favourite curries in a hurry.  I was happy to just heat and eat.  Thanks Mom, for your thoughtfulness and love.  I went off to bed as I was sick with a fever and what not.  Sure enough, I am followed my 5 of my kiddies, scrabbling for a spot on the bed.  I absolutely love this!  As much as I wish the bed was bigger so that I am not falling off, I love the traffic jam of love.  I love that they desire to be with me.

This morning, Tyler nudged me over and came and fell back asleep in my bed.  This babe of mine is off to high school tomorrow.  How is that possible?  He is excited.  He has been shopping for his clothes with excitement.  He has been walking around with the lock for his locker perfecting the combination that everyone around him knows his combo.  His class schedule has been floating from one spot to another.  He is ready.  I am not.

I feel this ache in my throat thinking of my Tyler out in the big world of high school.  School was so hard for him.  In JK he cried every day 6 weeks...  which meant I cried... Letters and numbers were so hard.  There was such a dance to get the snow pants on, boots, mitts, hat, coat... Oh my goodness!  It was so hard.  Then one day, he finally got it... letters, numbers and  it all made sense.  I watched my gentle giant of a boy grow through all the hard stuff and now... it is time... he IS ready.   I am not.

I know that high school will be great.  He will be great.  He is such a beautiful child with such a pure heart.  I love this kid of mine.  

I find it a little unnerving that in high school we don't go in with them.  A good-bye, maybe a discreet kiss in the car and off they go... into the big world.  Sammy will be great... he loves life... for him... grade 10... here he comes.

I will be at Rhema dropping off my other babes.  This year it is SK, grade 3, grade 5 and grade 7 that we will be tacking.  Interestingly they are all odd grade years... the odd number years are apparently the harder years... yikes!

Then what?  I haven't decided.  Maybe I will just come home.  I am feel melancholy today. I am sure tomorrow it will be different.

Oh, by the way, Girls... you'd better watch out, here comes Tyler!

Dear God,

Thank you for trusting me with this lives of these 6 wonderful boys I am so privileged to call my sons.  Tomorrow is a big day...  summer is over.  (Sniff sniff) Please hold my babes hand as they leave me.  I love them so much.  Maybe tomorrow  be a great beginning for each of them (and me).

Amen

Boys vs Girls... Another Debate

I have had a very tumultuous  relationship with my mother-in-law over the last decade and bit.  I would love to do a polygraph test on her about her feelings for me.  I would actually like to take the test myself so I can understand my feelings for her.

The beginning years were very hard.  She had a hard time accepting me or appreciating me. It was a very hard time.  Then over the years, I think we have all found our groove of where we fit in the this family of ours.   Acceptance and compromise are a huge part of having a working relationship with my in-laws.

This weekend, I found myself so angry at her.  Again.  I sometimes wonder if she knows she is being hurtful or that her words will hurt.  Having two boys, all she (they) wanted was granddaughters.  So imagine their frustration at the news ... It's a boy, over and over again. 

Then came the beloved precious, perfect granddaughter.  They were in heaven.  Their world revolves around her, quite literally.

My mother-in-law feels she missed out on having a daughter... as that would have given her a child that would always be there and take care of them... etc.  The Daughter...  There was no subtlety of what they wanted and excepted in a daughter-in-law.

Today as I was ready to truly want to hurt her physically, I just swallowed my words... again and shut my brain down.  This time the conversation was how girls are so thoughtful and loving ... and how boys aren't like that.  (I am paraphrasing here...)  I was on my way out the door to BBQ when I poked my head back and couldn't help respond,  "I am not sure my sons would agree with.  My boys, some of them are very thoughtful and caring."

See, I don't see this as a boy/girl thing.  It isn't.  Not all girls are kind, thoughtful and generous. Not all girls treat their moms with respect and love.  

It is a personality thing... a character thing... Yet she was insistent.  I wanted to scream.  I actually felt such anger towards members of my family I felt that if I actually said the words that were wanting to come out... there would be a huge rift... as sometimes the truth... the raw truth, really hurts to hear.

I lashed out to Sanj in the van on the ride home expressing my frustration.  Suddenly, it hit me... where this anger and rage comes from... every time there is comparison... in their world... girls are the be all and end all.

I realized that my anger and hurt is that I am wanting, just for once, for her to love my boys as equally as she loves her granddaughter.  There I said it...  I want her to love my boys the same.

She can't.  I realize that.  The boys realize that.  It is no secret the blatant favouritism that is shown.  My boys see it, feel it and yet for them it is a fact of life.  I know it must hurt them otherwise they wouldn't verbalize it.

It sucks.  What message does it send to my sons?  I love my boys to death.  Would I have wanted a daughter?  Of course, that is no secret.  Yet... a girl would not change my thoughts of a boy.  

I see why men feel and act as they do... they hear it all their lives... men are dogs, jerks, obnoxious,  all the various definitions that they hear start at a young age.  Men are no different then women in this context.  It is time to change that thinking...

See, over the weekend, we had family here.  One of the boys little cousin was this dainty little thing.  They went fishing... she did it all, touched and held the fishes etc... while some of the boys were scared to.  As this little girl was experiencing fishing for the first time, the lap she sat on was none other then Sammy (you know, my rambunctious son), who has a gentle heart and loving spirit.

It isn't a gender thing.  It is a personality thing.   If someone is a kind, generous person, it isn't because of their sex.... it is because of their character in combination with their upbringing.  While the gift of empathy is stronger in some than others, thoughtfulness should be taught by parents who consider it important.

So... while I feel so sad at the constant, obvious favouritism... I can not just sit by and let it be said that girls are more thoughtful and loving than boys.  Wrong.   For those that know my sons, Tyler will immediately stand out for his gentle spirit and thoughtful heart.  Max, will stick out for his kindheartedness and gentle spirit.

I feel the need to duke it out!  These are my babes!  They need to be pampered, spoiled and loved to death too.

Thank you God, for my sons.  I see them for the gift they are ...  they are my heart. 

Lord, in the years to come, please nurture my soul to be a mother-in-law that You want me to be.  I won't lie, God, I am so scared.  I want to love my daughters in law with all my heart.  Could You mould them a bit now, so that it is all good later?  (lol, just kidding but if You see fit... :)   ).

Amen

anoying kid

mom mom mom
mom mommy mom mam mom ,what!!!!?

ummmm hi

It's Thursday...

It's Thursday...  BOO!!!  My heart is racing a bit as I type this!  4 more sleeps!  Oh my goodness, we are so not ready!!!  Yesterday we squeezed as much summer fun as we could into a day.  We woke up early, went to pick up the cousins and Uncle Raj and headed to Toronto to Ontario Place. The 100 degree  HOT weather made us forget that summer was ending.  The boys had a great  time splashing down water slides, checking out the rides and ending summer with a bang.  (Thanks S family for hooking us up with passes).

We then had the rude reminder that summer is almost over!  Tyler had his open house for high school... and the boys had their back to school BBQ.  It was nice to see so many faces I missed over the summer. It was sad to see the reality that many families are gone as well as beloved staff.  A new dawn has come.

After checking out new classrooms, meeting with teachers and cleaning up that BBQ stuff...  we finally headed home.  I think my feet wished they had pillows.  They were so tired.  I wore my favourite pair of flip flops all day... not the best thing for me feet... so they hurt by the day's end.

Today... we were suppose to go do some shopping... that didn't happen.  I haven't been on top of things like groceries, cleaning and laundry.  There was not much that one could call breakfast, so Zach improvised and popped a bag of popcorn.  Sad, eh?  Well I didn't feel to bad when my friend told me that her son had a freezie!  :)

We went and saw Nanny McPhee today.  I loved it!  I think I liked this one even better then the first one.  I spent a good part of my morning dropping off kids and picking up friends.  After the movie, we did more dropping off and then headed to a friend's house for a swim.  It was another hot one today.  By the time we got home, it was almost 6 p.m.  I stopped to pick up stuff for tacos and began the battle of making dinner amongst the fruit flies!  It was a little ridiculous at the reproduction that can happen with those pesky buggers.

Having been busy cramming all the fun we can ... I had to spend a bit of time to tidy... but felt like I had accomplished alot.  There nothing like in the world then hearing my son, with his grateful heart say, "Thank you, Mommy for today.  You're the best Mommy in the whole world!"  Aw shucks!  By the way, my sweetie, I am your only Mommy! lol

Tomorrow is serious business...  finish the back to school shop (or begin it)... grocery shop for the weekend and back to school... prep house for company coming for the long weekend... get the boys organized, early bed times, lunches...  NOOOOOOO!!!

Good bye Summer... It's really been fun!