It's Ok

Today I was struck by the realization of sin and just how mush that bite of the apple cost! Just one little bite on Eve's part changed everything. Sin is such a small word to describe the devastation that has resulted. Many of us have been blessed with a minor scratch in our lives.

Yet today as I thought of my day, I was hit with the PAIN... raw pain... in people's lives. One of the worst things is watching your child suffer. Whether it is of cancer or some other illness... it sucks. And usually all you can do is be there. Today I had lunch with a friend who is going thru this. What can I say? What can I do? I can only imagine the helplessness that she feels. And simply pray...

Then I was looking at the pictures of a boy that graduated... his mom died of cancer some years ago. How do you even began to live? I can't imagine ever leaving my children. And when we are discuss who will take care of our children if something ever happens... I get sick... really sick in the pit of my stomach thinking of WHO WILL LOVE THEM?

Heartache and pain is everywhere. I feel the weight that must rest on God's shoulders as He watches and listens. How sad He must feel. How He must ache.

I think of how much I hurt when Tyler didn't make the soccer team. He was so disappointed. I hated that he had to experience that feeling. And yet, there was nothing I could do. A hug, words of reassurance and yet I am sure it really didn't change his pain in that moment. This is a small hurt... but at the moment, his pain was real.

I am learning that God has to let the consequences of sin play itself out. He does hug us with the gift of friends, gift of strength and miracles we do not even know HE has orchestrated. He is in such control. Only know do I see answers to prays I prayed so long again, prayers I gave up saying... Yet He was faithful ... just in His time.

What can I do to keep my boys from experiencing broken hearts, life disappointments and simply the breaks in life? Not much. I can prepare them with all I know. I can teach them that they are amazing beings and no matter what someone does or says... they are gifts... precious, loved and treasured.

But the reality is one day I know my love will not be enough. My words will likely not reassure them and my kisses will be wiped off. I am still there loving them... yet know that the day will come when it will be their choice.

They will have to walk thru the valleys... to come to the top of the mountain. But I have to believe that they WILL reach that top of their mountain! Simply because I believe in them. I love them and will be there to encourage and guide when I am asked.

How different is this with my relationship with God? Not different at all. I just hope my sons figure it out better than I did. I hope they KNOW and FEEL and BELIEVE that just because they can't always see me or feel me... I am always with them. GOD is always with them.

It really boils down to FATIH and having belief in the RELATIONSHIP!

It is knowing that even when I don't see His Footprints beside me, He is there. He is just carrying me!

Sin sucks. So much about this life sucks. But He is giving us all we need to get through this journey! If you are one of my friends that is really suffering right now... Please know tonight I am going to pray for you. I am going to pray that you FEEL God there by your side.

It is OK to be scared. It is OK to be mad, yes even at God. He has big shoulders and can handle it. He gets your hurts and fears. It is OK to feel the emotions that come with pain, hurt and disappointment. But just don't give up on God. Why go thru it alone?

Isn't it better to believe that a High Power has the master-plan? I would rather have faith then doubt it all. I don't have anything to lose.

I love the picture of God, my Father, waiting for me to seek Him out. Calling me...begging me... Wiping the tears on my face away. Holding my hand, ready to walk me through this valley.

I can't wait for heaven. For the pain to be gone forever. For you and I to understand true happiness and peace.

So if you are struggling, in a valley... hang tight!

Just call out... scream out... "Father HELP ME!!!"

Jesus even did... on the cross. So why would we not? What is there to lose when all hope is already lost?

I am sure that the answers will not always be immediate... but then again maybe it will be!

The BAG of all BAGS!

My mom carries her purse or handbag wherever she goes. She always has it with her... even if she really doesn't need it. It is her sidekick.

I do not carry a purse or handbag by nature. Maybe it is simply because for 10 years (literally) I carried a diaper bag. So when I am alone, I don't want to have anything on me or with me. I also like to shop, so why add to the number of bags I will be lugging around? Maybe I am just not a girly girl. I make use of my pockets... all I really carry is a bank card and my cell.

I have many purses in my closet... and I love buying them. But they are like a necklace or a bracelet... an accessory.

My mom is a small person. 5'3 and has a small frame. Tonight I weighed her purse. It weighted 7pounds 4 ounces. I do believe that is what Max weighed at birth!

So we took out all of the contents to see what my mother carries with her... daily!

2 blood sugar meters
ear drops
Tylenol
US change
Canadian change
a cell phone
a D.C. magnet
insulin pen
hair brush
always a book or two
candy
a single M&M
an address book
a wallet
a change purse
nail clipper
a bus pass
5-6 pens
and her keychains...

OK let's talk about the key chains...
she has 4 of them... and she is a real grandma... so she collects items for the keychain to amuse children.

The key chain is a collection of:
animals that make sounds or light up (a frog, monkey, pig, duck, dolphin)
a flashlight
a calculator
a measuring tape
a little DVD keychain with pictures.

Did I mention that this handbag weighs over 7 pounds?
Oh I forgot the section with the reciepts...too.


My brother has a "man-bag." He swears by it. Kumar even bought one for Sanj for Christmas one year. I just found it in the basement with a bunch of other miss matched stuff when we moved.

I wish I could use a purse diligently. I did buy one today... (Sanj will be so annoyed)! But I bought it because it went with the boots I needed!

So I will keep purse-a verving! Haha.

Meeting the Neighbours

Country living is full of adventures and challenges we have not encountered in the city. The latest is the critter that has taken residence in our garage... a skunk! He is in control and seems to know it! Sanj was out banging around to try to scared it (but not too much) out of the garage. It would seem that he had the upper hand as we awoke to the garbage torn and tossed around.

Tyler came home saying we should put powder on the garage floor... so we would know when he left... smart eh? Well this was actually his teacher's creative idea!

Other annoying things we are sharing our house with are flies. They are called cluster flies... and there are a LOT of them... all over. Apparently this is seasonal. Thank Goodness because they seem to multipy in a blink of an eye!

Then there are the frogs and toads...my kids are thrilled with the capture of this little critters... Poor things... the critters, I mean! Hand washing has taken a whole new meaning to me!

Oh and then there is one of the real neighbours who is defintely an interesting character... with a dog, Sasha, who keeps pooping on our lawn!!!

Hum... The boys are enjoying cutting the lawn on the riding lawn mower... we'll see how long that lasts.

They are waiting with hopeful hearts for the toys they hope to get... someday. Thank goodness we have an uncle and cousins with the toys that we can check out!

Playing Catch Up...

I have been extremely busy or too tired to blog lately and have really missed it. I love putting pictures with my blog so I was at a disadvantage because the camera cord was packed away... till now! So here are a few blogs with life the last 2 weeks!

One of my favorite things we have been doing on the weekends is a campfire. I love it. There is something about sitting around the fire... roasting marshmallows (one of my weaknesses), trying to keep the pyromaniac in me and my kids under control!

I find it very relaxing. I don't feel the call of dishes or whatever while sitting by the fire. I love the way it makes us chat and hang out with famiiy and friends. So cool... and I don't even need to go to bed in a tent afterwards!

Changing Seasons

My life for the past 8 years or so has been one that involved the boys school in a huge way. It was a place I loved and wanted to do whatever it took to spread that love and specialness I felt being a part of it. I loved that Rhema was a place that I knew my kids were being nurtured and yet so was I!

There have been so many changes I am not sure I even know up from down! We got a new principal... with that comes a huge change. What once felt grounded now feels shaky. Change is good and I suppose even needed. But suddenly all that seemed safe and secure isn't.

It is a whole new territiory yet there is no map.

It is funny, but I remember when we were getting involved in the school, I used to think that the "older" families were uptight and had serious issues with change.

Suddenly WE are the older family. The younger families have a new principal and new ideas and it is not a easy thing to deal with.

But the seasons are changing. I made the decision to step away from my duties at the school. Since the leadership at the school was changing I felt this was a good time to let someone else come in with new energy and ideas.

I know that now is the time for me to focus on other things... find new things that feed me and challenge me to grow as a person.

I still plan to take the real estate course in the next couple of months. I am giving myself a few months to get us settled and a handle on keeping myself organized.

So many things are changing. Most are for the good but there are those desires that I wonder do I persue? Adopting a child... for example... life changing for our whole family. Yet this keeps coming up... to adopt a child ... to change a life. What a wonderful life lesson for the boys... to see the impact that we can make on a child.

Yet I don't know. I will have a child in High School next year. I am not sure I am ready for that. Again big changes... all good hopeful yet a bit scary.

Change is good. Yet just as with the changing of the seasons, there is beauty yet it can be messy.

Dreams

I am a dreamer. I have dreams pretty much every night. I can't not even imagine not dreaming. It is all good except when I have reoccurring nightmares!

My worst one is that my teeth have all fallen out. It freaks me out! I don't want to be toothless. It makes me brush my teeth with diligence.

Another one is tidal waves. I have this dream that we are on vacation and a HUGE tidal wave crashes on shore. I hate the dark waters where I can't see bottom. So a nightmare that I could be washed away always leaves me freaked out! After the tsunami, we had gone to the Dominican for vacation. It was a constant on my mind. What would I do? And my kids.... I can't even go there.

One I had the other night is that I am pregnant! I am not aware of this and then I feel the baby move... you know that foot kicking out kind of move... and I know (in my dream) that I am pregnant! Oh my gosh!!!

Nightmares. These are just the reoccurring ones. I have ones that I am being chased or attacked... usual by my father or that he is going to get my kids. I have the boogie man dreams. I especially hate the dreams that are so scary and then I wake up... know I am dreaming and then try to shake it off. Yet when I fall back asleep... it continues.

Dreams/ nightmares. What is the point of them? I wish I would have dreams that would answer some of my life questions. Ones that maybe there are no right or wrong answers.

I would like a good night's sleep with no dreams. Maybe that would be the definition of a great night sleep!

Brothers and Sisters

You may have seen the shows where they show dogs and their owners ... and how so often a dog resembles their owner or vise versa. How odd or how interesting.

Well lately I have noticed couples... married couples seem to easily be each other's siblings. Their looks... their mannerisms...just something makes they seem like one! Maybe it is because they are in sync or maybe I am just crazy...

But look at all the couples you know and see if I am not right!

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today I turned 40 years old! The number does sound old!!! I remember old people turning 40 and thinking ... wow... I can't imagine life when I am 40! Tada... I am 40 years old. I actually feel fabulous. I am happy, healthy and loved. What more can I really ask for?

I had a great weekend. I hate surprises (probably because I hate not being in control) so I planned my party with Sanj!
I was a FUNd raising in leu of gifts... by a ticket to my party ... a dinner cruise on the local Liftlock Cruise.

It was a great night! And we raised $2200 dollars towards the playground equipment for the boys school! How great is that for one evening? And we had a wonderful time!

My kiddies got me an Apple Air... which I am making good use of... and my hubby got me a Omega watch... one that I will have for the next 40 years!

I had lots of best wishes and calls and felt the love that blesses my life daily!

So it has indeed been a happy birthday!

Thank you God for being so faithful and present in my life. Even when I did not know it, I am so glad YOU are in control and so patient!
I love You for all YOU are ... a constant in my life! Thank you for the gift of my life. May I use it everyday to bring YOU glory and honor.

Country Living

I have always been a city girl. So I thought... but it is probably simply because I did not know the joys of country living.

I love it.

I love our house. Though it is quite a bit smaller, it is so bright and cozy, you don't notice. I am blogging to the sound of crickets. My windows are open and it just feels so relaxed.

Oh the homework, lunches and laundry are still very much here but I have found (in the last 2 days) I am more relaxed and FEEL peaceful. I am happy and content.

I love the fact that the kids are outside and safe. Zach just brought a frog to the window... I don't think I ever saw him actually hold one yet!

Maybe this is what HOME feels like. I like it.

Yesterday, day two in the house I was blessed with 6 friends or so that came and helped make the house home so fast! The main floor and bedrooms are unpacked for the most part. I made supper and even did dishes... without feeling grumpy! (Now that may not last)!

So I give thanks, for the goodness of friends, family and community. I give God all the credit for HIS PLAN. I wouldn't have felt like this in the houses that we did not get. Patience and trusting go hand in hand. WOW... He is so awesome! So God, I thank You and love you so much. May You live in this home

The Move

Did you ever notice that words like "move" and "pack" are 4 letter words??? Well there is a reason... eespecially when you are moving a family of 8!

We survived.

I don't have much to say about the moving day except that I don't EVER want to do that again!

We had a LONG day that reiterated that we have too much crap! I thought I purged well. Apparently not, judging by the basement.

Let the purging begin... Maybe we are pack rats and didn't know it. I hate rodents. So here I go again till there is actually a basement to work with!

We were overwhelmed by love and support from our amazing friends. Food and childcare were in abundance that it made the packing bare-able.

All done!

September 11

I just can't help but acknowledge this day. 9/11 ... how much has changed since that day. I can't help think of all the children that lost parents or all the children born without their dad.

I don't have anything profound to say except that I remember. I feel that feeling of sadness when I think of the pain, panic and absolute fear. I feel sad thinking of the people that have such beliefs that justifies all the pain that came with this day.

Just remembering...

A Morning Person

It is 5:30 a.m. and I am up! Ok I still feel kind of groggy... but not enough to fall back asleep~ I have been doing quite good with the whole getting up and trying to be organized in the morning bit. Can't say I really like it, but I believe that you are either a morning person or not.

Only 4 more sleeps till we are asleep in our new house!!! I am so excited I can't wait! I am feeling good about the move as far as packing and being ready. We are in good shape! Sanj's is stressed out. He is worried that we are not going to be ready. Being a pessimist, this is OK, at least it (the worrying) is keeping him busy! :)

We have been showered by kindness from friends. Meals, baby-sitting or occupying Josh... it is the only way we are so sane at this point! So I am blessed! Deeply blessed.

I feel so cleansed with all the purging that I have been able to do. I literally put away 20 loads of laundry yesterday. This kind of had me in a mood ... as you know my love affair with laundry. Yet maybe that will change when I get my front loader! Yes I know.... everyone has one.. and I know how much you can fit in and save.. but our machine has not died... so I couldn't justify buying a new washer... till now. Sanj gets the riding mower (although he says it is for me... we know better...) and I get the washer!

Ok I am just writing to write! I hope that each of you have a great day! Now it is only 5:42 a.m. Oh the possibilities. I am going to crawl back to bed for just a bit.

Boys Are So WEIRD!

Our house is in a very discombobulated state. I am SO ready to be moved and out of here. I am getting in a bad mood just simply because enough is enough.

My poor sons are at a loss for what to do. Toys are gone, TVs are down and game stations are put away. So they amuse themselves in loud ways ... which means 3-4 tease 1 of the other brothers. This is followed by screaming of "Mommy... he....."

I went to the dollar store and bought a few nerf guns to occupy them. Hum... they found their own version of the game.
A ladder, a younger brother who is silly enough to provide his "most prized body part" as target practice....

Awww..... laughter.

Boys are so weird. Just a girl's perspective. Good thing they are so lovable.

39 and counting!

I am saying goodbye to the 30s soon. I am looking forward to this next decade with anticipation. The 30s for me was about discovery usually by trial and error. I often lost myself in the midst of motherhood and being wife. Time for myself was a rarity.

I found myself and defining where I belong in the extended family... whether it was with my family or Sanj's. It was a time to discover new friendships, and see which older friendships stood the test of time. I learn to define what a friend is to me. I learned to release people that did not make me a better person or that took me down a path I did not want to go.

It was about making discoveries about myself such as who I really am and can be. It was about learning that I like people and working together toward a great cause.

It was about learning to become a leader (something I never have been before) rather than a follower. I learned to make things that were important happen rather than wondering if they would happen.

I learned it is OK to be really happy and really sad. It is OK to feel disappointment deep in the core of you. It is OK to be me. Me... whatever all that entails the good, bad and ugly.

I learned that "talents" are things like the ability to really love, to accept, to be positive. To be real, to be open and inviting. To be giving and hospitable and forgive.

I learned that I am weird, corky even maybe eccentric. But that is OK. I find normal kind of boring. But than maybe that is just an excuse to make myself feel better ... that I am not the norm.

I think that my six sons were all part of an amazing plan. Part of being different... standing out in a crowd. They were given to me as a gift. A gift that I will spend the rest of my life unwrapping wonderful little surprises each of them will bring into my life.

My husband was my special blessing. Life would not be as wonderful, crazy and full if he was not my partner in this crazy journey we are on together.

The biggest discovery of my 30s is that I am loved. Not just a bit... but oozing over with all different kinds of love. I feel it when I am with my friends, my family and my sons, my husband and mostly by God.

After spending so much of my early years feeling unloved... my cup is overflowing with love. I feel it... as I breathe. It fills my soul. It grounds me and makes me want to pass it on. Love. There is nothing like it... feeling you are loved, knowing you are loved. It really is the one thing in life that is priceless.

You can't make people love you. It is a gift. So as I greet the next 40 years with hope, dreams and excitement... I am grateful for the last 40 years. For all I have learned, grown from and become.

Thank you for all that love me. You have made my life rich in a way that no one else can. You are loved dearly.

Here I come 40!!!

The Visit

Yesterday I spent part of the day with my dad. To be honest, the night before, I didn't want to go. I was feeling that I was wasting time. I have so much to do and did not feel the need to drive to Oshawa and be uncomfortable.

I went. I did not want to "hurt" my dad's feelings. Talk about irony. It was fine. I am fine.

I realized that almost 40 years has gone by and I am fine. No expectations. God has been so good to me. I have peace where there is no understanding. I have acceptance of this person as he is. It was just doing errands with my dad and Josh, having lunch and then talk to you later.

As I drove away, I was waiting for emotions to flood me and to feel unsettled. I was a little lost at the lack of emotional drama.
I was a little lost at the nothingness I felt. I felt OK.

I went because I felt like it was the right thing to do. I felt sad at the consequences of my father's life. Loneliness is a bitch of a punishment.

My dad seems nostalgic... mentioning my fast approaching 40th birthday... and said something about how time goes by so fast.

Does he have regrets? It would seem so. Does he verbalize them... not yet. Maybe these regrets will keep him company in his grave.

I am not holding my breathe for a miracle...

Yet I am content with where I am emotionally. It is a long way from one year ago. How blessed I feel for this gift. Acceptance.
Accepting what he can give me and not seeking what isn't. Peace... am I at peace? Maybe or close to it. Wow.

First day of school...

Today Zachary started grade one! Big day for a big boy!

Josh and I have continued our bosom buddies relationship...

The rest of the boys are old pros... ready to check out the new classroom and new teachers.

All in all a good day!

Rough life!

There is nothing more annoying than life throwing you a curve and your mother is looking at it as a photo op.

Jesus Loves Me This I Know

It is such a simple song... " Jesus loves this I know... little ones to Him belong, they are weak but He is strong.... Yes Jesus loves me... the Bible tells me so." Rather than the Bible tells me so... I would say Jesus shows me so... over and over.

I have been such a believer in miracles. I love a great answer to prayer story. I love it even better when it is one of my prayers that are answered. I am not obnoxious to think that only my prayer gets the miracles to happen but I sure feels good to see the Hand of God in action.

Unfair is a blog I wrote a few day ago. Just a few days ago, I was asking God for a miracle. For Him to make a way to allow this family to be at Rhema. I was at the park with some of the boys yesterday, when my cell rang. It was the mom.... telling me that the school called... there was someone that was going to cover the balance of the bill, whatever the family couldn't pay.

I was blown away. Actually I am still blown away. How huge is that? How wonderfully generous. How fabulous of God to answer in such an awesome way?

There has been so many changes this year that this little gift was just what I needed. Rhema is still Rhema in the ways that are so important to me. We are a community that embraces each other and it is what makes this place so special. The core is still there.

Jesus loves me. He shows me in so many little ways that I often miss them. Yet here it is ... in a BIG amazing answer to pray.... to many that prayed. Here is a family that has to now know, if they didn't before, that they matter, to our community and more so God. So neat, so amazing, I love it.

In so many ways, I am still a child. I feel vulnerable and lost so often. I am lonely and scared some of the time. I wonder and think of all the what if's ... in my life. Yet I know ... really deep down know... Jesus loves me. Why do I ever question it? Because I am just like my kids, sulky when they don't get their way.

Yet I know that my Parent has my best interest. I need to simply trust. I need to listen and hear. I need to believe. He has it all under control. I just need to let Him love me.

It is such a journey. Why it takes me so long to learn... I don't know. But I am learning. It IS so simple if I allow it.