My Thought for Today...

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

Dr. Seuss

Me and My Happy Pill... Together Again

Michael Hyatt... major big shot... whom my brother encouraged me to follow, to learn the ways of the publishing world and a million other things I didn't know... said not to blog more than once a day.  I am breaking this rule... as first, i realize you may not even read this...  and second blogging is my therapy.

Remember I said I went off my crazy pill?  Well... that was a dumb thing.  I am feeling crazy.  I am feeling overwhelmed.  I am feeling very down.  I HATE THIS!!!  I hate that my body needs a pill to make me feel "normal."  I was never like this.  I was alway a happy go lucky kind of person.  

Ever since that ridiculously crazy weekend in Tennessee with my dad waking up from the dead, my middle brother going crazy and me feeling very unsafe for the first time in a long time... I needed a pill.  I found myself ... depressed.  I had dark thoughts all the time and felt like everything was too hard and not worth it.

Once I found the right dosage and pill, life started to feel much better and under control.  That was 3 years ago or so.  Then I went off my pill a few weeks ago.  Part of it was my doctor was passing on her patients to another one and truth be told, it was lot of effort (to me) to phone the new doctor, go through all the things such as a getting to know you process and frankly, I hated that I had to recite all my stuff to a new guy.  It was too much work.  So, I didn't.

I decided that I was better.  I did feel better.  I felt like myself for the first time in years.  I was so energized.

I am not sure what is happening.  Maybe I am crashing.  Maybe I just have a lot going on.  Sanj is gone a lot... with work, committees and hockey.  Often I am a single parent all day.  That would send anyone kooky, right?  Then I have goals and dreams... and I get impatient because my life... real life, keeps getting in the way.  Do the kids really need to eat?  You know what I mean?

So... I am back here again.  I am not as dark as before.  I am just feeling low and irritated.  My sister in law was here a few days ago and was reading a blog.  She looked at me and asked if I didn't care that people knew I was on or needed my pill?  I really don't.  Here's the thing, the other day I was actually feeling irresponsible about just saying that....  that I went off my pill.  That was not the best thing.  I know.  I know that this is so important to be monitored by a doctor.

Please don't do what I did... it was stupid.  I also write because I can't help feeling the way I feel. I can't help the lowness that comes over me.  Depression sucks.  I wish that I knew how to fix it.  Yet I know that medicine works.  I know that I need to go to my new doctor and tell him that I need to change the med or dosage.  I probably need a smaller dosage now.  I don't like that my hyperness is being squashed.  I like my energy and need it to get through my day feeling satisfied.

My  brother told me to write shorter blogs... sorry.  I do plan to follow that ... but this time I am needing to get this out.

I think that if depression and pills were looked at differently, maybe people would be willing to seek help and start feeling better.  I think that it is too bad that most seek help when it is really bad.  I can name a handful of people that need a happy pill.  Yet they don't see it for what it it.  They don't think that they are depressed.  I am waiting for the time when we look at depression as we do about wearing glasses.  I can't see... so I wear glasses.  I cant' help my feelings, so I need a pill.

I am going to call it my happy pill from now on.  I know I am not crazy... but I do like calling it that.  I realize that others could take it the wrong way.  I already know that I am crazy and there is no pill that can help that.  :)

So... I can't wait to feel better.  I can't wait to feel "normal" whatever that is.

Depression sucks.  So just swallow your pill.   And... if this is you... and you have not done anything... Just Do it.  Get help.

Thank you God, for my happy pill.

Baby Steps

This morning I had my Social Media Lesson #2 by the guru himself, www.rajkumardixit.com.  I was excited to spend some time on things that sounded very easy.  Well... 2 hours later, I can tell you that I am frustrated.  All I wanted was to change my blog template to a funky one that I really liked that had all the features I was looking for.  Nope, apparently that was too much to ask for!!!

A website that I needed to open up refused to open 2 hours later.  So, I am felt full of desire and yet very frustrated.  I almost feel like a man!  lol  Sigh.  There is nothing worse for me than to have ideas and not have them pan out immediately.

Grrrr... It is now 11:30 a.m. I have nothing to show for my morning of work.  I have kids home and lunch to be made and then to top it off, have to cart them off to the dentist.  I wanted to make butter chicken for supper tonight but am not sure that will be the case either.

I am whining.  I am so frustrated.  It all sounded so simple on the phone.  Yet when I go the new template on my blog, there was no obvious way to change the pictures from the skinny models in their skimpy outfits to ones of my boys.  I hate not being computer savvy.  

I don't know if I am even on the right path.  Do I have things that people want to hear?  Can I make it as a author, writer and speaker?  On my Twitter page, my brother wrote motivational speaker.  I was balking at that... yet I believe that if given the chance I can indeed do this.  I already have a list of things that I can speak on.  I just need an opportunity.  :)  Yet with that comes traveling... is my family ready for this?

I have to much on the go.  That is half the problem.  I am always mom first, then there is the bathroom project that must be finished.  This  means that the Indian Dinner and the Christmas Craft Show must be done...so that the money is there to finish the bathrooms.  As the bathrooms are being taken care of, there is Christmas shopping that needs to be done.  Oh, actually, there is Jordan's and Max's birthdays first.

In the midst of all this, I need to write.  Just write.  There is so much that is bubbling in my brain that I am feeling on overdrive.  Yikes.

Right now, I need to get off my bum and shower.  Step 1.  Then lunch.. then call the fix-it guy to tell me that my dryer is just a small, cheap problem.  Then supper to be made,  a 2:30 dentist appointment, pick up the my high school guys, supper, youth group and a dance... and make sure the other 4 babes of mine are having a good day too.

Guess step one is to get off this computer so that I can move on to step 2!

The N Word. The F Word.

I kind of wish for those days when I got home from school, threw my backpack on the ground and vegged out in front of the t.v.  I wasn't worried about supper, clean up, laundry (especially since my dryer is broken), going to the gym with Tyler, getting the kids to bed early tonight, lunch tomorrow and finally at some point later, bed.

I have a few minutes today because Sanj isn't coming home right away... (what's new...).  He is going back to work to figure out  plans for the business.  The boys had a snack and so everyone is actually just relaxing.  The last two days we have eaten out, on the run, due to hockey.  Tonight I am fixing something healthy, making sure there is the veggie intake and all that good stuff.

Tomorrow the younger crew has a PA day!  Yah for them.  I have an extra boy for the next 2 days.  I am hoping to get a lot done.  Tomorrow Jordan and Josh have to go to the dentist again.  That cuts right into my afternoon time... but oh well... 

It was such a lovely day outside today.  Very windy but bright and sunny.  I love days like this.

Tyler has been called the N word at school.  This is so distrubing.  I hate when people hurt my babes.  I really makes me want to hurt them... bad.

What makes kids use words like that?  Is there really a need?  Just using that word shows such ignorance.  It makes me realize that you are so little... so uncouth, so ugly.  It makes me wonder what hurts have you had?  Sorry, but it makes me really want to hurt you.

There is so many words that I wonder where they came from.  The N word, I understand that history.  Again, ignorance... we are not African American.  We are from India.  Dealing with this ignorance can be so tiring.  Sanj and I both grew up as minorities in the towns we were raised.  There was always prejudices and such ignorance.  I guess it is ironic that this is were we have come to... a small town with ignorances and the constant levels of prejudices.

Words... The F word.  Is that really necessary?  I heard kids using it... such young ones and wonder, do you really think that makes you cool?  I had this talk with my Sammy.  I heard him using the kosher version.  Why use it?  It is something that makes you look ignorant.    It is such a hard, ugly word.  Why use it?  There really is no use for it.  I really hope that some of what I said made its way down to Sammy's core.  When I hear the word used, I cringed.  I look at the person speaking and immediately my opinion is lowered.  I find myself classifying them as ignorant.

I hold grudges.  Is that bad?  Probably.  I am forever talking to my boys about forgiving each other.  Today I heard about this boy that hurt one of my boys.  I felt my heart race and still had the urge to swish him like a bug.

I am writing... but really should be making my supper for my babes.  That is the problem when you actually stop for a moment... all the exhaustion settles in ... you know?

This is a picture of my Josh and me... how come when he eats an apples or carrots, they look so yummy?

The Game...

This is a hockey post... simply because I have hockey angst on the brain.  I work it out best on "paper."  Yesterday we had 3 games... I left after Zach's game was done to bring the younger three home and get them to bed.  It was already past their bedtime.  Sanj didn't get home with the older 3 till after 10 p.m.

Sanj looked at the schedule last night before getting into bed and I heard him groan.  Tonight we have 4 games... back to back.  This means that all the boys play.  Here's the break down of after school:

Tyler- football practice

Jordan- volleyball practice

(I have a 5 o'clock meeting about the play ground equipment that must be done)

6 p.m. Zachary's hockey game starts and then it goes on till Sammy's game is done... at whatever time.

I am pretty sure Sanj could hear the panic in my voice last night.  He said it wasn't going to be like this yet all season, he wasn't sure what was going on.  It's a school night.  When we had hockey all day Saturday, it was better as it was the weekend.  Sanj would do the hockey thing and I was the go-for... you know, go for lunch or go for groceries or go for entertaining Josh.

I am not a sports fan.  I can' lie.  I don't hate it.  Yet, I don't see the need for it.  Why do grown men chasing after a ball or puck get paid such ridiculous amounts of money?  Why are they role models when so many can't speak properly or did not finish school?  

That is the joke ... to have 6 sons that love sports... live and breathe it... what was God thinking?  Maybe, obviously, He has quite a sense of humor.

I will be there first to encourage sports though.  An example is I think it is healthy for a Canadian boy to know and understand the basics of the sport of hockey.   They don't have to love it, like it or play it forever... just know the basics.  This allows them to be able to follow conversation as they get older, play a little occasionally if they want etc.  It allows them to be socially normal if they have been exposed.  (Of course... disclaimer here... These are just MY thoughts... not saying if you or your kid does not play hockey that they are not normal...).

I see the boys friends, especially the older two boys, whose friends were never exposed to sports at all... really struggle.  Even if it dad and son on skates, playing around, they will be a certain level of comfort with the stick and puck. 

(Again a disclaimer here... every kid is different... so there is exceptions to everything... I know).

I am losing my thoughts... but I was just saying that it is important to expose your children to things... even if you do not like it...  i.e. sports.

I was talking about hockey... about my lack of interest in sports.  There are 2 kinds of hockey moms... well actually I would say three...

There is the true hockey mom:  you know the kind... that live at the arenas, they are the trainers on the team, they are yelling plays along with the coach, they are loud and really almost on the ice themselves.  They see their kid crash into the boards and don't blink... "Get up... let's go!!!"  They dress for the sport... they are usual in sweat suits that have some hockey logo on.  Their hair is prepped as if they are going to play themselves.  I am pretty sure some of them have a jock on too, just in case.  They make scarfs to the team moms to wear in the team colors.  (Seriously, people... you have way to much time!!!)

Then there is the hockey mom:  she is dressed for the elements, sits out in the cold, always has her blanket and coffee mug.  She knows every kid's name just by their number.  (This always AMAZES me)!  Sometimes she has a team roster so she can check who is who if she is not sure.  She knows what off sides means, checking, top shelf, she knows exactly why # 2 got that penalty.  She is in the know and she is in the game.

(Just for the record, the hockey mom is the kind of mom I really am aspiring to be... well some days).

Then there is me... who is  called a hockey mom because I have 5 boys that play hockey.  I go to hockey, usually because Sanj can't make it to two games at once.  I go to hockey (this is really the dirty truth) because I want my boys to know I was there, watching...  if I am going to be there, I WANT THEM TO KNOW!  I want them to know that I really do care, since it is important to them.  They only way they are going to know is if the SEE me... so I make sure they SEE me! :)  

• I am usual not dressed for the rink weather.  I am always freezing and always surprised that it is so cold. Usually I have flip flops on or shoes that didn't require socks.  Or I want to look cute.

  

• I am always thinking of how this rink needs an extreme makeover.  Rinks (at least in Peterborough) are gross and ugly.  I hold the urge to go bathroom as they are so gross.  You may be better off NOT washing your hands in there.  

• Usually if you see me there, I have a book.  I can't lie, I really don't care how your kid is playing.  I am just there to see my kid, when it is his shift.  I love it when I am sitting beside a friend who knows this about me and will give me the heads up that my kid is on ice.

• I never understand when I hear a parent upset that they missed seeing their kid's goal... and what will they tell their kid?  Of course all of us, including me, want to see that prized moment when your child is responsible for a goal, for that beautiful sound of the buzzer that screams, "GOAL!!!!"  Yet, hello, there are times when it is OK to stretch the truth.  Really!  Hockey is one of those times.  If your kid says, "Did you see my goal?"  You respond, "It was beautiful!"  I usually will add, "I loved the top shelf!"  Then they will be pleased or they will be pleased to correct me that it wasn't a top shelf but rather a .......  (I don't know another lingo that would fit here).

• Hockey rinks are places that parents watch their kid on the ice and not their 3 other kids that are running around crazy.  So you can feel free to let your other kid run wild too.  Usually the real hockey parents are out in the cold watching the game.

• Always have change.  Always.  The rinks have great french fries.  This is another perk of going.  25 cents buys a hand full of jelly beans for Josh and also 10 minutes of no complaining when it is over.

• I hate hockey chatter with other parents.  Usually they are so condescending.  The other day I arrived at the rink literally seconds to see Zach on the ice.  Then the buzzer rang signaling the end of the game.  I looked at someone and said, "What color is our team?"  (It was the first game). A parent looked at me and laughed.  "Oh, I thought you were kidding."  No... person with 2 kids.... I am not.  I don't know all the jersey colors of my kids yet.  I am not kidding.

The other annoying thing is the comments... EVERYONE HAS A COMMENT!  I have heard them all... your is not funny or unique.  Haha!  "Oh my gosh, I don't know how you do it.  We can barely handle one (or two or three) playing.  How do you do it?"

Anyway, all this been said, I will say that I love the enthusiasm that my boys have for hockey.  I love that they have a dad that is equally enthusiast and spares me going to every game.  I love that my boys get me... they know I love them.  They know that I don't love sports.  They understand the fine balance.

So... Tonight it's Hockey Night in the Sukumaran house hold!  Go Teams Go!

*** Yes, this picture is of me... "playing" hockey with my pink hockey stick, I asked for Christmas one year.  lol  I think I scored on Sammy after taking him out! :)

Peace and Understanding

Britt Merrick... "God doesn’t promise us understanding. He promises us peace beyond understanding. Trust more, question less."  I saw this on his tweet... I have been following him on and off for a while.  he is a pastor in California... (Goggle him to check out his info).  His daughter has cancer... had it, was in remission and its back again.

God doesn't promise us understanding...  He promised PEACE BEYOND UNDERSTANDING!  I love this.  This is where I am with my family.  I suppose for  years, I waited and wanted that family that everyone else seemed to have.  Then I had my own family... and for lack of a better word, was distracted by raising a family.  In that time, I was trying to figure it all out.  Did my dad love me?  If so, how could he hurt us so badly?  What about my mom... why did she stay with him?  Why didn't she leave him in order to protect us?  How do you become normal?  Is it possible?  Is this craziness genetic?  How will I be as a parent?  Why did God allow my dad to awake from the dead?  WHY?   What was the point?  Why am I only having my questions rather than finding answers?   I could continue... but you get the point.  The questions never stopped.  I wanted... needed understanding.  There is nothing more frustrating than looking, seeking and not finding.

As I read this quote... it hit me.  More than likely, there is not going to be understanding.  I guess until tonight, I wasn't sure that I could just be with out seeking the answers, without knowing answers.  This weekend, as I spent those 24 hours with my dad in my house, I had a sense of peace.  I didn't even know that was what I was feeling.  Not peace as in all is well and perfect ... but rather I believe I was feeling the peace despite the not understanding.  Peace that passeth all understanding.  

My dad sat in pretty much the same spot the 24 hours... in silence, unless we spoke to him.  I didn't know what to make of this.  I suppose a part of my felt like this was my brother's problem since he brought him here... yet the part of me that entertains wanted to make sure he was comfortable.

He just sat there... watched it all.  What was he thinking?  I don't know.  Yet, there was always a part of me that wanted my dad to know that I am a success...  as a mom (that is a funny one, isn't it... but it is relative, I suppose).   I am a good wife.  I am a good citizen.  I did wish I could tell him I was a writer, a photographer and yet I was not comfortable telling him that he has given me so much content to write about.  I wanted him to know that my boys are great.  They are so loveable and delightful and how much he has missed out on due to his own selfishness and actions.

I can't deny that these thoughts went through my mind.  Daddy... I am someone you would be proud of if you KNEW me.  Daddy... You have missed out so much of me.  You have missed out.  You have lost so much.  Daddy....  DO you CARE?

Yet at some point... as I watched him sit there... just sit there... I realized that I am blessed in spite of him.  God has been so good to me.  He has showered me with so much that I really can't spend time mourning a daddy I didn't have.

There is no understanding.  My dad doesn't understand himself.  This I am sure.  There is sickness that only God and heaven can cure.  It is all beyond me.  I won't have the answers.  I don't think that my dad will ever know that by his inability to be my dad in every sense of the word, he has left a hole in me.  It will always be there.

Yet... I do believe that peace that passed the understanding was filling me this weekend.  It was not a instant fill... but I believe a slow one... that God is filling my soul with peace that is beyond understanding.

I love that.  Again, my God... is looking out for me.  He is filling that hole... over the years He has been filling it... I was just not paying attention... I was just looking at the hole.   Funny... isn't it?  God is always steps ahead of me.  I am so glad.  I am so glad that He is in control.  I just wish that I could keep that faith in my head and heart all the time.   So glad that God is so patient.  I am such a child... when it comes to being His kid.


"God doesn’t promise us understanding. He promises us peace beyond understanding. Trust more, question less."   This is my next step... to Trust more and question less.

Tweet Tweet!

I can only use one word to describe how I feel right now, 8:38 p.m. on Monday night.... EXHAUSTED! Some other words to describe my feelings would be drained, pooped, depleted, dissipated, finished, spent, consumed.  Out of these, I'd say the best one is drained.  I am drained emotionally and physically.  I have spent almost every ounce I have today.  On reserve is that negative energy that I may need to use to go get Sammy from  his hockey game.

Yet, as much as I am tired... I can only imagine  my poor dear hubby's tiredness.  It took him all day to get home from golfing and conferencing alone in sunny California.  I didn't land till after 12 a.m. and then drove him, another 2 hours by the time he got his car and actually got on the home after 2 a.m.  7 a.m. came very soon for him... and then there was the day that is inevitable after being away from the clinic.  The day of people that just need to be seen now.

Then there was hockey.  Zachary played at 6:30p.m... Sanj coached.  Tyler and Jordan played at 7:30 a.m. Sanj coached.  I came home to put the youngest three in bed and am in that in between time... Sammy is playing at 8:45 p.m. and I will likely go pick him up.

Having company is one of my favourite things... of course it is tiring and when you add family with my dad here... you can multiply my emotions and energy by a gazillion.

It was a good visit.  No stress.  Sanj was awake and gone without even seeing my dad.  My dad, being clueless, actually seemed disappointed to have missed him.  He seems to be missing the point that Sanj could seriously hurt him for all the foolishness and pain over the years.

Then there are the things that I just wanted to get done today... so my house still looks as if an atomic bomb went through... mattresses and blankets everywhere from cousins sleeping together.  Breakfast dishes still dirty.  Laundry that was started... though the dryer seems to be protesting and may need to be serviced... hopefully that is all.  The garbage is almost overflowing and needs to be taken out.  All the signs that the house was full of bodies... and then a rush to be out the door.

Ah... there is tomorrow.  (My cleaning lady comes tomorrow... so I am not so stressed out... though she is an unsuspecting soul)!  Today, after dropping the younger ones off at school a little late, after saying by to the cousins, their aunt and uncle... and the ever eccentric Grandpa Peter...  Josh and I went shopping.  He has had a few major growth spurts over the year.  I kept ignoring the length of his pants... despite the fact that you could see his ankles and socks.  Since his cousin gets his hand me downs... I knew that it was time.  I made a pile of his clothes to be handed off... and off we went to the mall.

H&M has come to Peterborough.  We actually have a real mall.  Love it!  Josh said, "I want sweaters but not with writing on it."  He also wanted dress shirts, with collars and buttons.  Then he sported a "leather" jacket.  Oh dear.  And they had his favourite black checkered  pants... that were skinny jeans.  He was in heaven.  He begged to wear them right away.  Off to the bathroom we went, after paying for our purchases... he looked part hellion and part absolutely adorable.  It was fun!  

Then I had this mission to make myself business cards for my blog... but postcard size.  I am going to take my writing to the next level.  After this weekend, my brother gave me a edited version of using social media and taking it up a notch.  

Part of this was to become part of Twitter... tweet me if you are a Twitter user... I still have no clue about the jargon, so forgive me.  (momx6boys  is my user name)

My cell phone was ringer constantly today too.  This, that and the other.  

Sanj just phoned and said he is going to stay in town and wait for Sammy.  Yahoo... Pyjamas... here I come.  Today is officially over!

 

The Skullet...

It is Sunday night evening... very foggy and dreary outside.  I was very apprehensive about spending this day indoors with my father... yes, you read it right, my father is here... along with my youngest brother and family.

My father walked into my house with a cane.  He had broken his ankle this summer.  He also was sporting a skull-et.  Not quite a mullet ...  a very disturbing look!  He is quite proud of it.  He told us that he had about an inch and half of hair protruding out of his ears too.

Aw... this man... such an interesting character.   

Boundaries?

Remember I went off my crazy pill?  (Or my happy pill, I guess it is how you look at it).  I realized today I need it because of my crazy family.  It is whenever they are involved in my life that I feel crazy or sad.  Over the years I have chosen to remove family members from my life in order to feel safe and keep  peace in my life.

My father and middle brother have acted in ways that make me feel unsafe and I have found a great source of peace knowing that especially where my children are concerned, I have made the best decision.  They no longer get hurt physically or emotionally.

This weekend my middle brother is having his baby dedication.  My youngest brother is doing the service.  My mom and dad will be there.  I am here.  Yet... I am still there.  My mom asked me to buy food to cook for this thing.  Fine.  I never really say no to my mom.  I have issues with this but ... it is my mom.  She calls me to thank me.  This annoys me.  Why...  I am not sure.  Maybe it is because of the tone she thanks me with...  Always too grateful for me "taking care of things."

Then she says that my in-laws were all there.  This just makes my sick and quite frankly makes me so disgusted at people's inability to set boundaries.  They are all aware of the issues as to why my brother is not part of my life.  I am their family.   Yet, despite Sanj asking them to not get involved, there they were.

Is there no loyalty?  Is there ever reasons to stand up for ones beliefs?  Apparently not.  Every one is wishy washy.  Every one is a Christian.   Every one is a judge... and the jury.

Whatever.  I am so glad to have my own family away from my crazy family.  Quite frankly, they are all crazy.

I am feeling the absence of my husband.  He is out the on the golf course as I type.  He gets back tomorrow early morning.  How I am so grateful to have him .... my love, strength and stability... day in and day out.  He makes me feel normal.  He understands and gets loyalty.  He turns his back at those that hurt me and does not wavier on his love or commitment to me.

It's funny.  I feel let down by my family.  Yet... they will not get it.  I am the one that makes the choice to set the boundaries.  

God, are You there?  I am so tired of feeling let down, hurt and defending my actions.  I am so tired of fake people... of those that stick their long pointy noses up in the air... in the name of You.  I am sick of the superiority of which they carry themselves...  I am feeling sad that I can't escape ...  please give me peace, to not care.  Please let me always be true to myself and You.

Amen.

Report Card: D

Today, if was to be graded on being a mom, I'd have likely have gotten a D.  I wasn't absolutely horrid,  I didn't really lose it, yet I was very impatient.  I was hurting really bad today.  There were moments when I really wondered if the pain wouldn't be the death of me.

Tyler had football, which ran late and he was not played ONCE... (this is a problem).  Jordan had volleyball after school and much to his dismay, Sammy was helping out.  I put the younger ones in After Care after they begged this morning.   Then Sammy forgot his stuff at school, we got pizza and didn't even get into the house until 5:30.  I took 4 Advil and prayed that I didn't over dose.

Yet over the last 3 hours, I found myself very short with them.  Could they not just be quiet.. listen and do as I wanted?  I really just wanted them all in bed.  This I feel bad for.  I love them so much but must say, that I did pretty good keeping it together.

Sanj is in California at a golf tournament today.  I keep thinking of the fact that in 28 sleeps, I will be driving down to Michigan... alone, for some glorious girl time with some of my besties.  So, my sweet, golf away.

Actually it was funny, when Sanj called me this morning, seemingly unaware of my female pains and woes... he seemed unusually relaxed.  He was groggy with sleep as he is trying to adjust to the time difference.  I mentioned his relaxed state.  I think even he was surprised by it.  I get it, WE STRESS HIM OUT!  

Fine.  He can have his time out!  My family room is almost done.  I am so enjoying making this house our home.  I love the way it feels so warm and cozy!  :)


It's 8:33 pm and I am surrounded my little snoring bodies.  I love it.  It is a little cuter than the usual snores that my sweetie hubby sends my way as I am trying to head off into dream world.


I really wish that I could channel my ugly moodiness into positive ones.  I guess they way I see it is if they are all off to bed, this day, with my moodiness will be over for all!  One thing, my boys will definitely grow up understanding pms and cramp!  lol 


I am going to put myself out of my misery and pop some popcorn and watch Greys.  
Night all!

Today...

I made it!  Through my day, I mean!  For a while, it was touch and go!  I was feeling pretty yucky and was just trudging along... so glad to be able to put that big line through my list!

*** Stop off at the Bell Store.  ( HATE THIS COMPANY)!!!

*** Go into the office... do billing and poke my head in since Sanj is gone.

*** Pick up spaghetti for the lunch from the Pizza Factory.  (Great spaghetti sauce!!! Thanks          Mr. and Mrs. B.)

*** Pick up accessories needed for lunch.

*** Spaghetti Lunch... served to 90 % of the school!  Raised $350 for the bathrooms!!!

*** Prepare inserts for the bulletins about the Craft Sale and Indian Dinner.

*** Pick up my high school boys.

*** Back to Rhema to pick up the rest of the gang.  

*** Dropped off two spaghetti dinners for 2 families that needed a pick me up.

*** Back to Bell Store... DO NOT USE BELL IF YOU HAVE A CHOICE!!!

*** Supper with the boys.

*** Haircuts for the boys.  (HAD TO BE DONE!!!)

*** Dropped Jordan off at Youth Group.

*** Drove home... made it safe despite the on-going ruckus between the boys.

*** Dealt with protest of bathes and bed.


I made it!  Yah!  I can't wait till morning to see my new paint in the family room.  In the dark, it looks great!  I hope that it is finish by Friday...  Did I tell you I love my painter?!!!

For Sale...

It's 7:15 a.m.  I am trying to get my babes up and about.  Yet I am want nothing more than to turn off the lights and drowned myself in pills and wish the world away.  Not going to happen.  :(    My hubby was up at some ungodly hour to head to the airport.  I could hear him struggling with the zipper... not sure who one that fight.  I could feel him snuggling with me... kiss me bye and I hope he was able to decipher my words of love and safety, of not having too much fun and missing us tons.

Yesterday I was redoing the bedcovers in our room.  I bought  desperately pillows and sheets.  There were these sheets 600 thread count. Egyptian cotton... that I slept on last night.  I have to tell you that it was a delicious feeling.  I had trouble shooing the boys off the sheets as they whined... "But its so soft and comfy."  $59... for the whole sheet set, which came with 4 pillow cases!  :)  Love a great buy!


I have a bunch of stuff for sale.  I am hoping to have a online garage sale and if it don't work then figure out kijiji.  We have a Lavazza Blue...  makes various coffees and expressos... great for the office or home.  It has only been used a few times as Sanj found that his patients, a high percentage that are seniors were intimidated by the looks of the awesome machine!  You can have this for a steal for $550... trust me that is a steal!

    


I have a kids bike chariot, maybe that isn't the official name... the trailer that attaches to your bike... seat 2 kiddies... $ 50.


A Pier 1 rattan sofa and chair for sale... it just doesn't work in our family room in this house.... $150... in good shape.


I have a few other things but I have to look at them to write an accurate description.


Email me if you are interested.... sukreema@hotmail.com

Today, youth group for Jordan... and NO HOCKEY!!! Yah!  Sanj didn't even get home till after 9pm... Sammy had a soccer game that started late, so Sanj went there... then Jordan and Tyler had their game on  8:30 pm.  I don't think that my hubby has been home earlier than this all week.  He is going to have to learn the N word.   NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Well, except to me, that is!  :)

Last night or rather earlier this morning, I had a dream... I may even go as far to call it a night mare.  I was feeling funny (in my dream) and for some reason, my cleaning lady said, you may be pregnant.   I am pretty sure I gave her a scathing look.  She said, let me check... and for some reason had a portable ultrasound.   (Dreams... weird stuff...).  So, in the ultrasound we can see very clearly... a babe... actually not a babe but rather 2 babes, laying there so sweetly.  I could feel the shock bubbling over... but I had the sense to  see their sex.  Well, they were very modest babes in utereo as they had little towels draped over their privates. 

I called Sanj who came home for lunch (another dream since he usually doesn't get a full lunch... ever).  He looked to the picture which was so CUTE.  I am pretty sure I was just ready to kill him and them I woke up.

Twins.  I always wanted twins... back in the day.  What kind of dream was that?  Distrubing.  I do wish I knew the sex.  I hate cliffhangers in a dream!

Then I woke up to reality of morning, my husband likely airborne, boys needing to get out the door, lunch money (which Sanj must have taken off my dresser...) the brutality  of my cramps, dogs, painting... and pick a color, calling to fit in haircuts, consoling my youngest who bonked his head on the corner of the counter.... MORNING... yet I was not pregnant with twins.  :)

Yet... oh how I miss having a babe.  How precious a time that was.  Not wishing for twins... now though... so glad it was only in my dreams.  :)


 

Turkey, Cramps, Painting, Butter Chicken...

These past weeks, since I have my lovely space, I have found that I have not been writing as much.  Not because of any reason then time!!!  I have been nose deep in getting all the things done for my projects... which has required lots of running around, phone calls and note taking.  So... I will be glad once the bathroom #1 is complete.  (of course there is bathroom #2 but I am really hoping to cover that with one fundraiser).

Speaking of projects, did you know it would cost $4500 to get my friend, Cesar, the Indian ellie to the dinner?  Wow... that is more than we may make!!!  $3500 to get a Bengal Tiger to the dinner... no kids though, as they are smaller then the cat... so guess they may  be mistaken for a meal!  :)  Oh well, I can dream.

I was going to backtrack a bit... to Thanksgiving Dinner... I had to tell you about my turkey.  It was really good.  I even ate some of it!  Yes, I did brine it.  I took bits of advice from everyone... the whole brown sugar, sea salt, lots of cold water, a cooler and added orange rinds and lemon rinds.  It was GOOD!  Before I baked it, it stuffed it with wedges of oranges and lemons, onions and garlic.  I baked at 400 for an hour, sealed and then at 325 till done.  It was an 18-20 pound bird and was cooked relatively fast.

I made cranberry stuff from scratch (which I really liked, even though I don't like cranberries) but my brother-in-law still looked for the can of jelly gunk.  Anyway, my point is that brining the turkey is really worth the effort.  Even Sanj, my sweet  husband, who was mocking me the whole time, saying, "White meat is going to taste like nothing... no matter what you do."  Well, even he had to admit that there was a difference.

I have learned that I love to cook for others.   I love to try out new recipes.  I enjoy the process of cooking.  It is the everyday cooking... that drudgery of what today... what is healthy, low fat, if possible and will taste delish with the least amount of work, since we are often rushing off to something.

I realized that if I was a stay at home literally kind of mom, it would put a whole different spin on things.  I realized that any one can be a good cook and be the next Julia Child if they cooked with butter in everything!

I am going to learn to master butter chicken.  This is my next project.  I want it to be authentic.  Mouthwatering.  Everyone's version of butter chicken is a little different.  Sanj and I had butter chicken from this little hole in the wall place in Scarborough, when we were first married.  It was SO GOOD!  To us, that is what we compare all butter chicken too yet have not tasted that  which makes us say... "aw!"

I am really crampy today.  That makes me miserable.  Tomorrow is going to be a crazy day...first because cramps on day 2-3 are really bad.  Not to mention that it is a full day... ie... spaghetti lunch day (I have only one person helping so far),  Sanj is off to sunny CA for a "conference" and yes I am jealous... because as much as he complains about this... the classes etc... he is taking his golf clubs so life can't be that bad!  He is traveling alone, packing for one... so how hard can it be?  Then there is youth group... thank goodness for friends that can and will help with the driving.  

I have a procedure early November that will, God willing, get rid of my monthly annoyance.  So... I am not even scared about the needles, IV and going under as I am praying the outcome will be worth the other pains.  (Yes, I am a big scaredy cat.  I hate needles).

We are having our family room painted today.  I am so excited.  I can't wait for it to be warm, inviting and just they way I see it in my head.  :)

I am at the end of A Fine Balance.  I was wrong... yes, it can get sadder.  Wow... I never take this long to finish a book.  I found the corruption, violence and dark side of a human's soul very disturbing.  The sad thing is that I know that much of this is true and does happen.  I can't image the feel of despair that must go through a person's heart.

Can you image what Heaven will be like?  When I feel that despair and frustration, I can only turn my eyes upward.  I have to.  What happens when you do not have faith?  What happens to those that see scraps of food, left over by someone else, as a delicious dinner?  What happens to those that are so violated by others?  When they are disfigured on purpose... because they are "worth" more, they are noticed more and begging is a profitable living when they have had their eyes poked out of fingers chopped off... or...

I think of heaven for those that suffer so much.  Does it not make you wonder what God is waiting for?  Please dear Jesus, JUST COME!

I can't wait for this book to end!  I am really looking forward to having my brother and family.  My kids are eagerly awaiting grandma's cooking.  


We are having our family room painted!  Wahoo!  When we bought this house, one of the things we appreciated was that the colors in the house went with our stuff.  That was fine for the  last two years... but now I am wanting to make it mine!  I am really excited about it!  It will have a totally different feel to it.  I am using a red for our accent wall with a taupe/grey for the remainder walls.  I took down the plastic valances, which I really didn't like to be replaced with rods and curtains.  :)  I will have a corner with a little area rug and a bunch of pillows on the floor for vegging out.  I love renovating.  We have a great painter who is good with the little things... and doesn't skimp.  


Today I was watching her patch.  I am going to patch our room and then give it a touch up.  The painter that did it originally, did not do a good job, so I never felt it was finished.  Then as the family room gets finished, I am going to tackle the mud room.  It has a lower half that has that wooden panelling but not really.  Then my painter will do the top half and the cutting in.  I am hoping that I will be good at it and thus be able to save some money. Yet I am not holding my breath! lol


OK... I am off... Just felt like writing...