Growing Up

I had an interesting conversation last night in regards to my blog. I love feedback. I love when you agreed and yet even when you disagree. Most things I write are just thoughts passing thru at that moment or that day. My thoughts and emotions change constantly.

My blog has been a great source of release that is enjoyable to me. I like being able to come back and see where I was a month ago verses now. I appreciate the feedback and grow from your thoughts and comments.

I hope that some of the stuff is helpful to others. I hope that maybe someone else that is hurting will realize that you are not alone.

I am in a good space. I have really tried to grow up my relationship with God. I have really tried to stop the temper tantrums. I would never have gotten away with them as a child, yet never think twice when I am mad at God. I guess this is where His unconditional love is so real. I never question His patience and understanding of my bad behave.

Lately, I have been embarrassed by some of my past temper tantrums. It is so hard to simply say, "OK, I don't understand, but I surrender." I am not good at that whole giving up control. Or when I know I have messed up so badly and then beg Him to bail me out. Example... having premarital sex and then begging to not get pregnant.

I am the kind of person that will usually jump into something and then think later. This usually gets me in all sorts of trouble. Then I wonder WHY my kids are that way!!! Hum...

So a grown up relationship... what does that look like? Sometimes I look at people, such as my brother who is a pastor and can recites verses, pray up a storm and sound so adult (remember to me he is my little brother!) or other friends that read their bible faithfully and seem to worship as they breathe.

I am not sure. My relationship has always been very simple. For me, He is just someone I talk to all the time but not in that way of on my knees for periods of time. But rather just talking to Him in my head. This is what I did as a child and have never changed it. I actually feel when I pray out loud that it feels weird and fake. I am always looking for the words to express my real thoughts when praying aloud.

Then there is church. That is another can of worms. But I wonder as I take my kids to church because I know I should for all those reasons I know... if there is a right or wrong way to worship or be in relationship with Him? Who are we to judge some else's ways?

Sanj is a musician. His way to worship is through his music. Whether he is playing or writing music, it is the way that he worships. Sermons just go right through him as he is sitting there tapping his fingers to some song or tune in his head. Is that the wrong way?

I am thinking that there is such a norm that we are comfortable with as modern day christians. But I think that it is not something that works for everyone. And who are we to judge... Maybe it makes us uncomfortable to see something different. But different isn't bad or wrong.

We were each made to be different in God's image. So I can't pray on my knees like my mother- inlaw does. Or no I don't read my Bible daily. I wish I did. But that doesn't work for me right now. What does my grown up relationship with God look like...
Hopefully you see it in my everyday life. It is me growing a bit each day, even once in a while taking a couple of steps backwards... talking it thru with Him and working it out.

I am working towards my ideal. I appreciate the people that have that "grown up" relationship with God. But I appreciate people that simply just want it. It is a great thing to strive towards... a grown up relationship. But thankfully He is my father and He accepts me just as I am ... childish, growing and seeking.