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I can only use one word to describe how I feel right now, 8:38 p.m. on Monday night.... EXHAUSTED! Some other words to describe my feelings would be drained, pooped, depleted, dissipated, finished, spent, consumed.  Out of these, I'd say the best one is drained.  I am drained emotionally and physically.  I have spent almost every ounce I have today.  On reserve is that negative energy that I may need to use to go get Sammy from  his hockey game.

Yet, as much as I am tired... I can only imagine  my poor dear hubby's tiredness.  It took him all day to get home from golfing and conferencing alone in sunny California.  I didn't land till after 12 a.m. and then drove him, another 2 hours by the time he got his car and actually got on the home after 2 a.m.  7 a.m. came very soon for him... and then there was the day that is inevitable after being away from the clinic.  The day of people that just need to be seen now.

Then there was hockey.  Zachary played at 6:30p.m... Sanj coached.  Tyler and Jordan played at 7:30 a.m. Sanj coached.  I came home to put the youngest three in bed and am in that in between time... Sammy is playing at 8:45 p.m. and I will likely go pick him up.

Having company is one of my favourite things... of course it is tiring and when you add family with my dad here... you can multiply my emotions and energy by a gazillion.

It was a good visit.  No stress.  Sanj was awake and gone without even seeing my dad.  My dad, being clueless, actually seemed disappointed to have missed him.  He seems to be missing the point that Sanj could seriously hurt him for all the foolishness and pain over the years.

Then there are the things that I just wanted to get done today... so my house still looks as if an atomic bomb went through... mattresses and blankets everywhere from cousins sleeping together.  Breakfast dishes still dirty.  Laundry that was started... though the dryer seems to be protesting and may need to be serviced... hopefully that is all.  The garbage is almost overflowing and needs to be taken out.  All the signs that the house was full of bodies... and then a rush to be out the door.

Ah... there is tomorrow.  (My cleaning lady comes tomorrow... so I am not so stressed out... though she is an unsuspecting soul)!  Today, after dropping the younger ones off at school a little late, after saying by to the cousins, their aunt and uncle... and the ever eccentric Grandpa Peter...  Josh and I went shopping.  He has had a few major growth spurts over the year.  I kept ignoring the length of his pants... despite the fact that you could see his ankles and socks.  Since his cousin gets his hand me downs... I knew that it was time.  I made a pile of his clothes to be handed off... and off we went to the mall.

H&M has come to Peterborough.  We actually have a real mall.  Love it!  Josh said, "I want sweaters but not with writing on it."  He also wanted dress shirts, with collars and buttons.  Then he sported a "leather" jacket.  Oh dear.  And they had his favourite black checkered  pants... that were skinny jeans.  He was in heaven.  He begged to wear them right away.  Off to the bathroom we went, after paying for our purchases... he looked part hellion and part absolutely adorable.  It was fun!  

Then I had this mission to make myself business cards for my blog... but postcard size.  I am going to take my writing to the next level.  After this weekend, my brother gave me a edited version of using social media and taking it up a notch.  

Part of this was to become part of Twitter... tweet me if you are a Twitter user... I still have no clue about the jargon, so forgive me.  (momx6boys  is my user name)

My cell phone was ringer constantly today too.  This, that and the other.  

Sanj just phoned and said he is going to stay in town and wait for Sammy.  Yahoo... Pyjamas... here I come.  Today is officially over!

 

The Skullet...

It is Sunday night evening... very foggy and dreary outside.  I was very apprehensive about spending this day indoors with my father... yes, you read it right, my father is here... along with my youngest brother and family.

My father walked into my house with a cane.  He had broken his ankle this summer.  He also was sporting a skull-et.  Not quite a mullet ...  a very disturbing look!  He is quite proud of it.  He told us that he had about an inch and half of hair protruding out of his ears too.

Aw... this man... such an interesting character.   

Boundaries?

Remember I went off my crazy pill?  (Or my happy pill, I guess it is how you look at it).  I realized today I need it because of my crazy family.  It is whenever they are involved in my life that I feel crazy or sad.  Over the years I have chosen to remove family members from my life in order to feel safe and keep  peace in my life.

My father and middle brother have acted in ways that make me feel unsafe and I have found a great source of peace knowing that especially where my children are concerned, I have made the best decision.  They no longer get hurt physically or emotionally.

This weekend my middle brother is having his baby dedication.  My youngest brother is doing the service.  My mom and dad will be there.  I am here.  Yet... I am still there.  My mom asked me to buy food to cook for this thing.  Fine.  I never really say no to my mom.  I have issues with this but ... it is my mom.  She calls me to thank me.  This annoys me.  Why...  I am not sure.  Maybe it is because of the tone she thanks me with...  Always too grateful for me "taking care of things."

Then she says that my in-laws were all there.  This just makes my sick and quite frankly makes me so disgusted at people's inability to set boundaries.  They are all aware of the issues as to why my brother is not part of my life.  I am their family.   Yet, despite Sanj asking them to not get involved, there they were.

Is there no loyalty?  Is there ever reasons to stand up for ones beliefs?  Apparently not.  Every one is wishy washy.  Every one is a Christian.   Every one is a judge... and the jury.

Whatever.  I am so glad to have my own family away from my crazy family.  Quite frankly, they are all crazy.

I am feeling the absence of my husband.  He is out the on the golf course as I type.  He gets back tomorrow early morning.  How I am so grateful to have him .... my love, strength and stability... day in and day out.  He makes me feel normal.  He understands and gets loyalty.  He turns his back at those that hurt me and does not wavier on his love or commitment to me.

It's funny.  I feel let down by my family.  Yet... they will not get it.  I am the one that makes the choice to set the boundaries.  

God, are You there?  I am so tired of feeling let down, hurt and defending my actions.  I am so tired of fake people... of those that stick their long pointy noses up in the air... in the name of You.  I am sick of the superiority of which they carry themselves...  I am feeling sad that I can't escape ...  please give me peace, to not care.  Please let me always be true to myself and You.

Amen.

Report Card: D

Today, if was to be graded on being a mom, I'd have likely have gotten a D.  I wasn't absolutely horrid,  I didn't really lose it, yet I was very impatient.  I was hurting really bad today.  There were moments when I really wondered if the pain wouldn't be the death of me.

Tyler had football, which ran late and he was not played ONCE... (this is a problem).  Jordan had volleyball after school and much to his dismay, Sammy was helping out.  I put the younger ones in After Care after they begged this morning.   Then Sammy forgot his stuff at school, we got pizza and didn't even get into the house until 5:30.  I took 4 Advil and prayed that I didn't over dose.

Yet over the last 3 hours, I found myself very short with them.  Could they not just be quiet.. listen and do as I wanted?  I really just wanted them all in bed.  This I feel bad for.  I love them so much but must say, that I did pretty good keeping it together.

Sanj is in California at a golf tournament today.  I keep thinking of the fact that in 28 sleeps, I will be driving down to Michigan... alone, for some glorious girl time with some of my besties.  So, my sweet, golf away.

Actually it was funny, when Sanj called me this morning, seemingly unaware of my female pains and woes... he seemed unusually relaxed.  He was groggy with sleep as he is trying to adjust to the time difference.  I mentioned his relaxed state.  I think even he was surprised by it.  I get it, WE STRESS HIM OUT!  

Fine.  He can have his time out!  My family room is almost done.  I am so enjoying making this house our home.  I love the way it feels so warm and cozy!  :)


It's 8:33 pm and I am surrounded my little snoring bodies.  I love it.  It is a little cuter than the usual snores that my sweetie hubby sends my way as I am trying to head off into dream world.


I really wish that I could channel my ugly moodiness into positive ones.  I guess they way I see it is if they are all off to bed, this day, with my moodiness will be over for all!  One thing, my boys will definitely grow up understanding pms and cramp!  lol 


I am going to put myself out of my misery and pop some popcorn and watch Greys.  
Night all!

Today...

I made it!  Through my day, I mean!  For a while, it was touch and go!  I was feeling pretty yucky and was just trudging along... so glad to be able to put that big line through my list!

*** Stop off at the Bell Store.  ( HATE THIS COMPANY)!!!

*** Go into the office... do billing and poke my head in since Sanj is gone.

*** Pick up spaghetti for the lunch from the Pizza Factory.  (Great spaghetti sauce!!! Thanks          Mr. and Mrs. B.)

*** Pick up accessories needed for lunch.

*** Spaghetti Lunch... served to 90 % of the school!  Raised $350 for the bathrooms!!!

*** Prepare inserts for the bulletins about the Craft Sale and Indian Dinner.

*** Pick up my high school boys.

*** Back to Rhema to pick up the rest of the gang.  

*** Dropped off two spaghetti dinners for 2 families that needed a pick me up.

*** Back to Bell Store... DO NOT USE BELL IF YOU HAVE A CHOICE!!!

*** Supper with the boys.

*** Haircuts for the boys.  (HAD TO BE DONE!!!)

*** Dropped Jordan off at Youth Group.

*** Drove home... made it safe despite the on-going ruckus between the boys.

*** Dealt with protest of bathes and bed.


I made it!  Yah!  I can't wait till morning to see my new paint in the family room.  In the dark, it looks great!  I hope that it is finish by Friday...  Did I tell you I love my painter?!!!

For Sale...

It's 7:15 a.m.  I am trying to get my babes up and about.  Yet I am want nothing more than to turn off the lights and drowned myself in pills and wish the world away.  Not going to happen.  :(    My hubby was up at some ungodly hour to head to the airport.  I could hear him struggling with the zipper... not sure who one that fight.  I could feel him snuggling with me... kiss me bye and I hope he was able to decipher my words of love and safety, of not having too much fun and missing us tons.

Yesterday I was redoing the bedcovers in our room.  I bought  desperately pillows and sheets.  There were these sheets 600 thread count. Egyptian cotton... that I slept on last night.  I have to tell you that it was a delicious feeling.  I had trouble shooing the boys off the sheets as they whined... "But its so soft and comfy."  $59... for the whole sheet set, which came with 4 pillow cases!  :)  Love a great buy!


I have a bunch of stuff for sale.  I am hoping to have a online garage sale and if it don't work then figure out kijiji.  We have a Lavazza Blue...  makes various coffees and expressos... great for the office or home.  It has only been used a few times as Sanj found that his patients, a high percentage that are seniors were intimidated by the looks of the awesome machine!  You can have this for a steal for $550... trust me that is a steal!

    


I have a kids bike chariot, maybe that isn't the official name... the trailer that attaches to your bike... seat 2 kiddies... $ 50.


A Pier 1 rattan sofa and chair for sale... it just doesn't work in our family room in this house.... $150... in good shape.


I have a few other things but I have to look at them to write an accurate description.


Email me if you are interested.... sukreema@hotmail.com

Today, youth group for Jordan... and NO HOCKEY!!! Yah!  Sanj didn't even get home till after 9pm... Sammy had a soccer game that started late, so Sanj went there... then Jordan and Tyler had their game on  8:30 pm.  I don't think that my hubby has been home earlier than this all week.  He is going to have to learn the N word.   NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Well, except to me, that is!  :)

Last night or rather earlier this morning, I had a dream... I may even go as far to call it a night mare.  I was feeling funny (in my dream) and for some reason, my cleaning lady said, you may be pregnant.   I am pretty sure I gave her a scathing look.  She said, let me check... and for some reason had a portable ultrasound.   (Dreams... weird stuff...).  So, in the ultrasound we can see very clearly... a babe... actually not a babe but rather 2 babes, laying there so sweetly.  I could feel the shock bubbling over... but I had the sense to  see their sex.  Well, they were very modest babes in utereo as they had little towels draped over their privates. 

I called Sanj who came home for lunch (another dream since he usually doesn't get a full lunch... ever).  He looked to the picture which was so CUTE.  I am pretty sure I was just ready to kill him and them I woke up.

Twins.  I always wanted twins... back in the day.  What kind of dream was that?  Distrubing.  I do wish I knew the sex.  I hate cliffhangers in a dream!

Then I woke up to reality of morning, my husband likely airborne, boys needing to get out the door, lunch money (which Sanj must have taken off my dresser...) the brutality  of my cramps, dogs, painting... and pick a color, calling to fit in haircuts, consoling my youngest who bonked his head on the corner of the counter.... MORNING... yet I was not pregnant with twins.  :)

Yet... oh how I miss having a babe.  How precious a time that was.  Not wishing for twins... now though... so glad it was only in my dreams.  :)


 

Turkey, Cramps, Painting, Butter Chicken...

These past weeks, since I have my lovely space, I have found that I have not been writing as much.  Not because of any reason then time!!!  I have been nose deep in getting all the things done for my projects... which has required lots of running around, phone calls and note taking.  So... I will be glad once the bathroom #1 is complete.  (of course there is bathroom #2 but I am really hoping to cover that with one fundraiser).

Speaking of projects, did you know it would cost $4500 to get my friend, Cesar, the Indian ellie to the dinner?  Wow... that is more than we may make!!!  $3500 to get a Bengal Tiger to the dinner... no kids though, as they are smaller then the cat... so guess they may  be mistaken for a meal!  :)  Oh well, I can dream.

I was going to backtrack a bit... to Thanksgiving Dinner... I had to tell you about my turkey.  It was really good.  I even ate some of it!  Yes, I did brine it.  I took bits of advice from everyone... the whole brown sugar, sea salt, lots of cold water, a cooler and added orange rinds and lemon rinds.  It was GOOD!  Before I baked it, it stuffed it with wedges of oranges and lemons, onions and garlic.  I baked at 400 for an hour, sealed and then at 325 till done.  It was an 18-20 pound bird and was cooked relatively fast.

I made cranberry stuff from scratch (which I really liked, even though I don't like cranberries) but my brother-in-law still looked for the can of jelly gunk.  Anyway, my point is that brining the turkey is really worth the effort.  Even Sanj, my sweet  husband, who was mocking me the whole time, saying, "White meat is going to taste like nothing... no matter what you do."  Well, even he had to admit that there was a difference.

I have learned that I love to cook for others.   I love to try out new recipes.  I enjoy the process of cooking.  It is the everyday cooking... that drudgery of what today... what is healthy, low fat, if possible and will taste delish with the least amount of work, since we are often rushing off to something.

I realized that if I was a stay at home literally kind of mom, it would put a whole different spin on things.  I realized that any one can be a good cook and be the next Julia Child if they cooked with butter in everything!

I am going to learn to master butter chicken.  This is my next project.  I want it to be authentic.  Mouthwatering.  Everyone's version of butter chicken is a little different.  Sanj and I had butter chicken from this little hole in the wall place in Scarborough, when we were first married.  It was SO GOOD!  To us, that is what we compare all butter chicken too yet have not tasted that  which makes us say... "aw!"

I am really crampy today.  That makes me miserable.  Tomorrow is going to be a crazy day...first because cramps on day 2-3 are really bad.  Not to mention that it is a full day... ie... spaghetti lunch day (I have only one person helping so far),  Sanj is off to sunny CA for a "conference" and yes I am jealous... because as much as he complains about this... the classes etc... he is taking his golf clubs so life can't be that bad!  He is traveling alone, packing for one... so how hard can it be?  Then there is youth group... thank goodness for friends that can and will help with the driving.  

I have a procedure early November that will, God willing, get rid of my monthly annoyance.  So... I am not even scared about the needles, IV and going under as I am praying the outcome will be worth the other pains.  (Yes, I am a big scaredy cat.  I hate needles).

We are having our family room painted today.  I am so excited.  I can't wait for it to be warm, inviting and just they way I see it in my head.  :)

I am at the end of A Fine Balance.  I was wrong... yes, it can get sadder.  Wow... I never take this long to finish a book.  I found the corruption, violence and dark side of a human's soul very disturbing.  The sad thing is that I know that much of this is true and does happen.  I can't image the feel of despair that must go through a person's heart.

Can you image what Heaven will be like?  When I feel that despair and frustration, I can only turn my eyes upward.  I have to.  What happens when you do not have faith?  What happens to those that see scraps of food, left over by someone else, as a delicious dinner?  What happens to those that are so violated by others?  When they are disfigured on purpose... because they are "worth" more, they are noticed more and begging is a profitable living when they have had their eyes poked out of fingers chopped off... or...

I think of heaven for those that suffer so much.  Does it not make you wonder what God is waiting for?  Please dear Jesus, JUST COME!

I can't wait for this book to end!  I am really looking forward to having my brother and family.  My kids are eagerly awaiting grandma's cooking.  


We are having our family room painted!  Wahoo!  When we bought this house, one of the things we appreciated was that the colors in the house went with our stuff.  That was fine for the  last two years... but now I am wanting to make it mine!  I am really excited about it!  It will have a totally different feel to it.  I am using a red for our accent wall with a taupe/grey for the remainder walls.  I took down the plastic valances, which I really didn't like to be replaced with rods and curtains.  :)  I will have a corner with a little area rug and a bunch of pillows on the floor for vegging out.  I love renovating.  We have a great painter who is good with the little things... and doesn't skimp.  


Today I was watching her patch.  I am going to patch our room and then give it a touch up.  The painter that did it originally, did not do a good job, so I never felt it was finished.  Then as the family room gets finished, I am going to tackle the mud room.  It has a lower half that has that wooden panelling but not really.  Then my painter will do the top half and the cutting in.  I am hoping that I will be good at it and thus be able to save some money. Yet I am not holding my breath! lol


OK... I am off... Just felt like writing...