Answered!

I prayed all day for no rain... actually for the rain to just hold off.
It was touch and go all day!

6 p.m. it was perfect! 30+ kiddies, lots of food and a chance to catch up on friendship.

We left minutes to 9p.m.

9:05 it is a major lighting storm!

9:23 pm a major rain storm outside!

Thanks for those that prayed. Thank You God... for hearing my small prayers.
Thank you for hearing me.

Thanks for caring about the small stuff too!

Cash In on Energy!

The boys are FULL of energy. Their level of energy is never a shortage. Yesterday we bought up all the winter clothes up, sorted and boxed. The boys wrapped all their trophies and packed them up. Total of boxes packed... 8! Now only 800 more to go!

The boys were great. I love their energy and enthusiasm about the move.

They are more motivated to pack then I am.

I love it. I may as well cash in and get stuff done with their unending supply of energy.

Tyler even gave up golf to pack! WOW!

As we were packing and sorting the clothes, we made sure the clothing still fit. As stuff was passed on, it was like a treasure being found. Max getting Sammy's favorite hockey sweatshirt! Zach getting Max's stuff... hand me downs is awesome! :)

Hope this continues on as they become teenagers!

Special People

My brother Kumar and I often talk about the blessing of coming from a crazy household and making life as an adult as "normal" as we know. We often have talked about what helped us. One of those things was the special people God placed in our lives.

It is such as blessing when people "love their neighbour as yourself." It was these people that made impactful impressions on our lives. There are so many people that I could name that had a hand in my future as an adult.

Mr. and Mrs. Canther... they were our Pathfinder leaders in Orlando. They loved young people and God. They were such real people who gave the greatest gift of their time. They believed in me and took an interest in me. They were such a role model of leadership, service and Christianity. I don't even know if they are alive... yet hope that I will be able to let them know how much they touched me.

In Ohio, there was Dr. and Mrs. Agard. These are my girlfriend's parents. They always treated me with love and kindness I can never repay. They have big hearts and helped me realize that there are good people that don't mind stepping up to the plate when others fail too. They will always have a special place in my heart.

In Michigan, at Andrews the people that changed my life was the Knight Family. These special people taught me about family. The good and the bad, about loving, forgiving, and accepting all of each other. I lived with them for 4 years and a bit. They became my home (away from home). They loved me. They worried about me. They hurt with me. They nurtured me.
They were proud of me.

I felt safe. I felt cared for and wanted. I felt needed. I felt appreciated. I was loved.

I was blessed with all these people in my life to add to what me parents did give me. I always have a home away from home.
My children have learned to love the Knights as extended family members.

This was a gift from God. My brother has his own list of people that touched his life. God took care of us, had it all planned out despite the fact that we may have got the shorter end of the stick.

What a special gift... people who can love and welcome someone into their lives and love them.

I hope to pass that blessing on throughout my life. I pray that God uses me to touch lives and give back too.

A Proud Moment!

Sammy and Tyler were at Hockey Camp this last week. It was a specialized program with 30 hours of ice time. They were on the ice 6 hours a day!

They would start at 8:30 a.m. and come home starving at 7:30 p.m. Sammy loved it last year and was ready again this year. He is in his element. Tyler begged to do this camp.... can I tell you... BEGGED. Despite our reservations, we signed him up.

Tyler, with his anxiety issues really struggled the first days. Not knowing anyone, not sure what they were going to do etc.. all the unknowns really set him off. But despite tears and all his anxiety, he did it! We are so proud of his efforts to overcome his fears and push forward. He really learned a lot and is ready for next year!

Sammy is a boy that is at home on the ice. He loves the game and is "able to see the game." (Not my words).

Each year at camp they give a trophy out to the child that exemplifies good sportsmanship and behavior among other things.

Sammy was given the award. What a proud moment. Forget about number of goals scored, assists, etc., if my children can be remembered for their character... HOW AWESOME!

He is so humble about it too. He comes up to us (Josh and ) as I tell him I am proud. He looks at Josh and gives him a hug and says "But you are my favorite trophy!"

Tyler (who may feel in Sammy shadow at times) comes up and says, "Good Job Sammy!"

A proud moment!

6+1= no I am not pregnant!

Summer is a time that allows me to spend quality time with the boys. But during all that quality time... there are many moments during the constant teasing, fighting and nitpicking that I wonder if I am doing it right. Parenting that is. How can they find so much to natter about?

Then I am reassured that this is a part of childhood. In our house everything is multiplied by 6! The noise, fighting, mess, love, kisses, and "I love you"s."

Then there are those moments when I wonder, do we adopt? It has always been a dream of mine, since I was little. But today adoption takes so long and all the hoops you have to jump through not to mention the money. It was always faster and easier to make our own. Can you tell I have issues with patience?

Yet then I think of that child out there that can have his/her life changed by being part of a crazy family.

We were teasing Josh about getting another baby. Then he WOULD have to be a big boy (something he is fighting). He loved the idea. "Are you going to the baby store?" "Can we get a yellow baby and a pink one?" He is thrilled. A baby store! Hum... if it was only that simple.

So this I leave in God's hands. If this is meant to be... it will happen. I don't think that dreams that stay alive in your heart should be dismissed easily. Maybe they can't be dismissed easily. So often I count to make sure I have all the kids in the car or just accounted for and always feel like one is missing. I recount... nope all 6 are here. Maybe there should be 7?

Maybe I am just crazy.

Mini Me

Sammy and I are so much alike. We are more alike than we are different. I could list the great things about Sammy... such as his great personality, thoughtfulness, great big brother, loving, and so on.

We are told so often how alike we are. This drives Sammy crazy.

Sammy has the same fixation/addiction to sugary treats as me. So I was pointing out to him that since he is my clone, to be careful. Diabetes may in his life since it is such a heredity issue in our family.

Sammy: "How come I get all your bad stuff?"

Me: "Hey!!! You get my good stuff too!"

Sammy: "Like what?"

Me: "Um, YOUR GOOD LOOKS!"

Sanj: "Ha! She's got you there!!!"

Sammy: Smiles :)

Tooth Fairy... where are you?

My life with 6 sons is summed up in one word... ADVENTURE!

You never know what you are going to experience or find.

Going to the bathroom can be an experience all in it self... sitting on the seat and sliding from the gift of pee left for me by the last visitor. Hum...

The things that humor them often leave me baffled. I stopped for gas on the way home... Max and his buddy in the car say, " Mom, if you need gas, you should have asked. I have plenty!" This is followed by laughter that won't stop and every time the word gas is said as in "I'll be right back, I have to pay for the gas..." hilarious!

One thing about childhood I cannot stand is the whole lose a tooth bit. It really grosses me out. I can still remember the feel of the wiggle of a tooth hanging by that last bit. Yuk.

Thankfully, all the boys so far have no issues with pulling out their teeth and taking care of business.

Yesterday Jordan had a tooth bothering him. It was loose and he said, "Can I just yank it out?"
"Well of course you can if you want," was my reply. We were leaving the house.

I was making supper and see bits of blood around and bloody tissues. Yuck. I called him to clean it up. As I continueto make supper I see this thing on the counter... it does not look familiar. Upon closer examination I see it is a tooth. Gross.

Guess I forgot to tell the boys about the tooth fairy.

This picture is a few years ago when Jordan lost one of his front teeth on the airplane and one after we landed.

BFF... Best Friends Forever

Growing up it seems everyone had a best friend. I didn't have one till we moved to Florida... Heather Cavanaugh. We lived in the same apartment complex, went to the same church and school and in our free times played together. I remember she had a water bed! I was so envious. She was a only child and lived with her mom.

I loved going over to her apartment. Those three years we did everything together. She became part of of our family quite easily. I was so sad when we left Florida to move (for no explainable reason) to Ohio. YUK. We wrote often, talked occasionally and stayed friends for a period of time. She came for my high school graduation. I was so happy.

In Ohio, I wouldn't say I had a best friend. I didn't really have close friends. I had a friend, Donna Perry. We were both misfits with unshared issues at home. I think we were not "best friends" because this was a one sided relationship... I was the one always talking. She was a good listener. But never really shared much... till much later. We helped each other survive high school.

In university, as I have said before, life changed. I made lots of great friends. My girlfriend from high school became one of my best friends.

I have found that as an adult, that word BEST FRIEND can cause pain. What is a best friend? There in is were the pain can lie. Each person's definition and expectations are different.

Best friends can change as life changes. My best friends are always there. I knew no matter what... I can call. I also know that we both will make an effort to keep the friendship alive since we are not in the same place. As I grow older, I realize how special my real friendships are. They are harder to develop as we grow older. Too many wall or defenses are in place, time becomes precious and our children's friendships take over.

Zach had a friend over (the 3 kids we were caring for) whom he loves. He always says the Jake is his BF. Well on day 2, Max said something along the lines of "Jake, who is your BF?" Jake replies, " You are." Zach is my 6th BF.

Zachary's heart was broken. The tears...(of course the tiredness of the day added)... he was so hurt. He has grown up with his brothers having best buddies. Now his best buddy was someone else's.

What do you do when someone is says your their best friend and that isn't your feelings? Only no good, hurt comes from those situations. I am trying to teach the boys that you can have a buddy that is liked very much, but people change. Friendships change. If you have more than one extra special friend, you are blessed. As you get older, friendships and the definition changes.

I have a lot of friends. Some I hang out with alot. Some I chat on the phone and others I email. Some friends I chat with evey once in a while. We get caught up and know we will talk at some point. There are friends that are couple friends, there are friends that are family friends. There are friends that come through in the most amazing way and make you realize that this IS a friendship, just a different kind.

I think as you grow older sometimes the definition of friendships change. Some friendships feed your soul. But I also think that God places some friends for me to nourish or feed. A balance is the keep in those relationships.

Sanj, is my best friend, in every sense of the word. He is there to see all of it, the good, bad and ugly. He loves me through it all. He listens to my heart and is my friend 24/7. I love that I have a friend all the time. (Of course I know I could call my friends too... but you know what I mean...).

I hope that my sons make and maintain friendships that stand the test of time. I never lived anywhere long enough to have a childhood friend. I hope that the boys learn the importance of friendship and how to be a good friend. I hope that they are friends with each other... I know all may not click with every one, but as long as they each have a brother they are close to, that would be awesome.

I am thankful for all my friends. I have become a richer person thanks to each my friends touching my life. I may not have started off with many great friends, but with each passing year, my list of friends continues to grow. I am blessed. I am so thankful. Thanks for being one of my special gifts in life. You are loved and treasured.

Seeking A Green Thumb

I remember growing up with plants around us. When we lived in Toronto in apartments, I remember (more through pictures) of all the plants on the window sills. I can remember going to Edward's Garden in Toronto with my dad's sister and family. And "crimes" my uncle and mom would try to get away with... breaking a piece of whatever exotic plant or flower caught their attention. They would bring it home and place it in water to try and get the roots to come.

The Jasmine Plant was a favorite for my mom or the curry leaf plan. Someone would smuggle it from India and as it grew they would pass a piece to transplant. Gardening or plants was a memory I associated with my mom. But as I grew older, it became a memory that I attached to my dad.

Maybe my mom was busy working (to provide for us) and my dad was around. But gardenin was a soothing balm for my father. He spent literally HOURS in the gardens. It was not a small one either. He would use stakes and string to make rolls... very neat rolls and make paths to walk around the vegetables. He really missed his calling as an landscaper.

He would stand for hours in the evening watering the plants with the hose. He would wake up at 5-6 a.m. and begin the tedious process of weeding. When I think back, gardening was so natural to him as breathing. The last 10 or plus years he has been living in Tennessee, this is what he does during the warmer weather. He lives in an apartment and has landscaped the whole front of the buildings. He gets donations from various green houses and pretties up the place. Then on the side of the building is a huge area that is his garden! He was given an award or something my the city persons for making his community better!

The front of our house in Ohio was covered with some creeping plants covering most of the porch.

Now... I, the other hand, did not inherit my father or mother's green thumb! Or maybe it was being awaken at 6 a.m. in the summer mornings to go WEED the GARDEN!!! I would get so TICKED OFF!!! This was my teen years, so obviously I needed to sleep in but no, the garden was calling! My dad's reasoning was to be there and get the job done before it was too hot.

My kids so lovingly bring home these plants from school, every year for Mother's Day. Now they bring it, say Happy Mother's Day, and then say "It's OK it's going to die. Maybe you should give it to grandma." Sanj's mom has a green thumb too.

Sad, eh? I just can't keep things alive that don't speak up! "Mom, FOOD!!!"

So this new house is on acreage. About 2 of it needs mowing. The lady there says it takes 4 hours!!! Sanj has passed this on to me... as time is limited on the weekends. He even went to put a deposit on a riding lawnmower. I am thinking that is what I have 6 boys for. I will have to keep the number of our handy dandy yard guy now. "Billy... our lawn needs mowing."

"Hey Sanj... look at the great job I did on the yard.!!!" :)

OK, so this house has a beautiful wrap around porch. The curb appeal is great. But mainly because of all the flowers and greenery that is surrounding it. HELLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Who is going to do that next year? I wonder if these flowers are annuals or is it perennials ... I don't even know for sure... but what I mean is the plants that come back on their own each year... annually... right?

My thumbs are brown. Some things even genetics can't help!

Growing Up

I had an interesting conversation last night in regards to my blog. I love feedback. I love when you agreed and yet even when you disagree. Most things I write are just thoughts passing thru at that moment or that day. My thoughts and emotions change constantly.

My blog has been a great source of release that is enjoyable to me. I like being able to come back and see where I was a month ago verses now. I appreciate the feedback and grow from your thoughts and comments.

I hope that some of the stuff is helpful to others. I hope that maybe someone else that is hurting will realize that you are not alone.

I am in a good space. I have really tried to grow up my relationship with God. I have really tried to stop the temper tantrums. I would never have gotten away with them as a child, yet never think twice when I am mad at God. I guess this is where His unconditional love is so real. I never question His patience and understanding of my bad behave.

Lately, I have been embarrassed by some of my past temper tantrums. It is so hard to simply say, "OK, I don't understand, but I surrender." I am not good at that whole giving up control. Or when I know I have messed up so badly and then beg Him to bail me out. Example... having premarital sex and then begging to not get pregnant.

I am the kind of person that will usually jump into something and then think later. This usually gets me in all sorts of trouble. Then I wonder WHY my kids are that way!!! Hum...

So a grown up relationship... what does that look like? Sometimes I look at people, such as my brother who is a pastor and can recites verses, pray up a storm and sound so adult (remember to me he is my little brother!) or other friends that read their bible faithfully and seem to worship as they breathe.

I am not sure. My relationship has always been very simple. For me, He is just someone I talk to all the time but not in that way of on my knees for periods of time. But rather just talking to Him in my head. This is what I did as a child and have never changed it. I actually feel when I pray out loud that it feels weird and fake. I am always looking for the words to express my real thoughts when praying aloud.

Then there is church. That is another can of worms. But I wonder as I take my kids to church because I know I should for all those reasons I know... if there is a right or wrong way to worship or be in relationship with Him? Who are we to judge some else's ways?

Sanj is a musician. His way to worship is through his music. Whether he is playing or writing music, it is the way that he worships. Sermons just go right through him as he is sitting there tapping his fingers to some song or tune in his head. Is that the wrong way?

I am thinking that there is such a norm that we are comfortable with as modern day christians. But I think that it is not something that works for everyone. And who are we to judge... Maybe it makes us uncomfortable to see something different. But different isn't bad or wrong.

We were each made to be different in God's image. So I can't pray on my knees like my mother- inlaw does. Or no I don't read my Bible daily. I wish I did. But that doesn't work for me right now. What does my grown up relationship with God look like...
Hopefully you see it in my everyday life. It is me growing a bit each day, even once in a while taking a couple of steps backwards... talking it thru with Him and working it out.

I am working towards my ideal. I appreciate the people that have that "grown up" relationship with God. But I appreciate people that simply just want it. It is a great thing to strive towards... a grown up relationship. But thankfully He is my father and He accepts me just as I am ... childish, growing and seeking.

Pay Back is a Chip!

I love Sanj. Yes, there is the BUT his Type A personality is highly annoying 90% of the time. It is the way he handles stress... or rather DOES NOT handle stress. When HE loses his keys, he freaks out 100% knowing that if he relaxes and breathes... it will turn up.

Usually I just ignore him... it passes. Sometimes I let him know how crazy he is. Other times I am passive aggressive. The great thing about Sanj is that he usually apologizes when he is wrong. I forgive him but there is usually the consequence of my wrath. I hate when I KNOW I have been treated unfairly.

I know Sanj's weakness is chips and chocolate. Usually after supper, he moseys into the kitchen. Da da.. magically the chips or chocolates await his lack of control. I don't know if he feels better, but I do. Tit for tat. OK I do realize the Bible says to turn the other cheek. Trust me, there are many times I do, other wise he would be wearing much bigger size pants.

Yesterday, his Type A (for annoying) personality took over again. I was really annoyed and hurt. While I went out for 45 minutes, I picked up a bag of macadamia chocolates. He even knew what I was up too. As I walked by, I thought he did not give in and eat them. Darn. But this morning the bag was empty. I felt better.

I love him. Just stop messing with me. You won't win.

Little Things

In my dreams, I am a mom that has lovingly prepared 3 meals and couple of snacks each day for the troops. In reality, cooking is annoying. I don't mind it every so often, but the everyday drudgery of "WHAT are we going to eat?" is the biggest frustration. Sanj always says, "I don't know!" The boys would pick different things but usually ordering out is the option of choice.

But until I get that Lil' Indian man that is going to do all my cooking, cleaning, laundry etc... (this is a running joke... getting my live in domestic assistant) I am left with figuring out the menu and getting meals on the table.

One thing I absolutely hate is cutting up fruit. I am not sure what the aversion is but I truly dislike it. My kids goggle up the fruit. So once I cut it, it doesn't even last for me to enjoy looking at it.

I made dinner last night. Then I painstakingly cut up 4-5 mangoes. My kids were delighted. It was gone in moments.
That was my gift of love to the family.

My dad would buy boxes of mangoes when in season. Then he would stand there and cut the mangoes into bite size pieces. They were cut the same size. He would put them in bowls and bring it to us. We loved this treat. I don't think I ever thought of it as a treat, but rather took it for-granted.

As I stood there yesterday, cutting up the mangoes, not caring about whether the were bite size pieces or not, I thought of my dad. This must have been a gesture of love.

Universal Pain

I went to my coaching session today. I feel so good. I realized that my love for my dad can be unconditional. I can love him and desire nothing in return (because I know on earth it isn't going to happen). I am free to love him. I am freeing myself of anger and all that comes with yearning.

I am at the place loving him is OK with no more expectations. I am releasing myself of guilt and worry. I know what will work for me and what won't. I have been given the strength to see these things though. I feel safe, strong and am finding the peace. It is OK for me to simply love him and yet be unattached.

I also have realized that finding strength, seeking it is also a gift or blessing. It isn't easy to remove yourself from what is known, and place yourself in the unknown. I am so grateful to God for putting people, my doctor, my husband, my friends and my brother in my life to keep me seeking and searching for that peace.

This is an something my doctor wrote:
"In the past week especially I have been exposed to so much pain,both in myself and especially all around me, mostly in my medical practice, that my eyes have been opened to the fact that pain is a universal human condition. No matter how anyone presents themselves, I have come to see that each and every human being is in pain all the time..... this was new to me!
I think I assumed that many people were feeling fine most of the time, and I believe I have discovered a secret which is a universal truth... it is not so! Most humans are usually in pain, to some degree or other.
If this is so, for me, this changes everything!
If pain is normal, and we stop resisting that, and accept it, stop longing for and scratching for, and believing that is our due to be out of pain, everything about life gets a lot easier to bear I think.
For if pain is normal, then what is to be my response to that?
Love is the balm, the salve, for that universal pain, I think.
As a Christian, being a channel of His peace and love, a branch of the Vine, then it is obvious to me that I am here on this planet to simply act as his agent to allow His love to flow through me!
Simple?
No, for me, it is profound!
See, yesterday I was at Warkworth correctional institute. A patient of mine has ended up there. His crime occurred because he didn't have the courage to tell me, his physician, or his wife, about the deep dark things going on inside of him. He knew he should, and he knew that if he did, he might have been able to obtain help,but the reason he chose not was that he feared losing the love of those dear to him,if he revealed the deep dark pain within him. So he bottled up the dark stuff, and he ended up committing a major crime.
His worst fear, however, did not come true.
His wife did not abandon him, and neither did some of his friends and family.
Sitting with him yesterday in the beautiful visiting courtyard area, now a few years after he committed the crime,we had such an amazing talk. He told me that he doesn't feel worthy of the love of friends and family. I told him,"None of us are worthy of each other's love,yet love is all we have to give each other, and it's the only thing that will soothe the pain,so I choose to be here, and I choose to love you. All of us are in pain, most of the time, none of us are worthy, we have all thought, said, or done horrible things to each other. Some of us have been caught and some of us haven't. I loved you before, I love you now, and I will always love you."
We talked some more about the commonality of the human condition of misery and pain and talked about listening to each other's pain, as listening is the other great gift we can offer each other as suffering human beings on this planet. At the end of it all, we gave each other a huge hug, and agreed to see each other again soon.
He told me that he had been considering just "shutting down" and going off into a little world of his own to deal with the relentless of the pain he carries, but that I had brought to his attention another way of dealing with it to consider. He could choose to accept the pain of everything, and then choose to agree to join in and become a part of the solution to the universal pain of us all, rather than resist it, flee it, or just sit and numb it."

This just made me stop feeling sorry for myself and appreciate the tools God has place in my life to learn to live, deal and accept pain that comes with life. Some of the pain heals, some of it becomes numb, and some does go away yet leaves you changed.

It makes me stop and give thanks for all the baby steps I have successfully taken, even the ones when I fell many times, but always had help getting up.

I also have realized that pain and heart ache are blessings too. Weird? If I had not experienced many heart aches, I would not be able to feel others pains in the way I can. And because this pain is universal it is a ministry of sorts. It (the pain) has strengthened me as a person in every way. It has made me realize that I do not want to ever live life as a victim but rather a surviver.

Pain is universal. But as long as there is love and a shoulder to cry on, it really is bearable. So comes the other gifts of love and friendship. They go hand in hand with pain. I feel great. I feel free and light. I can love unconditional even those that hurt me or cause me fear. Yet I can remain unattached.

Lucky!

They always say that envy is the green eye monster. OK I am not sure if that is the actual saying or not but it is one of my Reema-isms, as Sanj is fond of calling them. I had this huge moment today. Literally, it was a moment. I am lucky. That was my moment... I AM LUCKY!

One of my girlfriend's life has always been charmed. At least in my eyes. Her life has been "easy" for lack of a better word. She never had money worries, she had parents she could always count on, life never presented her with any "major" issues. This was something I was always very jealous of. I always told her she had a lucky streak... a charmed life.

My brother, Kumar, is another person that has had a pretty charmed life. Of course he had the same crazy life but he was popular in high school, had girlfriends and opportunities came his way. Not regular opportunities either. Now I can't say I was as jealous of my brother simply because he worked hard for the things he got.

Charmed people. Then there are the people that seem to be down on their "luck" constantly. Is it fair? I have struggled with that question for years. Fairness. Here on this side of the globe life is good despite our circumstances. Then I think of the other side... starvation, sicknesses (that we have cures and vaccinations for), or simply drinking water... these are struggles... every day. I think of the babies crying from hunger and the mother's hearts listening to the cry. Just writing this makes me feel so sad.

Is it fair? Nope. Guess that really sums up sin. SIN... not God's fault ... I want to say not my fault either... Wait till I get my hands on EVE! All the things I have complained about is really just life here. My coach said to me today... "everyone has pain." I never thought of it that way. Maybe pains on different levels but pains and hurt. EVERYBODY... some are just better at covering it up.

Today I realized I was Lucky. Life is good. Aw, sure it would be better if.... but for the most part, it is good. If you have people who love you, unconditionally and people or even one person to listen to you... it is all good.

I love that definition of lucky! Then when I realize I am lucky I see it in so many areas.

Our house sold in 2 months. There are so many houses for sale...for a long time. We found a house! The price was right.
We have working vehicles... (despite my van being a piece of junk... thanks GM). We are all healthy. No major illnesses. (Though as I write this some of the boys are feeling off). We have love. Despite the everyday bickering that occurs... I love my boys with all my heart. Those words are just not adequate, really. Then there is Sanj. Not only do I love him with indescribable love, what is greater is his love that I can feel and see. WOW! That is luck!

OK... lucky isn't the best word. Blessed. When I am looking at someone else, it really does seem lucky or charmed. But today I know better. Blessed. It is a great feeling. It doesn't mean perfection. It doesn't mean there aren't issues or worries, it isn't perfect. But blessed is having someone to share the stresses. Blessed is having a friend to share it all with. Blessed is KNOWING 100% that you are loved. It is knowing if you died today, you will be missed.

I am lucky. I am blessed. I am loved. I am lucky.

My Blessings!

Today Sanj and Tyler were at a father/son golf tournament. I decided to take our remaining 5 + the 3 other kiddies we adopted this weekend to the Toronto Zoo. It was a great day. I was struck with an overwhelming feeling of pride. I love my children, each one of them so much.

It was great because there was just a few minor complaints among themselves, otherwise with the added kids, it was wonderful!
Everyone got along. We were at one of those stops off the highway to grab lunch. It was very busy and it took a while to get our order. A lady came up to us and said, "I just couldn't walk away without telling you how well behaved this group of children are. You just don' t see that very often, especially with so many kids."

As I was driving to the zoo, I was flooded with pride and love for my children. They really are good kids. They drive me nuts more times than they don't. Often I forget to see the bigger picture. Usually I am too busy telling them, "don't do that!" or "stop that!" How often do I tell them how proud I am of them?

We were at the splash pad, some of the kids were changing and Sammy was holding Josh. It was so lovely to see Josh just smooch Sammy a BIG one! It was even better to see Sammy's 13 year old grin!

What a blessing it is to be a parent. I realize those blessing come in small little blips of time. I usually miss them if I am not looking for them. Sometimes I even take those blessings for granted. I love when we are driving and my kid sitting in the front seat will hold my hand while driving. I LOVE THAT! They never pull their hand away... and hang on till I have to let go.

I love that snuggle in the morning in my bed. I love how they go back to sleep. It is just such a reassuring feeling ... that little/or not so little body beside you.

I just love my children. I hope that they feel my pride and love even when I forget to verbalize it.

Conversation #2

As we were on our way to the Zoo this morning, the God/Jesus conversation was occurring again.
I just hear a bit of it...
Zach was talking to his buddy Jake ... "Is Jesus white???"

I didn't hear the answer...

A Conversation in the Car

The boys were nit picking about foolishness as usual. Max, who is becoming my little smart mouth, with a comment for everything his brothers say... was at it again. I said something along the lines of ... what would Jesus do?

Josh (3): I don't like Jesus.

Zach (6): Josh, you should love Jesus.

Josh: I love God.

Zach: Josh, you know that Guy you like...(God) that is Jesus' son.

Josh: I still love God.

Max: You know that God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are all one person.

Zach: The Holy Spirit?

Annoyed

As an almost 40 something, I know this world is not perfect and many times sucks. The ones that usually suffer is the children. Our house is always open to the boys and their friends. Yesterday was Tyler's birthday and so he invited one of his friends to spend the day and night with him.

Now the friend that he picked, isn't one of the boys I would have picked to come over for that length of time. Jimbob (no that is not his name) is a child that is not parented. His mom is busy with her social life and trying to be "hip" like her teenage daughter.

Jimbob called here at 11p.m. and asked to speak to Tyler! My heart stopped for a second wondering who died? Is Tyler ever awake at 11p.m. most nights? NO!

The kid has 2 earrings (God I sound like my mother) and KNOWs too much about stuff. He has a girlfriend and is now Facebook all the time. Did I mention that he is 11 years old?

Actually, what I do care about is my kid. I can't very well say to Tyler "stay way from Jimbob." I know that isn't going to work especially when they spend 8 hours of school together. I feel sorry for this child. He is often left anywhere he is wanted. It is almost 3 p.m. I can not reach his mother ... nor have I spoken to her. His grandmother dropped him off yesterday morning.

I am wondering if he is here to stay. OK... I know this isn't Christlike and normally I wouldn't care. I suppose I am bothered by the mother's lack of mothering. I am bothered that she doesn't have the courtesy to call and see what I had planned today.

This weekend we are adding 3 more children to the family. Good friends who often take our children are having a getaway.
I needed the day to simply regroup. My cleaning lady didn't come today either. Maybe that is why I am off... cleaning does it to me all the time.

OK... God, please give me a servant's heart. Bless this child (protect my child from ungodly influences) and help us to be more Christlike all the time. Not just with the easy ones... help me to remember that you love this family as much as mine.

What Not To Wear!

I love TLC. I love the shows about flipping homes, real estate shows and cooking shows. One of my favorites is Clean Sweep! It always fascinates me, people that have NO SHAME. I realize we all have a room that may be a "catch all." But when their is full of nasties and pure filth, I am always so embarrassed that people have no qualms to show all of America.

My other favorite is "What Not To Wear." I love Clinton. I find Stacey annoying but love her style. I would agree to dress really bad just to get on. I am dying for Nick to give me a style. (OK I realize I am assuming I don't dress bad... all the time). :)

I have learned many things from watching it. No mini skirts after 35 years old, especially the mini minis. Mom jeans... they just make you look bad! Why do they make them anyways? If not certain, stick to a straight cut all the way down. It elongates you!
Do I sound like I could have my own show?

OK, here is a big one! If a shirt is pulling apart at the buttons all the way down...UMMMMMM it is too small. I know we all hate to go up to the next size. It is amazing how a size number can rule emotions. I love Old Navy because I am a size 6 there!!!

When buttons are pulling apart, it is unattractive. There is no nice way to say it. You look bigger and draw attention to where you don't want the attention! It is better to get the bigger size to fit the biggest part of you and then have it tailored.

Really, we don't want to know what panties you are wearing.

Double breasted jackets and huge shoulder pads... a thing of the past. I love the rule that if you wore a certain fashion once, you shouldn't wear it the second time around! Sorry, no more leg warmers!

This is not my stuff... I am just passing the word on.

Waiting on Perfect Timing!

I remember waiting and waiting till Sammy could fit into size 3 months clothing. He was such a tiny babe. I couldn't wait for him to grow big enough for dress him up.

I couldn't wait for us to have the perfect house. That looked like a house on property with a pool, lots of property and all the toys. The boys would never be bored.

I can't wait till they are all out of car seats, or can do their own laundry. How great it will be for them to cook and clean after themselves.

We went and saw Indiana Jones today to Tyler's birthday. There was a line that I wish I could remember but paraphrasing badly it said... there is never the such a thing as the perfect time.

Often we wait for the perfect time to have children, or go on vacation or can't wait for that perfect moment. But will it be perfect?

When I am just doing laundry for 2 people or myself, will it be perfect? I am pretty sure it will suck. I am sure I will miss cooking for a busload of boys. I can't imagine missing the ridiculous amount of laundry I do now... but I am sure I will. It means they will be gone.

I am trying to enjoy now. Not 2 years from now when going to Disney will be perfect timing because Josh will be 5 years old.
I would rather go to the beach tomorrow and enjoy what is now.

I have realized that I don't want my life to be controlled by projects... such as right now it feels like life will be great after the move. I know it will but... I don't want to miss this summer with the boys either. I don't want to skip the 2 months of memories we can make only to be fixated on the future. The future isn't promised to us, only today.

Sanj and I were talking about the endless nights where there is not enough room for us on our KING SIZE bed. Yet I know that is only a moment in the big picture. I know we need to be there for our children when they need us now. Soon they won't be coming to us so willing.

I need to learn to focus and appreciate today. Did I do the best I could today? Was I a good mom today? Or at least an OK mom? What kind of wife was I?

I am only promised today. Today is the perfect time, isn't it?

Traditions

What I love about having my family is starting from scratch. The past is the past. I can do things that I always wanted. Traditions. I love hearing about other family traditions. It is something that sets your family apart from others. So traditions are often done is many families.

I know many families buy their children new pajamas for Christmas Eve. I love to try and find matching ones if possible. But with each passing year that is getting difficult.

The first day of school, I always have a little something. The last day of school they get a book or Dairy Queen.

When they turn 10 years old, each son takes a special trip with Sanj for the weekend.

After SK graduation you get your first watch.

East Side Mario's is our family restaurant of choice. They know us there from our weekly visits. They are welcoming and accommodating. This is where we celebrate our birthday dinners. Tradition has had it that the birthday person gets a pie in there face! Despite the fact that we have done this for a couple of years... the birthday person is giddy with the anticipation!

Traditions... they make families special. I love putting our own special stamp on our family with our traditions.

This is a picture of my sister-in-law being a good sport on her Birthday while here for a visit this past spring!

Lindsay... where in the world are you?

OK this is a bit unusual. This is a missing person message to a Miss Lindsay H. who worked at Sanj's clinic.
If you are being help captive and need rescuing from the evil Bigheaded Mr. H. Just write back.

If you are OK... and just want to be left alone.. you can write me at my email. I'll save you from the old fogies bothering you.

I did mention to Sanj that maybe you want to be left alone!!!

He seems to doubt it. So really this is a plea to just let us know you haven't been gobbled up by the big-headed wolf (altho i know he is vegetarian)!

Hope you are well. And hope to hear from you soon!

Happy Birthday Tyler!

Matthew TYLER Sukumaran will be 12 big ones tomorrow! He was 7lbs 9 ozs... my biggest baby. He is my gentle giant. Most of the time he has a heart of gold. He is sensitive to the point that when you punish one of his brothers, he is so hurt and angry for them. He is passionate about his passions... golf, hockey, footballs. I am so glad girls is not on that list yet!

I believe Tyler has the gift to see into a person's heart rather than looks. I love that about him. He is a great big brother and well as a great tormentor.

He has the greatest laugh and is so ticklish.. he can't stand the thought of a tickle!

He is generous and thoughtful. One year he bought me a bracelet with his own money! I loved it! Another year, he bought Sanj a hockey stick!

Knowing that we would be awoken before dawn with excitement, we gave him gifts tonight. He is in heaven. Sunglasses, golf shirts, a putter (that is a blog unto itself), and a mini putting green to use in his room.

Notice the shoes he is wearing with his cool outfit! (He is forever stealing my crocs)!
Also notice that in our house, you are never to young to learn!

Tyler, I love you with all my heart. You are a special young man who will do wonderful things in the lives of all the people you touch. Have a wonderful birthday Tyty!

Life Coaching... Life Changing!

I have to admit I was very scared about the idea of having a life coach. I thought it was kind of foo-foo and not something I could see as having a positive influence on me. Well once again, I shouldn't judge before I have given something a fair chance.
Now I must say that my doctor is truly gifted and knows when to push and when to let go. She believes in me and my ability to conquer my "soul misery" and live life fully.

I love that she is a strong Christian and yet very out of the box. Her methods are different then any thing I have tried and most have worked for me. The one I did not try ... was because I was a chicken. Sometimes I groan inwardly when she asks me to draw something... as I see it. I am not an artisitc person so that always freaks me out. Yet once I draw or even scribble my feelings on what ever she has asked me to, it makes perfect sense.

What I like about coaching is I have the feelings and answers with in me. She is just asking, prodding and coaxing them out of me. Sometimes she asks me something I never asked myself and then wonder why I have not questioned the most obvious things.

I like that she is not telling me how to feel or what to do. She asked me why I feel feel the way I do with many things especially in relation to my parents and middle brother. Usually the answer is always guilt or obligation.

She made me realize that I DON'T have to have any one in my life out of duty if their behavior is destructive or I feel unsafe. Rajiv is the middle child in our family. He has always been a corky child. Then after high school he began his journey down the wrong way. I am not sure if he could even help it. The things he chose to do and then brag about was always scary.

Normal people do not think to do such things... ever. And continuing to do things that are destructive is an illness. Yet it was/is never his fault. Weird how it took me SO MANY years of enabling him to realize we were not helping.

After a encounter with him in Tennessee last summer while my dad was supposedly dying, I left feeling very violated by him and scared. He had become my father in ever sense of the word. I left TN fearing for my safety and that of my children.

The law will not help unless something happened here. Threatening e-mails did not count. I refuse to live in fear any longer. No one has the right to lay a hand on me EVER AGAIN. So I had to make a choice.

My coach reassured me that no one who makes me feel unsafe has a right in my life. Brother or not. He has never been an easy person to like and love is a word that is too big to tackle. I have always helped or had him in my life because I felt sorry for him.

Yet there is help if he so chooses. He so often would say I am not going to take meds, God is going to help me. Or the issues always lay with everyone else.

No one has the right to make me feel unsafe. I have let go of my brother having an active part in my life. I say active because I can't help but think of him and pray for him. But he will never have a relationship with my children. No one has the right to hurt the innocent.

Coaching is helping me redefine what is acceptable. God is giving me the strength to live thru my resolutions. It is the hardest thing... to let go of family. It is so hard to break a cycle of what seemed normal and to realize what IS normal.

Good Morning...

It is 7:30 a.m. and Sanj is calling me. It is summer time, I don't need to get up! Oh yah, downstairs in our family room are a bunch of boys sprawled everywhere. Sammy is having a sleep-over. It is his birthday party a bit late. I need to run to the grocery store before Sanj leaves for work.

I get to the store just as it opens. It is so quiet and peaceful. All the items on the shelves look so neat and fresh. There are no line ups. There is hardly any noise.

I wish I was a morning person. I would get up while the sun is coming up. I would drink my coffee and inhale the silence.
I would shower in peace with no one banging on the door. Then I would make a great breakfast. Fresh banana muffins... the smell of eggs and bacon ... fresh cut fruit... everything laid out ready for my family.

I am sure I would have put a couple of loads of laundry away. My day would be off to a great start.

I am not a morning person. I tumble out of bed, annoyed at the bothersome voices bugging me for breakfast. My eyes were not made to open so abruptly. Is breakfast really necessary? The most important meal of the day? THAT fact was made by a morning person.

Cereal and milk... oh have a banana, too. Will that tie you over for a bit? PLEASE? I want to lay on the couch just a few more minutes. Josh is saying, "No, don't close your eyes!" My day has begun.

I wish there was a pill that I could take to function better in the morning. It seems the world is made for morning people. Why can't school start at 10 a.m.? Who started the 9-5 foolishness? To bad breakfast could not be at 10 o'clock at night.

I better get going as I have a bunch of extra mouths waiting for a yummy breakfast this morning.

9 Months Pregnant Again!

Gotcha! No I am not pregnant again! But lately I have been feeling like I have been carrying that extra 30 lbs around again.

Josh is CONSTANTLY on me. I am constantly being touched. I make dinner with 30lbs + attached to my leg. I go to bed with him touch my neck. He wants to be carried and held all the time. He is a very loving child. He is always ready to shower me with kisses or hugs.

I am ready to CUT THE CORD! Hum... preschool might just be a thought! I love him to death. I don't mind the constant attention or need for it 90% of the time. But that 10% is getting bothersome.

What do I do? He is regressing a bit. Suddenly he WANTS to be a baby. He actually asked for a baba again (a bottle).

Did I mention I love him so much?

Maybe the key is an extended vacation for myself! Actually that sounds like a great solution!

The Master Puppeteer

My mom called yesterday to tell me that my father is not eating or talking his medication. Basically he is on strike. He mentioned that when he came to visit me last year that I said " Dad, you are welcome here anytime." That is NOT something I would EVER say. It is not the truth. Being around my Dad or any form of contact requires me to prepare emotionally and physically.

It is a good thing that this last coaching session was spent on what boundaries I need and want in relationship to him. I realized that last summer when he was "on his death bed" I went to the intention of burying him. I had such a feeling of relief. It is not that I wish him dead in a murderous rage kind of way, but rather because I long for peace for my dad and myself.

When we had to make the decison to "pull the plug" as a family, the only one NOT crying was me. I wondered what was wrong with myself... I even tried for some fake tears but there was none. I only felt relief.

My dad suffers from mental illness. Peace will only come to him at death. I long for him to be whole in heaven. I long for a relationship with him that is not ruled by fear of any kind.

So my father is not eating. He complained that I do not call him. Obviously he does not see it as a two way street. On the times I did call him (my heart pounding the whole time), all he talked about was Rajiv ( my middle brother) and the path he is choosing and how worried he is for him.

Never once did he ask about the kids or their interests. Or far be it, anything about me. He does not know a thing about me or my life. This was his umpteen chance I gave him. His last chance. I am ready to accept that nothing will change. He can not love me as my father the way I need to be loved.

I have made the decisions I need to make. These are the steps to release me from the guilty of being a daughter. I have decided that I am not going to his funeral. There is nothing I will benefit from being there. I know (from our last trip) that their will be bunch of people singing my dad's praises. What a devoted man of the community he is, even received an award for the gardens he does in the neighborhood.

The police were his buddies, even the ones that came to deal with Rajiv, when he lost is mind. They even visited him in the hospital. His whole building was praying for him and his recovery. His church anointed him and prayed for healing.

Why would I want to be at the funeral with people talking about a man I never knew? I am not going to his funeral. My goodbyes have been said one too many times.

I needed to let my brother and mother know. I know my brother would understand. I am willing to help with the cost of cremating him. I just can not be there. My mom was surprising O.K. with it. (that is what she says).

My father is trying again to manipulate us. How many times has he told my mom if you leave or don't come back I will kill myself. Or I will drink cyanide. He is used to being the master puppeteer. He moves the strings the way he wants us to move.

When he dies, it is his time. Maybe it will be his choice or maybe it won't. He has lived a long life. Maybe that is all I can say about his life. He gave life to 3 children. His legacy will hopefully die with him. My brother Rajiv still has time to seek help and change.

My father is refusing to eat. I am refusing to to have my strings pulled anymore.

The Ex

Today for some reason I was thinking of this guy in university that I dated. I was thinking about my life and all the things I have always wanted since I was young. I have craved stability, happiness and peace since I was little. Yet I think the biggest thing I yearned for was love.

I am not sure I would say I would fall into love easily because I really only fell in love twice. Thankfully the second time was a charm.

This guy was someone I wanted to believe that I would spend the rest of my life with. I fought many obstacles just to be with him. Yet really, he was a loser. He let me walk away, twice.

I was devastated. I wanted, waited and prayed that he would see the error of his ways and beg me back. I BEGGED God! I begged that this would be His will.

I remember the broken heart I carried. I hated that I was so sad and he did not seem to care. When I read my journal over this time period it makes me a little sick. Sick from the pain and sick from the longing.

Then Sanj and I saw each other in a different light. I fell in love for real. Real love is reciprocated. My past relationship was so one sided. The desires of my heart were coming alive. I just knew, even back then, that life with Sanj was going to be good. It has not been easy because we have gone through many valleys. But we have gone thru them together and become stronger as a couple.

Back to thinking about the ex, I was imaging how different my life would have been if I had married him. I don't think he would have been a great provider of all the things I needed... stability, security and loving me the way I need to be loved. The scary thing is I was ready to settle for less with him simply because I wanted it to work.

O.K. here again is where God KNEW better than me and despite my begging and pleading He did not give in. Simply because He knew better especially since I did not want to admit how wrong this would be. God did hear my prayers... the important ones about a happy family, wanting to be loved, being a mom... all the big stuff and knew I just had to wait for the right "one" to come along.

One of my friends wrote in the comments... about how much we are like children and God our Father. He is so patient with my childish faith and behavior. I am humbled again at the plan that He has and His patience in dealing with my impatient nature of "Hurry up God..."

I am so glad that I waited. Really it was only a short bit and Sanj was in the picture the whole time. We just didn't know. Despite all of life's stresses, I have never been short on LOVE. I know I am always secure in our relationship. And together we work at continuing to secure the future for ourselves and the boys.

Another prayer answered. I continue to pray that God guards our marriage and our love. I pray that it does grow each year we are together. I have so many adventures and wishes I want to have in the future. I can't imagine a better person doing it with then the one who holds my heart.

Baby of the family!

Josh is 3 and a bit. Lately I have found myself referring to him as the baby... OK he is not a baby. He is 3 years old, 35 pounds and gives Zach competition for his clothes. So I am wondering is he always going to be a baby? Will he be treated younger because he is my "baby?"

Then I see other people with their "baby" and think... "OK that child is too old to be having his food cut up or whatever." I hear people saying "My baby is 58 years old."

The boys continue to treat him like a baby which of means giving in to him or his obnoxious behavior. I keep thinking once he is 4 years old it will be different. Will it? I wonder if I will be in his JK class helping him hang up his coat, put his indoor shoes on, etc.

I have never been here before. I always knew I would have another baby. Now another baby would put me in the looney bin at the hospital.

Josh is the baby. Or is he?

Mom... Today I feel...

My son Tyler is a passionate child. I guess another word is obsessive child. Since the age of 2 years old I can remember his obsessions clearly... as do others. First there was the love for elephants, then triceratops, then tools... tools continued for a while.

He loved green and at one point verbalized wishing he was a different skin color. Of course I was stressed wondering how I was going to explain that all of us are made different by God. Dreading the answer, I asked him what color he wished he was... fully expecting him to say white. "I wish I could be green!" was his reply!

Then came the love for football, hockey and golf. Golf, I do believe is higher on the list. So he spends much of his day at the course. Last year he would sign up for tournaments at different clubs yet the morning of .... he would be sick or call home with a golf injury.

Last night he was up most of the night. He came and said he was sick. Then at some ungodly hour asked if he could take a shower. It was about 4 a.m. I said to do whatever he needed to feel better. As daylight came, he was pretty sure he was getting a fever.

Well this was all related to the tournament today that HE had signed up. It was at a course that he had not played at and there was only a couple of kids from his club going. I called Sanj to let him know what was going on. Sanj told me to let him know he can stay home if that is what he needed to do.

On the ride there I was explaining to him that is naturally for him to be nervous. That is why his stomach hurt and he felt sick. I said, "It is o.k. for you to say that you are scared." We had to stop at our golf club to pick something up. Tyler went in and came back a different person. Curtis, the pro for the Juniors, was going. Tyler loves him.

It was all O.K. Sanj asked him later tonight if he was nervous today. He finally said yes. Sanj also told him he gets nervous too.

I want so badly for him to learn that it is O.K. to be anxious. This is part of who he is. Yet it would be wonderful for him to understand and recognize the feelings and be able to verbalize it. Then we can learn together strategies to make it through the moment or day.

I never want him to view it as a weakness. I think it is a characteristic that makes him more understanding and empathic towards others. It would be great to be able to say "I am scared" without feeling vulnerable.

I felt today we made a baby step. There will soon be another tournament or hockey camp will be here. I hope that today is a step in the direction of understanding the feelings and soon being able to call it by its name. How great it would be if I didn't have to guess whether a fever is really coming... do I give him an Advil?

Home Sweet Home!

September 15th this will be our home! I am so excited I can't wait! It has so much of what I want in a home. My doctor/life coach told me to make of list of all the things I want in a house. Then visualize it and then ask God for it.

I have to be honest... I thought "OK I did see an Oprah show on visualizing your dreams etc and putting it out there with positive energies. I am not sure this is going to work for me." Of course, then my doctor made me write the list right there. Here is some of my list:

6 bedrooms
open basement (preferably unfinished)
acreage
15 minutes or less to school
under a certain $ amount
bright... lots of windows
flat piece of land for a rink
big kitchen
modern
i didn't have a wrap around porch on my list.... but have always wanted one...
family room to be off the kitchen (our house now the kitchen is off and away from the rest of the house).

This house has 4 bedrooms upstairs... 2 in the basement that need to be finished as well as a very open (with windows) basement! It is on 4 and a half acres with place for a rink as well as back woods for ATVs etc. It is 15 minutes to town and full of light and windows. Yes, there is a beautiful wrap around porch. Do you know how i know this house is for us... the bathroom has a LAUNDRY SHOOT!!! (you know my laundry issues)! The kitchen isn't huge but there is a pantry closed off the kitchen. OH... and the garage... my VAN can fit !!! It has an oversize door! There is an office/hide out for Sanj for his music and studies.

I am so thankful for a God in control of it all. I am so thankful for blessings and yes even the trials. I am thankful for the prayers of friends and family. I am thankful.

Now... let the packing begin!

Labels

My first three sons are totally opposites of each other. I can't imagine life without them yet life with them is challenging to say the least. Back in my day as a child I think that children were labeled good or bad. Smart or in the turtle reading group. I am not sure there was the need to label children or "fix them." I think that we were just loved and accepted as we were. Maybe our parents did not have all the resources we do now.

I am sure as a child I would have been labeled ADHD, with dyslexia and other learning challenges. I am sure I was labeled to some degree. I was in the resource room for reading (which made my undiagnosed dyslexia make sense). My teacher had a ruler and he would smack our knuckles when we got some answer wrong or were not following along (ADHA).

Erk! As I have watched the teachers in the Resource Room at the boys school, thank God times have changed.

There are many different kinds of children in the school. If I were to label some of the kids I know terms I did not when I was a child. They were just kids being bad. Now I have learned of children that have Asberger's Syndrome, or a child that has dyspraxia, or suffers from childhood bipolar or someone who is ADHD. Children today have the advantage of too much information and yet not enough.

I think labeling a disorder is great. It allows for understanding and educating. It hopefully prevents unfair labels and hopefully gives some peace to a parent to help them know and learn what their child is living with.

Maybe when I was little there really were no bad kids... just misunderstood. I have learned so much seeing some of my friends learn to love the child despite the disorder. I have learned not to be so quick to judge a parent that is unable to manage their child. I have learned to support rather than criticize. I have learned to educate my self and my children. To teach acceptance and tolerance.

Robin is a young lady that was born with Down's Syndrome. She was a teacher's helper in our grade 1 class. The first 4 of my children had Robin in their class. They just loved her and accepted her. I love that they did not care or notice any differences.

They have learned this in their classrooms too. Each of them are different. Some may be louder, some more physical, some taller, some great hockey players, some pranksters... they are all different.

They seem to learn to notice differences when taught or watching it. Usually they wouldn't describe someone by their skin color but rather a feature or clothing. "Did you see that man with the mullet?" Did you see that lady in the purple shirt?"

I love it. I love the lesson they teach me everyday. Sammy is ADHD... Tyler is obsessive compulsive and has anxiety issues, Jordan is ODD... I want to badly not be careful not to label them but rather love them and just accept them.

It has also taught me so much about the love of a parent. I am left humbled by the endless research, resources, patience and love I see around me. One mom said," no I don't wish my son did not have _________ because he would not be him then."

What a great statement. That is what love is all about... loving the good, bad and ugly.

I Love You, Mom!

I am in the kitchen working on supper. Jordan is with me, putting away the groceries. I am sure I have written about his "love language" for lack of a better word. He is not the most demonstrative of his affections in the normal sense. Of course normal is relative.

Jordan went to the basement to put something in the freezer. He comes back to the kitchen and right to me and gives me a real hug and says, " Mommy, I love you." My heart stops a full second and my mind races... wow... all my patience has finally broken through!

Then the next second I feel ice slithering down my back. Laughter that only Jordan can bellow out follows.

Hum... I love you too, Jordan... very much.

Trusting 101

After a period of lows for me personally, my mountains of faith turned into a mustard seed. Apparently, that is all you need. Yet for me it was a horrible feeling to not have faith simply carry me. I was having a temper tantrum with God. My relationship with Him is so childish I am embarrassed sometimes. I am so glad that He is patience and long suffering.

I have found it so easy to pray for others and even believe that He will come thru with huge miracles. Yet as grateful as I am for these answered prayers, I have realized that I never really gave God credit for those answered prayers. Maybe because they did not affect me directly.

A friend of mine was on death's door literally many times this last year. I remember crying all night at the thought of her death, begging God to heal her. Her ministry was so special I could not imagine my world with out her. I could not image the pain the family would suffer.

Well, she is alive and well. It really is a miracle. While I was so thankful to God for this miracle I didn't see the full picture. This was one of MY prayers being answered. There were hundreds of prayers for her... but one of those was mine and it was answered.

I have not been giving God credit for all the things I have prayed for that He has answered. Maybe because it is not me directly or a prayer that is a big one to me.

But as I sit back and think of people in my life I pray for, I HAVE to be so thankful for the prayers He continues to answer.
I am so ungrateful and childish.

So with our house experience I was determined to simply let it be. I told God I know and He knows our wants and needs. I am leaving this in His will and hands.

There have been many ups and down in the last three months. But with each disappointment there is eventually understanding. I have felt such peace in place of stress and angst. When I am getting too excited... I just have said... "OK God, this is all You."

We sold our house within in two months (even though it really did feel like a whole year)! And we got a great price. I have been able to have peace about being homeless. I have been able to get back to Trusting 101. It feels so good. I am trying so hard not to read things that aren't there. This is one of my biggest flaws... looking for signs everywhere.

I want to HEAR God clearly. My huge disappointments of past were of my own creations. Yet I still could not help being so anger at God. I am learning to LISTEN and simply be. I am learning that answers will come if I am patient. I am learning.

It just takes the faith of a mustard seed... then letting it slowing grow, being patient. God is teaching my patience. I never asked that of Him... I hate the lessons in patience. Obviously He seem to think I need to grow in that area. I am coming along.

Lord, thank you for the MANY prayers you have answered that I never thanked you for. Thank you for being so patient. Thank you for not giving up on me.

Size DOES matter!

A family of 8 does not have many choices of what vehicles they can drive. Yes, there are vehicles with 8 seats... such as Sanj's SUV that we all ride in occasionally. But sometime during the drive we remember WHY we have a 12 passenger van... to spread them apart. When they are seated so they can reach out and touch someone... only no good comes!

My 12 passenger GM Express... which I prayed for ... is a sore point with me. First of all, it is a piece of crap! From the first day we had issues with it and those issues only continued to grow. I am not sure if I can say I hate my van but it is a pretty close emotion.
Then there is the endless issue of the gas prices. Have mercy! We have our Suburban which is just there in the driveway because it is over 300,000 km on it and paid off. When the roads are bad in the winter and my van isn't going to make it, I take the Surburban. A couple of months ago I decided to take it for the day and fill it up because it was on empty.

Well as I paid the bill... $175 later I almost had a heart attack. Sanj said, "why did you do that?" I had no idea. It was full service and was not paying attention. That was months ago with prices quite a bit "lower."

My van is lucky it gets filled up $100 at a time. I am lucky if that gets me a little over half a tank!

So my van is a blessing and a curse. Size matters. Lately I have been eying these little cars. I really like this Saab and lime green is one of my favorite colors. Enough room for myself and some shopping bags. Oh Yeah! Well there are 4 seats so technically Josh could come along while the others are in school. Hum...

Envy... the green eyed monster. Once a luxury now seems like it may be a necessity with the way the price of gas is going!

Yellow Car!

I have been spending lots of time in the van, driving the boys to their various destinations.

A game they play is "Yellow Car"... is this a real game? The object is to see a yellow car and call out "YELLOW CAR" before the other sibling claim credit to it. A yellow punch buggy counts as 2 points.

Now this is the part I am sure they made up... after accumulating 10 points, you can punch someone 10 times or let your points add up and use them later. Hum...

So I have joined in playing the game. Apparently I am pretty good! :P I have 11 points or so in one day! How do I pick who is the lucky one to get punched?

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe?

Bloggers Withdrawl

I have loved writing everyday on my blog. Sometimes it is therapy and other times it is a source of relaxing.

Summer is here and I find myself in constant search for moments to just sit without interruption. It is not happening too often. The boys are everywhere. It is a constant game of hide and seek. Someone is always trying to find me whether I am in the kitchen, laundry, bathroom or bed. Someone is always IT.

I am going through blogger's withdrawal. Oh oh... I can hear Zach asking Josh... "Where is mommy?"

Happy Anniversary!

Today is our 14th wedding anniversary! Sanj and I have been together 5110 days (give or take a few)! WOW... it is a good thing that I can say I love him more now than 14 years ago. He has grown on me! He is a man full of passion, love and beliefs. Some of his beliefs are different from mine but he has learned to understand that I am always right! :)

We have kind of grown up together in so many ways. We have had many fights but learned that loving each other is better than always being right. We have learned when to be quiet and what is worth standing up for.

We are a united front to our kids, though they know whom to work and when.

Despite our many differences, we have learned to appreciate that our differences combine to make us stronger a whole.

Sanj is all I have dreamed of in my little girl dreams of my prince. I love him and cherish the times we share together or apart.

I have promised him another 5000+ days and then I will take inventory on his qualities again. I am sure though that we will have many more 5000 day periods.

Mom... I need a ride, please!

It is 7:30 p.m. and we have just put pajamas on, ready to watch a movie with the boys and veg out. It was a full day at the zoo and hot to boot. I am just ready to lean my head on one of the boys shoulders and relax. Then the phone rings... a neighbour wants to know if Sammy want to go to the arcade down the street...

We don't want him to go alone since he will be getting a ride back. He just needs a ride there.

I learned to drive when I was 16 years old. While it was great to have some freedom, it was also a nescessate because my dad was the only driver. (My mom did not get her licease till she was 50+). So it was great for my parents to have another driver around. You know how it is... when you first get your licease, you are willing to drive anywhere. "Oh you need milk? I'll go!"

Well the weird thing was I was not allowed to go ANYWHERE unless my younger brother came along. How dumb... was he going to save me in case of an emergency? NO! But I had to take Rajiv along wherever I had to go. He loved that sense of power.

Then came the Saturday night events at school that I would want to go. Yet the answer was "only if Rajiv is going too." How weird and crazy. It was so infrueating. I was already a nerd. Then I had to take my nerdy brother with me too? GRRR....

Then there was the "you can go if you get a ride." First of all, we lived in the boonies... in a part of town not too many people lived. Second of all, I never really wanted others to come to our house. You never knew what could happen. So... getting a ride was not an option.

I remember that frustration so clearly. Maybe my parents were tired. Or maybe it was an other way to keep a tight control over my life.

Sanj had the look of "I really don't want to go out now." Sammy had the look of ... "please?" I got off my butt, drive the 2 minutes it took to drop him off. We both feel good.