The Other Side of the Fence

Today I finished a book about this married lady who had an affair.  It was a bad book.  I hated that I needed to finish it but in the end I felt like I had wasted my time.

It is the typical story of a lady who has it all, cute, loving hubby, 4 kids, lovely house and even a nanny.  She was an artist, so she had time to release her creative energy.  As in many a marriage, she lost herself.  She worked, cooked, cleaned, passed all her energy onto her kids and husband and yet at the end of the day, felt lost and taken for granted.  Who was looking out for her needs?  Her husband wanted/needed sex 4-5 times a week.  Maybe he thought because he was being sated, his love language being met, so was hers.

She is then asked to be part of this committee and you know how novels are... sparks fly and boom... the affair begins.  Yet this book ended with her not being fulfilled in the affair either.  She "loved" but couldn't have nor could she leave the life she had either.

The grass was not greener on the other side.  As I read this book, I felt like we have such unreal expectations of marriage.  Books and movies make the happily ever after seem as if there are not periods of discontentment, irritation and maybe even hate.  It doesn't tell you that kids come and you will lose yourself.  If you are lucky, you will find what it takes to go from honeymooners to partners in life... still loving each other but it is different.   When I say different, you or your mate are not first.  If a kid is vomiting, your romantic dinner is put on hold.  Different is OK.  Different is good.

We age and our needs and wants change.  What am I saying?  I think that if we expect the changes that come with marriage, babies and age maybe we wouldn't be so unhappy.  Maybe if books, movies and people in general talked about the ups and DOWNS truthfully, we would know we are a norm and not wonder what is wrong with us.  Would this help divorce rates a bit?


I dunno.  I just think that as I talk to my friends, as we make light of matters that are really bothering us or hurtful... maybe we wouldn't feel so alone if we knew its ok... if we knew everybody goes through the rough stuff.  Maybe sometimes you have to settle for some dissatisfaction.  Sometimes you have to weigh it out... and hopefully the good, the tolerable and happy outweigh the bad, the really bad.


I don't know.  My parents marriage is not a role model.  I don't have a guide book to look at.  I do know that if I am happier and unhappy... it is a good thing and I am grateful to have a husband that makes me happy... that can ignore my moodiness and know when to walk away when he has made me very mad.


The point is... I found the book dumb... but it made me think.  Really think.  If you are unhappy, work on the problem.  Looking on the other side of the fence may just look better.. but isn't likely the answer.


I am not sure this even makes sense.

Raising Boys...

Raising Boys... being a girl I feel as if I missed out on the handbook.  They are so different in so many ways and yet so alike.  Already I see the whole Men are from Mars coming out ... and this isn't a bad thing, of course, just different, especially when I am from Venus.

I bought and read much of Dr. James Dobson's book, Raising Boys, a while ago, actually years ago.  Much of what I read back then, I found old fashion and almost sexist.  I remember thinking his comment about girls shouldn't call the boys a bit ridiculous.


I know many read books on raising children as authority on this but as I read it, I really believe that God has given each of us the sense and wisdom to raise our children.  I hate the  too many people rely on "doctors of ..."  to parent their children.  It is great to read others experiences and thoughts but it is so important to listen to your heart as you parent  your babes.  Just a personal opinion.

As said, I read this book years ago, when my boys were little ones, interested in their cars, mud and bugs.  I was not even in the vicinity of dating, girls and what may be proper.  I have said before, Sanj and I were both shy and cautious when it came to dating and acting on feelings for someone special.  We were both older, definitely older than our boys.

Tyler having a girlfriend came as a shock ... I don't think we really laid out rules for that even.  Of course I know.. if they like each other, one can not stop that but... rules such as you are too young to have a girlfriend... you can only go out as groups of friends... you know what I am talking about... right?  So, when I heard that my sweet little Tyler had a "girlfriend" that was quite the shock.  I think my heart actually stopped beating a sec.

Sammy has an abundance of girl friends.  They love him.  If you read his Facebook page, he is every girl's bestie, it seems.  

Living out in the country seemed to isolate them from having neighbours to play with.  On one side is a, I am assuming, nice older couple as we never really see or hear them.  On the other side, was a grandpa with a daughter and couple of grandkids that seemed to visit occasionally.  The boys were kind of stuck to having each other to play with.  At times I felt bad that we were not in a subdivision for them to enjoy neighbours.  

Not to long ago, the grandpa on the one side sold his place to his daughter who moved in with her boyfriend and 15 year girl and the boyfriend has a 7 year old son.  Kids... next door... yah!???

The girl is very pretty. Thoughts went through my head.  I told those thoughts to be quiet.  Over the months, this girl and her friends have befriended Sammy.  They invite him to campfires etc.  They invited him to go swimming at a friend's house down the road.  

After the swim, they all walked over here... they wanted to know if they could come in and see the house.  Is that weird?  I didn't know.  So they came in, hung out for a bit and whatever.

Sanj told me that they hung out, the bunch of them while we were gone around the yard etc.  One night Sammy invited these friends and a few others for a bonfire.  I thought how cool of Sanj... he bought pop and what not for them. 

Sanj said that the neighbour girl's boyfriend came over and they were all over each other.  Disturbing.  The night I got home, the door bell rand at 10:30 pm... our lights were pretty much off in the house as most of the boys were in bed.  The girls wanted to hang out.  

This was new territory.  Ok.. till 11 pm, we told him and we would have to lay some ground rules, after this.  The girls were loud, not considerate that others were sleeping and quite frankly, obnoxious.

I was a little distressed that these girls were wandering at 11 p.m. at night, their parents had not idea where they were and Sammy's answer was "There parents don't care."

Exactly.  At 15 years old, freedom and parents that don't seem to care is cool and the a coveted response.   At 40+, my response was a little sadness and panic.

Suddenly the words of Dobson came back to me about girls that are too forward.  Am I an old fuddy duddy?  I just think that making out in public at 15 is so distasteful.  Well, doing that in public at any age is kinda crass.

My kids are sheltered to some degree.  The school they go to, is a place where everyone know each other.  If you don't know someone, you can just ask someone about them.  High School... it is a whole new story, sure.  I don't know all of Sammy's friends but for the most part, they are all the same sort of kid.  They may use a bad word in the efforts of trying to be cool but for the most part, they are good kids.


I worry about the forwardness of these kids.  Yet, when I watch their models, it is almost a no wonder.


I guess there is a line between equality, modernness and all out forwardness with a touch of sluttiness.


I hope that my boys can hold of becoming involved in serious relationships till they are done high school.  I think that intensity in high school comes with pain and so much hurt (usually).  


So, I was thinking of all the things I fear for my babes, drugs, sex, violence, being kidnapped, hurt... and now I add GIRLS to that list.  Scary girls!  Yikes! Sigh!

900th Blog

As I have been writing, I have been eying the number blog I am on.  I kept seeing 889... and seem to be stuck forever to get to 900!  This is my 900th blog!  Yah me.  Of course this is a huge accomplishment for me simply to stay on task with a particular thing.  Every time I have a lull in my blog, Sanj begins to nag.  "You haven't blogged in two days... what's going on?"

This is something I have managed to find enjoyment and fulfilment in.

So I have set myself a goal... Yikes... Yes, I am writing it down...

By the time I reach my 1000th blog post... I will have written my book... whatever that takes shape as.

I have a thing for numbers.  900... that is a lot of writing!  

I am proud of me.  

This makes me smile.

Yah me!

900 blog posts!

Spiraling...

I am falling... I can feel it.  The first question Sanj will ask is "are you taking your little white pill?"  Truth?  No, I haven't.  I didn't take it the last few days.  Why?  Well, once in the cabin, I didn't have water or the energy to dig it out of my suitcase.  Then coming home, I was too lazy to get it out of the van.  OK... I got it.  I have to put it in my mouth tonight.  I know.

Really though, it can't just be about my little pill.  I feel so out of control of so many things.  I hate that if I am feeling down, my thought goes to "is my med not working?"  Maybe life just sucks at the moment.  Maybe there is so much overwhelming me right now.  Maybe I just feel so much like I am drowning and there isn't much around to grab on to.

I miss my peeps.  I like that word.  I know, Max, I am too old to use it, right? lol I don't care.  Peeps.  Yet at times I wonder who are my peeps?  Where are they?  Why do I feel so alone so much of the time?

I am feeling my age.  What that means is I really miss being "young" and worry about getting older.  I miss my youth.  I wish that I had confidence and believed in me back than.    I am a 40+ and feel like getting older is a bit frightening.  I do know that age is just a number and it is all about the mind.  Yet, I am feeling the process of aging a bit frightening.

Then there is the God thing.  I miss feeling so connected to Him.  When I was younger, it was so easy.  I always felt Him there.  We were so connected.  It was easy maybe because it was just me... me and God.

Now there is a husband, a bunch of kiddies, life that is all consuming.  I talk to God all the time... but I wonder if He hears my chatter as whining.  I need to get back to the basics.  I need to find that Me and Him...  it's like my pill... I just need to do it.

I felt a mix of confusion this weekend.  Going back to Indian camp made to go back to my roots.  No, not just my Indian heritage, although that was nice to do so, but it was going back to the Adventist church.  It is always such a familiar place to go.  It is like going home for a visit.  There is comfort in familiarity.

Does that makes any sense?  I always feel a little torn... as I wish my kids had that culture... of Adventism... vespers, all the lingo.  Yet I know that where we are does not make this possible.  If we lived for example, near a functional church that fulfilled us as a family, it wouldn't be a question for me.  Yet, we have been there.  There is not church near us that feeds us or allows us to be as we should be.  Guess there is always judgement, in this kind of a decision.

My girlfriend asked me a little bit ago... "Do you still consider yourself an Adventist?"  I don't know what that means anymore.  My biggest struggle is the Sabbath.  I do believe that it is the seventh day.  That has never changed for me.  The rest... I don't think that doctrines will keep one out of heaven.  I want my boys to first and foremost have a real relationship with God, Jesus.  I want them to have a real relationship based on love.  I don't want my kids to constantly be worried about their "works."

Sigh.  I guess the other thing that goes with that question is ... where would that leave our friendship is I said... no I guess we weren't SDA anymore?  Sad, eh?  Yet, I know that most of our SDA friends seemed to disappear when we decided to do what works best for our family.  Many never even asked the questions... just did what I am sure I did many a time years ago... assumed that we were lost.


I guess maybe I am selling my friend short.  I hope I am.  I guess I just wish for all the simpleness of once a upon a time.  I can't help but second guess all these choices.  


I need to find my one to one with my best friend... again.  I am never alone, I know that.  Yet I wish that He could send me a letter, personalized to me... yes, I know... that is what we are to find in the Bible... but just once ... I wish God could send me an email.  :)  Wouldn't that be great?


I am dreading school starting.  I know, I am jumping topics... but this is all about me, isn't it!
This year some very special friends will not be a Rhema anymore.  I am so sad about that.  I can't imagine how it is going to be.  I feel like running away... though that reality is that I know life will go on.  I know our school is God's school.  Yet... knowing all this, I am sad.  It will be so different.


I feel all these things weighing me down...   I feel the weight of others burdens too.  I wish that money was free flowing.  So much in this earth is weighed down by the lack of money.  That is so frustrating.   I saw a woman putting back stuff today, counting change to pay for her purchases.  As I offered to cover her funds she was short, she was embarrassed.  "I thought I had a $20 in here."  Money, friendships, God, religion, relationships... sigh.

One LIttle, Two Little, Six Little Indians...

Home Again!  We were off for 10 days... Maryland and then off to Pennsylvania.  We went to Indian Camp.  What is Indian Camp?  In Maryland, where there is an abundance of Indians, they have their own Adventist church.  They rent a camp and for 4 days have a retreat of sorts.

It was a little intimidating going.  The only people we knew was my brother and family.  I had a lot of reservations... and yet at the same time felt like this was going to be a learning experience for the boys.

Sanj and I both grew up in places where we were minorities.  Weird how this is what my children are experiencing to.  Not a conscious decision, of course, just how things have worked out.  I believe that God brought us to Peterborough.  So I trust in His plan.

Being with others that are just like you is a great thing.  The boys enjoyed the luxury of Indian cuisine for every meal, with the option of the kid friendly American comfort foods.  It was yummy.  Someone was cooking constantly, it seemed.

The boys learned about IST which is for Indian Standard Time.  Time kind of takes on its own life with Indians.  Supper was never before 7:30 pm.  Everything usually was at least an hour later and this was just a given.

Everyone is an Auntie or Uncle.  This was weird to the boys at first but soon they saw the logic.  Everyone is family... it is the tie that binds.  You never need to worry... there is always someone willing to be "family."

One of the funny things that came out of their mouths ... "Mommy, everyone here is Indian but not one has a red dot on their head."

I learned that some of the eccentricness my father was cultural.  It was funny to see many other "uncles" singing and being as obnoxious as my dad would be up front.  Everyone wants to be a pastor, it seems.  lol

The boys had a good time.  I was proud of them.  It's hard being in a totally different environment without knowing anyone.  By the end of the weekend, they were ready to come back again next year.


As the boys getting older, they are learning more about their heritage and things that make them unique.  I love watching this and appreciate the eager steps that they take to embrace their history.

Reality of Life...

Back to the realities of life again.  It doesn't take more than a few seconds to forget that I was ever in vacation mode.  For me, a vacation is not having to cook, clean or do laundry.  Being off with the boys is busy as usual.  Life with them is busy.

I am feeling a bit panicked that school begins in a few more weeks.  I think that this summer was the faster yet.  I have not yet recovered from the grime of the school year, lunches, homework, this and that.  I miss seeing my friends but I am not missing much else.

So much is going through my mind.  I have so much I worry about.  Sanj thinks that because he doesn't hear me verbalize my woes or concerns, it doesn't bother me.  WRONG.

I am needing a fairy god-mother right about now.  I am feeling the panic of things eating me whole.  School hasn't even started yet.  Breathe.  In and Out.

It is a hot one today.  I am feeling tired.  I am back with my oldest for less than 24 hours and already we are combative.  I wish him 6 daughters.  Yup, I do.

I still have kids that are sick.  I wish they would all just get the bug and be done.  Yet it is taking its time, one kid at a time.  Max is sleeping with a fever.  Josh has a major disgusting runny nose which is oozing green stuff out. Ugh.  

I hate having sickies.  I really hope my mom doesn't get it.  She was in the same room with all of us and usually picks up the littlest bug... and then has a really hard time shaking it off.

I am just writing to write.  I have lots to say yet don't feel like I know how to verbalize it.  

I was thinking of how some people are stuck up.  How some people feel like they are superior to others.  What gives them that idea?  I am astonished at how someone can walk around with their nose turned up.  I hope flies go up there.  I met someone like this.  She really bothered me.  Rude.  Harsh.  Her husband was very sweet.  Poor man.

I also was fascinated with the world of working moms.  In Peterborough, working moms or not, family and children come first, for most.  In the bigger cities, where it seem that everyone is trying to keep up with the Jones and Smiths, people seem to actually have children because it is the thing to do.  Or maybe because the Jones have 2.5 kids, they need to.  Weird.  I think that some people look down on a SAHM.  What I think is that looking down is because they can't do it.  Not that can't do it financially, that is not what this is about.  They can't do it... as in they can't handle it.  No one judges you for being a career, why judge someone else who chooses a different path?

I got an email telling me that my nemesis is on a committee with me.  I am not sure I can do it.  I can get along with most people.  I don't think that I can keep my sanity with a person that follows the book to the letter when it isn't necessary.  I don't think that I can work with some that has all the "right" opinions and yet does not get their hands dirty.  This person has be the bane  of my existence as she has made so many people I care about miserable.

Is it a cop-out to quit?  It isn't a committee my heart is is.  I could just help as needed.  Does that sound pathetic? Sanj thinks I should just say I can't work with this person.  Me or them.  I don't consider myself indispensable... so I know it will go one with or without me.  What to do?

I sound like I am in a downer of a mood, don't I?  Hum, wonder if I am?

A Day in DC...

Today was one of those days that so much happened that I want to blog just to have the memory for the boys!  It was our day in DC... I was not really looking forward to it as it was very hot, I have all ready been to the Smithsonian and it it the kind of event that makes me a little stressed just about safety, not losing anyone, that kind of thing.

A big thank you to my brother for taking on the role of tour guide and did a fine job.  I was impressed with his knowledge of all things DC, history and politics.

First we went to the Metro Station and took the train.  This in it self was an adventure and fun the boys.  Josh found the poles fascinating  and occupied himself with that.

After taking the red line and then the blue line, Metro lingo... we headed down to the Museum of Natural History.   We had not been here in a very long time.  I think Zach was a baby when we came years ago.

The boys saw the movie "The Night of the Museum"  and so Josh was freaked out through half of the walk through, thinking that the things were going to come alive!  Of course his brothers had great fun feeding his fear! lol

It was fun to see the expressions on my babes faces as they saw things that one does not normally see.

 

Being caught in this scary creature's jaw!

We had lunch there where six pieces of pizza and a glass of pop cost $62.

Ouch!

Then we were off to the Capital Building...

We stopped to cool down with some ice cream treats and then took a "rickshaw" pulled by a young person on a bike to get us to our destination!  This part was a little adventure and lots of fun.

The Capital Building is an impressive sight.  The boys were quite taken with the two police we saw that had some sort of machine guns in their possession.

We went in to check out the new visitors center.  The kids and adults were all troopers.  We were tired, a few of the kids weren't feeling well and we had to walk alot.

As we walked to the rear of the building, my brother notices a Senator.  As the Senator comes our way, my brother went up and asked if he would pose with us for a picture.

I have to admit, I had no idea who he was.  Senator Chris Dodd, of Connecticut was very friendly and charming.  He came to each of the boys, shook their hands (he has a very firm hand shake) asked their name and chatted.  He did not seem in  hurry and was delightful.  It was very exciting.

Upon checking out his site, I learned that he is a fighter and champion for children's issues.  His website even has a kid friendly page that kids can learn about the Congress and his issues.  Very neat!

Last but not least was the inside of the Capital building.  We were lucky enough to catch one of the last tours... not too exciting.  Then, we were able to secure the lucky tickets (due to the fact that we were international visitors) to get a peek into the Senate in action. 

Phew!  Tired, hot and yet a very full and busy day!  Back to the Metro, experienced a bit of rush hour... and that was the end of a day in DC.

Special thanks to Uncle Kumar for all the adventures due to his DIxit personality!  :)