www.nieniedialogues.blogspot.com

It is Thursday, 10:00 p.m. and I really should be closing my eyes and going to sleep. Tomorrow is a big day... I'll blog it tomorrow... but it is one of my favorite Rhema events.

I have a lot to say and I am not sure I will even be able to type all my thoughts...

First of all, I am feeling more like myself. The happy pill is working. Thank You, God, for modern medicine, for carrying me when I couldn't walk at all. How much I love you!

I didn't see it, The Oprah Show today but I did read the article. http://www.oprah.com/article/oprahshow/20090924-tows-stephanie-plane-crash

The first thing I read was that she was a mommy blogger with a great following of her life as mother of 4 children. Immediately my thought was ... "How come I can't be a successful blogger?" I admit, jealousy flashed through me... as I continued readying... I was immediately filled with shame. Please read her story.

If you are a mom that struggles with the ho-hum of everyday mommy stuff... just watch her video of fighting to do the everyday stuff for her children as much as it hurts her physically.

I was struck my how she said that she had to say goodbye to herself. How many times have I wanted to say goodbye to me... and all I know? It hit me that life and the pressures that often send me over the edge are pressures I and only I put on myself.

I have to learn that it is OK to say NO to things that will send me over the edge. Sometimes the person I have to say no to is my own child. And I have to be OK with that.

Tyler had a soccer tournament 45 minutes from here. I was guilting myself that I should really have gone to watch. Yet, with the Thanksgiving Dinner happening tomorrow at Rhema (OK, I told you...) I just had so much to do. My house needed attention, I had to track down table clothes, makes phone calls, and on and on it went.

So I didn't make it to the tournament. I felt really bad. Part of it was really selfish because I really didn't want to stand in the cold rain and freeze.

I was the only one feeling bad. Tyler didn't even give it a second thought. He had a great day.

I need to appreciate all that is what my life is made of. I don't have to like it all, but I do really need to see each day as a gift... a gift I so often take forgranted. The gifts that each of my children are... despite the pain in the butts they can be too.

This lady had to say goodbye to herself. Talk about counting your blessings... one by one....

Fishing Without Fear...

This is an article that was posted in the Peterborough Examiner a month ago:

Hate crimes cops are investigating the case of a 12-year-old boy accused of pushing a Toronto angler into the water in Kawartha Lakes, police said yesterday.

A 46-year-old Asian Canadian man was fishing with his family from a bridge on Canal Lake when police say the boy came up from behind and pushed him into the water on Friday afternoon.

The boy was found by police nearby and charged with one count of assault.

Given the recent history of Asian Canadian anglers being pushed into Ontario waters, the case could have much deeper implications.

How ridiculous is this? A 12 year old that has learned to hate and discriminate against another person because someone looks different. How humiliating for the angler that is minding his own business to have been pushed into the water. How frightened his family must have felt.

As a minority, living in Peterborough, I, for the most part, forget that I am ethnically different than most of my peers. I didn't usually see races. People are people.

It made me sad to hear this on the radio yesterday...

The news was saying how signs are posted along the Trent-Severn Waterway between Lock 19 and Lock 26. Eight of the signs will eventually be posted along the Trent-Severn Waterway between Lock 19 at Lansdowne St. and Lock 26 in Lakefield, said Jack Alexander, director of operations for the waterway, and the three others will be posted at popular fishing spots such as the Little Lake marina and the Lakefield marina.The signs read "Fishing without Fear" in English, French and Chinese and have the number for Crime Stoppers at the bottom.

We all have red blood running through our veins. When will be stop judging a book by their cover?

How often am I guilty of doing the same? Too often. I am often put to shame when I get to know that "book" and see its real content.

The Perfect PJs!

Enough of my pity party. Thank you for loving me... just as I am. I am starting to feel a bit more of myself finding my groove again.

This weekend we went to the one of the boys favorite stores... Hockey Life. There is thousands of square feet of just pure hockey. (Insert rolling of eyes).

They built one closer to us... so all my boys were thrilled.

As I was wondering, I saw this .... an one piece body suit of some sort, jock included... so all one would need to do is add the necessary hockey equipment.

I called Sanj over.... "look this is perfect... " I said.

He said... "for what?"

I said... "You new pajamas!" I was really laughing... especially at his look!

Talk about instant birth control! lol

Lost and then Found!

This is how God reaches me. I just posted my blog about me being lost in blackness.

I didn't write about how lost I am feeling. LOST. I need to feel God is there for me. I NEED TO FEEL HIM IN CONTROL!

The phone rings. I have ignored the phone today. I pick it up. It is Sammy.

"Mommy, I got my phone back. They paged me to the office. Someone found it."

I knew as I prayed for Sammy's phone to be return that it was a long shot. I knew as I posted on my status on Facebook that God would have to do His thing... a miracle to happen for this to have a happy ending.

It's Monday... 11:11 a.m. God knew I need Him. God knew I needed to see Him. There He is!

How much I love this God of mine. I am not alone. I can feel Him now. I know that I will make it.

The Meltdown...

I am not feeling well. Of course this is all my fault. Once my medication runs out, you'd think the natural cause of action would be to run to the pharmacy. But if you are me, you put it off. I still feel OK so I tell myself that I will do it tomorrow.

Of course tomorrow is never today. Then it happens. Well really this is the first time it is this bad. Last time when it was this bad it was called Postpardum Depression. But now it is called CraZy!

Yesterday we were going to church. Max had a hockey game so Sanj took the youngest three with him. I was to follow with the older three. You would think I had the easy end of the bargain.

Yet on the Sundays that we go to church... it is without fail the day that the Devil descends on me. He just grins, laughs and takes over my beings.

It begins with Tyler... age 14... saying "I have no pants." How is it possible since the age of 4, every church going day he has no pants? For 10 years... it is a constant. He has issues with wearing anything accept jeans, teeshits and topped with a sweatshirt. Every time to go to church there are tears and drama. EVERY TIME!

So the devil comes out and I lose it. REALLY LOSE IT.

As I am looking around for his pants, I see on a ledge as I am going down to his room that there sits a pile of his laundry that he was too lazy to put away. There lay the missing pant.

It suddenly hits me that perhaps I am not crazy. But rather that I am being driven crazy by the seven people that I live with.

It goes down hill from there. I have totally lost it. I drop the boys off at church. I drive across the road to Mc Donald's order crap and park in front of the grocery store.

I feel the pressure. I know if I give in to the pressure, it may never end. I am having a full on meltdown. I have bad to feeling alone. VERY ALONE. I am back to feel like a loser. I am back to feeling that I must be all to everyone one yet have no one to give me that. I am having a major pity party. I let the tears come. Finally. The dark thoughts are back.

It is funny because when I am at this point of falling... I know that I still have to pick myself back up. So I guess I teeter on the end. Sometimes I do wonder what it would feel like to actually just fall.

I get out of the car, to grab groceries, and realize I better get my meds refilled.

You may not understand this but when I am at this point, the thought, much less the act of refilling is overwhelming. Loblaws (where my prescription sits) is the other side of town. I just can't seem to go there. Then it hits me that they can send it over to this grocery store.

Thank you God. Despite the fact that it actually took 50 minutes of drama to get that to happen, I left with the prescription in hand.

I was 30 minutes late picking up Max from hockey. We had friends coming over for lunch. A good thing, as I had to hold it together.

It was a long day. It was good. I took that first pill. I know that in a few days I will be back to normal. Yet it frustrates me that I am so fragile without it.

When I get to this point, I have a major pity party for myself. All the woes that I normally try to put aside come flooding out. I feel resentful of those that let me down. I feel so unable to just find that one positive thing.

But today is a little better. I am tackling laundry... which is scary in it self. But I am trying to focus on things that I love... food, Thanksgiving Dinner, a new book, sleeping tonight...

It is getting better... it is better than yesterday.

That is a good thing.

TGIF

I felt like I was having a pity party. Really, I am not.

I am just trying to figure out why my head works this way. It never used to.

I love life and love living the gift with my family and friends.

I felt so sad in the midst of having a great day. I hate that. If there really was a reason to feel sad then I would handle it.

I had a great day with Sammy and his friends. I saw my son has been growing up ... without me really realizing it. I saw the beautiful man he is becoming and I felt so proud. He is going to be fine... he is a great kid/ becoming man.

I love being with my kids, especially when they are not driving me crazy.

I love shopping. I love sharing that experience with Sammy. Boy, he can shop. Must be in his genes! lol

It is a busy weekend. We have our school Walkathon to raise monies. It is a busy morning. God listened to the prayers for no rain. It is calling for a cool and cloudy morning... rain in the afternoon. So awesome!

Max has hockey this weekend. 7 a.m. Saturday and Sunday morning. Thank goodness Sanj is on it!

Our heating is messed up. Not happy about that. This is the third night with no heat. I know, some of you have not turned yours on yet. But I don't like being cold. (This is not usually my problem). But I do worry about the boys kicking of their covers and being cold.

I am not looking forward to hearing what the problem is. Especially the part of how much the problem is going to cost!

I have so many ideas and projects buzzing through my head... many of them are school related.

This Thursday is our 5th (I believe) annual Thanksgiving Dinner at Rhema.

A bunch of wonderful parents come in and help cook and set up a traditonal Thanksgiving Dinner. We invited Seniors from the community to come and join us for a free dinner, with 8 graders usually coming down and joining the Seniors, the younger grades making a gift for them and putting on a performance for them.

It is a busy yet wonderful day. My only sadness of this day is that this is the JK/SK Pumpkin Patch Trip. I don't think I missed one yet. Josh will be on his own this year. That makes me a little sad to miss it. There are three JK moms on the committee so we are out of luck. Bummer.

Oh well.

It is a rainy and cold night out. I can smell the fire burning, one of my favorite smells. I am laying in bed, totally comfy, about to pick up my book. A perfect evening.

Josh was a typical little brother today. Sammy is so good with him. Being little is hard work, so he is snoring beside me.

I am just typing. It feels good. I realize I have nothing exciting to say. So I am off to read my book, but hope that everyone's weekend is great!

The Woes of Being Reema...

Today Sammy has no school so two of his buddies came over for the night.

They are hilarious to listen too. They were having a conversation about Jon and Kate +8.

Boy One was saying..." Kate is hot."

Boy Two... "She has 8 kids! Who would want that? Jon is cool."

It went on... hum... then it was a conversation about ex's... they both had a girlfriend last year in grade 8... it was about whether you can be friends with your ex?

Today we are going to Toronto to a real mall for the day. I am really looking forward to hanging out with them

Sammy called me yesterday, very upset, asking me to cancel his phone (his first love)... someone stole it. He is devastated. Especially because he saw the boy in the hall with it.

It sucks to see my child get hurt and see the badness in people out here. So I am praying that God will touch this boys heart. Not so much for Sammy's sake, but how troubled he must be...

So I am praying for the return of the phone as well as for this child.

I know God has so much to do... but...

I ran out of my happy pill. I have been feeling really depressed. I found myself feeling really sad for no reason. It scared me. I am so often on the edge of sanity. What is wrong with me?

I know my doctor wanted to wean me off... yikes...not sure that is a good thing.

Maybe I am certifiably crazy. Nothing wrong with that, is there? It is in the genes. That is why there is a happy pill, isn't it?

Yah... the woes of being me.