The Non

I was a non. In my university days, I would become whomever I was around. If you asked me my opinion, I usually wanted to hear yours before answering. Then my answer would be based on what you said. If you asked me where I wanted to eat, I would say, " I don't know, what do you want?" How annoying. I am so annoyed with myself when I look back. Why did my friends even bother?

I grew up in a home that turmoil was a constant. So I would do what I was told to keep the boat from rocking. I was taught that. Maybe this is a survival skill a battered woman learns. I can remember so many times, we would come home from church and be at the dinner table eating lunch. My dad would be talking about what the pastor had said. I had totally different opinions. I am not sure whether they were right or wrong but nevertheless they were different from that of my dad. I would start to voice my opinion and perhaps liked the idea of rocking the boat... daring to question, daring to think for my self or have my own opinions... but would feel a kick under the table.

My mom. Her eyes were telling me to be quiet. Probably begging me to be quiet. My father could not handle being wrong or having his authority questioned. So my thoughts learned to become quieter. Oh I would continue to think loud thoughts in my head but that is where they stayed. Perhaps where they were safe.

When I went to university, it was a whole new world. I was free. I just didn't know what to do with that freedom. I knew I could breathe. I can still remember that wonderful feeling. Oh I was scared, not doubt. It was a big world. But it was so neat to know I could do anything. Well almost anything.

I think I was exploring all the things I could be. I remember thinking that person is so confident, I like that. Or that person it so selfish. Yuk. How thoughtful that was of so and so. I was being molded into all that things I could be and wanted to be.
There were all those things that were in my genes that I had to learn to grab hold of too.

I am not sure when I was tired of being a non. It took years of growing and feeling strong enough within to be the real me. It took a long time to trust that those around me would love me regardless. It took having Sammy to realize that I HAD to protect him. In order to do that, I couldn't be scared anymore.

I remember the first time I stood up to my inlaws. It was the first really time I STOOD. It was scary. Really scary. But I did it.
It had to do with defending my kids and I KNEW at that moment if I didn't I was letting them down. it was a millisecond decision but was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made.

It was a defining moment for me. I spoke my mind (really it was only a few word but still...) and no one hit me. Oh there were other reprocussions but ones I could live with. It was a horrid moment yet amazing. I only see the amazing now... it didn't feel great to stir the pot but now looking back ... that moment changed everything.

It is amazing what wee helpless babes can empower you to do. Slowly I went from a non to a mom. I went from having thoughts and opinions that were quiet to loud. And I felt safe doing so. This is a gift that I had/have with Sanj. I know that no matter how mad he gets at me (like when I ruined the ice rink) he will never hurt me.

I am safe. I think that one of the keys to leaving non-hood behind is feeling safe. Giving yourself permission to the REAL you. Giving yourself permission to be HAPPY. Giving yourself permission to be a person.

I know some nons. When I am around them or have a conversation with them, I feel restless. Almost anxious. I don't want to be around someone that is going to agree with me or be me. There is room for only one me and sometimes that is too much.
I see people in the 30s, 40, 70s that are nons. It is not too late. Let go and BE! It is so amazing to be free and be who you were meant to be.

Weirdo

Have you every walked by someone that is just weird? They stick out because they look odd or smell funky? Maybe they dress with no knowledge that some body parts were better left to the imagination. You know what I mean, right? Like some ladies that wear their jeans so tight that you have no doubt they ARE women looking at them in the front. How can you sit?

How about those plain ole ANNOYING people you can not escape from? Maybe at work or church or play group? Do they ever listen to themselves? How can THEY live with themselves? How can they not know?

How about people that have no people skills? No idea of how to fit in a group or just be?

Obviously if we are honest, we have these people in our lives daily. If you are cursed, then you work with one every day and there is no way out... until retirement or a Workman's Comp incident (Hum... there is an idea..).

I have so often found myself annoyed with such a person or wondered how they can live so clueless?

It is so easy to dislike the weird or judge them. Yet these are the same kind of kids that I am always lecturing my kids to be kind to, encouraging them to include them in their play...etc. Hum... yet again I find myself pausing. How come it is so easy to teach the "right thing" but what a nuisance it is to practice!

As I watched someone the other day, a bum on the sidewalk, I was hit with the fact that God loves this person. Sin was the reason for all the stuff that make people weird. Or what if I was that person? What if I had that birth mark that everyone stares at yet I didn't have a choice ... I was just born with it. That would suck.

So as I notice people that are different... I have really tried to think of God, and how much I believe that He loves me. And then when I try to place God's love on those people it does make me look at them differently.

I would not want someone to judge me based on the fact of my looks or appearance. Check out this guy... my brother met him at an airport and of course took his picture. He is a motivational speaker whose message is tolerance and acceptance.

Talk about weirdos and odd people... yet who would think he was anything more than a scary biker? Don't judge a book by its cover, eh?

Fancy Nancy

My brother Kumar has his own blog (Wonderingaboutgod.blogspot.com) and did this post called Fancy Nancy. He tells a nice little story about one of our "pets" growing up. Well my version is slightly different, so I couldn't be still. This is a picture of Fancy Nancy, Kumar's pet goat. What is missing from the picture are two more goats, not quite so nice as Fancy Nancy, and about 10 chickens.

My father thought that we should experience some of the culture he had growing up, such as drinking goat's milk and collecting eggs from one's own chickens. Let me preface this with we never had a dog or any other normal pet. But I suppose that isn't surprising, as we were NOT a normal family. We lived within city limits. We had a garage/shed that was converted into a makeshift barn.

And thus, a trip out to a farm and we had new members to the family. Understand, we were for the most part all afraid of animals. Kumar's goat was younger, so she was more controllable. He was 10 or so, and so he thought it was all great.

Me, on the other hand, did I not just blog about my high school years being horrid? Hum... I wonder why. This was the kind of crap I was hoping no one would ever see. GOATS, CHICKENS, oh, did I mention a trailer park behind us?

One day I returned home from some school trip. I looked out the school bus to see my parents driving up. As the door opens, who is in there to greet me... FANCY NANCY. My brother writes in his blog as he retells this story that being a teenager I was mortified. I am not sure that is a strong enough word.

To be mortified means: To cause (a person) to be self-consciously distressed. I am not sure the is a word to express that extreme embrassment or mortification I felt. Did I mention I was already a geek, outcast, misfit?

Thanks Kumar, for bring that memory back.

Oh by the way, after a while, when it got too much, the chickens became supper and the goats were adopted out... to a real farm again.

The Countdown Begins

370 days or so and Sammy will be graduating from 8th grade. Today his class went to one of the local high schools to check it out. They ended with a dance. OK I know my kids are not me (thank goodness) but I am proud of the self confidence that Sammy has to boogie with his friends.

I can't imagine this year coming being the last year of elementary school for him. I still remember his first day of JK. In many ways I am not one of those parents that says "Where has time gone?" I know where it has gone, 6 children later. But at the same time I would like to freeze for a few minutes.

High School was such a horrid time of my life. Probably the worst time of my life, if I am honest. I was a loser. I was geeky, gawky and wanted to disappear. Yet at the same time I wanted so badly to simply belong and not stand out. I wanted Hang Ten clothing, a different face and certainly different parents. I wanted to live in a different house and neighbourhood and drive anything other than the Ford Econoline I drove.

Now I look at Sammy as he begins to reach that phase. I want to make sure I do not dump my insecurities on him. I want him to belong and be accepted but not hang out with the wrong bad boys and girls. I want him to learn, grow and develop into a fine person with morals, manners and happy memories.

I have realized that it doesn't matter if you have the right clothing, drive a cool car or live in a mansion. You can't make someone love and accept themselves. Only they can do that . So as I struggle to accept the child that stretched my belly with marks that are a constant reminder of his presence yesteryear...almost as tall as me, full of love and attitude and then more attitude. This child that makes me feel that I do not know anything that he would know... this child that can be so loving and dear... I pray that I have loved him enough these past 12 years, that I have punished enough and prayed enough for him.

Now I have 370 + days left to hold my breathe and see how he grows up. I have to watch and see if he continues to love himself and be proud and strong in himself. I hope that this is his journey that he can see in himself as the gift he is and the pain he is and accept all of himself. I hope that he continues to grow and have his soul nurtured and the Spirit move him in positive ways.

Psalms 139

1 O Lord, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
2 You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
3 You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
4 You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.
5 You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!
7 I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
8 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave,[a] you are there.
9 If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.
11 I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—
12 but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.

13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

17 How precious are your thoughts about me,[b] O God.
They cannot be numbered!
18 I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me!

19 O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
Get out of my life, you murderers!
20 They blaspheme you;
your enemies misuse your name.
21 O Lord, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you?
Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you?
22 Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
for your enemies are my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Soul Misery

I had a session with my doctor this week. It is called Life Coaching. I have to admit that I thought it was kind fufuee when I first heard about it. But she is gifted in this. She says it like it is. I left last week telling her I didn't like her very much. But she calls a apple an apple.

So As we talked and i told her some of the things that I think suck in my life, she said "Soul misery is the worst misery." Stuff that makes your soul feel yucky. Jealousy is one of those things. As I complained about my childhood and the things I felt robbed off as a child, I realized I was jealous of people that had these easy ideal childhoods. Childhood is long gone, but the ramifications of ones childhood hangs on. I also realized I am jealous of people with truly lucky streaks. You know if you are one of those. I wish I was one of those people that things happened that I wanted or didn't even know I wanted came my way, easy.

Other things like liking my body... when I look in the mirror, I am often surprised with how I look. In my head I still feel 20 and remember my 20 year old body. Then I look in the mirror and there is more grey hair than yesterday, and even though I didn't eat carbs the scale doesn't seem to know that. HELLLLLLOOOO.... where is the me that I know?

What sucks is that when I was 20 and had a body I would kill for now, I didn't appreciate it. I was STILL conscious of a non existent belly.

Then there is the issues of unfullfilled dreams. Some dreams just aren't going to happen. It isn't in the cards. Some sad memories or hurts will never go away. How do I learn to live with it? I do not want to live in the past or live a life of regrets.

Soul Misery. How do you rid yourself of it?

So I am leaving my doctor's office... and she says, "Wait... here is your homework..."
ERK! Have I told you I hate school???

Read Psalms 139 ... I said oh... the one that tells me about being fearfully and wonderfully made?

Our weekend away...

I had a very weird weekend. So much happened and nothing happened. I enjoyed quiet time immensely. I miss that. It is different to have that quietness away from home, in a very cold room with comfy blankets and nothing around that reminds me of a list of endless tasks awaiting my attention.

I enjoyed a bit of shopping. I have a reputation as an shopaholic. This is true to some degree, it is accurate of me in the past. Josh is not a tolerant child that allows me to stroll through a mall. So over the last years this has changed. When I mentioned it to Sanj, He said, "people say that because your eyes light up when you talk about shopping". Fair enough. I do enjoy shopping, but wish others would understand that there are many other sides to my personality. I love shopping for others, my famly, surprising them with a little something. Besides, shopping for a family of 8 naturally makes you a shopaholic.

The spa part was nice, but left me with a little too much free time and trapped at a golf course with no means of escape. I did get a lot of reading done. But wished I had thought to bring the laptop, blogging would have been great.

I mostly enjoyed being with Sanj. Of course this was a business trip, so I found myself having to sharing him with half the world of hearing specialists.

What I enjoyed most was reconnecting with Sanj. Last night we had such a heart to heart. It was so good. We talk all the time but sometimes we don't have time to 'really talk". I love him so much. I am so blessed to have him in as part of my life.

I am growing each day, and making new discoveries about myself. I want to be free of the past yet learn to embrace what the past has made me today.

It was a good weekend. I am now back to reality. Wonder what we can do next weekend?