A Morning Person

It is 5:30 a.m. and I am up! Ok I still feel kind of groggy... but not enough to fall back asleep~ I have been doing quite good with the whole getting up and trying to be organized in the morning bit. Can't say I really like it, but I believe that you are either a morning person or not.

Only 4 more sleeps till we are asleep in our new house!!! I am so excited I can't wait! I am feeling good about the move as far as packing and being ready. We are in good shape! Sanj's is stressed out. He is worried that we are not going to be ready. Being a pessimist, this is OK, at least it (the worrying) is keeping him busy! :)

We have been showered by kindness from friends. Meals, baby-sitting or occupying Josh... it is the only way we are so sane at this point! So I am blessed! Deeply blessed.

I feel so cleansed with all the purging that I have been able to do. I literally put away 20 loads of laundry yesterday. This kind of had me in a mood ... as you know my love affair with laundry. Yet maybe that will change when I get my front loader! Yes I know.... everyone has one.. and I know how much you can fit in and save.. but our machine has not died... so I couldn't justify buying a new washer... till now. Sanj gets the riding mower (although he says it is for me... we know better...) and I get the washer!

Ok I am just writing to write! I hope that each of you have a great day! Now it is only 5:42 a.m. Oh the possibilities. I am going to crawl back to bed for just a bit.

Boys Are So WEIRD!

Our house is in a very discombobulated state. I am SO ready to be moved and out of here. I am getting in a bad mood just simply because enough is enough.

My poor sons are at a loss for what to do. Toys are gone, TVs are down and game stations are put away. So they amuse themselves in loud ways ... which means 3-4 tease 1 of the other brothers. This is followed by screaming of "Mommy... he....."

I went to the dollar store and bought a few nerf guns to occupy them. Hum... they found their own version of the game.
A ladder, a younger brother who is silly enough to provide his "most prized body part" as target practice....

Awww..... laughter.

Boys are so weird. Just a girl's perspective. Good thing they are so lovable.

39 and counting!

I am saying goodbye to the 30s soon. I am looking forward to this next decade with anticipation. The 30s for me was about discovery usually by trial and error. I often lost myself in the midst of motherhood and being wife. Time for myself was a rarity.

I found myself and defining where I belong in the extended family... whether it was with my family or Sanj's. It was a time to discover new friendships, and see which older friendships stood the test of time. I learn to define what a friend is to me. I learned to release people that did not make me a better person or that took me down a path I did not want to go.

It was about making discoveries about myself such as who I really am and can be. It was about learning that I like people and working together toward a great cause.

It was about learning to become a leader (something I never have been before) rather than a follower. I learned to make things that were important happen rather than wondering if they would happen.

I learned it is OK to be really happy and really sad. It is OK to feel disappointment deep in the core of you. It is OK to be me. Me... whatever all that entails the good, bad and ugly.

I learned that "talents" are things like the ability to really love, to accept, to be positive. To be real, to be open and inviting. To be giving and hospitable and forgive.

I learned that I am weird, corky even maybe eccentric. But that is OK. I find normal kind of boring. But than maybe that is just an excuse to make myself feel better ... that I am not the norm.

I think that my six sons were all part of an amazing plan. Part of being different... standing out in a crowd. They were given to me as a gift. A gift that I will spend the rest of my life unwrapping wonderful little surprises each of them will bring into my life.

My husband was my special blessing. Life would not be as wonderful, crazy and full if he was not my partner in this crazy journey we are on together.

The biggest discovery of my 30s is that I am loved. Not just a bit... but oozing over with all different kinds of love. I feel it when I am with my friends, my family and my sons, my husband and mostly by God.

After spending so much of my early years feeling unloved... my cup is overflowing with love. I feel it... as I breathe. It fills my soul. It grounds me and makes me want to pass it on. Love. There is nothing like it... feeling you are loved, knowing you are loved. It really is the one thing in life that is priceless.

You can't make people love you. It is a gift. So as I greet the next 40 years with hope, dreams and excitement... I am grateful for the last 40 years. For all I have learned, grown from and become.

Thank you for all that love me. You have made my life rich in a way that no one else can. You are loved dearly.

Here I come 40!!!

The Visit

Yesterday I spent part of the day with my dad. To be honest, the night before, I didn't want to go. I was feeling that I was wasting time. I have so much to do and did not feel the need to drive to Oshawa and be uncomfortable.

I went. I did not want to "hurt" my dad's feelings. Talk about irony. It was fine. I am fine.

I realized that almost 40 years has gone by and I am fine. No expectations. God has been so good to me. I have peace where there is no understanding. I have acceptance of this person as he is. It was just doing errands with my dad and Josh, having lunch and then talk to you later.

As I drove away, I was waiting for emotions to flood me and to feel unsettled. I was a little lost at the lack of emotional drama.
I was a little lost at the nothingness I felt. I felt OK.

I went because I felt like it was the right thing to do. I felt sad at the consequences of my father's life. Loneliness is a bitch of a punishment.

My dad seems nostalgic... mentioning my fast approaching 40th birthday... and said something about how time goes by so fast.

Does he have regrets? It would seem so. Does he verbalize them... not yet. Maybe these regrets will keep him company in his grave.

I am not holding my breathe for a miracle...

Yet I am content with where I am emotionally. It is a long way from one year ago. How blessed I feel for this gift. Acceptance.
Accepting what he can give me and not seeking what isn't. Peace... am I at peace? Maybe or close to it. Wow.

First day of school...

Today Zachary started grade one! Big day for a big boy!

Josh and I have continued our bosom buddies relationship...

The rest of the boys are old pros... ready to check out the new classroom and new teachers.

All in all a good day!

Rough life!

There is nothing more annoying than life throwing you a curve and your mother is looking at it as a photo op.

Jesus Loves Me This I Know

It is such a simple song... " Jesus loves this I know... little ones to Him belong, they are weak but He is strong.... Yes Jesus loves me... the Bible tells me so." Rather than the Bible tells me so... I would say Jesus shows me so... over and over.

I have been such a believer in miracles. I love a great answer to prayer story. I love it even better when it is one of my prayers that are answered. I am not obnoxious to think that only my prayer gets the miracles to happen but I sure feels good to see the Hand of God in action.

Unfair is a blog I wrote a few day ago. Just a few days ago, I was asking God for a miracle. For Him to make a way to allow this family to be at Rhema. I was at the park with some of the boys yesterday, when my cell rang. It was the mom.... telling me that the school called... there was someone that was going to cover the balance of the bill, whatever the family couldn't pay.

I was blown away. Actually I am still blown away. How huge is that? How wonderfully generous. How fabulous of God to answer in such an awesome way?

There has been so many changes this year that this little gift was just what I needed. Rhema is still Rhema in the ways that are so important to me. We are a community that embraces each other and it is what makes this place so special. The core is still there.

Jesus loves me. He shows me in so many little ways that I often miss them. Yet here it is ... in a BIG amazing answer to pray.... to many that prayed. Here is a family that has to now know, if they didn't before, that they matter, to our community and more so God. So neat, so amazing, I love it.

In so many ways, I am still a child. I feel vulnerable and lost so often. I am lonely and scared some of the time. I wonder and think of all the what if's ... in my life. Yet I know ... really deep down know... Jesus loves me. Why do I ever question it? Because I am just like my kids, sulky when they don't get their way.

Yet I know that my Parent has my best interest. I need to simply trust. I need to listen and hear. I need to believe. He has it all under control. I just need to let Him love me.

It is such a journey. Why it takes me so long to learn... I don't know. But I am learning. It IS so simple if I allow it.