Front Seat!

We were getting into the car to go do errands.

Zachary: "I get to ride shotgun."

Josh: " I get to ride pistol."

I was laughing so hard. I love my boys. I love to listen to their minds working and learning!

Let the Adventure Begin...

Today I had to go to The Apple Store to deal with an issue with the iPhone. The closest one was the Yorkdale Mall about an hour and half away.

Always ready for an adventure, I thought I would drive to Whitby and then take the GO Train. Josh has been dying to ride the train and it just doesn't happen. So I was really looking forward to taking him on this adventure.

Jordan and Zachary were my sidekicks as well. So we get to the GO and I asked for the tickets to Yorkdale. The guy didn't tell me there was NO TRAIN! I just got a bus ticket.
By the time I figured it out, I decided we'd take the bus and catch the train back to Scarborough. How bad could it be?

Well.. 2 HOURS and 15 MINUTES later... we FINALLY reached Yorkdale. I didn't realize that this bus stopped at EVERY stop all the way there.

Oh my gosh! The boys were great but highly annoyed. There were smells that weren't pleasant floating through... (lesson on WHY bathing is IMPORTANT)!

Then an hour into the trip, Josh had to pee. Bad. Desperately looking around, I saw newspaper that someone discarded. I made a newspaper pee-thingy and told him to pee into it. All the boys were horrified and yet amused... I was praying that the newspaper was going to absorb the liquid. (Newspaper makes a great diaper/toilet in time of trouble!)

The boys were great. We FINALLY reached our destination. Pretzels and popcorn made for a great snack. We finished our business at the Apple Store in 15 minutes.
So we decided to eat at The Rainforest Cafe. Yuck. Great ambiance... HORRIBLE FOOD.

Back on the bus (as we discovered there were no trains ... they only go to Toronto). We encountered a scorpion tattooed man... who sat beside us. As I said.. "Hope you are not looking for peace and quiet..." as Josh was very chatty, he smiles and says "Whatever works, Right?" There were NO TEETH visible.

Yikes. Another lesson... Brush your teeth! Well!

With a few more mishaps, we finally made it back to the GO station and to the safety of our truck!

Jordan said, "We could have flown to Tampa and back in that time." lol

We had a quick stop at Toys R Us... a instant balm to a painful day.

We were home by 9:30 p.m. 8 Hours later... Lessons learned. Use your vehicle.

Sanj could only laugh and bring back the attempts of the Taj Mahal Cake. Nice.

I still do plan to do the train ... sometime.

My bed felt SO good! All in a day in the life of being on of my kids!

Happily Ever After...

All I ever wanted to be was a Mom. I loved children and babies. How I loved babies!

The big problem was needing a man to fulfill my dream of a home. I did worry about finding that man to make my dreams come true. It was a big worry for me even as a little girl.

Because I didn't see love and marriage modeled for me, I was skeptical of this happening.

How would it all come true? Love and marriage? Was it possible?

I think reading love stories tainted my view of love and marriage. What does it mean to be happily married?
Never fighting, lots of loving, romantic dinners and trips... then add a bunch of kids that NEVER fought and this was my vision of marriage.

I didn't know better. I hate that books have Mr. McDreamy walk in and all is perfect and happily ever after.
I hate that love scenes are depicted as perfect orgasmic unions where stars and rockets are scene after the togetherness.
(Not that this is not the way it is with Sanj... he is my McDreamy with the bells and whistles every time)! lol

How is a young girl (or boy) suppose to know the reality of marriage?

I wish I knew that a happily ever after DOES include heated arguments, hating each other in small doses, wondering what planet each is from... yet it also means being able to forgive and be forgiven. It means compromise. It means understanding and accepting your McDreamy's love language even though it may not be your language.

I think that most people see things in their parents marriage that they do not want to duplicate. That is normal and part of breaking cycles. It is how we find what is ours!

What has me writing is the fact that so many sell themselves for less. I would watch the Bachelor and wonder how these beautiful ladies could all sell themselves to fight over one guy? The desperation for the love of the "perfect guy" always saddened me.

Why do we need to settle for less? We don't. And I think that we are a society need to instill in our children that they are special just as they are. They do not NEED someone to complete them. I think that we need to teach our children that one must be what they expect in a mate. One must work on improving ones character every day.

I know that people marry all the time without love in the picture. Arrange marriages work on this concept.. but it is different because they marry and then make the effort to date each other inside their marriage... they have a lot at stake to make it work too.

The older I get the more I understand that marriage is an agreement to love each other, keep charming and wooing each other in the marriage. It is an agreement to cherish and treat the love of your life the best you can each day. It is promising to be selfless... thinking of that person before your own needs. It is accepting, changing, compromising, forgiving, laughing, complimenting and living those vows each day. You don't get to take a break from being married.

I think of accepting and appreciating change is a huge one. I am so different than the girl that Sanj married. I speak my thoughts more, challenge his more, and have found the person I am meant to be... and even still continue to change.
If Sanj did not accept my changes, it would have been rough. Not only does he accept my changes, but he is proud of them.
I love that about him. I love that he sees me as a unique, totally out of the box nut job.

The changes in him over the years are one that I have to accept too. Maybe I am not as accepting as he is but his changes have been hard on me. He has become determined to not let people walk on him as they have in the past. I hate the hardness that has crept into him. Yet, if it wasn't for his wariness... we would be hurt a lot more.
So I have learned to accept the changes. His loving has never changed. I love that. I love that his love has deepened over the years. How lucky am I?

The years have been full of rough spots. There are always there... taunting and teasing. The key is to be able to focus on something together and move towards it. Aware of the toughness, yet still living, laughing and loving.

So as I think of my own sons, I hope that they view marriage as a promise of constantness of loving, dating, accepting and forgiving. I also hope they see it as an adventure as one never knows what will pop up, yet knowing together as promised they will see it though. I hope that they will understand that Happily Ever After is the possible ending with few twisted along the way.

And yet while Happily Ever After is what we all hope for, there is that time when one must walk away. What courage it takes to do that. How much hard it is to this with children? How much courage it must take to say "I am not going to let you hurt me again? I deserve better... I hope this for my sons too. Courage to do the right thing ... even though it will always be the harder thing.

Big Heart!

I saw this picture on a blog... the title was "Child Abuse?" It was a picture of a large (obese child).

"Obesity in children has become a top priority for health professionals in the United States. More than two-thirds of Americans are overweight and 30 per cent suffer from obesity but there has been a dramatic increase in childhood obesity. In the United States, the percentage of overweight or obese children has doubled over the past 30 years to 25 per cent of the under-19 population." (Taken from the website Better Health USA)

Pretty much anywhere you go, you will see a child that is obese. Does you mind not wonder about the parents thoughts on the matter? Obesity is an obvious concern. But do you ever think about the child that is just bigger and heavier?

It seems that it is so easy to make the assumption that if one just stops eating, the weight will stop too. It is an easy judgement.

It is easy enough to think that if you just put your mind to it, you can do it.

I have 6 children. Each of them is built very differently. Sammy has always had a speedy metabolism. He is a child that in over the top with energy. As a teen, he eats ALL THE TIME! While I wouldn't use the term skinny to describe him, he has always been slim.

Then there is Tyler... he was my biggest boy, at 7 lb. 9 oz. He has always been a big boy. I was forever buying him pants to accommodate his build and cutting off many inches to fit his length. He has always had big feet and wide shoulders.

As a teen, he has size 10 feet and broad shoulder that can compete for his father's tee-shirts.

Unfortunately, he has had too hear comments his whole life about his size. People use words that constantly give the message that his size and built are not acceptable. He has heard this from his brothers being mean to his own grandparents.

If you are not a slim trim lad, you are going to hear things.

Tyler approached me to help him lose weight a bit ago. He is always conscious of his body. With each year, that consciousness continues to grow.

We went our doctor who was great about it. He should him on the growth chart where he is and where he would be if he continued to grow as he is.

He talked about food choices, healthy choices, about metabolism... how unfair it is to have a sibling that eat the same thing yet can be built totally different. He talked about exercise and what was appropriate. He talked about diets ... being accountable for what you ate.

We left there. We talked about what route we would take and begin the journey.

I have learned so much watching my child on this road to learning to take control of his life. You will not believe the self control Tyler has found. While his brothers may eat ice cream... he just says no thanks.

He knows and is understanding this is a life change. He understands its OK to break from that discipline, but also understands the consequence of his body.

He is learning too eat to fuel his body rather than eat to feed his emotions. He understands so young that life isn't fair.
He is already made such strides and experienced success! He has of course experienced disappointment too.

But as I watch this young beautiful man of mine, I am learning along the way.

What l am learning is that talking about ones appearance constantly is just not approbate. Why do we need to talk about ones appearance?

When we say... "You look like you have lost some weight and look great..." What is understood is that if I gain that weight back, I am not acceptable.

I want my boys to learn how to treat their bodies as temples of God. I want them to accept who they are, big and small. Short and tall. Likely, they will all struggle with that yo-yo of weight at some point in life.

I have learned that this child of mine has a great strenth that will see him through many of life's hard lessons.

Is it child abuse? As a parent that sees how life is unfair... I would say no. But it is really hard to do the HARD Stuff with your child. Yes, I know, Love isn't easy. Parenting isn't for the weak at heart.

I write this with Tyler's permission... and thank him for letting me sharing this journey. I write it simply to encourage parents that it is time to bite that bullet. Today we are equipped with tools to fight the things that haunt our kids.

It isn't easy. A bag of chips is so easy.. isn't it? Planning ahead to pack a bag of veggies or fruit isn't the easy way when I am not an organized kind of gal for such things.

So we are on this journey together. Child Abuse? In most cases, I think not. Rather it usually monkey see, monkey do.

Time to make a change...

Tyler, my sweet boy...
I love you no matter how big your feet get! :)
You are one special boy!
The biggest thing on you isn't your feet or smile... but rather your heart!
It is a wonderfully huge heart!
i am so glad you are mine.
I love you.

P.S. I am not wearing your hand me down shoes... Daddy might! lol

Sand... Sand... Sand!

Today I had lunch with a friend. As we were catching up, it occurred to me that marriage is such a complicated thing.

When you think of living with a person (forever or as long as you can) that is a long time. How many people have a mate that is perfect?

First of all, just living with the opposite sex is a mystery with no manual. Each sex is so different. We really are from two different planets.

Then you have to take in personalities. You also have to take into account that personalities CHANGE. That really isn't fair... how are you suppose to know who you are marrying if they change? I never really thought this through before... but look at the parents is what I would tell me kids.

I am so much like my mom in many ways. Sanj often says, "You are becoming like your mom..." Yup, I guess that is what is in the cards.

I never really understood my mother-in-law even from the get go. We are very different personalities. Yet we always had one thing in common... loving Sanj. Yet we even loved him differently. But now looking back, I am able to just let her love him the best she can... maybe it is not my way or his way but I have to just accept it is her way which is the right way for her.

Sanj, as he ages, has changed almost 100%. He is becoming so much like his parents. It isn't a good thing or a bad thing but it is a DIFFERENT thing! I am not sure I would have had 6 lovely wonderful busy boys with him... if I knew the Sanj of today...
only because he has become very OCD.

An example of this is our sand box... we just put up the sandbox on the weekend and the sand was delivered yesterday evening. The boys LOVE their sand. All of them play in it, fight in it, throw sand and come out wearing sand. The obvious result is that there was sand everywhere.

While I don't like the mess that sand brings, I love the quiet that it provides. I actually had to go make sure the boys were in the sandbox this morning because it was so quiet! I love the creative energy that is flowing in the box. I love the togetherness it is fostering between them.

No I don't like the mess but I feel like I can sweep and vacuum. Yet my hubby was yelling out of the bathroom this morning... There is sand in my sink..." A minute later... louder " There is SAND in the shower..." And then... "THERE IS SAND EVERYWHERE!!!!"

It is freaking him out!!! I feel bad for him. How hard it must be to just want order and calm and yet live in a world of disorder and constantness. I know that he wants just areas that are kid-free zones. Yet it is that area that the kids are drawn to the most.

Today we drove the truck "Daddy's truck" because I was worried about exposing my friend to the disarray of the van. As we got into the truck, one of the boys said..."Oh oh... there is sand in here!"

Another mom that lives with a husband with OCD tendencies said, "It is really hard, sometimes. It is stressful."

Back to my point about marriage being work. It is work to deal with anyone outside our selves. Isn't it? Each one of us is perfect inside of ourselves. If only we could make others function they way we do ... it would be perfect.

I feel a bit cheated because Sanj was anything but neat when I met him. If there was an opposite of OCD that would describe him. So is it fair... 6 kids later that he become OCD on me?

No.

But I suppose that can't be helped. I am sure if he could pop a magic pill that would allow him to relax, release and refresh himself... he would. (Well he wouldn't talk that pill... I tried!)

So we all have to accommodate. He has to deal with sandy floors, messy vans and a noisy home. And we have to deal with the on and off complaining... that we learn to turn off.

So as I went to lunch with my friend, I am reminded that I love his man... OCD and all. I would rather him in my life than not. I don't mind the work that goes into my marriage as I get much more out of it that isn't work.

I am committed to loving him for the long haul... even though he becomes more and more like his parents. I guess I will only draw the line when he starts wearing moo-moos like his mom!

As I called my dearly loved OCD hubby to say hi... I wrote a blog about you... He replies... "Oh boy, after today it can't be good!" How I love him.. At least he seems well aware of his short comings!

The Ride!

The ride of the teenage years has been nothing short of adventurous! I never know what ride it will be today... is it Space Mountain... where it is a constant of ups and downs that you are kept in the dark all day?

Or is it the Bumper Cars... you just keep bumping heads all day?

Or maybe if I am lucky we will be in the paddle boats... working together nicely and smoothly.

It can be very tiring. Somedays I just don't care. I really love them but I am not going to try anymore tonight.

Somedays can be just plain funny. Well if I didn't think it was funny, I'd no doubt be balling!

Hormones. What a scary thing! That is why God gave sweet delicious smelling babies to hook us. Then after years of snuggling, loving and being the best thing to them... WHAM... it changes.

Wow!

I love my boys. Yes, even the teenagers. I wish I COULD kiss it better. I wish I could get close enough for that snuggle.
Then it is 11 p.m. In bounces one, "I am NOT TIRED! I am going to lie here for a while."
This drives Sanj NUTS.... who is not a night owl like the rest of his family... and just wants his space and sleep.

I am actually going to go to Chapters to look up some books on the teenager and the hormones that invaded them.

But while I complain of the woes of my 13 and 14 year old... I look out my window and see this picture.

My heart swells (literally) with pride and love as I watch my oldest cutting the grass with his youngest, taking time to protect his hearing...

How I love my boys. Do they drive me nuts? Yes.. 99% of the time! Does that 1 % make up for the 99%?

Yes!

The Trip of a Lifetime...

I was born in India. I sometimes forget that. What I mean by that is I am so American/Canadian that I sometimes forget that I am different from those around me. Color is only skin deep. Some people truly don't see color... yet most do. It is always there... the differences... that awareness comes out with little comments. Comments that are not meant to be hurtful or offensive but yet still point out that there is a difference.

I was thinking of my parents and what they have lived through. Sometimes I forget... they had a whole life in India. They left that life to seek a new and maybe different life. I can't image what it was like for them to move to a new country and have to learn life over again with a totally different owner's manuel.

I get annoyed at their corks because for me being here is all I know. Yet for them it is and has been a learned skill set.
I can have this life as I know it simply because they gave me this life as I know today.

I can't even imagine what it must have been like coming to Canada in the early 70s, leaving behind all their family and friends.
I wonder what it must have been like especially for my mom. My dad was not her dream husband, so she was all alone emotionally too.

It must have taken such strength to take on that adventure of a lifetime.

So many things were new and strange. My mom tells of how my dad and her saw a sign saying pants... 99 cents. They were quite excited. As they went into the "store" they were to discover the Dry-cleaners!

As I live life as only I have known, I have to stop and realize the sacrifices that my parents made so that I do enjoy life as I know it.

Quit Bothering Me!!! Check!

My List was getting a little ridiculous. Everyone needs me to do stuff for them. Yet with all the little things that demand my attention in a day.. it never gets done.

Yesterday Sammy was saying... "Mommy... when are you going to take my phone in..."
Me: "Tomorrow... Sammy... tomorrow..."
Sammy and the boys... "Yeah, right, just like you are going to ...."

So today it took 3 hours to get my list done... but it is done.
0. Pick up boys from B-Ball Camp.
1. Lunch
2. Take the boys to the golf course... yet no golf as to a tournament.
3. Zellers for toothbrushes, shampoo and sandbox toys.
4. Order the sand.
5. Stop at mall to deal with phone issues.
6. Butchers... pick up some steaks for supper.
7. Bank... deposit and cash checks.
8. Call the service people to fix my dishwasher (again).
9. Call phone people about my answering machine issues.
10.Stopped by the computer place to pick up my hard drive.

That is a lot of stops. But I was determined to get this stuff off my list. Check! Check! Check!

Yah!

A New Definition of FAMILY!

Families Are Forever. I have this wall hanging in our family room. I am not sure why I bought it except that I thought maybe it was to remind the boys that no matter who comes and goes in their lives, their family will always be there.

But I have always felt discombobulated about this saying. It is a hard one for me.

You are born into the family you have. There was no choice in that matter. Most of us make the best of that. Many of us learn to love and overlook. We learn to accept and deal with the cards handed out. If you are really luck, you are blessed with a family that loving them is just easy.

We went to some friends house for a swim and the mom was saying how the two boys who are Sammy and Tyler's age are best friends. She always had them do things together. I wondered how that is achieved. How do brothers become friends?

I don't think that it is something you can force. I think that it has to be a natural thing that occurs.

Most of the people I know are siblings but not necessarily friends. They do the family thing and like each other well enough, respect each other but are not what I would call best buds.

Then there are those that I know that are great friends. They chat, hang out and like being with each other.

I wrote a blog a few weeks ago about loving. My cousin mentioned that there were also people that you love but don't like.
How true this is! If it wasn't for that blood that ties family, would some people be in your life?

I struggle with that.

Family. I like the saying "Every family tree has a few nuts." As I look at my boys, I long for them to have a lifelong relationship that goes beyond being brothers.

But I know that a lot of that depends of life experiences and the people that go and come into their lives.

Sometimes family can be unhealthy. Some of those people you love can be unsafe. Some of them simply cause pain.

Where do I go with this in the way of family?

My friend told me that I needed a new definition of family.

She gave me a wall hanging. It said;

family n.
1. people who share a common start
and grow to share a common heart.

I love that. We are family who share a common start, we have a history. Yet it is up to each one to choice to continue to nurture that start to grow into a beautiful friendship.

As I watch some of my boys, their mixing is reminiscent of mixing oil and vinegar. They are two totally different entities.
No matter how much I try they are not going to mix. Yet they can choice to appreciate their differences (is my hope) and develop a mutual respect towards one another.

And some of my others boys are each other's shadow. They play, fight, play and would be lost without the other.

Family... it is o.k. to have to grow apart despite the common start. Sometimes life just demands that. Yet how wonderful it is when it is able to take that common start and grow to share a common heart.

Spoiled!

Saturday night we were treated to dinner at some friends home.

Upon arrivial, we were greeted with a menu of the night's dinner on the door.

Dinner a la Sukumaran et Chandra

Baked Brie with Caramelized Onion and Pear Compote

Veggies and Dip

Chandraburgers

Homemade Macaroni and Cheese

Braised Beef Short Ribs Au Jus

Alsatian Onion Tart

Wilted Baby Arugula

Blueberry Coffee Cake

Homemade French Vanilla Ice Cream

Coffee & Tea

Yes, this was dinner at friends. I was feeling like I was at a fancy 5 star restaurant! I always leave rethinking the whole paper plates and pizza or burgers thing.

Do my friends feel less important or loved with my hole in the wall 1 star dinner?

We had a lovely time being spoiled and left feeling special and very full!
Thanks you Chandra family for a lovely time!

Breaking the Cycle...

As I sit to write (again) I am hit with the realization that my house is a mess for this reason... if I stuck to the task and finished the dishes, or making breakfast (yes, at 11:37 a.m.) maybe things wouldn't be so flustering... I am addicted to writing... to getting my thoughts out...more than a clean house or worrying about my kiddies bellies being full!

But here is my thoughts... it is about my brother. I am not sure he will appreciate me writing about him but oh well... I was looking at his pictures on Facebook last night from his vacation in Tampa. He is in Charlotte for a little stop on their way home.

My brother is 5 years younger than me. We talk almost every day. We are in many ways very alike. We are also in many ways very different.

The one thing we both strive for is normalcy in life despite not being normal. His personality is very similar to my dad. He is charismatic, the center of attention, and fearless to say whatever. I never know which one of his personalities will come forth. Time with him is always an adventure to some degree.

I never really thought about how hard it must have been to grow up as sons of my father. My brothers lacked the one of the fundamental things to becoming a man... some one to model for them.

I realize that this is the woes of many a young man and thanks to that of a strong mother... these boys become wonderful men regardless.

My brother has had quite a life. I always have said he has had a lucky streak. He is a gifted man with many talents. I am not going to bother listing them as I don't want to be held accountable for his swollen head. lol

The point in writing this is to talk about breaking the cycle.

The cycle that we were in wasn't the best. It had a few things that were great, somethings that were OK and many others that were just not acceptable to pass on.

As I watch my brother over the years as father... it has been weird. To me, he is still my little brother. But to his kids, he is quite a man. He is a father that is willing to reach past his comfort level and expose himself to things that he wants his children to experience.

I am so proud that he is able to do this. We didn't have a dad that took us fishing or hiking. We didn't play with our dad.
He didn't have a dad that taught him to build things or fix things.

I have a husband that knows this stuff. I never really thought about how my brother would break this cycle and change it.
But he has. He was not too proud to take a fishing lesson (he lives in the big city) when on vacation. I am so proud of him.
I love this picture of him on his trip, fishing with his son. I love that he does these things with his children. I love that his children LOVE him. They can't get enough of him... which I know can be annoying at times. But if you really thing of it,
what a HUGE compliment that is!

My brother takes his kids swimming, to the library and even to work. He is such a part of their lives. I know that the easy way out would be to say ... I don't know how to fish. I don't get football or even like it. But he doesn't. He continues to try because he knows that it will be important to do these things with his son.

So I had to stop in the middle of the chaos and write about breaking that cycle... it is so possible. i love watching people rise from pain and disappointment only to seek happiness and love.

Taking Out the Trash!

I wrote a lot today. I feels good to me. Not sure if it makes sense to you but it was in my head and I just needed to write. For me writing is a lot like emptying that garbage icon on my computer. I was complaining to Sanj that my computer was running really slow. He pointed out my overflowing garbage can.

All week as I was driving the kids from here to there, I had thoughts, many thoughts running thorough my head.
If I don't get it out, I feel like I am too full and running slow.

Today was a long day. There is a lot that needed to be done. I had to run the kids to point A,B and C. I helped Sanj get the trampoline up. Then there was the dread of lunch (breakfast was kind of skipped... yah, I know... most important...).

Just stuff that needed my attention.

I really had hoped for a nap with Josh... one of my favorite past-times. Yes, really he doesn't need a nap... but somedays I NEEED him to. I usually can't sleep in that time but I love to lay with him and read or type. I didn't get that today. I think that made me grumpy.

One of the problems of being married to a workaholic is you feel like you have to be going too. I am going pretty much all day, especially in the summer with the kids home. Yet on the weekends, Sanj doesn't stop. He isn't the kind of workaholic that is in his office... he is the kind that just does not know HOW to relax.

This is not how he used to be. But as he gets older, he has become hyper... if I can use that word. Not my kind of hyper but rather he just does not know how to STOP. He goes from one thing to the other. Washing the car is his down time, I think.

Yesterday I told him I had a "Honey, Please DO" list. I may as well make that restless spirit work to my advantage. So the trampoline was the first thing. CHECK! Tomorrow is the task of making the sandbox. I actually would make it but don't know quite how... so it goes on the list. Can't wait.

Some of the simple pleasures in a life of a child is water and sand. The boys alway have had a sand pit of some kind at each of our houses. It is the kind of thing that occupies all of them. There is no age limit on water and sand.

So... back to my workaholic husband... I told him that weekends were becoming annoying with his constant need to be in motion.

I think that sometimes when life is stressful there is a need to constantly be busy... as down time results in too much think and worry time. My sweet husband is a natural worrier. Thankfully he worries enough for both of us!

Today he did take a bit of time and hit out his frustrations on some golf balls. Thankfully. I had a few hours of relief from the constant flurry of activity!

He was in bed by 8 p.m. or so saying "I don't know why I am so tired!" Hum... I can answer that!

Thanks... I Really Appreciated That...

The other day I went out with some ladies to dinner and a movie. It was a night to connect with girlfriends and just relax with a chick flick. I love a good brainless movie. It is a great way for me to unwind.

At some point the obvious stresses of marriage and motherhood came up. It is never too far away.

It made me really think of how much marriage is a commitment. It made me think of how much a person must be willing to give to make that commitment work. It made me wonder at what point are you selling your soul to the devil.

I know that tears are a part of every marriage. It is definitely a part of parenthood. Is it that fine line where the smiles out number the tears? Or is it where just the promise of tomorrow together is enough to get through that moment?

It is so different. Life is so different. There are people with one easy child that deal with different issues... There are people with no kids that deal with other issues... There are the single parents that deal with a whole new set of issues. There are the mom, dad and kids that come with their issues.

But I think (this is only my thought at this moment)... that the key is appreciation. Do know what I mean?

Everybody is working hard. (We are excluding the dead beat situations here...) I am using my own home in this example...

Dad is off working hard to provide for his family. He has his constant stresses that come with his dad. Office drama, patient drama, haggling with payments from various institutions, paying the bill and more bills... house stuff to keep on top of, the extracurricular activities that have demand attention... Dad comes home and is then needing to meet the emotional needs of all those that greet him, including the pups. Phew! By the time bed time rolls around he is already processing things that need his attention when his eyes open...

Mom is up early, fighting the desire to crawl back in bed ... as she is not a morning person. Breakfast, bathes, tidying, nagging to tidy, laundry, dishes, hugs, referee a battle, lunch, off to the creek/lake to burn off the gangs energy, figure out supper, pick up groceries, get gas, get home to hungry messy kids. Supper on, quick tidy, refereeing, laundry, supper, clean up supper, nag to clean up, (homework would be next if not for summer)... get little ones cleaned up, bed... hugs/kisses... tidy, spend time with hubby and if lucky, will get a few minutes to read or Facebook before hubby is complaining about the light on. Night.

Obviously this doesn't begin to cover all that either does. It isn't always fun. It is exhausting many a time. Who wouldn't want a maid, cook, ocassional nanny?

When I have taken the time to first Figure Out what we are having for supper, then Shopped for the necessary ingredients, then Prepared it, Served it and then Cleaned it all.... If I am greeted with "Aw, I don't like..... Can I have a sandwich..." Do you know what is coming out of my mouth...*&^^%$#@!

What is the biggest annoyance that stays with my well after meal time is the lack of gratitude.

Yah, I don't like cooking 3 meals, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, 365 days every year. NO i don't. But I do it well at least 350 times because I love you.

If I hear, "Thanks Mom for supper." I am at least not annoyed at having done it.

I am sure that dad feels the same. "I need more money... dear." How he must hate hearing that. He is working his butt off and then some... and just needs to know that his efforts are appreciated.

Is it not all about being appreciated? Is it not about treating your spouse the same way you would want to be treated? Is it not about lack of selfishness and more of giving of ones self? Is it not about respect? Is it not about appreciating and being appreciated?

I am still figuring it out. I know that one of my first questions to God will be WHY DID HE MAKE US SO DIFFERENT? Aside from the obvious.. most women are such emotional creatures and most men are such physical creatures?

I need a hug and an "I love you." He needs that physical expression of loving... words not so much.

If I teach my children to have an appreciation for the little things, clean clothes, a home-cooked meal... no matter WHAT it is, clean sheets, pee-free bathrooms, flushing, seats down, go out of their way to pick up or put away... they will be that much further to having happy futures.

As I type this, I realize that it all sounds to old fashion. But in my marriage, our roles are such for the most part. Just how it worked out... and works for us ( for the most part). Yet regardless of roles... appreciation is one of the fundaments of a happier relationship.

That Voice in My Head....

I remember being in Bible class in high school and the teacher/pastor said something along the lines of " if your conscious stops nagging you, you know you are lost. God has given up on you."

That has stayed with me. Of course I never stopped to really question the validity of it. It actually scares me a little of how much was spoon feed to me and I just ate it. I never even thought to question it.

My conscious... it can be an annoying thing. The need to do the right thing can be heavy.

When I asked my brother (the minister) about what the bible teacher said, his reply was "What do you think? Is that anywhere in the bible?"

Some people don't have consciouses. How do you live like that? I wonder if my dad had a conscious? He never ever said sorry... For anything.

I feel guilty when I am angry at him for feeling hateful to him. Guilty. How come I feel that guilt? How come he doesn't?
Or can you feel guilty of something and yet just live with it?

I worry about this gene in my children. When I see meanness... true meanness and no remorse... I worry. I worry a lot. OK, it might seem a little weird for me to worry if my child (ren) have sociopathic tendencies... but when the gene is in the family history is it really so crazy to worry?

It says that it is a disorder that one can not change ... you can control it to some degree with meds but...

There were many traits that my dad had that were great. I actually am a lot like him. Characteristics.. good and bad come from him. Yet there are so many that I wish were not in his genetic pool.

Listening to your conscious is something that I need to teach my kids. Listen to that voice in your head. It usual doesn't lead you astray.

Yet what if they don't have that voice in their head???

I am writing this because it keeps coming up... usually once I write it, I feel better.

Maybe this is a great way to get wisdom... my question is how do I know if my kids all have a conscious?
Maybe if I didn't have a dad that I did, I wouldn't even question this.
Maybe I am crazy too.
Hum...
There is always that voice in my head that talks to me...

Living, Loving, and Loving Some More...

I Love You!

Three of my favorite words. Other favorites or "You're SO Obnoxious!" "Get Outta Here!" These are words or phases that you will hear me say.

The other day I was explaining my friendship to someone... you know the kind where you love them, they really are your friend but (yah, the BUT) you may not choose to be with them all the time... in this case because they exhaust me. Too much energy and I find that I need to be emotionally prepared to be with them and enjoy.

She says to me "You don't love her... you use that word to much. You can't love that much."

I have been pondering these words. Do I use the word love to much? Am I trivializing it?

I have lived in many different places. I have many so many friends that have spanned the last 20+ years. Most people are lucky if they have one very close friend. People of call this person their best friend. I have learned that rather than one best friend (whom I would name Sanj as the lucky recipient of that dubious title).

In high school I had one friend that I would say I was very close to. I think I have talked of her before... our friendship was very one-sided. I was the one who always talked about life, my thoughts, my crushes etc. She listened. She was a very good listener. Being a victim of abuse... she had her shield on constantly. Did I love her? Yes. I loved her for many reasons but mostly because when I was with her... I was real. I didn't get to be me very often back then.

In university... I had a group of girlfriends. I had different levels of intimacy. I loved them dearly. How I miss them and just that time of always being together... always knowing someone had my back... always having a shoulder to cry on. I love them.
They were family. They were my family. Time has come and gone but with each of them I can pick up and just be... me.

There was a time after university and before marriage that I was floating. Not sure of what I was going to be and do I was just being... I was so glad that I had my friends to call and write. This was back in the day before email and texting! Despite the distance, as we went looking for our calling in life we still loved and lived. That is a bond that is still there with most of them.

I have my girlfriends that I have a different closeness to. We were two peas in a pod. Everyone knew we were sidekicks. Life has come at us in so many different ways, yet we are still as close as ever. That is small few that I would call my sisters. We have been there so many things and came out stronger in our love and friendship. These are the women I know that I will be on my porch sitting on my rocker, remembering the "good ole days" with.

I have many friends. It is one of the blessings I am so grateful for. It is one of those things money could never buy. Friendship and love.

In my present day, there are so many I love. It is a different kind of love. It is a sisterhood of love that comes from being on the journey of motherhood, wife and friend. There are teachers that I have grown to love and respect over time for their kindness, life experiences and generosity with both of those things.

There are parents that are going through the experience of motherhood that have become true pillars of strength and advice that I have come to love.

Of course there are so many friendships that start off as just having something in common.... that over the years grow into love and relationship.

So so I use the phase "I love you" loosely. Maybe to some. But I don't think so. I love to love. I have the ability to love big and little. I have the ability to allow people into my life knowing there is a chance of hurt and pain. But I also truly believe that I would have rather loved you for a bit and become a bigger and better person for that moment of love than constantly shutting the door being to scared.

My husband is one of those people that constantly questions love. "How do you know you love your mom?" he has asked me as he questions it all... yet I just know that IF I DIDN"T LOVE YOU... I WOULD KNOW!

Love IS really what makes my world go round. I am so blessed to have so many that love me and that I can love back.
It really is worth the hurts and pains... you would not get to be you today if it wasn't the pains of the past....

Love and Be Loved.

Fashionistas

My older boys are into fashion. The main interest is golf fashion, at the moment.
The wackier the shorts, the better! Tyler picked this out all his own.... and wears them at least 3xs a week! lol

This one of Sammy was his moment of what... I am not sure. But it was too funny... especially when he saw the camera! :)

Beautiful...

I have been picture taking more than usual this year. I have developed a knowledge for what I like in my pictures... what I see and am trying to capture.

Beauty. Yet my idea of beauty is constantly changing. Sometimes I am trying to capture the Beauty of Living... as in the blog below of Zachary. I love his zest for life. It is such a beautiful thing. It is draining, exhausting and annoying at times but I can never escape the raw beauty that he has for life.

Then there is the Beauty of Loving... as in capturing the essences of a relationship... whether it is between people or nature. I love this picture of Tyler and his pup. It says so much to me about them sharing a quiet moment.

As I have aged, I have hated having pictures taken of me. I never see me... but all I see is the changes that have happened over the years. I see the bumps on my faces that came for no apparent reason yet will not leave... I see the poundage (I am not even going to go there)... I see all that I don't like about me.

I seem to always miss the beauty that is in the picture. There are not a lot of pictures of me compared to the others because I am always (by choice) behind the camera. But I have had to make a conscious decision to change that. Oh... I still HATE getting my picture taken. I am sure that isn't going to change in the near future. But... I am teaching my children things... good and bad... all by my reactions...

Lately, in the last year, I have been snapping pictures of people that are in my life. Most of them I like/love very much. I am so delighted when I capture them in the perfect picture. Many respond the same as I would... " I never like my picture or like what I see" but I guess the key is really WHAT OTHERS SEE! It is probably obvious what features you may not like about yourself... usually the first one is weight. Then there are wrinkles or a nose or many other flaws that haunt many of us.

But when I capture what I think is the perfect picture of you... I see so much more. Usual the first thing I try to capture is that smile. I try to capture the soul that is my friend. I try to get that beauty that is such a blessing in my life. I try to capture all things that have made you beautiful to me. That usually has nothing to do thing what you have on. Actually it is most never that is on the outside.

So if I find a "my perfect picture of you" know that it is how I see you. Beautiful.

You are beautiful to me. Your friendship is one of the beautiful things in my life.

Judgement

It is so easy to criticize others ... other families and other parents. I learned this the hard way... as I was growing up I always studied families. It was maybe one of the ways I escaped the craziness around me or maybe it was to some degree wistful thinking.

Regardless... I would often look at families, at the roles each played, make my assessment of the good, bad and ugly.

As I look back at those families though the eyes of a 40 year old mother and wife, how those opinions have changed.

How many times did I wonder why the wife was crabby or bossy while the husband seemed so sweet...

Now as a mother I can't help but wonder how much sleep did that wife get, how often did SHE get out on her own, did she have help while she was cleaning, cooking and getting the children ready for us... the company?

This couple, the husband ended up cheating on his wife and his 4 sons. I remember being in shock as a older young adult digesting all this...

I think now of all the husbands that are out there, working their tails off, just to provide the people he loves most the things of life. I think of the pressure that they must be under to provide.... materially and financially and yet have enough left over at the end of the day to meet the emotional needs of those in his life.

I think of the family that I criticized (in my head) of spoiling and loving her kids too much. When I grow up... I am going to make sure I make my kids clean up after themselves...

Sure I am ... that is what parents do. We TEACH our kiddies... yet there are also the many times that I am tired and know it is much faster for me to tidy up and let them watch TV so we can all be done... FASTER and WITHOUT NAGGING and BICKERING.

I didn't know back then that YOU CAN NEVER REALLY LOVE TO MUCH... it is just something that happens.... Loving your child.

It is something that happens, when parents have to let go of a child because there is nothing they can do... but let them mess up and learn on there own.

So as I look back at 4 decades of thinking how much different I will do it with my own kids, I realize that I don't do it much different. I am a nag, whiner and annoying. I pick up after my kids, love them too much and at the end of the day hope that I did make them pick up enough, loved them enough, spoiled them enough and where I have fallen short, they love me enough to forgive me.

I am so thankful for all those families in my life that should me what a perfect family really is... REAL... A perfect family is one that has the yelling, bickering, messes, dusty spots and tupperware cupboard that you better thrown it in quick and slam that door!

A perfect family is a family that is loving the best they possibly know how (most of the time), living the best they know how (most of the time) and making moments that they laugh so hard tears come.

Summer So Far...

Most people are complaining about the heat or the absence of it. I have to admit that I don't mind. I love the absence of the humidity and sweating.

Yet I know... summer is all about that heat and sweat.

Right now it is cloudy and a lovely breeze is blowing in my window. My kids are wondering why I am always hot.... I wonder that too!

Summer has been good... so far. I can't say we have done a lot of exciting things ... because we have not done anything out of the ordinary. We have been home, gone swimming a far bit (finally making use of that Y membership), played at a creek... catching crayfish, golfed at bit (not me) and hung out with friends.

I am thinking of taking the boys camping for a few days. I like the idea of camping but hate the set up and take down. But I love the way the kids are occupied with nothing more than nature.

Sammy has his first JOB. It is a great one especially to get his feet wet in the big world of WORK. He is a play mate to one of Jordan's classmates while his folks work. One day a week... and really he gets to play.

Tyler is eager to join too. So... if you want a babysitter/playmate, I got one for you!

Are people prejudice against boy babysitters? Not sure... I wonder if a boy would be asked over a girl? I never really had a boy babysitter because I didn't know of any that were interested.

I remember my first job was a summer babysitting job... a boy and a girl... 3 and 5 years old. The mom was a single lady, pretty and had nice clothes. I was intrigued by her life. I remember seeing her stuff on the bathroom counter and being very intrigued.

I don't really remember the kids too much but I do remember thinking what trust was bestowed upon me (I was probably Sammy's age) and with them all day and few times a week. I felt like I was playing house and loved it.

Guess I had an early start at what was my destiny... at least part of it.

I am still wondering what God has in store for me... the next stage. But knowing that summer is only minus 3 months and counting... I am good with the occasion pondering.

Do others wonder what's next? Or are people just riding the ride? Maybe I am a restless spirit... Or maybe I am just looking to the lotto that isn't really there.

Ok... I am just having verbal diarrhea... I best get on with a day that has been calling me for a bit now!

Happy Birthday Tyler!

Today is my sweet child's birthday... I hope I will still be calling him sweet over the next bit... as he is entering his teenage years.

Lord, help me! Tyler is a beautiful child with a wonderful spirit. He is full of kindness and warmth. He is compassionate and thoughtful. He is one that is effected by other's suffering and pain.

As he continues to grow into a young man, I wish him the continued passion which he approaches life (sometimes called obsessing about things....). I wish him the continued gift of gentleness and thoughtfulness.

He has always been my gentle giant. He is wearing a size 10 men's shoe... He is going to be a big man.

He has not always had the easiest of times but it is his gentle spirit that continues to see him through the rough moments.

God gave you a big heart, Tyler. It is a gift. You make me proud of how you continue to use it over and over.
You are a cherished gift to me. How much I love you and am grateful that you are in my life.
Live each day, Tyler, with all you have.
Love each person in your life will all you have. ( That doesn't have to apply to the opposite sex)! lol
Laugh that beautiful laugh that lets me know you are happy even when it has been a rough one.

You are a beautiful boy.
Be proud of all that God has blessed you with.
He made you and has BIG plans for you.
I love you so much.
Happy Birthday, my sweet boy!

Remembering...

As the news of Michael Jackson's death takes over the media, I have to admit that I loved him.

Not a crazy fan kind of love, but rather I had a fascination of his life, his talent, his creative gifts to the world.
I was taken by his loneliness. I guess I just wanted to hug him (I suppose, like half the world). I wanted to be his friend... for no other reason than for him to have a friend.

OK... so maybe I was a crazy kind of fan.

His music just takes me back to so many different memories and emotions. I remember being sad with some songs, wanting to be loved with others and simply wanting to make the world better with others.

His music is timeless. My boys were just discovering his music... "Hey mom... listen to this song..." It was so funny.

And then he died.

I feel so sad ... for many reasons but the biggest being for those poor children who lost a father.

I don't have a lot to say that is different than all that is out there... just I just had to stop and write ...
I just had to say... Rest in Peace, Michael.

In Love With My Best Friend....

I have been in love with Sanj forever. Even when he was too busy checking out the other fish in the sea, I was loving him. I am not sure what changed to make us both look at each other the same way... but on this day, 15 years ago... we promised to love each other.

Sanj is a person that has brought out ever emotion possible from me... and then some. He makes me the happiest, maddest, silliest, craziest, loveliest, ugliest, spoilest, corkiest, loudest, quietest... and on it goes.

I love him. It is just that simple. If I tried to explain, I'd be speechless. If I tried to write it, there would be a blank page. I love him.

I have grown up with him. I am so different from that young girl he dated so long ago. Yet, I am still so much that very person. He would never want that me of yesterday to go very far... Just I as love seeing that man that was just too grown up back then change into a grown up that can still play.


When I look around me ... I see the last 15 years, the footprints are all around me.

Actually I see the 6 sets of footprints that follow us, look to us, love us and better us.

Life is such a gift. Each day is a gift. Life with Sanj each day.... is a gift that keeps giving, loving and growing.

To my best friend,
You have given me a life that I couldn't even imagine back so long ago.
I am so thankful for you, your love, your friendship and your inability to say no to me! :)
That makes me thankful for my greatest gifts from you... my boys.
I love living most every day with you... and those that I don't... well thankful they are only 24 hours! :)
I am so glad that God has blessed my life with a wonderful gift of your love.
I hope that I continue to make you laugh and cry. To make you proud and embarrassed. To keep you guessing.... for a very long time...

I love you.
Here's to another 15 years... maybe a few extra for good behavior!
Happy Anniversary!

Happy Birthday CANADA!

Happy Canada Day! It is an unusually quiet day at home. Normally we would have a BBQ and folks over. Maybe because it is the middle of the week or maybe because it has been rainy... it is just us.

So it is that kind of perfect day... rainy and cloudy... perfect for a nap.

I took some of the boys to the parade this morning. Rainy and wet yet it still was perfect. One of the pitfalls of a bigger family and having kids with age differences is that you know you did stuff with the older set with enthusiasm and zest the first time around. Yet the younger set has not had that experience. Example... the CN Tower. I know the older boys have gone up and we have great memories of walking on that horrid glass floor from way up top... yet the younger boys have only seen the Tower.

So as I was at the parade ... and saw this look in Josh and Zach's face... I got the privilege of looking at the parade through their eyes... seeing it all for the first time. "Look at that Horse... the Police... Oh look at the Soldiers!"

Sometimes living something through the second time is even better.

We came home... and are resting up so we can go see the Fireworks tonight. I really hope there isn't a storm... as in the forecast.
I love nights like this. Just being out with people, waiting, munching, chatting... knowing that at this moment... life is good... actually very good!

Happy Canada Day... thank you to all those that fight for our safety... and freedom... in the Past and Present!