Happy Canada Day!

Today is Canada Day! It was a beautifully hot day that we spent at the Toronto Zoo. Josh was delighted to see the animals in the African Pavillian. His favorites were the elephants and hippos. The older boys were not so thrilled to be there but perked up when the ice cream came to cool them off.

It was a good day to appreciate our country and all the freedoms that we take for granted every day.

Soul Misery (Part II)

I haven't blogged about this yet because I really wanted and need to think about it. I have been praying for God to help me come to terms with all the questions in my heart. As I said before, my mom was here. I have been asking her questions about my dad, his early years, the earlier years of their marriage, just life in general with him.

He is my father and there is a natural desire or yearning for love and connection with him. I have felt that hole of not having a father/daughter relationship for most of my adult life. I have really struggled with the questions of "Was his mental illness the reason for his craziness?"' Or "Was he just evil?"

So much has happened. I will turn 40 years old this September... almost 40 years of questions, longing, disappointment and hurt. I am not sure I can just say "Yes, he is mentally ill," and let it be. I don't believe that to be the 100% truth. I have to state the truth that lies in the deepest corners of my heart. My father was a very mean man. A person that took pleasure inflicting pain, in causing fear in helpless beings that he was given to love. He is a narassit. I know that is a disorder in itself yet I do not think it is an excuse.

The things he has done over his life time and this is not the physical abuse but rather emotional and pschcological is unforgiveable. (Unless he asked for forgiveness). He would choose to do hurtful things and gain pleasure out of it. He would systematically break down the self esteem of the ones he was suppose to love in order to prop himself up higher.

These are things that I have chosen to make excuses about yet can not any more. I have to face the truth. My father can never love me the way I need to be loved. I will only continue to face disappointment if I continue to look for that love that is not available.

WoW. I realize that as much as I have been gripping about my crappy childhood, begrudging that lack of a fatherly relationship that I have missed the biggest blessing. I have missed the fact that I was saved. I could have inherited that trait of becoming a narristtist too!

My middle brother is so much like my father, it is scary. He is and has always been my father's clone. Many of these things are simply bad choices. Yet regardless, he is going down a very similar path.

I need to be grateful for the life I have and the blessing that are there. Blessings, I am realizing are also hurts. Hurts that have made me the person I am today. Learning to go through pain, feel the hurt, work out the confusion, regardless of HOW MANY years that takes, makes you grow. Finding what to do with the growth is also moving on and part of healing.

Acknowledging that my father will never be what I yearn for is a huge step for me. I have always made excuses for him. I have even pushed him away, trying to forget him, to give him that space to hopefully miss me and want a relationship. It isn't going to happen. I realize that God is looking out for him. He is fed, clothed and has a place to live. God has it covered and so I do not need to worry. This is something I can't fix. I have to let go.

My father is a very mean man. He is a very selfish and self-centered man. He was given a second chance at life, literally last summer and has chosen to continue to be the person he is. He did not make anything of the chances he had to renew relationships with me or his grandchildren.

Maybe that is part of the sickness. Maybe that is just him. I am ready to let go. I am ready to be grateful that his contribution was having a part in my being. I am grateful for the qualities that he contributed to me as a person. I am grateful. But I am tired of hoping and wanting. I am ready to let go. I am ready to be grateful for that which is in my life... all the love, affection, and happiness. I am tired of wanting. I am grateful that I am not him. I am thankful for the powers I have been given to seek help when it is needed. To understand that I need to make changes in me also. That is part of growing and healing. That is part... a huge part of break a vicious cycle.

Soul Misery... it is the worst kind of misery. But thankfully you can chose to not dwell in it. You can chose to remove misery from your life. It is a process... I am still figuring it out. It is work. But I do believe it can be done. I want to be Soul- full.


A definition of a narcissist:
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following[1]:
*has a grandiose sense of self-importance
*is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
*believes that he or she is "special" and unique
*requires excessive admiration
*has a sense of entitlement
*is interpersonally exploitative
*lacks empathy
*is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
*shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Boys just being boys!

We went to a creek in Port Hope (where Sanj does a clinic on Wenesdays). We eat lunch and then the boys just played. I loved watching them. There are only 5 of the boys here. Jordan was at a friend's playing.

The boys caught many crayfish and minnows. We also came back with a LOT of mosquito bites! It was a great summer day!

Hear Ye ... Hair E

This child of mine hates haircuts. Yet his hair only grows upward!
Thank God for shears!

Sorry... It's SOLD!!!

After 2 months... our house is SOLD!!! I have never been more relieved. I am not going to miss that panic feeling of knowing I have to get the house ready for a showing. I will not miss having strangers walking through our house... maybe judging or just being nosey. I will not miss wondering if there really is a sucker for every house.

I am thankful for our friend and agent for his diligence and hard work. Now let's go shopping! House shopping with the cards in our pocket... hopefully.

Happy Birthday Sammy!

13 years ago I became a mom for the first time. It has been a life changing experience. Sammy has made me a parent of a teenager today. I am scared! I remember turning 13! Someone asked Sammy today..."Do you feel different?" He replied, "Yes!"
He is so cute. I love him so much. He is so full of energy and a constant force of motion. He is a loving big brother and idealized by his younger siblings.

He is gifted in so many ways. He is creative, athletic, smart and knows how to be a great friend. He is sensitive and kind.
He is growing into a great young man. I can't wait to see what this year brings for him.
Happy Birthday Sammy! You are a special blessing to me. I pray that God keeps you safe. I pray that you continue to grow into a wonderful man and have a life filled with lots of love, happiness and wonderful memories!
I love you!

A Day at the Beach

Today was our annual Rhema beach day at Sandy Beach. Our school gets done a week before everyone else so we hit the beach before it is packed. It is always a great day. This year though, we need parkas... or at least firewood! Brrrrr.... it was a bit cool and very breezy. But it did not stop the boys... they had a great time. It was a great start to summer! Now bring back that summer weather!