Beautiful...

I have been picture taking more than usual this year. I have developed a knowledge for what I like in my pictures... what I see and am trying to capture.

Beauty. Yet my idea of beauty is constantly changing. Sometimes I am trying to capture the Beauty of Living... as in the blog below of Zachary. I love his zest for life. It is such a beautiful thing. It is draining, exhausting and annoying at times but I can never escape the raw beauty that he has for life.

Then there is the Beauty of Loving... as in capturing the essences of a relationship... whether it is between people or nature. I love this picture of Tyler and his pup. It says so much to me about them sharing a quiet moment.

As I have aged, I have hated having pictures taken of me. I never see me... but all I see is the changes that have happened over the years. I see the bumps on my faces that came for no apparent reason yet will not leave... I see the poundage (I am not even going to go there)... I see all that I don't like about me.

I seem to always miss the beauty that is in the picture. There are not a lot of pictures of me compared to the others because I am always (by choice) behind the camera. But I have had to make a conscious decision to change that. Oh... I still HATE getting my picture taken. I am sure that isn't going to change in the near future. But... I am teaching my children things... good and bad... all by my reactions...

Lately, in the last year, I have been snapping pictures of people that are in my life. Most of them I like/love very much. I am so delighted when I capture them in the perfect picture. Many respond the same as I would... " I never like my picture or like what I see" but I guess the key is really WHAT OTHERS SEE! It is probably obvious what features you may not like about yourself... usually the first one is weight. Then there are wrinkles or a nose or many other flaws that haunt many of us.

But when I capture what I think is the perfect picture of you... I see so much more. Usual the first thing I try to capture is that smile. I try to capture the soul that is my friend. I try to get that beauty that is such a blessing in my life. I try to capture all things that have made you beautiful to me. That usually has nothing to do thing what you have on. Actually it is most never that is on the outside.

So if I find a "my perfect picture of you" know that it is how I see you. Beautiful.

You are beautiful to me. Your friendship is one of the beautiful things in my life.

Judgement

It is so easy to criticize others ... other families and other parents. I learned this the hard way... as I was growing up I always studied families. It was maybe one of the ways I escaped the craziness around me or maybe it was to some degree wistful thinking.

Regardless... I would often look at families, at the roles each played, make my assessment of the good, bad and ugly.

As I look back at those families though the eyes of a 40 year old mother and wife, how those opinions have changed.

How many times did I wonder why the wife was crabby or bossy while the husband seemed so sweet...

Now as a mother I can't help but wonder how much sleep did that wife get, how often did SHE get out on her own, did she have help while she was cleaning, cooking and getting the children ready for us... the company?

This couple, the husband ended up cheating on his wife and his 4 sons. I remember being in shock as a older young adult digesting all this...

I think now of all the husbands that are out there, working their tails off, just to provide the people he loves most the things of life. I think of the pressure that they must be under to provide.... materially and financially and yet have enough left over at the end of the day to meet the emotional needs of those in his life.

I think of the family that I criticized (in my head) of spoiling and loving her kids too much. When I grow up... I am going to make sure I make my kids clean up after themselves...

Sure I am ... that is what parents do. We TEACH our kiddies... yet there are also the many times that I am tired and know it is much faster for me to tidy up and let them watch TV so we can all be done... FASTER and WITHOUT NAGGING and BICKERING.

I didn't know back then that YOU CAN NEVER REALLY LOVE TO MUCH... it is just something that happens.... Loving your child.

It is something that happens, when parents have to let go of a child because there is nothing they can do... but let them mess up and learn on there own.

So as I look back at 4 decades of thinking how much different I will do it with my own kids, I realize that I don't do it much different. I am a nag, whiner and annoying. I pick up after my kids, love them too much and at the end of the day hope that I did make them pick up enough, loved them enough, spoiled them enough and where I have fallen short, they love me enough to forgive me.

I am so thankful for all those families in my life that should me what a perfect family really is... REAL... A perfect family is one that has the yelling, bickering, messes, dusty spots and tupperware cupboard that you better thrown it in quick and slam that door!

A perfect family is a family that is loving the best they possibly know how (most of the time), living the best they know how (most of the time) and making moments that they laugh so hard tears come.

Summer So Far...

Most people are complaining about the heat or the absence of it. I have to admit that I don't mind. I love the absence of the humidity and sweating.

Yet I know... summer is all about that heat and sweat.

Right now it is cloudy and a lovely breeze is blowing in my window. My kids are wondering why I am always hot.... I wonder that too!

Summer has been good... so far. I can't say we have done a lot of exciting things ... because we have not done anything out of the ordinary. We have been home, gone swimming a far bit (finally making use of that Y membership), played at a creek... catching crayfish, golfed at bit (not me) and hung out with friends.

I am thinking of taking the boys camping for a few days. I like the idea of camping but hate the set up and take down. But I love the way the kids are occupied with nothing more than nature.

Sammy has his first JOB. It is a great one especially to get his feet wet in the big world of WORK. He is a play mate to one of Jordan's classmates while his folks work. One day a week... and really he gets to play.

Tyler is eager to join too. So... if you want a babysitter/playmate, I got one for you!

Are people prejudice against boy babysitters? Not sure... I wonder if a boy would be asked over a girl? I never really had a boy babysitter because I didn't know of any that were interested.

I remember my first job was a summer babysitting job... a boy and a girl... 3 and 5 years old. The mom was a single lady, pretty and had nice clothes. I was intrigued by her life. I remember seeing her stuff on the bathroom counter and being very intrigued.

I don't really remember the kids too much but I do remember thinking what trust was bestowed upon me (I was probably Sammy's age) and with them all day and few times a week. I felt like I was playing house and loved it.

Guess I had an early start at what was my destiny... at least part of it.

I am still wondering what God has in store for me... the next stage. But knowing that summer is only minus 3 months and counting... I am good with the occasion pondering.

Do others wonder what's next? Or are people just riding the ride? Maybe I am a restless spirit... Or maybe I am just looking to the lotto that isn't really there.

Ok... I am just having verbal diarrhea... I best get on with a day that has been calling me for a bit now!

Happy Birthday Tyler!

Today is my sweet child's birthday... I hope I will still be calling him sweet over the next bit... as he is entering his teenage years.

Lord, help me! Tyler is a beautiful child with a wonderful spirit. He is full of kindness and warmth. He is compassionate and thoughtful. He is one that is effected by other's suffering and pain.

As he continues to grow into a young man, I wish him the continued passion which he approaches life (sometimes called obsessing about things....). I wish him the continued gift of gentleness and thoughtfulness.

He has always been my gentle giant. He is wearing a size 10 men's shoe... He is going to be a big man.

He has not always had the easiest of times but it is his gentle spirit that continues to see him through the rough moments.

God gave you a big heart, Tyler. It is a gift. You make me proud of how you continue to use it over and over.
You are a cherished gift to me. How much I love you and am grateful that you are in my life.
Live each day, Tyler, with all you have.
Love each person in your life will all you have. ( That doesn't have to apply to the opposite sex)! lol
Laugh that beautiful laugh that lets me know you are happy even when it has been a rough one.

You are a beautiful boy.
Be proud of all that God has blessed you with.
He made you and has BIG plans for you.
I love you so much.
Happy Birthday, my sweet boy!

Remembering...

As the news of Michael Jackson's death takes over the media, I have to admit that I loved him.

Not a crazy fan kind of love, but rather I had a fascination of his life, his talent, his creative gifts to the world.
I was taken by his loneliness. I guess I just wanted to hug him (I suppose, like half the world). I wanted to be his friend... for no other reason than for him to have a friend.

OK... so maybe I was a crazy kind of fan.

His music just takes me back to so many different memories and emotions. I remember being sad with some songs, wanting to be loved with others and simply wanting to make the world better with others.

His music is timeless. My boys were just discovering his music... "Hey mom... listen to this song..." It was so funny.

And then he died.

I feel so sad ... for many reasons but the biggest being for those poor children who lost a father.

I don't have a lot to say that is different than all that is out there... just I just had to stop and write ...
I just had to say... Rest in Peace, Michael.

In Love With My Best Friend....

I have been in love with Sanj forever. Even when he was too busy checking out the other fish in the sea, I was loving him. I am not sure what changed to make us both look at each other the same way... but on this day, 15 years ago... we promised to love each other.

Sanj is a person that has brought out ever emotion possible from me... and then some. He makes me the happiest, maddest, silliest, craziest, loveliest, ugliest, spoilest, corkiest, loudest, quietest... and on it goes.

I love him. It is just that simple. If I tried to explain, I'd be speechless. If I tried to write it, there would be a blank page. I love him.

I have grown up with him. I am so different from that young girl he dated so long ago. Yet, I am still so much that very person. He would never want that me of yesterday to go very far... Just I as love seeing that man that was just too grown up back then change into a grown up that can still play.


When I look around me ... I see the last 15 years, the footprints are all around me.

Actually I see the 6 sets of footprints that follow us, look to us, love us and better us.

Life is such a gift. Each day is a gift. Life with Sanj each day.... is a gift that keeps giving, loving and growing.

To my best friend,
You have given me a life that I couldn't even imagine back so long ago.
I am so thankful for you, your love, your friendship and your inability to say no to me! :)
That makes me thankful for my greatest gifts from you... my boys.
I love living most every day with you... and those that I don't... well thankful they are only 24 hours! :)
I am so glad that God has blessed my life with a wonderful gift of your love.
I hope that I continue to make you laugh and cry. To make you proud and embarrassed. To keep you guessing.... for a very long time...

I love you.
Here's to another 15 years... maybe a few extra for good behavior!
Happy Anniversary!

Happy Birthday CANADA!

Happy Canada Day! It is an unusually quiet day at home. Normally we would have a BBQ and folks over. Maybe because it is the middle of the week or maybe because it has been rainy... it is just us.

So it is that kind of perfect day... rainy and cloudy... perfect for a nap.

I took some of the boys to the parade this morning. Rainy and wet yet it still was perfect. One of the pitfalls of a bigger family and having kids with age differences is that you know you did stuff with the older set with enthusiasm and zest the first time around. Yet the younger set has not had that experience. Example... the CN Tower. I know the older boys have gone up and we have great memories of walking on that horrid glass floor from way up top... yet the younger boys have only seen the Tower.

So as I was at the parade ... and saw this look in Josh and Zach's face... I got the privilege of looking at the parade through their eyes... seeing it all for the first time. "Look at that Horse... the Police... Oh look at the Soldiers!"

Sometimes living something through the second time is even better.

We came home... and are resting up so we can go see the Fireworks tonight. I really hope there isn't a storm... as in the forecast.
I love nights like this. Just being out with people, waiting, munching, chatting... knowing that at this moment... life is good... actually very good!

Happy Canada Day... thank you to all those that fight for our safety... and freedom... in the Past and Present!